Background: DH is supportive of me with dcs, me going back to school, moved to UK (he's from another country). He has always watched porn. I was 17 when I moved to his country to be with him. I watched it too. It was new and exciting to me. Fast forward a bunch of kids and 14 years later and I feel differently. I let him know this years ago but tbh can't remember if I was just upset at him and said I didn't want him watching it or if I articulated how it made me feel. Not sure I can even pinpoint how I feel so probably was just upset at him. I didn't see any porn in the house after this.
We have a 7wk old dd and throughout my pregnancy we probably had sex about 4 times. All on the earlier months. I was suspicious as to why he didn't seem bothered by this and did ask him in late pregnancy. He said he hadn't thought about it as he'd been so busy with work and understood I was uncomfortable etc. Fair enough.
We have parental controls on the Internet and a few nights when I have been upstairs in bed feeding the baby and going on MN ( 
) I aaw email notifications that the parental lock has been overridden. The email is then promptly deleted. Dh stays downstairs every night working on his laptop. I started wondering what he was doing so looked on his laptop this morning. Internet history had a bunch of rubbish about girls in yoga pants showing everything 
wasn't best pleased but overall thought hey ho its dodgy pictures through fb not the end of the world. Then I saw his documents folder was open so clicked on that. Found three videos. 
cream pies and god knows what else. Didn't look for anymore.
I need help articulating my feelings. This is where I am so far:
I have just had a baby. It was very hard going. I am better now but still very emotional about it. I have two stone to lose and a jelly belly. I feel like complete shit knowing he is looking at picture perfect women giving men everything they want on a screen and getting off to this. How am I supposed to live up to that??
Trust. I feel like he broke my trust. Our sex life has never been fantastic and a lot of that has been me not feeling comfortable I.e. he has been looking at those women and I don't want him looking at me now (this probably doesn't make sense does it)
I don't know how I'm going to have sex with him again and I feel so hurt anf self conscious. The tragic thing is the last week or so I was starting to feel really ready for sex and wanting him again. I was fantasising about making it really great after him going so long without and being so supportive of me. How laughable. How sad am I.
Porn. Why am I so against it? The feminist issue is definitely one for me. Just look at the titles of these things. Its abuse of women. I'm sure some women freely choose this but can't help feeling they must be in the minority? We have daughters ffs. FFS. How fucking dare he.
I didnt look at what porn he had. I saw one title was a well known "porn star" so in that sense there didn't seem to be the extreme stuff (have I got this all wrong is it all extreme? )
We are buying our first house together atm. My parents have given us the deposit. We will be joint tenants. I feel like I need to change that now.
I have put up with hia shortfalls over the course of our relationship. This makes me feel far less tolerant.
When I started this post I felt devastated. I kept trying to minimise this. "He needs something to have a wank to and you aren't putting out" but now I'm just pissed off and not sure what to do.
I feel how I feel and surely he should give a shit about me? Or am I way overreacting?
Someone help. Please. I'm just a mess right now with a demanding beautiful baby who wants feeding all the time and dcs who need a sane mother.