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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH can't believe i asked him to move out - after emotional affair

42 replies

crochetfever · 07/11/2014 19:11

I have posted twice on here and this is the 'progress' I have made...
I am seeing a solicitor on Monday regarding divorcing my husband on grounds of emotional affair but thought I would offer one last olive branch today and suggested he move out for 6 months............don't really know why I asked but felt kinda vulnerable I suppose.
anyway, he said he can't believe I asked that and why I think I will get the house and children and that he's going to close our joint account and that I need to ask for money when I need it.
bloody cheek!!!
I am sooooooo angry that he says these things and really have to keep reminding myself that he's been soo horrible to me and that why the hell shouldn't I stay in our home with our kids if I haven't done anything wrong!
he keeps hinting that because we disagree on parenting and I let them do more (16 and 17 years old) like go out and drink etc that I will lose the children.,,,,,,,,,,,at least they're being honest with me. he was really wild when he was young but won't let them be normal teenagers and they tell me what they get up to but they wouldn't dare tell him. maybe he's just jelous that they feel they can talk to me???
It's not that I am pleased my 16 y old goes out sometimes drinking, but he'd do it anyway and lie so why he thinks he can threaten me into thinking that's grounds to lose them.,.,,,,,!!

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 07/11/2014 20:25

He can freeze the joint a/c which would deny you access to anything in it. I suspect this is what he will do, in truth. I'm not sure about the full implications, you could google it no doubt, but knowing the bank folk locally doesn't change the rules on what they can allow. If he is paid monthly can you get a month of food money out sharpish?

Original poster

crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:26

no I can't as I pay money in throughout month as I am self employed and paid weekly.,...

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 07/11/2014 20:28

At 16 and 17 I'd have thought it was totally up to the kids where they live and maybe practicalities. Am a bit out of my depth here, so don't mind me much. An awful time for you though ...

Original poster

crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:30

hiya - it is up to them apparently which I can't imagine having to even ask them....awfulness

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 07/11/2014 20:30

You most definitely need an a/c of your own asap! Don't pay any more into that a/c at all. Aside from anything else he could empty it in a heartbeat so that you had to ask for every penny, which he would delay and/or refuse ...

Original poster

crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:33

I will have to think about it and will speak to solicitor for advice on it on Monday.............I feel like it's taken a turn for the worse in the way he's behaving towards me just because I said could he move out and see kids when he wanted and for us to have some distance between us, I thought that was really decent to offer as a last ditch idea but he was so pissed off with me for saying it. it's like he's a different person

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 07/11/2014 20:34

Slow down, OP, and just hang in there. Sometimes on MN there's a thread about someone who wants to patch things up and it's obvious it isn't going to happen. That doesn't sound like it here. (Although, obviously, I might be off the mark).

I think you both want the marriage to work and are saying these strong financial things to try to bring all this to a head. Are you still seeing the counsellor?

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 07/11/2014 20:36

I have just skimmed through your thread but IME, my ex froze our joint account, however, direct debits and standing orders were still paid. He just made it that it needed two signatures on a cheque to withdraw any money.

I ended up almost £14k in debt and almost suicidal :(

Get some advice from CAB also. And be very wary and try to protect your finances as much as you can. Looking back, I so wish I had withdrawn more money. My money! I worked as many hours as he did. I never believed he could be so cruel. But there you go! You live and learn :(

Original poster

crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:36

I have just started seeing my own counsellor through my doctor which I waited for since april when all this started............although it's taken ages it is now perfectly timed. he's seeing the counsellor we did some marriage counselling with and keeps saying that even she doesn't agree with my idea of having a break and I'm so arrogant to ask

OP posts:

Original poster

crochetfever · 07/11/2014 20:37

gosh sorry to hear your experience where I have tried to contact cab but can't find any local numbers. any ideas?x

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 07/11/2014 20:45

I don't believe a counsellor would say such a thing! No way! That's all him. Arrogant? That's him to a tee (and that's just from what you've said thus far!) and he knows it but has projected it towards you. Don't accept that label for yourself. The tone of your posts is nothing like arrogant.

If you need some space to think and be without him I believe you're brave and correct to ask. That you requested six months also kinda says a lot about where this relationship is too. And he knows it.

JaceyBee · 07/11/2014 20:50

It's very unlikely a counsellor would have said you were arrogant to ask for a break, and if they did it would be because he has been telling all kinds of porkies and embellishments. Anyway, who cares what his counsellor thinks, you know you're perfectly entitled to do this and that's what counts.

tipsytrifle · 07/11/2014 20:58

Please keep your appt with Solicitor on Monday morning, crochetfever - even if he agrees to leave. I don't think there's much chance of that tbh. He's fired shots across your bows already; take them seriously and as Where said - protect yourself as much as possible.

Original poster

crochetfever · 08/11/2014 08:14

thanks tipsy and jacey I did ask for a few days break to start with and even that he said no to several times until he admitted it's because he didn't trust himself to not contact her.................then I found out he's been contacting her anyway and tried to justify it saying he thought we'd split up! it's like 'Friends'!!

I felt it was a very reasonable request to ask for the 6 month break as a last ditch chance for us to have space before we divorce but he was absolutely disgusted at such a thing. really weird coz I know in my heart it's a good thing to ask to see if there's any hope but he's blind to everything I do and say.
I am definitely seeing solicitor on Monday and shall hopefully feel more clear-headed then.
thank you for support xxx

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 09/11/2014 00:02

he admitted it's because he didn't trust himself

ha! I don't trust him either, do you crochetfever? So actually we almost have some agreement on that point. Except that he's a liar. He's tied his cheating up like a knot of cold sticky spaghetti. None of what he said even makes sense so don't waste any time on it.

See what your solicitor says on Monday. Will you be ok in the meantime?

Original poster

crochetfever · 09/11/2014 13:38

hi tipsy
I am feeling very vulnerable to feelings of missing him actually and feel really low and confused today. when you feel alone all you want is a hug from the man you loved but even though you know it's different he's still here physically and I miss him................
I am filling in a job app and I had to ask him to help with techy bit and he was really helpful and it's sooo hard to remain aloof at these vulnerable moments.
I have also found out this week that he's now on antidepressants.
that has made me feel like a bitch to think that he was feeling crap but then I have to remind myself that I have had depression nearly all my adult life and just coz your depressed doesn't give you an excuse to treat your spouse like crap for months and lie to them, does it??
very complex very tiring very difficult....................thanks for your supportxx

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 09/11/2014 23:13

I think, dear sad crochetfever that you are both at odds with each other right now. Breathing space would be beneficial to both of you. Just my opinion, impression ...

Everything's a bit of a jumble right now. Missing him, remembering how you both used to work as a team but now everything is grating against each of you and it's all "arrgghh". In fact competitive "arrgghhness" is an easier trap to fall into than you might think. It isn't good for anyone.

There's a sort of mist around what you desire. Understandable. But at some point you have asked him to leave for six months and he hasn't. I think 6 months is a long time to agree to but I do think he might leave for a negotiated time that is less than half a year.

Two people with depression is a tall order, for sure. Have you seen his ADs?

I'm kinda thinking that maybe the kids need some peace and calm for a bit?

Does H have somewhere to go should he agree to leave? I'm assuming that he hasn't actually left ...

I don't know, crochet ... I'm just me thinking how hard this is on all of you and a good night's sleep wouldn't go amiss, no matter how it's achieved.

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