My mum's phone calls

[CaptainPeacockinthestudy]

I'm feeling ratty. My elderly mum phone almost on a whim but I work from home. She calls me during the day- often I let the answerphone take it but it's still playing on my mind that I have to call her back- especially when she says 'please phone me when you can...'
She is married to my dad, has loads of friends (Dad complains to me about the deluge of phone calls made and coming in to the house all day long from Mum and her her friends.)

I work from home. Today I'm up against a deadline- writing for a national paper- and she's called and left a message. This is the 3rd time this week when she's called in the morning, and each time it was nothing that could not have waited until later in the day.

How can I tell her nicely not to ring me until after around 4pm without hurting her feelings? I've told her that I leave the phone on answerphone when I'm working, but she still rings and then I still feel under pressure to call her back, never knowing what she wants. Aaaaaaargh!

I would say to her that it would be better if she phoned after 4pm so that you can have a nice long chat with her, rather than during the day when you can only talk for 2 minutes because of work pressures.

You could also tell her that you need to keep the phone line free for work calls. By the sounds of the work you do, you not answering the phone could mean losing out on a job?

You have my sympathies - I have a friend who does this. Just because we're working at home doesn't mean that we're free to chat!

Why does it prey on your mind so much, when the logical part of you knows that what she wants is really just for you to call her back for a chat - if it were urgent she'd leave a message with details of why.

Can you not text her each time and say, 'Busy with a deadline now- can you call me after 4pm or I will ring you when I am free? Thanks.'

If she says "please phone me when you can" - then phone her after 4 - because that's when you can. If she says anything, then you say that you were working and you don't take personal calls during your working hours because you have to remain disciplined.

If you stop calling her back until after your working day has ended, she will learn that there is little point ringing earlier.

As to how you tell her, what about saying that you appreciate her support in helping you to remain focussed and structured in your work. That you find it difficult sometimes working from home because it is easy to be distracted and that you need to earn money so can't afford distractions. That you would be so grateful if she could help you by not calling during the day because it makes you think that there is an emergency, given that she knows you are working and wouldn't disturb you for no good reason.

Better worded, obviously.

Linerunner- my mum is 87- she, unlike the Queen, does not text! She can barely get her head round her mobile which is used about once a year!

She calls landline to landline.

It preys on my mind because sometimes she tells me what she wants in the message - but at other times she is more coy and says she just needs to talk to me. I am left feeling it could be important (otherwise why call during my working day) but the fact is she doesn't take on board that I am working; she seems to think I am a full time 'housewife' who somehow manages to churn out pieces for national papers in my spare time.

You could text her landline and the Bot Voice will read it out to her

if she's calling your landline, unplug your phone so it doesn't ring in the house.
if she's calling your mobile, switch it off when you're working, get another one for the rest of your life (work/friends) and don't tell her the new phone number.

I have three mobiles to separate out bits of my life.

makes absolute sense to me, linerunner.

Most people think it looks like a huge hassle but it isn't at all when you get used to it.

But how do you find them all in the bottom of your bag LineRunner, particularly if they all ring at once

My bag has a side zip pocket that fits three mobiles. They are on silent / vibrate most of the time when I am working, and I just check them regularly.

One is for the DCs and DP.
One is purely for work.
One is for my dear old dad and other close family.

Maybe I'm nuts but it seems to work for me.

My mobile is 90% for work although close friends and family have it. She'd only call me on that if it was a complete emergency and I was uncontactable at home- we live 300 miles apart.

Her generation just doesn't really 'do' IT and mobiles.

I know that in some ways the problem is mine- I need to park the message in the corner of my brain but at the same time I worry because she tends to underplay things and if anyone was ill, she'd be casual about it so as not to worry me, but she'd make the call nevertheless.

I've told her not long ago that I don't answer the phone when I am working-this was my response when she asked where I'd been when she called me, because she assumed I was shopping FGS!

It's just her messages are yet another thing on my 'to do' list when all she needs to do is curb her impulse for using the phone the minute something comes into her head. In some ways I think she has a real problem- she makes loads of calls all day as if she needs to be constantly talking to people.

My dad who is in his 80s also spends huge amounts of time on the phone each day. He loves to talk, and his eyes aren't so good any more so it is something that remains enjoyable for him.

He is however a mobile user and his lovely companion friend can manage emails, so if I can't call every day I can at least send a text or quick email.

Could you compromise on a quick call every day or every other day?

Btw I know what you mean about some people having a fleeting thought and immediately needing to get on the phone. My DP's daughter does this - she is only 24!

Hmmm- some good suggestions but she's called me 3 mornings this week already! I might suggest she tells me more in the messages then I can filter whether they are urgent or not. I have no idea whether there has been a terrible diagnosis from the dr for example or she wants my recipe for shortbread IYSWIM!

