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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My father

28 replies

superbaghag · 09/11/2014 08:18

I'm trying to make sense of why my father behaved the way he did. How he treated me and I'm wondering if there was a psychological/ mental health issue that wasn't diagnosed.

As a child he beat my mother, swore at us constantly, threatened me with a belt but never used it (there wasn't any need I was an extremely well behaved, yet terrified child). My mother left him and we went back so many times.

He was angry all the time. Short tempered and snappy. Never told me he loved me. He was aggressive in private but jovial with friends and family.

I'm sat here wondering was their an undiagnosed issue or was he just an abusive man.

OP posts:

AnotherFurry · 09/11/2014 08:34

Sounds like an abusive man to me OP.

I wouldn't spend any time trying to 'understand' him but am questioning why you are doing so now. Is something bothering you to start thinking of this now?

AnotherFurry · 09/11/2014 08:39

I probably didn't phrase that quite right. What I meant was is there something going on in your life that is making you question your relationship with your dad? Is your childhood impacting you and if so then I would concentrate on that, not actually trying to find a reason for his disgusting behaviour.

Original poster

superbaghag · 09/11/2014 08:48

I have been NC for 9 years. He is now suffering with a life limiting condition. I'm being pressured by wider family members to play a more active role and I suppose if I felt it wasn't his fault if be able to forgive him and help care for him.

My son has asd and ADHD and I'm already stretched thinly.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 09/11/2014 09:00

Whatever you do, you do because it is best for you, not for him.

AnotherFurry · 09/11/2014 09:00

I think you need to do what is right for you in terms of breaking the NC or not. Ignore the wider family as it sounds like they just want you to take some of the pressure of them.

I am NC with my father and he did do the 'I'm dying' guilt trip a few years ago which I knew was bullshit but even if it was true I could never forgive him on how he treated my mother and I have no intention of forgiving him even if he was on his death bed.

The question is do you want to forgive him and care for him knowing how he treated you during your childhood? Will it benefit you? If it is going to make you feel worse or have a negative affect on your life then politely tell the family you cannot help and then ignore.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/11/2014 09:03

They've got a bit of a cheek pressuring you It's none of their damn' business.

Personally I believe "being the bigger person" is an over-rated concept. Yes, I probably would throw a bucket of water over my worst enemy if they were on fire, because that is simply basic humanity, but beyond that - stuff 'em. Your father is not going to die alone in a ditch if you don't step in. So what it boils down to is what you feel is the right thing for you to do. Does he need your help (more than your child needs your full attention right now) or will the point of joining in be merely to reduce the burden on these other family members? How much consideration do you owe them?

Anniegetyourgun · 09/11/2014 09:04

Great minds thinking alike there!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2014 09:08

I would not spend time trying to work out the reasons why he acted as he did, just that he chose to do those things and be abusive to both his wife (BTW are they still together?) and by turn you.

My FIL now has a life limiting condition and whilst I feel very sorry that he is now in this state I cannot readily forgive him for all the misery he has caused others.

I would ignore the bleatings of your wider family i.e. the winged monkeys to make contact with your Dad now. They've done that for their own reasons and they have not considered you at all. Being NC with such family members for 9 years was never a decision that was made at all lightly; you did that for very good reason. You have to do what is best for you, not for him.

Back2Two · 09/11/2014 09:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster

superbaghag · 09/11/2014 09:22

This is where it's going to get weird and potential out me if anyone happened to be here that knows me.

My mother is no longer with him and remarried. Her and my sister are doing the majority of the caring. My mother (I have no contact with her either anymore because of her pressuring me to leave my family here to care for my father who is 5 hours away by car) is paid by my father disability benefits and she sees it as my duty to give her time off. My sister has no job or children and goes to stay for a week every month to help.

My father phoned here about a month ago and shouted at me for keeping his grandchildren from him before putting the phone down.

Bit of a mess really and I'm not sure why I'm having an attack of the guilts but I am. One day he will be gone forever and I don't want to have regrets.

OP posts:

Original poster

superbaghag · 09/11/2014 09:25

You are right back2two about him being in control in some situations and I realised that when I saw myself typing it.

Hard coming to terms with the feeling he just didn't like me or love me.

OP posts:

AnotherFurry · 09/11/2014 09:40

Your mother and sister are caring for him for their own reasons, probably a mixture of duty, misplaced guilt or even perhaps because he still has a hold on them emotionally and they have gone back into being his victim.

