I think, that I think that "we get on well" just because we don't "row" - because I don't respond or retaliate to her....things will be be fine and then the swipe hits you smack in the face - I am a bit taken aback, takes me time to recover, understand if I am being paranoid, hypersensitive...and I never address it as that just triggers a further humiliation around "dont be so sensitive"....so of course we dont get on well thank you for pointing that out.
Bit more detail. from en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Living_With_a_Narcissist; Living with a narcissist can be at times upsetting and depressing, particularly because it is difficult to describe your experiences to others. Moreover, others outside of the immediate family will often be impressed by the narcissist's charm and will not wish to believe that your experiences with the narcissistic person are different from theirs. As a result, you are likely to feel misunderstood and isolated.The following list of traits may provide clues to determine whether someone is demonstrating strongly narcissist behavior. A narcissist typically requires:
Excessive attention (e.g. likes to be at the center of a discussion when visitors are in the house);
Adulation from others (i.e. likes to be admired by others and therefore presents an excessively positive image of himself or herself to others in order to secure that admiration);
Subservience from others (especially those who are close, those who live or work with him or her);
A narcissist often criticises or vilifies others but hates it when others criticise him or her; they are hypercritical of others, yet hypersensitive to criticism.
The narcissist may also be very adept at vilifying, doing it in a gracious or innocent or humorous manner, and making his or her backbiting seem socially acceptable.
A narcissist likes to receive praise from others but often dislikes to hear other people being praised.
Therefore, if you are in the habit of often speaking well of people (always giving praise when praise is due) then you may soon encounter objections from narcissists who hate to see others being praised. In this way, you may start to see narcissists raising their heads above the parapet to take aim at others who you praise.
A narcissist likes to ask favours of others but dislikes it when others ask too many favours of him or her. They may make a huge production out of doing the smallest favours for others, even when they didn't really go out of their way to do the favor itself.
A narcissist can be dishonest, but at the same time is a master of disguise and can lie very convincingly. The narcissist's lies may take the form of exaggeration or, in some cases, complete fabrication. To many who live with the narcissist it seems that the narcissist has a cavalier disrespect for precise truth, and there is a strong temptation for other family members to adopt a similar disrespect for precise truth. If one questions their inaccuracies, their response will often be outrage that you dare question their integrity (even when the lie is obvious), or berating you for being so petty to point out their fabrication.
A narcissist thinks that he or she is entitled to special privileges or special treatment.
A narcissist is inter-personally exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends, without regard for how their choices might effect others. They will justify this by saying that they did it 'for their own good' or by some 'end justifies the means' rationalization.
A narcissist has little or no empathy and is unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
A lack of genuine empathy (e.g. feeling genuinely sad when seeing other people being sad) is a key aspect of pathological narcissism -- although it should be borne in mind that a lack of empathy is exhibited not only by narcissists but by sociopaths as well. However, keep in mind that one may feel genuine sympathy without expressing it, or alternately, may convincingly feign sympathy while feeling nothing.
A narcissist is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
A narcissist typically seeks to control the family finances. Sometimes this need for control is also seen in their everyday traits, such as always wanting to be the one who drives the family car, decides the daily agenda, such as where the family will go to eat, or what they will have for dinner, outside of normal family roles (i.e., the person who does the daily grocery shopping and cooks the meals typically determines what the family will eat; the narcissist insists on controlling this even when he/she participates in neither of these precursor activities).
A narcissist often has an arrogant affect (e.g. haughty behaviours or attitudes).
The narcissist doesn't believe in equality, or at least not when it affects him. Equality would seem demeaning to the narcissist if it applied to him, because it places him down on the same level as everyone else. He often takes for himself special privileges, knowing that typically others won't be so rude to call him out for taking liberties with various situations. Since the narcissist believes he's entitled to special privileges, and seeks the easiest way to get ahead, where he feels he deserves to be, anyway, trying to get around the laws applied to everyone else is a quick and easy means to that end.
Others will regularly get angry at the narcissist's inappropriate, unethical, bullying behaviors, and they will immediately be dismissed by the narcissist as hotheads, jealous, liars, or as having any number of other defects. After all, their anger has to be inappropriate since the narcissist will never admit to being wrong themselves. This tactic also simultaneously provides them another level of denial, as the narcissist feels that everyone loves him and wants to be more like him, so the narcissist thinks that even people who are openly hostile to them really like them; they are simply short-tempered or jealous. The narcissist will typically go to great lengths to make everyone, including the person getting upset, feel like they are in the right, by focusing on the person's reaction to the narcissist's outrageous behavior, drawing attention away from their own conduct which led to the other person getting upset in the first place.
A narcissist typically has quite a lot of superficial charm or charisma. As Dr, Les Carter puts it in his book "Enough of you, let's talk about ME", a narcissist is capable of "making a good impression". It is highly likely that the narcissist will be popular among those who do not know him/her very well and who are unwise to his/her behaviours. The narcissist is unlikely to have difficulty in making new friends. Typically, many people will hold the narcissist in high regard, not realizing that the narcissist could be leading a 'double-life'.
In public or semi-public situations, the narcissist will often use charm in order to become the centre of attention. At a social event, for instance, the narcissist may often be found leading and directing the conversation. Watch them as they make exaggerated gestures to keep the attention of the crowd: flapping their arms and other excessive body motions, exaggerated facial expressions and inflections in their voice, as if they are performing in a dramatic play. This all works to the benefit of the narcissist, who can use charm to garner attention, admiration and adulation.
The narcissist will ruthlessly bully you while simultaneously using their well-honed powers of projection by calling you unfair or overly aggressive. They will agree to something in order to get what they want, then have absolutely no problem later withdrawing their agreement to, or not living up to something they promised, simply because they never intended to do it in the first place. They will delay and evade ruthlessly if you dare set a deadline, or if they know you need something done by a particular date. This is a recipe for disaster if any type of negotiations are attempted with the narcissist. You will ALWAYS lose when the other side is a narcissist.
One of the main risks presented to the family members of a narcissist is the risk of losing self-esteem and belief in themselves. Loss of self-esteem can be subtle and the person may not realise that he or she is losing self-esteem. One of the problems with narcissism is the constant need to gauge what is reasonable behaviour and what is not reasonable and to be confident in one's judgement. It is therefore important to understand self-esteem and how to build one's own self-esteem and the self-esteem of fellow family members.
If your partner is a narcissist then accept that you will have to work hard to preserve your own self-esteem and to preserve the self-esteem of your children.
Be aware that the narcissist can respond negatively if you compliment other people while you are in the narcissist's company. The narcissist is likely to see a compliment paid to someone else as an indirect insult to the narcissist (e.g. the narcissist might say something like "you are always saying good things about X but you never say anything good about ME").
If your partner is a narcissist then accept that you will have to work hard to preserve your own self-esteem and to preserve the self-esteem of your children.
Accept that narcissistic women will try to force their daughters to be exactly like them.
Be aware that the narcissist can respond negatively if you compliment other people while you are in the narcissist's company. The narcissist is likely to see a compliment paid to someone else as an indirect insult to the narcissist (e.g. the narcissist might say something like "you are always saying good things about X but you never say anything good about ME").