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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh god....all over the place :(

29 replies

chestnut100 · 09/11/2014 21:01

I don't know what I'm asking here, I just need to talk. My rl friends would go apeshit with me if I said what I'm about to say.

About 8 years ago, a 6 year relationship came to an end. I loved this guy like I'd never loved anyone. It was by my own admission, deeply unhealthy in terms if the hurt it caused me throughout, however I do believe he was a good man and our relationship was doomed only by circumstance.

When it ended I was utterly broken, to the extent I was physically unwell. I tried to put him out of my mind and even married, but have always known that I have never met anyone, including my husband, who I loved like I loved him.

It took at least four years before he stopped bring in my thoughts daily. My marriage failed in this time. I've moved on. Until I bumped into him today. It felt like I'd gone back in term 8 years. We barely spoke due to the circumstances of our meeting (him at work) but I felt like I'd been punched in the face. I still love him. I realise now he probably will be the love of my life. I can't imagine feeling about anyone the way I did about him. I feel sick, I can't get him out of my mind. I could easily be in touch with him...but it would be lethal.

I'm so, so sad tonight

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 09/11/2014 21:04

Why would contact be lethal? Why is he so bad?

SelfLoathing · 09/11/2014 21:10

our relationship was doomed only by circumstance.

Would I be right in guessing he is married or otherwise involve in along term relationship?

If so, stay well away. (Ask me how I know)

Your reaction has just been triggered by bumping into him. Fact is an affair is always a fantasy. The feelings of love/lust/infatuation whatever you want to call it are heightened by the longing that goes with being unable to be together.

You get the fantasy. Not the reality of skid marked pants on the floor and grumpy man flu men.

Stick it out. Don't call him or get in touch. Sit tight. The trigger feeling will pass.

Original poster

chestnut100 · 09/11/2014 21:12

Whrn i say lethal, i mean emotionally for me. Because he's married. It is much much more complicated than it sounds (although I am potentially buying into every cliche in the book). He genuinely managed to convince me their marriage had finished; spent xmases with me, met my family, basically was my full time boyfriend. I know it makes him sound horrendous, but these things are never black and white. I know that he genuinely loved me, from a conversation I overheard where he sat crying to our then mutual boss.

I know if I read this back I would think that he sounds a person well rid of. I hate that I feel this way. I just cannot stop how I feel. I am in control of how I respond and will do the right thing, my heart just hurts

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 09/11/2014 21:15

PS: If he is married then this:

I realise now he probably will be the love of my life. I can't imagine feeling about anyone the way I did about him.

is probably true - that you'll never feel about anyone in the same way again. But this is not because he is the love of your life. It is because it was an affair -a fantasy.

MM pursuing a woman do so in the most Oscar-winning rom-com blockbuster film way. Because they have nothing to lose. They have a wife, a marriage, a life. They are free to chase women and act all over the top because rejection doesn't matter in the scheme of things. Normal single guys don't act like that because rejection matters to them, the development of a potential relationship is more real.

That's just one example - but a feature of why "he's the love of my life" about an affair is actually, usually not true but it feels like that because it's all so high drama and romance.

It's not real.

Original poster

chestnut100 · 09/11/2014 21:19

Self loathing I totally get what you are saying. But I did know him on a day to day basis. We worked very, very closely together and he more of less lived with me half the week. It is boggling looking back; I have no idea how he spent the sheer amount of time with me he did. I guess this is why I genuinely believed his marriage was over.

I guess I shocked at the strength of my feeling today

OP posts:

CastleOfDoug · 09/11/2014 21:43

Can I ask how/why it ended 8 years ago?

Fairenuff · 09/11/2014 21:58

You were that madly in love with each other but he only spent half the week with you? Surely if he loved you he would have wanted to be with you more than that? I think you've been taken for a fool. Sorry

Bluebelle38 · 09/11/2014 22:04

Is he definitely still married? I mean, if the marriage was that bad back then, you'd think if he was so unhappy he'd of got himself out of it by now.

If he is still there.... well, sounds like he is there for life.

I'm sorry for how you are feeling. I had an ex that was in and out of my life for a decade. I finally got him out of my system when I focused on the level of deception he went to and I knew no matter what fantasy world I had re him and I in my head, it was never ever going to materialise in that way.

It's amazing how we hurt ourselves by skimming over the bad and focusing on only the good.

I am with an incredibly lovely man now. I think the world of him and love him dearly. I trust him and know I'd have never let him into my life if I kept thinking of my ex.

I had to close one door and double-bolt and throw glass all around it and throw in a few land mines..... in order to open a new one. I hope you can do that, too.

Original poster

chestnut100 · 09/11/2014 22:05

Yea of course you can ask. It ended when he decided to leave home. He did, but his wife made it impossible for him to see his son and he couldn't bare it. So that was the end

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 09/11/2014 22:10

So he decided to return home and valiantly shag his poor wife and remain married? What a trooper!
You have been sucked in. Be a realist not a fool and stay away.

CastleOfDoug · 09/11/2014 22:15

Does his wife know all about you?

It's very sad, and there'll be lots of wronged wives on here telling you that you meant nothing to him. Obviously that's not true, but that's what they tell themselves about their own dh's other women.

Ultimately, no matter how much you love somebody, if being with them means that you become a peripheral part of your own children's lives, then you ain't going to do it. And this is why so many men stay in unhappy marriages (so long as their wives let them, obviously).

It's nothing but sad, for everybody in the equation.

Original poster

chestnut100 · 09/11/2014 22:21

Thank you castle, I think that's very true although not a popular train of thought. I understand the reasons why.

