Porn. Am I overreacting?

[Thisismync]

Background: DH is supportive of me with dcs, me going back to school, moved to UK (he's from another country). He has always watched porn. I was 17 when I moved to his country to be with him. I watched it too. It was new and exciting to me. Fast forward a bunch of kids and 14 years later and I feel differently. I let him know this years ago but tbh can't remember if I was just upset at him and said I didn't want him watching it or if I articulated how it made me feel. Not sure I can even pinpoint how I feel so probably was just upset at him. I didn't see any porn in the house after this.

We have a 7wk old dd and throughout my pregnancy we probably had sex about 4 times. All on the earlier months. I was suspicious as to why he didn't seem bothered by this and did ask him in late pregnancy. He said he hadn't thought about it as he'd been so busy with work and understood I was uncomfortable etc. Fair enough.

We have parental controls on the Internet and a few nights when I have been upstairs in bed feeding the baby and going on MN ( ) I aaw email notifications that the parental lock has been overridden. The email is then promptly deleted. Dh stays downstairs every night working on his laptop. I started wondering what he was doing so looked on his laptop this morning. Internet history had a bunch of rubbish about girls in yoga pants showing everything wasn't best pleased but overall thought hey ho its dodgy pictures through fb not the end of the world. Then I saw his documents folder was open so clicked on that. Found three videos. cream pies and god knows what else. Didn't look for anymore.

I need help articulating my feelings. This is where I am so far:
I have just had a baby. It was very hard going. I am better now but still very emotional about it. I have two stone to lose and a jelly belly. I feel like complete shit knowing he is looking at picture perfect women giving men everything they want on a screen and getting off to this. How am I supposed to live up to that??

Trust. I feel like he broke my trust. Our sex life has never been fantastic and a lot of that has been me not feeling comfortable I.e. he has been looking at those women and I don't want him looking at me now (this probably doesn't make sense does it)
I don't know how I'm going to have sex with him again and I feel so hurt anf self conscious. The tragic thing is the last week or so I was starting to feel really ready for sex and wanting him again. I was fantasising about making it really great after him going so long without and being so supportive of me. How laughable. How sad am I.

Porn. Why am I so against it? The feminist issue is definitely one for me. Just look at the titles of these things. Its abuse of women. I'm sure some women freely choose this but can't help feeling they must be in the minority? We have daughters ffs. FFS. How fucking dare he.
I didnt look at what porn he had. I saw one title was a well known "porn star" so in that sense there didn't seem to be the extreme stuff (have I got this all wrong is it all extreme? )

We are buying our first house together atm. My parents have given us the deposit. We will be joint tenants. I feel like I need to change that now.

I have put up with hia shortfalls over the course of our relationship. This makes me feel far less tolerant.

When I started this post I felt devastated. I kept trying to minimise this. "He needs something to have a wank to and you aren't putting out" but now I'm just pissed off and not sure what to do.
I feel how I feel and surely he should give a shit about me? Or am I way overreacting?

Someone help. Please. I'm just a mess right now with a demanding beautiful baby who wants feeding all the time and dcs who need a sane mother.

I also faced this mainly through written correspondence as it's easier to get everything said, plus DH was away with work. You do need to get this out in the open and a letter sounds like the most appropriate method, if you're uncomfortable talking about it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Personally, I'm heartened to see that others have come through this. My own experience so far is that DH has been embarrassed but prepared to be totally honest, apologetic and massively reassuring about the way he feels about me, my body, misogyny, the lot. This is the very least I would expect and accept now and even after all that I'm undecided.

As an aside, I totally get where you're coming from about looking like those women. I don't even look like myself anymore, as I'm still wobbly from my recent pregnancy, but when I spoke to my DH about this he was another one who was full of reassurance about loving me the way I am and that if he were single he wouldn't want to attract the plastic, flawless type, it's just not what he likes, it's just what porn actresses look like. I think a pp said it is a coincidence, that's all. The weaker part of me still feels inferior somehow though.

The fact that your DH was 10yrs older than you and introduced you to it as a 17 year old is sounding a bit off with me too. How do you feel about that now?

I don't buy this "I wouldn't want a plastic woman" shit. It's like there's a missing end of the sentence, "but I'm quite happy to watch that kind of woman having this or that done to them".

I've kind of vetted what me and DP watch and it's nothing like that. If it was, our sex would be rougher, and it's not. I'd like it to be, but it's pretty "normal" in the sense of it's not rough or kinky no matter how much I would like it to be.
People need to be comfortable in their relationship
thats the issue here.
I don't think I've ever seen hardcore porn - i've never gone looking for it and generally don't go for the videos with porn-y titles. The two I like are in a relationship with each other, Stoya & James Deen, they are a beautiful couple and make great porn.

Just a minute

In what way did this man "pay" for you to leave school and set up home with him. Was eh the one that introduced you to porn at 17yo ?

What. The. Fuck.

