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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I have some objective opinions on this? History of and suspected possible current cheating.

68 replies

PollyNC · 08/11/2014 16:03

I'm going to try to be as objective as possible with this because I don't want to cloud this by saying who I am in the scenario, just want some detached opinions, hope that's okay. I am a regular but namechanged (penis beaker, gluezilla, pombears etc).

'Rick' and 'Karen' have been married for 12 years. They have two DD's, ages 9 and 7. They live in a small town in the midlands and work in connected roles (for the same big company but in different departments). They are both in their early to mid 40s.

Six years into the marriage, Rick nearly cheated on Karen. He 'crossed the line' with another colleague 'Laura' (in another department to both of them) but the contact between them was nipped in the bud before it became an affair. There was a kiss and some inappropriate messaging etc but Laura's DP found out about it and confronted Rick and it ended. Karen found out and for a while there was some doubt as to whether the marriage would survive, but it did.

There years after that, Karen suspected again that Rick was cheating, this time with another colleague, Melissa. Karen confronted Melissa and it turned out she was wrong, there was nothing going on. The suspicion was borne out of Melissa being out of the office at the same time as Rick and neither of them being contactable on their mobiles. Karen accepted she was wrong and maybe hadn't accepted Rick had changed from three years before but they moved on. Nothing changed between them and it was all just swept under the carpet.

In the years since then, Karen hasn't had any reason to suspect Rick of cheating and the marriage has been good. She has been what some people may describe as 'controlling' of Rick, in restricting who he sees socially/where he goes without her, but this has got less so to some degree over time.

Two weeks ago, Rick went AWOL for the day again. As far as Karen was aware, he was at work but none of his work colleagues knew where he was and hadn't heard from him. Rick later told Karen he was ill so stayed home for the day, but no one at work was aware of this. Karen suspected (and still suspects) that there is more to this but has no reason (other than history) to account for this so hasn't accused Rick directly.

Perhaps pertinent, is the fact that Rick is by nature quite flirty and so could be accused of being overly friendly when there's nothing going in. Also, Karen has very low self esteem and is deeply unhappy with her body, with her weight creeping up post DD's being born. Rick has never said anything to make Karen think he doesn't find her attractive, but this is a view she struggles with.

Do you think Karen is right to suspect Rick, or should he be given the benefit of the doubt? Since he hasn't cheated since the Louise incident six years ago should Karen accept this was a 'blip' and try to move past it, or continue looking for clues Rick will do it again (do leopards ever change their spots?)?

Any other comments or opinions welcome, and thank you for them in advance.

OP posts:
QueenQueenie · 08/11/2014 20:11

Hmmm. Rick. Sick or prick?

Clarabumps · 08/11/2014 20:13

Queen LOL Grin

mamaslatts · 08/11/2014 20:15

Rick - you started an affair but got found out before you got an actual shag and are now pissed off you've been paying for it for the last 6 years?

I think you are downplaying the Laura incident - 'inappropriate' texts and kissing is starting an affair. Karen can't get over it as not only did you only stop when found out - rather than through choice - but you then tried to gloss over it by down playing the whole incident and saying it had been 'nipped in the bud'. Not by you though! You would have been happy for that flower to bloom and Karen knows it.

sillymillyb · 08/11/2014 20:23

I suspect rick won't be back now we haven't given him the validation he was after.

Daria01 · 08/11/2014 20:28

I think the OP is the Laura/Louise person in this scenario, because they've written about people pitying 'Karen' for 'Rick's' behaviour.

Either way, Rick sounds awful and Karen should leave. And Rick should call in work next time he is ill - how unprofessional!

PollyNC · 08/11/2014 20:30

OP here. Had things to deal with so sorry that some of you felt that my temp absence was confirmation as to who I was....just FYI you are completely wrong.

Thank you to those of you who have been helpful and haven't tried to turn this into a joke. Which I can assure you, no matter who I am, this scenario is not.

OP posts:
QueenQueenie · 08/11/2014 20:32

Sure we are Rick....

QueenQueenie · 08/11/2014 20:34

OP if you really aren't 'Rick" and would like some support can I suggest sincerely and kindly that you start over with a new thread and a new op?

