The Cuppa Tea Saga, cont.

[diydiva]

I started another thread a few days ago in chat about the fact DH never makes me a cup of tea, whether he's making it for himself or just as a nice thing to do for me, so I asked whether other people's DHs do the same. The response was overwhelmingly that it's just plain rude not to ask, especially if you're making one for yourself and it's just a perfectly normal thing to do for your partner.

Fine. I get that DH needs training in this department and maybe I should have sorted this out years ago because we've been together a long time and for some reason it's only become a thing and a talking point (or rather arguing point) recently.

So, please tell me what's going on here, because I'm getting really upset, by such a, what should be, trivial thing.

The other day I had a rare night out and so in the morning, still in bed, I messaged him in the other room "Any chance of a cuppa?" (Yep, I know, lazy but didn't want to get up yet or call out). I'd heard his phone ding and knew he'd seen the message. After a couple of minutes he came in said something non-tea related and so I asked him if he'd seen my message. He was still in joke-mode so sort of smirked and said no - but it was obvious he had - but I told him I'd heard the ding and anyway after a few frustrating exchanges he said something like "I'm not aware of any requests" - so clearly let it slip he had seen it and had chosen to ignore it. I thought because he was joking he was just going to come back in a minute with a cuppa.

Now this is the thing though. Lately he seems to have two modes - a jokey, flippant, smirky one and an angry, pissed off one. Flippant can go to angry in seconds and this is what keeps happening lately and I'm just so tired of it.

So to finish the silly tea story, I just said oh for god's sake, can you please just make me a cup of tea? He went out, I heard him switch the kettle on, came back a few minutes later and just said "the kettle's boiled, I'm going out now" at which point I just got really upset and told him to cut it out, stop making such a big deal over a cup of tea and can't he just make it for me without all this fuss? I stupidly welled up a bit too. He stomped off, so clearly flippant had turned to anger by this point, and then eventually came back with a cup of tea, but put it down in front of me saying "I'm doing this now but don't think this is going to be a regular thing" and off he went.

WHY are we having arguments over cups of tea and what's going on his his behaviour??? Clearly it's not only a problem with sodding tea but I just don't get why he can't do something so simple for me without it making it seem like a big ask. I make him tea and coffee all the time. In fact I'm a SAHM at the moment so I do everything for him and all I really want in return is the gesture more than the tea.

Thank you if you got this far!

The first thing I noticed about my H was that I would always make him a drink without needing to ask but he never reciprocated. I also took on all the housework, childcare and decorating. I did have a few part time jobs in the early part of our marriage but under 16 hours a week so still did all the work and was a SAHM for 8 years. I think this clear division of roles which I participated in and didn't mind reinforced my Hs very old fashioned view of male/female roles.

The cracks appeared when I worked more outside the home and was still expected to do all the housework. It reached beyond stupid point when I was working full time and he was not working at all but I was doing the housework at the weekend!

His abusive, threatening, controlling behaviour became more and more apparent. The end came when he knocked a cup of hot tea out of my hand all over the kitchen and me, because I left the door of the dishwasher open and inconvenienced him. I am waiting for the decree nisi to come through.

Our marriage started and ended on 'teagate'

I would find it devastating if my partner never offered me a cup of tea. I think it'd take quite some time to even notice, tbh - I don't remember whether ex boyfriends used to do it or not - but once you live with someone it'll eventually be hard to ignore. My DH and I put a lot of importance on these small gestures - whoever's getting up from the telly always says "D'you want anything whilst I'm up?" "Oooh, are you putting the kettle on?" It feels nice every time, and we've been together years and years. It helps develop a lot of ongoing mutual goodwill.

I also think the main issue is the way he reacted. Which was BADLY. He first ignored it. Then when he couldn't ignore it, he got snotty. Then when he couldn't get out of it by being mean, he made one but warned you that essentially you could go an whistle before he ever did it again. His resentment was palpable.

Over a cup of TEA.

Tbh, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect you both might need a bit of marriage counselling. Cos you're both resentful of each other. He plainly thought you were pulling the piss - why? Its not just about you being hungover as he's successfully avoided making tea all these years too.

It has to be asked - do you think he likes you?

The tea is just a symbol of his lack of care in your eyes.

"I'm doing this now but don't think this is going to be a regular thing"

Yes there is more than this to tea... this ^ says a lot..

Stop doing his washing.