Men who divide the women in this world into "plastic ones that I wank over as they get penetrated in every orifice, whether they have fully consented or not" and "those proper women I would want to have a relationship with" are sick fucks. If you go along with it, you are part of the problem I am afraid.

Vivacia, I absolutely agree with you, hence my inferiority complex in my lower moods.

Sorry if this is TMI, but my DH explained it that it's not their faces or bodies that appeals, but what they're doing provides a visual stimulus, which makes pleasing yourself easier and more fulfilling in the absence of real sex. I'm still struggling to believe that, but I guess it could be true. What I'm trying to get at is that, although OP isn't feeling at her best as she's recently had a baby and her physical self esteem has taken a hit, she shouldn't assume that this means her DH isn't attracted to her anymore.

TT, you have absolutely no reason to feel inferior. Your husband is the substandard one.

Sorry xpost with AF. Again I do agree with you. I said to my DH that I think he's a pretty sick fucker if he views women as the sluts you fuck and the wives you marry. In my case, I genuinely don't believe he thinks that way, he certainly refuted that accusation. He's only ever been with me and I don't fall neatly into either of those misogynistic, mythical categories.

I'm not trying to make excuses for OP's DH letting her down, I know how awful it feels because I'm living it myself and believe me, I hate every aspect of porn and I hate that I now see that part of my husband buys into this woman-hating bullshit, believe me. I just don't think it's easy in real life to say "well you're a fucking pervert and so I'm leaving everything that's good about you and breaking up our family". I hope that OP can talk to her DH then proceed in a way that is best for her.

Tulip I believe that having orgasms or similar sexual pleasure is pretty much normal for most adults. This is not the same as saying most adults need to use porn.

I just don't think it's easy in real life to say "well you're a fucking pervert and so I'm leaving everything that's good about you and breaking up our family".

I agree with you. I think what's far more realistic is "I've thought about little else for a couple of weeks and come to accept that you're a fucking pervert and so I'm leaving you. Your actions have broken up our family".

I respect your decision, Tulip. Your family, your life. I won't ever change my opinion about men who dispose of some women into the pile marked "those only useful for wanking over" though.

Have read replies will reply fully later as busy with dcs.
Feel like I've opened a can of worms with regards to my own feelings. Maybe this was the last straw. Upset but pretending not to be for dcs. Dh is home soon. Don't know how I can pretend then.

I haven't made my decision yet. I agree with you 100%, that's what makes it so difficult. I know it shouldn't be difficult, but it is.

OP I think you need some Real Life support. Is there somebody you can confide in? I think seeking professional help would be a good idea too. Are you in the UK?

Thisis, don't pretend to be ok. You're not ok and he needs to know that. Good luck, I really feel for you.

Ok. Managed to get through evening quietly welling up every now and then. Eventually couldn't hold on anymore, dh asked what's wrong and I said I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I couldn't bf in front of him. I don't want him seeing my body.
I then cried myself to sleep while feeding a fussy baby. Repeat x 3.
He didn't work downstairs last night so maybe he knows. He lay next to me listening. I don't trust him anymore.
I have no rl support. Friends have diminished over the years. Not close to family. Can't tell my dm.

He paid for my tickets to leave home at 17. Not sure how I feel about it now. Bit confused. I think he should have broke it off and said stay in school.
I moved out, started smoking weed, gained a lot of weight, became isolated and had a baby. We moved back to the UK a few years later. We've built a solid life now. I stopped smoking drugs and drinking. Got a degree and a decent job. Work hard to so the best I can for my awesome dcs.
I'm rambling. I suffer from anxiety and sometimes depression. I don't think I've got the strength to deal with this right now. I've got a lot of other things going round in my mind, from stuff to do with dh to my own identity to dcs needs and so on and so on.

Sorry I can't give you all a clear answer on what happened or how I dealt with it. Truth is I'm a mess with big tomato eyes this morning and nothing seems right. I guess it's not just about porn.
I have today to continue my depression and then tomorrow the confident, strong woman mask must reappear and look convincing. Sigh.

Hi Op,

Sounds like you are in a pretty rough place right now- hugs and tea for you, and a reminder to give yourself some compassion and breathing room!

Re: the porn, I think you are (understandably) being a bit unreasonable. Porn is a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and in my experience, men and women tend to perceive it differently. That is another thread.

However, what matters to you and to your relationship is the role which porn plays. Thus far, you have used it together erotically at points in the past, and it does not sound like you have ever had the conversation whereby you explain your feelings on it and ensure that he understands it is a no-go area (and potentially, a deal breaker!).

So, you need to have that conversation- after which point, if he does use it, that is a deal breaker.

If you want my honest opinion? It sounds like you are not happy with your relationship and your sex life, and you are using this porn thing as an opportunity to call time, without having to be the bad guy and say that things have changed! That you have changed, that your feelings have changed, that your needs and expectations have changed.

