DP and his female friend

[msevs]

Sorry, this is long! DP used to work with this friend a couple of years ago but not closely. He is unhappy at work and wants to go back to his old job, and this is being supported by his friend, who is very complimentary about his work.

Around three months ago, he told me that he was meeting this friend for lunch the next day and had taken the afternoon off as he would only have half an hour otherwise. He asked if I minded, told me I could trust him as he only has eyes for me, and that he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to. I was a bit taken aback as we have been together for years and although he has always been friendly with a few female colleagues, he has never met any of them one to one outside of work before. He gave me the impression it was only about work as he desperately wants to leave his job and she could help him with that, so I told him I was fine with it, even though I wasn't best pleased as I was home on mat leave at the time and would have preferred it if he had taken the afternoon off to take me to lunch. I commented on that but he didn't say anything.

After coming home that evening, DP admitted that the friend didn't have the influence he had hoped as she was being 'pushed out' in the workplace herself, so I assumed they didn't really need to meet to discuss work again. He didn't tell me much else about the lunch, unusual for him. Since then, his friend has been off work due to stress, both at work and at home. I know she is married but with no children. DP told me he found out because they had meant to meet up for lunch that week and she cancelled last minute. This lunch was news to me, he hadn't mentioned it before.

I know DP's phone password, so I checked his texts and noticed that DP asked her if she had wanted to meet up for a chat since she was feeling down. He also texted her on the day she had mentioned an appointment with the GP, asking how it went, and to contact him if she wanted to talk. This is odd for DP as he barely remembers anything, he certainly doesn't remember my appointments! The time of his texts to her caught my eye as well, 9pm on a Friday night, I knew I was at my sister's house at the time.

They had also made plans to meet for lunch when she was on annual leave recently but it didn't happen for some reason. He has sent her photos of the kids, and she asks him about them, but never about me and he doesn't mention me to her in his texts either. I have met her through work a couple of times, and she asked after DP, but we didn't really get the chance to talk.

Anyway, last week he mentioned to me that the friend had contacted him that day, told me that she was feeling better and what she had been up to. I had a feeling he wasn't telling me everything, and when I checked his phone, I noticed that they have made plans to meet later this month.

Why would he tell me that she contacted him and what she said, but left that part out? Should I be worried or am I being paranoid? Talk some sense into me!

I'd be in like a bulldozer i'm afraid. Along the lines of addtobasket's post. What is to be gained from pussyfooting?

I would expect DH to be exactly the same with me.

Yes. i agree. Be direct.

Sounds like nothing happening but he seems be more into her than the other way round which is lucky for you.

I would keep quiet for the time being, keep an eye on his phone.

I think that you should not wait to see if he does something. Snap him out of it by warning him

No way would I wait, a stitch in time saves nine as my gran used to say, why wait until it's definitely gone too far (and difficult to recover from) when you could stop it before it starts.

Both of you need to read Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends"

My DH had always been very open and chatty about colleagues and people he met in the course of work that I didn't know,telling me who said what about their families and funny things etc.Then several years ago he developed a friendship with a woman,and despite initially telling me about her,and a few brief background details he kept a lot to himself.He mentioned a lunchtime meeting they had because he thought she could help,and give him some information that would help our daughters partner who was starting a new career in her field of work.Because I completely trusted him I thought no more of it.But that one meeting and the texts between them lead to more and more texts,every day and meeting up most lunchtimes chats for several months.Until it all blew apart when her husband found sexually explicit texts on her phone.It nearly ended our long,and previously happy marriage and DH was horrified at how he'd allowed,and encouraged being'just good friends' become so secretive and inappropriate.

I forgave him eventually,but will never forget and neither will he how lying by omission can be as bad as outright deceit ,and how an emotional affair can be as damaging as a physical one.trust your instincts.He's already withholding too much from you IMO.

Sorry meant already withholding.

Thank you all for your views. I was going to just keep quiet and wait to see what happened around the time they had planned to meet, if he was going to be upfront about it or not. I'm not sure now. I know I should have said something about it when he brought it up last week, but it was really late when he was talking about it and I was too knackered.

