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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I have a rant? Some may think i'm being silly, but hey-ho

26 replies

AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:24

The long and short of it is that my evening job is stopping, and I'm having to take day shifts (I work alone in an office and due to safety i'm not allowed to be here alone anymore etc etc) so no i have to work during the day. I don't work from choice, purely from necessity and have found a good company that are flexible and understanding about family etc. My sis has agreed to have dd one half day, she will go to nursery another half day and I have asked my MIL (who doesn't work) to help another half day until dd starts pre-school in september. She has reluctantly said yes, but has put us on a guilt trip and now I feel really miffed as we desperately need the money. The other thing that is lingering also is that my SIL has DS, and when they are too old or pass away we will become her legal guardian and I will be her carer (she does not require a lot atm but will when she's older) I'm just a bit miffed that MIL cannot help for 5 hours per week on a temporary basis to help us get by. Am i asking too much?

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 05/10/2006 18:27

Just checking - you are asking for 5 hrs a week from MIL for a year?

TwigTwoolett · 05/10/2006 18:27

don't understand the last bit of your post

"The other thing that is lingering also is that my SIL has DS, and when they are too old or pass away we will become her legal guardian and I will be her carer (she does not require a lot atm but will when she's older) I'm just a bit miffed that MIL cannot help for 5 hours per week on a temporary basis to help us get by. Am i asking too much?"

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:28

yes.

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 05/10/2006 18:29

A year isn't all that temporary in my mind, sorry

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:30

twig, i mean she is happy for me to take over looking after SIL in the future, and so am I, but she will not help us when we need it. I've got PMT big time so not sure If i'm being hormonally unreasonable. I have to stop the evenings as I have to lock up alone at 10.30 on an empty business park, and there has been a weird man mooching around so it's not safe

OP posts:
TwigTwoolett · 05/10/2006 18:31

SIL has downs syndrome? (not son)

WigWamBam · 05/10/2006 18:31

I don't think it would be asking too much in the short term, but maybe a year is too much. I have to say that neither my MIL nor my mother would do this as more than a one-off.

Have you asked her why she isn't happy to do it?

I don't think that becoming your SIL's legal guardian should come into it though; these things shouldn't be done on a "I did this so you can do that" basis.

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:32

SIL is at a resource unit all day. she goes to art class and prayer meetings and has to be home at 4pm for when dd gets back

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 05/10/2006 18:32

You could always ask her for the money for the extra nursery hours instead. That way she helps but isn't tied down to weekly childcare

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:34

i know what you mean.. like i said i'm being a bit hormonal. I just can't see any other way of earning enough to get by. I'm working loads as it is, and dh doesn't earn much.

OP posts:
TwigTwoolett · 05/10/2006 18:34

I think you're asking quite a lot actually .. I think you're asking for a long-term commitment

but what you should focus on is that she has said YES (albeit reluctantly) .. just show her some gratitude and talk up how lovely it will be for her to bond this way with DS

I think your hormones are making you feel miffed .. focus on the fact that she has said yes

My parents made it bloody clear to my sisters that they'd done their childcaring stint and didn't expect to be childminders for their grandchildren .. although they have mellowed over the intervening years

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:35

TheBlonde, what a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:38

Yes, it's SIL who has DS. DD is nearly 2 now. I think the brunt of it comes from me always being the one who works loads of jobs to make ends meet, and taking care of kids, all housework and all bills etc and dh doing his 9-5 and nothing else. I am grateful to her. I'd rather her have said no thatn yes grudgingly though

OP posts:
Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 18:45

thanks guys for helping me see through the red mist must do some work

OP posts:
Howwwwwlidaymum · 05/10/2006 18:53

If I was the mil I would not want to look after another child during the time my own child was in the resource centre, or rather if I did it wwould only be occasionally.

I would see that as MY time and would be quite protective of it! If she is getting older the responsibility of a ds could be quite tiring.

My parents also told me they were not there to be babysitters and they are getting on a bit too, they find the kids very very tiring, although now they do have them once a week, but completely by their own choice!

TwigTwoolett · 05/10/2006 18:54

oo yes if she could fund childcare let her

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 19:06

my sil is 35... she works 2 days a week, and and resource unit 3 days a week. She went to a normal school, and can look after herself in a lot of ways, but not in others (I suppose she's like a 14 year old). She did look after my ds for a while 5 years ago. This is my DD. Perhaps I will mention the funding bit Cheers again

OP posts:
Howwwwwlidaymum · 05/10/2006 19:08

Ok So no excuse there then good luck anyway!

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 19:08

I think I just needed a moan about nowt

OP posts:
Howwwwwlidaymum · 05/10/2006 19:09

and its raining......

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 19:10

and i broke my finger

OP posts:
Howwwwwlidaymum · 05/10/2006 19:14

You need chocolate and fast!

Original poster
AllieBongo · 05/10/2006 19:16

i know. do they do it via drip?

OP posts:
Howwwwwlidaymum · 05/10/2006 19:18

Now theres a a good idea! Or special motor bike delivery men who bring chocolate, dvd's, haagan daz or wine on the nhs for pmt.

Flossam · 05/10/2006 19:19

ab - i have issues with my mil so perhaps am not the best person to ask. i don't actually think that parents should be expected to care for our children on a regular basis. my mil wouldn't dream of it (she refuses to babysit too though - ever). also agree that a year is not short term. things have a habit of working out - hope they do!