Does that strike a chord at all?

I think he took advantage of you when you were younger. He certainly didn't look after you, he exposed you to things we tend not to expose loved ones to.
But look at what you achieved despite that. You are strong. You are a survivor. I think you have succeeded against pretty high odds.

These things come to the surface when we are strong enough to deal with them. It's hard going, but it gets easy when you do look at them. Can you get to the doctor's today? Emergency appointment, and get some help.

grumpasaur FFS. She was 17.

I agree with grumpasaur, very down to earth post about a very emotive subject.

I am uncomfortable with the idea that what people do at the start of a relationship becomes something they shouldn't change their mind about doing 15 years down the line especially when it entails a 17 yr old girl and a 28/29 yr old man.

Maybe you need to tell him how you feel about porn and everything. Maybe he will listen and you will feel happy again.

Or maybe you need to accept you are growing apart. If that's the case, be assured, there is no need to panic, or even to do anything right now, just carefully and quietly, start planning for a different future.

As Vivacia said, look at what you've achieved. You are a very strong young woman.

It is perfectly ok to change your mind about things, or for it to sometimes be ok or not.

Many of us enjoy a wide range of sexual practices but not all the time and move on and leave some things behind.

No means no, not just regarding whether you consent to sex, but also the type of activity you engage in or find acceptable in your relationship.

First step is always to ensure you've clearly communicated your thoughts and feels, especially important regarding changes of practices.

I think this is about more than porn. I think this is about a vulnerable young woman, who has grown from strength to strength, gaining a degree, a career and becoming a mother, but the dynamic between her and her partner hasn't changed to reflect that. Would I be right OP?

Tell me, has he fully supported you in your degree and career endeavours, or are these things you had to fight for yourself?

You need to talk to him and yy to going to the GP, you sound very down. Whatever you're feeling with regards to your own self esteem, look at what you've achieved in your life, you're a determined capable woman.

Grump - I think You're right about everything changing but maybe I wasn't sure what my feelings had changed to if that makes sense. I'm not sure if I do want to end my relationship.
Overall DH is caring, I feel that he does love me and want me to be happy. I have grown into a different person than I was at 17. Maybe I've grown into someone that is no longer compatible with DH. Were we ever compatible? How much of me moving in with him was just teenage madness?
I'm seriously considering counselling for us if we can afford it (on mat leave atm so finances very tight) but I can't even get around to speaking to him about the porn issue first let alone all of these other thoughts.

Viv I do wonder WTF was DH thinking. I have always come across as strong minded (hides a lot of vulnerability but we won't go into that now) but did he not think at any point that what he was doing was so wrong?! How do I even broach this subject I mean it was years ago... Do I have a right to go over old news now? Shouldn't I just move on.

John I'm not ready to start planning anything yet. Tbh showering is an achievement right now. I have taken steps to protect my parents money if it does all go tits up

Tulip he has supported me but at the same time I've been made to feel guilty at times. I do think over the years I've shifted gears I.e. I have no time for lazy people with no aspirations. I don't think he is as 'go get 'em' as me. Or his aspirations differ to mine.

Thank you all for your comments. My self esteem is in the gutter right now. I don't want my esteem attached to the actions of someone else but that's not how it always works in rl is it.

Hi, sorry I didn't have time to come on to respond yesterday. Hopefully today feels a bit brighter for you, and that baby allowed you to get some rest.

I think that you would benefit from some counselling on your own, to be honest, as you are confused about some pretty big issues here.

When you were younger, it could have been that he was exploiting you by introducing you to porn. Or, it could have been that you showed interest and he thought "wah hey, my girlfriend is young and hot AND into porn". Only you know which one of these it was, and I would urge you to reflect on the situation as it was then, rather than from where you are now.

One thing we all do when we are struggling is recreate history- perhaps we view it through a new lens, or we see our young selves with the knowledge we have learned as adults, and we attribute new thoughts and experiences to situations which weren't there at the time. This can be helpful to change our behaviour and situations now, and it can be helpful to explore our own patterns and potential vulnerabilities, but it's not fair / right to superimpose your feelings from now onto a situation from the past... God I would hate myself and many men in my life if I did that!!

No man, and no relationship, is perfect. You know that. It sounds like perhaps your DH captured your fancy when you were younger, and you built a life based on where you were then. This is normal, and healthy.

However, you have grown and changed (as we all do during those years), and what you need to decide is if that growth has room for DH, or if it does not.

It's okay if it doesn't, and you don't need a reason. People grow apart and life changes us- but we only have one life and we ultimately only have ourselves to live it with / answer to, so we need to carve our own paths to contentedness.

The porn in my view is a red herring. If you cannot chat to him, write him a letter. Just say you don't agree with porn and explain how it makes you feel, and make it clear what you expect in terms of his behaviour... That is all you can control, so control that.

And yes, get thee to a GP. I think you may be depressed and need some support!!