PollyNC · 08/11/2014 20:38

Queen - as mentioned, there have been a lot of helpful posts before people tried to turn it into a joke. So there really is no point in me starting a new thread just because of a few childish remarks.

Just FYI for the rest, I am happy to confirm I am not Rick. If you choose to believe me, great. If you don't, well there's not much I can do about it.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 08/11/2014 20:39

I think once you become hyperaware of your partners comings and goings, as Karen has, then you need to actively work at not being suspicious.

Most of us, if we cant reach our partner by mobile or at their desk, assume dp is temporarily unreachable, and carry on. Beyond checking with their admin if they have one, we do not contact others in the company department to check up on dp whereabouts. Unthinkable!

Yes, he created the situation. But if she really cannot bring herself to trust him, she needs to end it. After awhile, being distrusted gives you no reason to be trustworthy. Damned if you dont, you might as well do.

SelfLoathing · 08/11/2014 20:52

(do leopards ever change their spots?)?

No.

Rick is a dick. If he is trying to preserve a marriage (which by the sounds of it he is lucky to still have) he should still be prioritizing that by ultimate transparency. Which he isn't.

A man who is "overly flirty" is usually the benevolent description of a person who is viewed by others as a twat/ sexual harasser depending on which end of the telescope you are looking through.

Karen should probably have ended the relationship with Rick first time round. But if she chose to stay, it's not unreasonable for her to want full transparency. She shouldn't go around confronting people she works with. If Rick is an adulterer, she needs to accept or reject.

It's rare that there is smoke without fire and even if Laura was an unfinished job and Melissa was innocent, there are bound to be a couple of temps who slipped under the radar (or between the covers).

I agree that probably all these people are the butt of company jokes and gossip.

They should all find new jobs asap. That is if they can get any references that don't say "unfortunately was unable to separate personal life from work in a highly unprofessional way".

Daria01 · 08/11/2014 20:53

If you are Karen, then I think you need to sit down and have a frank and honest discussion with your husband. You are obviously feeling vulnerable because of your husband's affair. It sounds like you are not happy.

If you're a close friend of Rick/Karen then maybe you can offer one of them an ear to listen, presuming they want to discuss their marriage.

If you're somebody from work, which I suspect you are, then I think you should keep your beak out. From the way the post has been written, I suspect you are Melissa/Laura/the next one. Don't believe everything Rick tells you, that's incredibly naive. You seem to have picked out many of Karen's insecurities/actions (her weight, controlling behaviour etc.) and all of Rick's good points (he's managed to keep it in his pants for a few years and almost never calls his wife fat - well woo bloody hoo for Rick!).

Momagain1 · 08/11/2014 20:54

I don't think it is particularly odd he stayed home sick and didn't tell her of a decision taken after she left. It didn't affect her, after all. I am sure either of us has been home without mentioning it to the other, unless we wanted sympathy or for the other to stop and buy some particular illness curing food, or to deal with the kids.

I find it odd he didn't answer either mobile or home phone, though again, i think nothing of my spouse not answering his mobile, I wouldn't follow that up with questioning his colleagues, and I wouldn't think of calling home. As for me, everyone knows I can manage not to hear my mobile, or feel it vibrate, so my not answering as a matter of inattentive habit means I am well set up for future affairs.

Momagain1 · 08/11/2014 20:58

If you're somebody from work, which I suspect you are, then I think you should keep your beak out.

Despite Rick, and Karen's repeated efforts to involve as many work colleagues as they can.

If they do divorce, I hope they can finally, finally adopt the habit of keeping their personal business out of the office. But I suspect it will become a truly horrible mess, and one or both of them will lose their job, or set their prospects back.

Daria01 · 08/11/2014 21:01

Yes momagain, but surely a better way of dealing with Rick and Karen would be to speak to their bosses, rather than say starting a cryptic thread on MN.

LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse · 08/11/2014 21:47

I think you are writing a book and checking the plot with us.

OttiliaVonBCup · 08/11/2014 21:55

OP, no, once a cheat and a flirt, always a cheat and a flirt.

I hate those versions with fake names and stuff. Contrived and unnecessary. It's like a reverse AIBU, only even more fake.

BuzzardBird · 08/11/2014 22:30

I actually think you are Melissa but that is nothing to do with your thread so I will stand by all my previous comments. I think Rick is bad news for all the women involved.

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