Your job is the children. Everything else is shared responsibility.

Op this is a bigger issue than a cup of tea, it reflects selfishness, uncaring and a horrible attitude to being together.

If I do something for myself I automatically do it for DH and he is the same. It's not an agreement we made, it just comes naturally.
I just cannot even understand people who are so selfish to each other but are in a relationship. I'm shocked that he made it after all that and let you know it's the last time he's doing it.

Does he support you in other areas of your life. At home, work issues, personal/family situations?

I think there's much more to this than the 'tea'. It's become such a huge thing to you and a sticking point for him. He sounds very resentful and angry with you. Do you have children at home?

I would stop asking him for anything and have a conversation with him about where your marriage is going. You certainly don't have a light-hearted relationship, it sounds like a relationship under stress.

Perhaps all you've posted is an abstract and it's the 'low-lights' but if it isn't, I think I would ready to start researching my options for a single life.

I saw your other thread OP. I think you need to explain to him that it is not just about the tea, and that just small gestures like that mean a lot to you. If he is a decent bloke who is just being thoughtless he should understand that and try to work with you. However if he responds by shutting you down with this flippant/angry response then I think you have bigger issues to address.

Your previous thread mentioned his parents' marriage and it sounds as if something from that era is bubbling under. In a war of attrition the participants start to analyse every action and sniff out supposed slights or manipulation. This is more than a question of tea making. In addition, if he's been different of late - more smirking, shorter fuse - is it normal for happy secure people to flip from flippancy to anger so speedily.

Oh for Gods sake, the OP can call the thread whatever she likes, get over yourself!

OP, you do not sounds like a princess at all, and there are definitely bigger issues her than him making you a cup of tea. Does he ever do anything nice for you?

So many replies, thank you so much for all your messages.

Pivot: what nice things does he do for me? I'll be honest and have had to have a good think about that. He's good at suggesting stuff to do as a family at weekends, but less so in the way of sweeping, romantic gestures directed at only me, which is what I think I'm craving deep down. Nothing that particularly makes a point of saying 'you are special to me'. I think though he just has another way of showing it. He's always been good at things like birthdays and Christmases, come to think of it. But the horrible sceptic in me makes me think but does he buy nice gifts because they are usually opened in front of other people/be spoken of to other people and knows it will reflect well on him? God how horrible does that sound! I am appreciative of those things, truly, don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bitch. But if that was balanced with the little things like making a cup of tea, or asking me if I need something if he pops out, in the privacy of our home, with no audience, with no prompting or expectation, then why would I be thinking that?

Sorry I can't scroll through messages on the tablet so will have to post again.

You don't sound ungrateful at all. And I think you've rumbled him with regard to buying gifts that will be opened in front of others ( and make him look good), vs actually caring enough to ask if you'd like a simple cup of tea.

Grr just lost my post!
What I wanted to say...Stupidhead, the other bugbears are all related to general lack of thoughtfulness I suppose.
I can definitely link a lot of his behaviour to his parents, no question. They are not divorced but may as well be. His dad certainly never does anything for his mum out of love or kindness. She's always moaned to me about him being cold and unloving and I've always thought...well, why stay with him then? As DH gets older though I do see frightening similarities between him and his father. If you grow up in a house where your father never ever displays any affection towards your mother it's got to affect your relationship with women.
He is not a carbon copy of his dad though, and even though his mum is a strong intelligent woman in her own right, she's never really stood up to her husband and never challenged him on certain things, in her words, for an easier life. I think this is wrong though - and this is one of the reasons I can see our relationship heading in a similar direction if I don't speak up now and point things out to him. I'd never be the type to just roll over and take it anyway. He is capable of being a great partner, and is on the whole, it's just sometimes I see glimpses of his dad and it's difficult to change.
Also we are getting on now so not taking as dim a view of things ??. But I know teagate may strike again...

Do you want to be like his mother in 20 years time? If you want your marriage to work you will have to tackle the problems now rather than later. Counselling?

My "D"H is like this, but we've been together 26 + years and he's been an arsehole most of that time. As Stupid mentions above, I did become his mother.

This is exactly the sort of thing that would freak H out if I asked him for a cup of tea, I suppose if I wanted to demonstrate what an entitled wanker he is I'd get you all in the next room so as you could hear, then ask for the tea and wait for all hell to break loose. You see he is entitled to have things done for him, but if he does things "for me" (he considers any work around the house is done as a favour to me) it shows how lazy I am and how very much he has to suffer.