I think calling her back, even some time later, is rewarding her for phoning. Not as rewarding as answering immediately, but still rewarding. What would happen if you didn't call her back at all, if she calls during the day? I mean, don't call her back AT ALL, not just wait until you've finished working. If she calls in the evening, answer it if you can, or call her back if you missed the call. But if she calls during the day, just ignore it completely.

Try not to let it prey on your mind. How many times has it actually been something serious and urgent? And how many times, by the time you've called her back hours later, has she been unable to remember why she called? If it were something really important/urgent, she would say that in her message. But if it's "please call me back asap" then ignore, ignore, ignore.

Reward the behaviour you want to see, ignore the bad behaviour. She's completely ignoring your reasonable requests not to call during working hours so you have to stop being so reasonable.

Switch the phone OFF while you are working.
If you worked in an office she wouldnt be able to call you

Put a reminder on your mobile to call her at 4.30pm and then train yourself gradually to stop dwelling on it.

The thing is, even if there has been a terrible diagnosis from the doctor there's nothing you can do about it, except talk, and you can't talk properly till the evening anyway when you have stopped working for a living for the day (been there, done that).

This is the reality of having parents in their 80s, whilst you are a working woman. Living far away from them. With other dependants probably to think of, too.

I struggle myself with it all, tbh.

I definitely agree to the training yourself to stop dwelling on it. It's guilt.

I try to counter this with having regular contact either in the evenings, or at weekends, or as I said through text /email. Sometimes I send my dad a snail mail like in the good old days.

But stop dwelling.

It is hard. My DF (who is a similar age - 82) lives with us and has no concept of when is a good time to talk and when isn't. I have to work again in the evenings after putting the DDs to bed, and very occasionally work from home. He will want to start a long pointless conversation about something just as I'm trying to get started (last night, a book about very glamorous homes in Newport, USA that he bought on a trip there about 20 years ago).

Is it worth taking time, proper time, to talk to her about your work and when you can talk/can't talk? And how the answer phone messages trouble you?

And the guilt part is something you feel and so is more in your control. Would it be worth explaining to her that if she needs to speak urgently she should say so in her message? And you need to be more ruthless with yourself. Can you turn down the answerphone volume so you don't hear the message being recorded?

Ultimately I think you need massive reserves of patience to deal with a person in their 80s! The world has changed so much and there is lots they just don't get - whether it's work or how to do things these days (I have to do almost all online stuff for my DF). It can be so frustrating but it's really not their fault. Though I do often say that through gritted teeth!

Oh, now I do feel bad! I'm working from home today and DF has just brought me a cheese and tomato sandwich "because I knew you hadn't been in the kitchen yet and we can't have you wasting away".
Less of the gritted teeth for me, and more trying to make a space for everyone

Thanks everyone.

One thing that is hard is that her landline number shows as 'withheld'. They have tried to change this through the provider but had no luck. so- I don't know who has called which means I go into my landline and dial 1571 ( automated answerphone) when I can hear the tone showing a message has been left.

I feel I have little option though if it were bad news, she'd ring again or probably not leave a message anyway.

I think I have to be really frank with her again about not calling me during the day unless it is really important. I am not willing to disconnect the landline because with long distance family and DCs I don't want to be unreachable if there was an emergency.

Reward the behaviour you want to see, ignore the bad behaviour. She's completely ignoring your reasonable requests not to call during working hours so you have to stop being so reasonable.

I agree she shouldn't phone during the day, but I think she will continue no matter what the OP does, so the OP will have to train herself to ignore it until it is convenient to ring back.

But I think the above is downright horrible. She's 87! She's not a toddler, although there may be issues where she really isn't thinking - she has a thought, she has to share. I hope to god my children never treat me in the way suggested above.

Agree with NannyOgg.
This elderly lady is not a toddler to be trained-she is an older person and deserves some respect.
Soon she may start to lose track of what time it is and what other people's routine might be.
I agree with just ignoring the calls and phoning back when convenient. "Hi Mum, Sorry I was busy working this morning-you okay?" She may get the message if you are consistent.

Would being pro-active about calling just after you finish work help to reduce the interruptions do you think?
My own Mum is even older and I have noticed that she has stopped learning from other people's responses eg that they were a bit offhand when she called late at night. I know its irritating but I do try to have some compassion for her increasing limitations.

I feel your pain. My DM phones me constantly, about nothing. I was in the dentist chair and my mobile rang and rang. Later on she's on the landline upset that she "couldn't get hold of me", and she was "so worried". I'm in my 50s and left home over 30 years ago. She'd rung work and rung my mobile. I was at the dentist for hours but I did update FB so had she checked she'd have known where I was.

Colleagues at work are getting pd off that she rings every time I have a day off. She gets really angry when I don't answer my mobile, even though I've told her again and again that if I'm driving, the phone is in my bag in the boot and I will not answer it

Wouldn't matter if it was an emergency but it's only ever chitchat. If she thinks of something she has to tell me, no matter if I'm dashing off on the school run, or asleep in bed.