To me, they are just too familiar with each other if it's a work relationship. In the texts she told him that she had been away with her husband that week and it made a change for him to arrange something instead of it always falling on her. I think she is having problems in her marriage as well, that's what DP said another colleague told him when they were discussing why she was off work.

She also told him she hadn't been thinking much about work lately, which again leads me to wonder why she still wants to meet with DP for lunch. To me that proves that it isn't just a work relationship, that's just what he tells me. It had been my birthday the same week but DP didn't tell her that. Maybe because he knew I was disappointed that he hadn't really made much of an effort for it this year, but that's another story. Oh, and he did text her on my birthday as well, since she replied to a text he had sent to her beforehand and he never said anything then either.

I do think he is struggling with things a bit, as I made a comment that sometimes he still acts like he lives alone and he admitted then that he is still adjusting to the situation since DD was born seven months ago. He has been working really hard lately, but to me that means he should be spending his free time with his family, not texting this woman and making plans to meet her without telling me, taking afternoons off work to see her. He has also said that life has changed a lot since DD was born, but his hasn't changed all that much. He still gets to do what he's always done, it's my life that has been more or less put on hold.

I don't think I would have been so suspicious if he hadn't made a big deal of telling me I could trust him, and so on. I suppose that's when the seed of doubt entered my mind, since he has never told me anything like that before, but like I said, I can't ever remember him specifically making plans to meet any other woman on their own, if it wasn't me or a family member. Looking back, I also think DP knew this woman didn't have much influence with getting him a job, that's just the line he fed me so I would be ok with him seeing her for lunch, since he dismissed it pretty quickly afterwards and clearly it hasn't made much difference to their relationship.

You say he's been working really hard lately - what, late coming home, unscheduled meetings, last minute calls to say he's catching up with a backlog of work, that kind of working hard? are you sure DP's where he says he is?

I think they are teetering on the brink of, at the very least, an emotional affair. I would definitely talk to him and ask what's really going on.

He does work late a couple of nights a week, but he runs a course and I know where he is. He has also been around an hour late home a couple of times recently but I know that was genuine, so I do trust him on that score. I can tell by his messages that he wasn't with this friend any of those times. He is always interested in making more money so when he is offered more work, he never says no, even though that means less time with us. he always says he doesn't want to go to work and he'd rather be home with us, but his actions say differently because he keeps accepting more work.

I think he's also flattered that his work is in demand, and this particular friend has always flattered him about that, how his methods always work and so on.

Don't wait for it to blow up. Just sit down with him and ask him how often he talks / texts the friend, wait for his response and then ask if he has seen her again since the lunch.
Follow it up with have you arranged to meet up? And ask to see his phone, tell him your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong, if he wont show you his messages then tell him you are going with your gut instinct then.

Point out to him what you said here about his life not actually changing that much and your concerns over him choosing to be out so much. Don't buy into, its extra family money as what you and DD need most is him around.

He is creeping towards an edge which it will become harder to pull back from. If you wait until nearer the meet up you know is planned then he is likely to say that he cant cancel now as its too late. Then he'll hide things better.

I work in a male dominated workplace, the whole industry is. So, there's a few things you've said I could respond to by saying "ah but, it's ok ... I do that and I'm not having an affair with him".

There can be genuine friendships between male & female colleagues. They can extend to non-work conversations. I will "admit" to having dinner with a few work friends when we've both / all been away, or either is in the other hometown / place of work. Conversation has strayed into non-work stuff. As far as I'm aware none of us are interested in anything more than a pint, a cocktail or a half-decent meal on company expenses. I'd be upset if partners of colleagues thought there was anything more to it.

Having said that, this isn't me and the folks I know. Only you know if this is different. At the very least, you're uncomfortable with it. Whether you've got cause, or not, we don't know. But you not being happy is reason enough to discuss with him.

I work in a male dominated workplace .... so, there's a few things you've said I could respond to by saying "ah but, it's ok ... I do that and I'm not having an affair with him". There can be genuine friendships between male & female colleagues. They can extend to non-work conversations. I will "admit" to having dinner with a few work friends when we've both / all been away, or either is in the other hometown / place of work. Conversation has strayed into non-work stuff. As far as I'm aware none of us are interested in anything more than a pint, a cocktail or a half-decent meal on company expenses. I'd be upset if partners of colleagues thought there was anything more to it.

