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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me please, am I being a twonk?

61 replies

ToTheWinchester · 12/11/2014 16:33

Okay, here's the delio...
I'm quite concerned about my hubbys addiction to his computer! Sounds odd right?! Well he's on it at every waking moment and I feel he is missing out on so much. Especially with the kids (he's so far missed our sons first steps and any involvement in choosing and viewing our oldest sons school choices). I put a ban on the PC for a fortnight but he lasted less than 4 hours. He has previously told me he just goes on it to relax after work but I'm not totally convinced
I'm starting to feel like a single parent, I'm doing all housework, grocery shopping, childcare, mums taxi service and general daily events planner! He wakes, heads off to work, comes home and sits on the PC only coming off to use the loo and bedtime. He even eats his tea there!
It wouldn't bother me so much if he could just meet me half way but he's a bit stubborn! Any advice would be great. Cheers en.

OP posts:

Handywoman · 12/11/2014 17:20

I had a husband like that.

He is now living elsewhere and has even less involvement in his kids' lives.

Original poster

ToTheWinchester · 12/11/2014 17:23

Yes exactly that ^ invisible, the three yr old is all "daddy look at this" or "watch me" but it's only rarely noticed. The older 2 don't like it as they get bored easily and having to wait around for dad, it's annoying them.

OP posts:

Original poster

ToTheWinchester · 12/11/2014 17:25

I don't want him to obey me just to maybe acknowledge me sometimes!

OP posts:

nrv0us · 12/11/2014 17:29

Again, as a dad, I feel so sorry for this man. He is literally missing his own life.

Littlef00t · 12/11/2014 17:37

I would demand he didn't go on it until the kids are in bed and you both have the chance to relax.

Presumably you're running around while he's just gaming, when he should be helping you.

nrv0us · 12/11/2014 17:44

Wait, we're all just assuming that this guy isn't the king of somewhere. Is he the king of somewhere? If so, then his behaviour is totally appropriate and I take it all back.

Original poster

ToTheWinchester · 12/11/2014 19:17

Definitely not a king somewhere! I asked and he says he meets his mates online and they shoot people in a team. Sounds great

OP posts:

ruddygreattiger · 12/11/2014 19:24

Ffs, he sounds like a complete juvenile knob! What exactly do you get out of this relationship other than being the unpaid and unappreciated skivvy?? So sorry op, no way I would stay married to such an immature man-child. Life is too short to put up with that shite and its so sad your kids dont have a dad who is interested in them. His loss.

whatdoesittake48 · 12/11/2014 19:35

Do you have a laptop or tablet. Can you do a pop up message or email while he is online. The fact you ate talking to him via the computer while in the same room might give him food for thought.
Ignore him and only communicate in online messages. Make them frequent and annoying "babe's, your tea is ready" etc. Stoop to his level and see what the reaction is.

nrv0us · 12/11/2014 20:02

So in many ways you are a single mother with 5 children

Original poster

ToTheWinchester · 12/11/2014 20:10

Yeah I suppose so
I have a laptop so could try the messaging thing but that would feel like I'm away from the kids though if I'm also on it constantly
Will see if I can persuade him to try going on PC after kids go bed.
I'm about ready to throw the thing in the bin and be done with it!

OP posts:

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 12/11/2014 22:25

Omg snap. Since dh registered on twitter house and garden been very neglected he is addicted to it. Ppl say well u r on facebook but i am like well fuck it i do alot other things aswell. We had an evening without him on it conversation was so awkward i felt quite angry as its because social media has become the highlight of his life.

BOFster · 12/11/2014 22:30

Have a look at this thread nrv0us started and see if it speaks to you. You might want to ask your husband to read it too.

YellowTulips · 12/11/2014 22:36

There is no point fucking around with the router.

If he can't see that there is a big issue wrt him living his life online whilst real life bypasses him then no changes to your home OT set up will work.