It is not your duty to give them time off. It is their choice to care for him and if they don't want or feel they can then they can ask adult social services to help out.

Do not be pressured by them. It sounds like you have made some conscious and good choices to remove yourself from a toxic and abusive person. If you feel yourself wavering get some stock answers such as 'I am needed at home, 'it is your choice to leave your family and provide full on care', 'adult social services can help sort out temporary care to give you a break'.

However, it might be the case that helping or seeing him helps you in the long term but only you know if that is the case. Is their any way you can access some counselling to explore your feelings on this in a place that isn't fraught with people trying to make you feel guilty e.g. family.

Whatever you do make sure it is in your best interests and not for anyone else.

Original poster

superbaghag · 09/11/2014 09:43

Thank you to all of you. I don't want to see him. I don't want to help take care of him and I don't want my children exposed to him. I just needed someone other then my husband (who is contractually obliged to agree with me) to say it's ok.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 09/11/2014 09:45

My father was very EA, with hindsight he was a classic Narc.
I went nc when I was pg as I wasn't going to let hm near any children I had.
When he was dying in hospital I didn't go and see him, despit.e pressure from my brother, partly because he used to pretend to be dying regularly to get his own way.
I didn't go to his funeral either and have no regrets at all.
He was an arsehole, just because he was dying or dead it didn't make him any less of an arsehole.
If you feel you want to see him then do but don't bow to pressure from others if you don't want to

GoodtoBetter · 09/11/2014 09:48

It's OK not to do those things or want to do them. Stand firm.

AnotherFurry · 09/11/2014 09:59

OP it is OK to not see him or care for him.

It sounds like your DH is supporting you so maybe you can both come up with a plan to avoid the phone calls. As goodtoBetter said stand firm

Back2Two · 09/11/2014 10:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Anniegetyourgun · 09/11/2014 10:14

So your mother, despite having remarried, has effectively gone back to him again. And wants you to do the same - only you aren't paid to do it. If she were employed by anyone else would she expect you to take over her job to give her a break? How weird would that be?

Meerka · 09/11/2014 10:26

You don't have to see him. You don't want to, you have very good reasons for not wanting to and that would be enough on its own.

But in addition your children's needs come far above your father's.

Your mother and your sister are choosing to help him for whatever reasons of their own. They certainly owe him nothing. They can ask you to help, but they also have to respect a no. "You've asked, I've told you that I can't and don't wish to, please respect that".

I think we feel guilt about our parents becuase at some deep level we still love them, no matter how awful they have been. I sort of wonder if it's inborn in us. But in the end, if they behave so badly that the natural cord of love is broken - that's a consequence of their behaviour and you are not obligated.

One thing. I guess you were joking about your husband being contractually obligated to agree with you :) Just to say, no, he's not. Listen to him! :)

Charley50 · 09/11/2014 10:37

Your dad sounds like my dad. There was no love and he saw us all as things for him to control. I remember as a small child my heart regularly breaking when he was abusive and angry, but by the time I was 16/17 there was nothing there. I felt nothing for him because he hadn't cared enough to know me iyswim.
Went semi- NC (saw him once a year on his birthday) as there just was no relationship there. When he died I felt nothing, cuz there was nothing, which to me is sadder than people with loving parents who grieve deeply.
Don't feel guilty about being NC. He created your non-relationship when you were child. Sorry if I went off topic, can't remember question..!

Original poster

superbaghag · 09/11/2014 10:40

I just want to thank you all for taking time out of your own lives to be so kind and supportive.

The contractual obligation stuff is just my odd sense of humour.

I'm about to roast lunch and do my usual Sunday thing and the sun is shining. Life is good.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 09/11/2014 10:41

I think you answered it, Charley

Meerka · 09/11/2014 10:42

Yeah thought it might humour :) sorry if I got too seerrrrioussss :)

good luck. Hold strong :)

AllThatGlistens · 09/11/2014 10:44

I think you've answered your own question

It's really, truly ok - look after yourself

dollius · 09/11/2014 10:50

You have absolutely NO duty whatsoever to care for him or, for that matter, to help your mother do so.

She had a duty to protect you, as a vulnerable child, from your abusive father and chose not to bother. So why on earth anyone should think you owe either of them anything is beyond me.

Even children of "good" parents don't owe them anything. Parenting is a one-way street, in my opinion.

I think involving yourself in his care will be bad for your emotional welfare, so do not do it. You have your own DC now, you need to protect them.

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