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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH can't believe i asked him to move out - after emotional affair

42 replies

crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:11

I have posted twice on here and this is the 'progress' I have made...
I am seeing a solicitor on Monday regarding divorcing my husband on grounds of emotional affair but thought I would offer one last olive branch today and suggested he move out for 6 months............don't really know why I asked but felt kinda vulnerable I suppose.
anyway, he said he can't believe I asked that and why I think I will get the house and children and that he's going to close our joint account and that I need to ask for money when I need it.
bloody cheek!!!
I am sooooooo angry that he says these things and really have to keep reminding myself that he's been soo horrible to me and that why the hell shouldn't I stay in our home with our kids if I haven't done anything wrong!
he keeps hinting that because we disagree on parenting and I let them do more (16 and 17 years old) like go out and drink etc that I will lose the children.,,,,,,,,,,,at least they're being honest with me. he was really wild when he was young but won't let them be normal teenagers and they tell me what they get up to but they wouldn't dare tell him. maybe he's just jelous that they feel they can talk to me???
It's not that I am pleased my 16 y old goes out sometimes drinking, but he'd do it anyway and lie so why he thinks he can threaten me into thinking that's grounds to lose them.,.,,,,,!!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/11/2014 19:15

You won't lose them they are not young and helpless for starters so don't even dwell on that.

Sounds like you're in for a bumpy road though.. start to protect yourself now and find out your rights.

Joysmum · 07/11/2014 19:19

Ah, the usual joint account threats Angry

This sounds like he's going to do all he can to hurt you so get as much support and info about your legal rights as you can with a SHL.

Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:20

I never thought this would be my life having to do this and everyone else I have ever known has either had a husband who apologises his way back or else that leave...........I have one who says sorry but blames me!
I am trying to protect myself as I am realising this isn't the man I married and that I need to get all information straight before I file.
thanks gamer x

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:21

he can't believe I am going to see a solicitor on Monday for 50.00. what does he expect!!

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 07/11/2014 19:22

You have your own account? Or is it just joint account?

smillassenseofsnow · 07/11/2014 19:22

It sounds like you need to clear 3/4 or whatever you like of the joint account now so that you'll actually have access to money for you and the children. Don't wait for him to take all the money out himself so you can't get it.

Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:22

I only have joint ones and all our bills and mortgage are in it

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Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:26

I really feel uneasy about doing that though, it's such a shock to think that I have to behave like that really.

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smillassenseofsnow · 07/11/2014 19:31

He's planning on taking control of your joint account, your joint money, and only giving you some if and when he decides it's for an acceptable reason. That is not acceptable behaviour.

And you certainly wouldn't be doing anything devious by reacting to that threat and making sure you have access to your own share of that money.

Flowers
Wishtoremainunknown · 07/11/2014 19:35

I doubt he can close the joint account if your name is on it.

And I don't think you can lose custody of a 16 and 17 year old !

Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:36

well yes, when you put it like that it's very clear, isn't it? I spoke to the bank today, I live in a village and know them on first name terms so they're aware of the situation now............as so many people seem to be.
so I will speak to solicitor then see what I should do. I can get my own money if I need to from family credit to top up my earnings but as he's still paying mortgage it is a tricky one legally isn't it?

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Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:39

hi wish he can freeze it apparently which means all bills don't get paid......and tbh even if it came to the children being asked, 90 per cent sure they would want to stay with me unfortunately for him...........that's part of the problem for him really, he said he feels shut out. well if he was easier to talk to and played a more active role and didn't keep going out with friends he would wouldn't he!!

OP posts:
davejudgement · 07/11/2014 19:43

It will be in his best interests to keep paying the mortgage, financially speaking, so I wouldn't worry about that; unless he is completely stupid of course

Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:45

ahh, good point....but he obviously is stupid too!!

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davejudgement · 07/11/2014 19:46

If you have been SAHM, you will likely get a larger percentage of family pot anyway

hamptoncourt · 07/11/2014 19:47

Does he realise that if bills aren't paid it will affect his credit rating just as badly as yours?

Take some money out just in case.

Get legal advice - issue a petition. He will continue to bully you until he sees it really isn't working. Good luck Thanks

davejudgement · 07/11/2014 19:47

If there is plenty of equity, he wouldn't want to jeopardize that by defaulting on the house

SundaeGirl · 07/11/2014 19:49

OK, deep breath. I think you'll be alright with the joint account - as someone has said, it's in his interest to keep paying his debt on his mortgage, regardless of who is in the property.

Don't let this stuff get in the way of sorting out your relationship and what you want.

(I might have completely the wrong end of the stick but I think you don't sound 100% convinced you want him to move out. Like there's a bit that could be persuaded. Concentrate on what you want, not fear of the financial things that may or may not happen. I'm not saying that's not important, just that you need to get settled emotionally.)

Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:59

yes thanks Hampton good point I will try to explain that to him.
dave what is SAHM??

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Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:01

hi sundae you kinda of right actually but as he has now said very sternly that he is definitely divorcing as much as me I don't think that there's a glint of hope left....he just never really seemed sorry. apart from when we were at the councellors' then he said lovely stuff but never followed it up.
but you're intuition is correct I'm afraid.............

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Wishtoremainunknown · 07/11/2014 20:17

SAHM is a stay at home mum ! ??

Joysmum · 07/11/2014 20:19

Makes me glad I have my own account and autonomy over my own money. The joint account isnt something I've ever wanted and have knocked DH back when he's suggested it a few times over the years.

Glad you're getting legal help Smile

A SAHM is a stay at home mum.

Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:21

I just worked that out as you both posted - I have worked but only ever part time as have long term depression/anxiety issues that have meant too much work adds to problem............really annoying and I really don't wallow in it. but dh said he's found it too much to bear after all these years, even though I have nursed him thru operations and illnesses!

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hamptoncourt · 07/11/2014 20:22

Assuming both DCare his, you will get minimum 20% of his take home pay each month until they are at least 18 (possibly until they fully complete education) You can probably stay in the house until then using a mesher order, so his name stays on mortgage but he has to move out and you and DC stay there until youngest is 18.

He may be all talk now but once reality bites he may be far more conciliatory. Don't forget you are also entitled to a fair chunk of his pension if he has one, and a split of all marital assets.

Get proper legal advice but don't be pushed around because you think you won't manage financially - I ended up better off.

Original poster
crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:24

thanks Hampton yes both children his and gosh, never heard of mesher order...will ask solicitor on Monday. he has final salary pension and was gutted when I told him I was entitled to some. thank you x

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