Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being foolish re man that can't meet

30 replies

SezaMcGregor · 10/11/2014 11:07

Met guy. Had massive crush. Finally contacted him. Said that he is ill with some long term pain thing and though he is really pleased to hear of my interest, and would like to meet up, cannot do so for a while. Asked me to keep in touch and we've since been exchanging a few messages a day - sometimes more.

I really really have a massive crush.

He says that he is keen to leave it open ended, just keep it friendly. He finds me attractive and would really like to meet. He's also wary about leading me on to think that there could be a relationship when he's so far from being able to see me.

His messages are friendly, he seems interesting and has good hobbies and interests.

I just wonder whether my judgement is being clouded by the guy that I really fancy showing even a bit of interest and should I realistically just tell him to get in touch when he is able to see me?

Do not know what to do.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 10/11/2014 11:09

Hm. This is the sort of situation I get myself into. Whether he's being honest or not, there's not actually anything substantial on the table at the moment. He might be unwell, or he might be hiding a wife/family.

I would advise (difficult I know) backing off and seeing what happens.

BastardGoDarkly · 10/11/2014 11:11

I'd forget about him, move on to someone who can give you something more tangible.

He may have used a fake photo or anything, this isn't going to go anywhere.

Myearhurts · 10/11/2014 11:12

I would either back off entirely, or just be completely straight with him and ask where it is going.

JeanSeberg · 10/11/2014 11:13

How many times have you met him? Have you been on a date with him or is it someone you know?

GoatsDoRoam · 10/11/2014 11:13

You're in a situation where you're being left hanging. Which does not do you any good.

Can he commit to seeing you at a specific date in time?

If not, then I think you need to stop with the friendly messages and make a real effort to move on. Yes, tell him to be in touch when he is able, if you want. But don't just hold your breath waiting. However wonderful or not he is, you being on hold is not healthy for you.

If he's not available for health reasons, then he's not available. However honest or an unfair a reason that is, it's still unavailability. You can't have a relationship with someone who is not available.

Original poster
SezaMcGregor · 10/11/2014 11:14

I'm sure that it's true as I've spoken to a friend of his (loosely) about it and he was the one that said, yes he is single but has this going on.

I think that I was so caught up with his being pleased that I'm interested to give it any much consideration.

I like him and I don't really want to tell him to "call me when you can meet me" but wonder if I should?

OP posts:
Original poster
SezaMcGregor · 10/11/2014 11:15

Wow - lots of messages.

Thank you, that's given me some perspective on things :)

I think that there are lots of things ^ that I needed to hear/see

OP posts:
Myearhurts · 10/11/2014 11:16

The thing is there are people all over the world with chronic conditions who still manage to have relationships.

Without knowing the circumstances it's difficult to know how to judge this one. For example if he is in the hospital I can understand why he couldn't really entertain the idea of having a relationship right now.

However if he is at home, what is there to stop you from visiting him?

SelfLoathing · 10/11/2014 11:17

He's also wary about leading me on to think that there could be a relationship when he's so far from being able to see me.

Men usually tell you everything you need to know directly. "I'm not ready for a relationship"; "I don't want anything serious" etc etc. Woman often ignore this at their peril.

This sounds to me exactly like this. He is TELLING you there is not going to be a relationship and he would be leading you on. All you need to know. Stop right now.

You'll only fan the flames of your crush and end up a limmerent, obsessive wreck.

[Obviously, I am highly suspicious but I wonder whether he is in fact married. Stuff about not being able to meet up for a while is commonly a ruse; it means I'm not free to just disappear for an evening as my wife will suspect so I need a bit of time to plan and find out when she's out for the evening/away.]

Original poster
SezaMcGregor · 10/11/2014 11:29

SelfLoathin - Nope, I'm pretty certain that he's a single man.

I'm also pretty certain that his illness is true, as is his wanting not to meet until this phase passes is also truth.

I think that I've just been blinded by his attentions.