To be honest, I didnt post for a debate about the right or wrongs of the relationship. Objectively I know I was made a fool of, but emotionally, I know he did love me. I guess I was posting purely because I'm shocked by how I felt after all these years. I couldn't have predicted my response.

OP posts:

Original poster

chestnut100 · 09/11/2014 22:24

Bluebelle, I love your description of glass round the door and grenades. I think that's a useful approach for me. Thank you x

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 09/11/2014 22:59

if being with them means that you become a peripheral part of your own children's lives, then you ain't going to do it. And this is why so many men stay in unhappy marriages (so long as their wives let them, obviously)

This doesn't make any sense. You are saying that his children are of paramount importance to him. They are the sole reason that he stays with his wife.

But by cheating on his wife, he is risking being told to leave and this is a risk he is prepared to take. So being with his kids is not so important after all is it. Otherwise he wouldn't take that risk in the first place.

CastleOfDoug · 09/11/2014 23:15

This is the bare logic, yes.

But human beings rarely operate on bare logic. They operate on emotion. For men in this situation, if they think they've found a piece of happiness in a set up that looks pretty low risk in terms of getting caught, human nature says they're going to take it.

This is a works away from actively making the decision to leave your family. And it's the reason that so many of them suddenly regret taking that risk when they get caught.

I will never believe that somebody (male or female) who is involved in a secondary, but long-term, loving relationship was happy in the original relationship. And therefore, it stands to reason that there must be something else compelling them to stay in it. The children.

You very rarely see these sort of long term affair situations in relationships or marriages where there are no children involved, because then, you'd just go for whichever one makes you happiest, wouldn't you?

Fairenuff · 09/11/2014 23:26

That argument still doesn't stand up though Castle because if the children were so important, why would they risk it in the first place?

For men in this situation, if they think they've found a piece of happiness in a set up that looks pretty low risk in terms of getting caught, human nature says they're going to take it.

It's not a 'man' thing - that can be applied to all people who cheat.

Yes, he might have thought it was low risk but he also thought it was a risk worth taking. He took a gamble on his kids. They don't mean as much to him as he pretends. He stays with his wife because he wants to. It's as simple as that. That is the one that makes him happiest. Of course he is going to lie about it. He is lying to everyone. That's the nature of the cheat.

Squidstirfry · 09/11/2014 23:35

Are you likely to bump into him again?
You sound unhappy, and defeated "I will never love again, I am doomed".
I'm certain you are worth more than chasing after a MM, satisfying a fantasy.
I am also certain he thinks of you far far less than you think of him.
Have you considered therapy/councelling to address moving forward?
It is easier to escape and get lost in fantasy than it is to live the real life, which us why affairs are so appealing, and addictive. You seem to prefer to live in a half-real world.

CastleOfDoug · 09/11/2014 23:42

Yes, completely agree it is not a 'man' thing. Applies equally to both sexes. It is just more common for men to fear losing the children. That's all.

And yes, it is a risk. Where the stakes are high. But if the perceived level of risk is low, it's human nature to search out enjoyment.

Are you really suggesting that somebody who is prepared to take this level of risk in order to spend time with a person they love, was actually happiest with the wife they already had in the first place?!

Fairenuff · 09/11/2014 23:48

For him, it's not about his wife or the OW, it's all about him.

In his marriage he gets a home, a family, a stable life, an image and all the familiar comforts that go along with that.

In his secondary relationship he gets the thrill of the new partner (until he gets bored with them), a fantasy life, lack of responsibility, no financial commitment, no time commitment, a fake life.

He is probably happiest having both but is much more likely to stick with the stable married life. He can always get a new OW after all.

tipsytrifle · 09/11/2014 23:48

Purely regarding your surprise at the strength of feeling being the same as ever and why that might be. I think it's because the relationship and your love went into freezeframe mode. You never let go, never said goodbye in any meaningful way. Never moved on from him though your life has done so. You put the whole thing on ice so to speak. It's a time capsule. Seeing him blew the bloody doors off but at the point where you froze it, not at a point where you've worked on it to release.

Does any of that make sense to you?

CastleOfDoug · 09/11/2014 23:57

Ah, yes. On that I will agree. It is the whole package that they stand to lose, not 'just' the children. And all this is mostly why they stay with the wives. It's selfish of course, but who doesn't behave selfishly when it comes to making the big decisions in life?

I don't think though, that this means you can write the other woman off as not meaning much to them. I think it's a rare person who would risk that whole life package, on a long-term basis, for someone who didn't really mean anything to them anyway.

SandyJ2014 · 10/11/2014 00:15

Life and live are so so hard sometimes. Be kind to yourself

SandyJ2014 · 10/11/2014 00:15

Urg... Life and love x

Original poster

chestnut100 · 10/11/2014 07:09

Thank you all for your replies. Tipsy, your post makes absolute sense and has helped me rationalise my response yesterday. Frozen in time was how it felt; one day he was absolutely weaves into my everyday life and the next he was gone. There was no conclusion.

I am grateful for your words of kindness. I certainly am not without blame in causing myself this hurt.

OP posts:

Sickoffrozen · 10/11/2014 09:42

Not a lot you can do about the way you feel but there is a lot you can do about the way you act on it.

Did you go for counselling after the break up? If not then maybe that is something you need to explore. This man was effectively commuting fraud. Not one that is punishable by the law but fraud all the same and you were the victim of his crime (along with his wife and children) You thought he was available and he lied and almost led a double life. That is really poor behaviour but sadly you were sucked in as many women are when it comes to love.

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