The problem with this is that it is someone he 'used' to work with a couple of years ago. He doesn't work with her now, unless I'm not reading it correctly? No current work related/logistical contact - he has to make a point of contacting her to meet up at separate locations, and vice versa.

He also texts her at 9pm in the evening when his wife is out to ask how she is? Texts and emails have a very 'personal' tone to them, unlike his communications with his other male and female colleagues. He fibs about his contact with her, to the OP. Lies and partial truths - not disclosing planned meetings and so on. He discusses and sends pictures of his children to her, but doesn't ever mention the OP?

It's not quite the same as working with someone you have occasional friend/social contact with and conversations straying into non-work stuff. Also, would you tell your significant other lies and half-truths about those occasions if there was absolutely nothing to them other than work colleagues straying off topic in terms of conversation?

I wouldn't like it.

It's out of character for him. She's not a colleague. He's keeping her at arm's length from you, and he's being evasive/secretive about their meetings.

I know it's been a while, but DP is meeting his friend tomorrow. He hasn't mentioned her to me after I last posted but I knew things hadn't just gone quiet and lo and behold, he texted her last week asking if lunch was still on. She said it is, she's looking forward to it etc. He asked her if she wanted to meet at a cafe close to where his parents live, I know they are both out during the day and DP just lets himself in if he's passing through. I'm not sure if he'd go so far as taking her to the house, but knowing he is meeting her somewhere that is special to him is bad enough.

Fast forward to tonight, he leaves it till really late then tells me he had forgotten he is meeting this friend for coffee tomorrow, that it was something that was planned weeks ago and he'd put it in his work diary, but he doesn't really think she'll come anyway since she's feeling low. He also said that he didn't know yet where they would be meeting. Fucking liar. I knew his behaviour regarding this friendship was shady but this has really proven it now. I didn't say anything, I was stunned that he could just casually lie to me like that, makes me wonder what else he is lying about. I don't really know where to go from here. I know I should have confronted him weeks ago.

Lies upon lies upon lies. He needs confronting

Are you going to tail him and observe the meetup? This could all get very 'private detective' very fast.

Still, that's pretty shitty about the way he handled this.

Stop fussy footing around now Op. You will regret being passive when your dd is spending weekends with them and you've had to sell your house. This isn't a normal friendship and he's willing to lie to you to spend time with her. You are currently enabling this and tomorrows meeting has the potential to result in them being isolated in his parents house. Emotional affairs are simply affairs that have not yet gone physical.

Two adults who have a secret freindship ,who are willing to lie to their spouses in order to meet up, and it just so happens it's near his parents empty house. It's not about meeting for a coffee. This mustnt happen.

Tell him now that you knows he's been lying and that he ends this friendship now or he doesn't come back from his catch up with her. Others will disagree but I would also contact her husband to inform him that your husband is telling lies in order to meet with his wife secretly.

I'd nuke it. I really would.

I'm with badbaldingballerina123 on this one - and OP I think you to prepare yourself for the fact that you'll get more lies and you should issue him with an ultimatum re: leaving.

So now you know he's 100% lying. If you challenge him he'll probably be dismissive, and the whole thing will become about you reading his texts.

Feels a bit odd to say but maybe you could go to the cafe he's meeting her at. If you observe them for yourself it may be clearer as to what sort of relationship they have. I'm not suggesting you confront them. At least this way he can't shoot down anything you say if you've seen it with your own eyes. He's put you in an absolutely horrible position. I guess you may have to take such action if you want to know for sure.

She's playing dumsell in distress and he's being the typical white knight with all the emotional support. Really he has been testing you about this , telling you snippets here and there. Often they throw these snippets out there to test your reaction. Sometimes they want you to notice and put your foot down . When you don't react it proves their theory that you don't care about them.

On your part you've known about this for some time and not said anything. Why not ? What is stopping you ?

Are you afraid to say anything because you have to confess that you've looked at his texts ? I think his lying trumps your understandable checking of his phone.

He's busily minimising the relationship to you.

I kind of think it'd be good if you join him for the "coffee with his ex colleague".