If you still have some love and affection there then yes look at getting some advice and talking therapy.

He considers making tea for another person to be a servile undignified act. You should do it but not him. Says a lot about how he sees you.

Update!

Somehow since our teaff (sorry, terrible attempt at a pun) something has happened. He has offered me tea today, although he was making coffee for himself and wasn't using the kettle to do so in the first place. He was in a really good mood while doing so and it did seem like he was genuinely making up for his arseholeish behaviour the other day. I can't tell you how much better I feel about him right now.

I know he hates to be asked to do stuff and usually needs to let some time pass before he does it without it being as a direct result of me asking, if you see what I'm saying, so this is quite a quick turnaround . I should have known this formula might also work for tea, but it seemed like such a minor thing, I don't know why I never thought about it before. Anyway just because he did it today, it remains to be seen if he does it more often - his hurtful words "don't think this will become a regular thing" are still hanging in the air.

A stupid thing may have triggered it, as well me slipping in a few words similar to Yama's and how it's just what couples do for each other (in a general way). When I came back from the supermarket with the shopping earlier, he went hunting around for something and couldn't find it and I could see he'd thought I'd forgotten as it's a relatively new fad of his. He almost went to accuse me of not-caring-enough to forget, when I whipped it out of my bag in front of him, so he quickly realised maybe, ah, she didn't forget, she does care! This all seems so ridiculous written down but it does make so much sense.

So I think it's a combination of that, which maybe put him in a good mood, me vocalising how upset it made me feel the other day and finally the Yama words...

So thank you Yama and MN therapists, one cup of tea is a bloody good start.

Well done OP

Good! I hope he manages to generalise the kindness, thoughtfulness and consideration involved in simply making a cuppa for you, into general kindness etc of other little things too.

He's been all about big gestures - showing off, really - which carry biiiig appreciation, but none of the little things which aren't really noticeable except by their absence. I hope he's actually learnt something from this.

Your husband sounds like a complete twat

I simply could not be bothered to micro manage, pussy foot around and generally walk on eggshells around the pissy and immature behaviour of a man child like that

The early OTT flowers and romance stage that you a bad feeling about was a red flag. You chose to ignore it.

Now you are at the stage of altering your own behaviour to manage and pacify his

These are bad signs for your future happiness and security, sorry. You have been warned.

Maybe your DH is one of those people who hates feeling 'controlled' and being told to do something makes him dig his heels in and not do it! But if he decides to do it that's ok!

My MIL said she had to word everything in such a way that her DH thought it was his idea all along, and that was the only way she got what she wanted! She seemed to think this was a good way of keeping her DHs self esteem boosted and getting her own way on most things! To me it seemed like bloody hard work but it had a sort of logic.

I never got into the habit of this though! Makes much more sense to be nice and do things for DH and gently nudge him into doing the same for me. Usually though he does it without nudging because he sees the nice things I do for him and appreciates it. That's the best and most honest way.

That's what you do with a truculent 3yo, not a grown man

Who could have any respect for a partner you had to chivvy along and treat like a child just to get a modicum of decent behaviour out of them

It would be easier to be alone, surely

OP, you are his equal partner, not his mother

Surely it's quite obvious that this is not about tea FFS. It is about the OP having an entitled lazy-arsed, nasty husband.

Now you have to go through a whole reverse-phsycology palaver to get him to make you a cup of tea? That sounds like the thin end of a very thick wedge OP

Just as a benchmark of what I think is reasonable, I regularly text my DP from bed if he's up before me to say "Did I just hear the kettle?" and tea appears. I do the same for him of course. He had a lie in on Saturday so I went and made tea and toast and took it to him bed. He does things like that all the time. Not because we are especially wonderful people. It's just what you do isn't it?

And I would never ever ever make a drink for myself and not ask everyone else in the house if they want one - friends, workmen, colleagues, DP, kids, family - anyone really. It's just fucking rude not to. Expecting to get a cup of tea does not make you a precious princess as some people have suggested. It is one of the very very basic acts of politeness that you would extend to a stranger.

Your DH sounds like an arse.

I know what you mean OP although in our house the lack of tea making by DH also extends to meals/snacks in general.

Ironically my FIL has made a pot of tea for my MIL every morning of their married life . Where did it go wrong?