Tell him he is a father not a teenager and if he expects you to be a single mother as a result of his disconnect with family life then you would rather he left so you only have 4 kids to deal with not 5.

Decide what's reasonable e.g. 2 hours a night after the kids have gone to bed. Meals eaten at the table and make him stick to it with the consequence that unless he does he will have all day everyday to play online- cos he'll be a sad alone tech nerd in a shitty flat.

HonoraryOctonaut · 12/11/2014 22:37

I would pull the plug out in a fit of temper I couldn't stand it.

How does he react when you out your foot down? Does he sulk? Give in graciously?

I honestly would have to leave him. I'm a single parent to 4. No way would I make it 5 by including a selfish, self centred, piss poor excuse for a father man child.

YellowTulips · 12/11/2014 22:39

Sounds like he might we playing WOW and be part of a raiding party btw. It can be very addictive. Work in IT and a few members of my team spend every hour they can on it - but they are generally in their twenties and single.

Coyoacan · 13/11/2014 03:58

Are you a SAHM? Because even if you are, it is not right that you should have to do everything by yourself with no support from him.

But who would want a computer addict as a partner in this world?

Original poster

ToTheWinchester · 13/11/2014 09:42

Yes I'm a stay at home mum, I gave up work when the first bubs came along! I've not had chance to go back!

He's not playing WoW it's something with tanks!

OP posts:

nrv0us · 13/11/2014 09:57

There's something in your tone that still strikes me as quite blithe 'oh well, what can you do?' about this -- maybe it's the exclamation marks?

You seem to be taking it all in your stride. Is it bothering you?

TheHermitCrab · 13/11/2014 10:00

I was thinking about this last night after reading again (strangely enough while my OH was on his Xbox) And how I would feel if he treated his console the way your OH does with his PC.

And to be honest I got frigging angry.

Seriously - you do not want to be messing with routers, parent controls, or doing anything that isn't HIS OWN DECISION to partake in life with you. It's seriously pathetic.

Foot needs putting down. I'm guessing there is a reason you have had more than one child with him? IF he was acting this way with previous children, ignoring you and them, not nurturing them...etc then you wouldn't have had more children with him would you?

He needs to change for his own life and yours and the children, not you changing him.

Tell him straight lassy. No messing.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 13/11/2014 10:03

If he doesn't want to give it up, he won't, no matter what you do. Don't start mucking about with routers and parental controls. That lacks dignity.

Why do you cook his dinner if he can't even show you the basic respect of eating with you?

Why do you clear up after his dinner?

Why do you do his laundry if he has time to play instead of doing his fair share in the evening?

Why do you do the DC bedtime if he is there and doing nothing better?

He is a twonk but you are enabling him to be twonk by doing everything for him.

I'd point out to him that he will have to get used to doing his own cooking. laundry, housework because if he carries on like this then he'll be doing in his little rented flat on his own.

TheHermitCrab · 13/11/2014 10:07

Thelittleonesaidrollover - completely agree with you. BUT

I don't know him, but in my mind I just imagined that that would result in him eating pot noodles in unwashed clothes, still sat at the computer :/

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2014 10:19

I think you need to give him an ultimatum and follow through if he doesn't buck his ideas up.
Rules in place first with consequences if they aren't adhered to.
I couldn't stand this. Honestly I couldn't.
I'd have kicked his arse to the curb ages ago.

RoganJosh · 13/11/2014 10:25

I'd approach it from the point of view of him not doing his fair share of house/children stuff to begin with. That's a bit more black and white than how he spends his free time.

Original poster

ToTheWinchester · 13/11/2014 13:27

I don't think giving up on him and our marriage is a great idea, what sort of message does it send the kids?
I love him unconditionally he just has this oddity!
He has become lazy and unmotivated so is in need of a kick up the butt.

He was promoted to a higher managers position at work meaning he isn't doing as much labour and more office based work. He became PC bound shortly after. If that makes sense?
Boredom maybe?

We had a big chat last night and I showed him this thread
He is ashamed.

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