OP posts:
zigazigah01 · 10/11/2014 11:33

yep, ditch this guy.
I have done this before - ignored what a guy was telling me upfront (that he was happy with his life as a bachelor).
Also, do you really need a pen pal? Been there, done that - in the end it just becomes very frustrating.
Easier to cut this off now before you get in much deeper.

Lovingfreedom · 10/11/2014 11:36

Catfish

Original poster
SezaMcGregor · 10/11/2014 11:41

Thank you - I needed that (no sarcasm).

OP posts:
Original poster
SezaMcGregor · 10/11/2014 11:41

LovingFreedom - he's not a catfish, I've met him.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 10/11/2014 12:01

What's a catfish?

tipsytrifle · 10/11/2014 12:03

He says that he is keen to leave it open ended, just keep it friendly.

I think he's said where he's coming from, really. He's not available on a romantic basis and has limited availability as a friend. Goats said it well.

What's unnerving is that so many find unavailability such an attraction ... no, really. Is it the challenge? Wanting to be the One/the rescuer?

Whatever, a decent cup of coffee probably has far more to offer by way of gratification ...

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 12:03

He wants the ego boost you provide. Is happy to keep you dangling to keep getting the cookies but doesn't want to put in the effort of a relationship

It's for you to decide whether you are worth more than that

LoisPuddingLane · 10/11/2014 12:13

so many find unavailability such an attraction ... no, really. Is it the challenge? Wanting to be the One/the rescuer?

In a lot of cases it's just hardwired into your emotional system. Emotionally unavailable father who only spoke to me to put me down, in my case. It's hard to escape.

tipsytrifle · 10/11/2014 12:18

Totally agree Lois. I'm the same, with parents as the point of origin Sad

LoisPuddingLane · 10/11/2014 12:20

It's rubbish isn't it? However hard one tries to be positive, those early messages are just wired in. I know forgiveness is healthy and all that, but I am not sure I'll ever forgive my father - for that and many other things.

InfinitySeven · 10/11/2014 12:23

I agree with everyone who has said that you are looking for something that he can't give.

He's told you that he'll be your online friend, but he doesn't want anything more than that. He's dressed it up so it doesn't seem so harsh, and you don't give him a virtual slap, but that's what he's said.

He's told you this now so that in a few months/years, when he's with someone else or you realise that you've wasted a lot of time holding on for him, he can say that he told you that he just wanted to be friends, that he can't (or doesn't want to) give anything more. He's told you who he is.

It's probably flattering for both of you to have this type of intense online communication, talking every day. If you're happy with just that, you could carry on until you meet someone better. Now that your feelings are involved, though, you're likely to end up getting hurt, and that would really suck. I'd back away now.

LoisPuddingLane · 10/11/2014 12:25

Yup. What Infinity said.

zigazigah01 · 10/11/2014 12:28

"a decent cup of coffee probably has far more to offer by way of gratification"

haha, this made me laugh.

I have consistently gone for unavailable men over the last few years, I think as a way of protecting myself. If they are unavailable then I can't really get too involved, so there is no chance of being badly hurt. This is on the back up of a very bad break up, that rocked my very sense of myself.

However I am now just tired of it. I think I deserve more than that. As do you.

SweetsForMySweet · 10/11/2014 12:30

I think he is keeping you hanging on as a backup option in case he doesn't meet anyone else. I would get on with your life and not put dating other people on hold while you are waiting for this guy to commit to having a romantic relationship with you. You deserve better. If he was really that into you, he would date you now.

tipsytrifle · 10/11/2014 12:32

Indeed it is rubbish of the first order. It's annoying to recognise that, at some level, my choices of "bad for me" men has been pre-determined by self-obsessed parents. It makes me wonder how much of us is truly "us" and how much an imposition by others. I like to think that the good bits are mine and the crap stuff in my wiring came from "them."

Hopefully, OP you'll find some of this chat between Lois and I helpful.