Negative comments by sister -- how to handle.....really getting me down.

[Somethingtodo]

We get on well - look after each others children etc - but she has an almost torettes (sp?) compulsion to put me down/burst my bubble at every opportunity....anything positive or say I do is criticised, questioned etc....I know it must be jealousy but it really hurts. She is always comparing my kids negatively with her friends kids (who are same age as mine - hers are younger)....so today for example I mentioned that my oldest had gone to visit a Uni and was looking at a specific course which triggered the following response "why is he doing that? I though that there were no jobs in that area...etc etc". Then when I mentioned that we planned to move back into central London when the kids depart...I got a whole boring litany of why I should move to Dorset instead - followed by a bitchy comment about looking like being some eccentric old dear in a city of youth. Most of the time I just manage it with silence and let he dig her hole deeper - but it really is getting to me.....has anyone a one-liner that I can volley back for these occasions?

AndTheBand....yes she is absolutely hardwired - as I said up front it is almost Tourettes like machine gun fire rattled out in seconds....but surely she can change? - I do think she wants me in her life - but somehow anything positive happening in my life seems to threaten her -- so yes she is doing this to feed her ego....

No, such people do not change and I was not at all surprised to see that you've been putting up with this from her for years either. This is hardwired. You are the scapegoat for her inherent ills and she was likely to have been the golden child to your parents as well.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your emotionally unhealthy and abusive sister is no different. I would also think your own children cannot abide her either or seeing you constantly take her brickbats aimed in your direction.

People like this make you doubt yourself - but don't let her! Honestly its OK not to have people like this in your life, who are always dragging you down and making you feel like shit or just constantly on edge.

I know its hard - I have a sibling who is awful to me and when I've pushed back and set some boundaries he has thrown all his toys out of the pram and taken his woes to everyone else about how horrid I am. I can't exclude him from my life altogether for various reasons but I don't feel the slightest bit guilty reducing contact to the minimum.

So ... this is what I will do:

Keep contact reduced and reduce it more as she is unlikely to change.

...BUT...

when the next inevitable swipe comes my way - I will take responsibility to RESPOND with:

"Did you mean to be so negative?"

(think this is a less confrontational than "rude" - as I am clearly a wimp).

I don't like 'did you mean to be so rude?' either. Good idea!

I was wondering

"why are you pissing on my parade"

She's not actually being negative as such.

Another response is to simply say 'what makes you say that?'

Then let her dig herself into a hole.

Be prepared for her to say "yes she did mean to". It may trigger an onslaught of insults...as in what she really thinks (as if she has not already made that perfectly clear).

And then...when she twists it around back onto you and she accuses you of being too sensitive, say that you are not being too sensitive; she is the one being insensitive.

With this bit of momentum, you could then proceed to take the step to state your boundary and calmly state that you are going to take a break from the relationship. Have no second thoughts about the children's relationship with her: she has made amply display of her mean character and it is your duty to your dc to shield them from such people (it sounds like yours are old enough to decide for themselves and give a pass to a relationship with her on their own).

Good luck!

Yes I am terrified of the onslaught when I stand up to her...that is exactly what she will say -- "you are being sensitive" etc and I need to be prepared to handle that.

That is a good point she isnt being negative she is specifically pissing on my parade.

Oh dear, if she comes out with "you are too sensitive" rather than a sisterly "sorry" - this is a stock abuser response! Then u'll know u have a piece of work on your hands.

Then you can safely take the higher ground!

Try and adopt the broken record technique "you ARE pissing on my parade and there is no need for it" repeat as required.

It is very hard to turn around this sort of dynamic. It will take more than a few simple comebacks, but this is a place to start while you gather your resources and begin to take back your power.

'You're too sensitive' is a very cheap shot beloved of aggressors. It translates as 'I need to be unkind to you, and you need to shut up and take it'. How might you respond to that? It's worth thinking about in advance, I think.

A few suggestions - 'so if I said (equally aggressive thing) to you, how would you feel about that?' If you see signs of upset, you give her the 'too sensitive' line as a riposte.

Or you can challenge it more directly: 'you seem to be giving yourself carte Blanche to be rude to me - on the basis that if I'm upset it's my own fault? How does that work?'

Better still, study some assertiveness techniques.

She won't see the error of her ways. A big row is more likely. But she will start to curb her behaviour if you start to bite back.

...and yy, reduce contact as well. This will reduce stress levels markedly.

If she says "just kidding"
You could say, "Yeah, at this point we all know what that means."

If she tells you to lighten up, bounce it back and say, "I don't need to lighten up; you are the one that needs to change (it is you with the problem, not me)".

Who knows what she will say? But I can bet her response will be dismissive rather than a sincere acknowledgement of her behavior (let alone an apology!)
(Jsyk, "sorry you are offended" is not an apology.)
That is why diminishing contact without an explanation has been suggested here: it spares you from another poison bath and corresponding detox/recovery time.

Op - she sounds like my mum.

Am tempted to try the 'did you mean to be so rude?' reply

Why would you look like an eccentric old dear in London particularly? Are eccentric old dears a rarity? No one over thirty allowed? Anyway, I'm becoming an eccentric old dear I'm sure, even at fifty. Plan on becoming more eccentric!

The eccentric old dear insult - was to make sure I had no delusions that I was looking forward to do something fun, fulfilling....or possibly even trying to stop me doing something that threatens her vision of success -- she followed with why dont you move to Dorset like I will...?

The comment about moving to Dorset like she will could be countered with the Samuel Johnson quote "If a man is tired of London he is tired of life." Also comments about retirement communities, slippers and cardigans, all delivered in a light tone of voice with a smile will wrong foot her. Or be blunt and say her plans to move to Dorset sound really boring.

Remember it's your life to live the way you choose, you don't need or want her approval, and neither do your children.

Another response is to simply say 'what makes you say that?'

I don't think that would work. For example with the losing weight dig, she would just give you chapter and verse on previous weight loss/gains to demonstrate why she said that.

Lessening contact bit by bit sounds sensible along with gently standing up for yourself.

I can assure you that London is full of eccentric yet happy old dears

Given that you've been conditioned to accept this shit all your life, OP, you might want to start gradually with a look or 'sorry, I didn't quite catch that?' and work your way up.

How much do you actually need her to look after your children?

I have a colleague like that, so had to choose quite 'naice' responses. I settled for a few that were not aimed at her, required no response from her but allowed me to move away!

"Ooooooooof - she got me" - with a double hand clutch over heart

"Owch! That hurt"

"And the winner is..." - that one is my favourite for her one upping snarks.

"OK, You win" - has caused a full on tirade, but did get others to see her in full flow.

But a nice passive aggressive one for a sister? I'd stick with

"And I love you too" with full eye contact and a big

Had a very similar situation, especially growing up, I'd feel even complimented one day, if she didn't put down how I looked. Continual puts down, as you describe, genuinely made me feel ugly until I went to university. I eventually cracked it with 'You must be coming from a lot if unhappiness yourself to always say these things to me'... Never looked back (I likely was right and she was embarrassed I'd realised)

I dont need her to look after my children at all - her's are much younger than mine - but I always encourage the cousins to get together.

My sister is younger than me and her oldest daughter is a year younger than my youngest and in fact when I say to my youngest shall I invite dn over she always says "no she is too bossy"....

Those of you that have used the responses did it work? did it stop it happening again or did it trigger even worse behaviour??