Bought a house, 1 child, expecting, together 6+ years.. Still no engagement

[AliceC92]

Hi everyone, sorry in advance if I sound childish but would just like to know if anyone else in similar position, or what their opinion and advice is. Il try keep it short.

I'm 22 years old and other half is 23 next month. We've been together 6 & a half years!! We went to secondary school together. Had a little boy together who is now 2.5 years old. Bought a house together last year. Found out last week that I'm expecting again. I told him the news and he is very excited. I'm excited too but the fact I work in an office 2 days a week and at university the other two days it's daugnting as I'm going to have to finish my second year and then take a year out (luckily not due till 5th july).

SO I want to get married. Well at least be engaged so I know the commitment is there, I can eventually plan my dream wedding and most importantly have the same surname as my children. I've hinted about marriage a lot recently and he doesn't respond with much. Just says it's not really his thing and that a piece of paper doesn't mean anything and he would hate the attention. So yeah I didn't like that response. Now I'm pregnant with baby number 2 I can't help but feel I want to be "official". So a few nights ago I asked him out right, 'do you think we will ever get married? It is really important to me especially with the baby on the way'. His response was basically "One day yes but not at the moment. We will be engaged eventually but were still only 22 and I don't want to get in engaged knowing that we won't get married for years".

I don't at all believe him. It's not like we have no money to plan a wedding he has a good job and I do okay working part time. I just feel like he doesn't want to and how long I am expected to wait? As you can all See its very important to me! rant over - it has been a long day x

It's about 20 months until leap day/year.

If you can't wait until then propose to him. And the answer is yes or no! Tell him to cut the waffle and give you a straight answer. At least you will know where you stand.

If you have all the financial things in place it's not so bad. I do know of a friend who got married after 7 apparently happy years and her new husband buggered off a few months later!

"Better to be married than not" - to someone who doesn't want to marry you? Really?

Yes if you're aware of the legal and financial protection marriage affords. He's done the hard bit which is commitment to children and a house.

If you can't wait until then propose to him. And the answer is yes or no! Tell him to cut the waffle and give you a straight answer. At least you will know where you stand.

I'd put money on his answer being, "not yet".

Stop being so passive. Tell him exactly what you want and why.

Understand that he may be keeping his options open for the future and work through the implications of that for you and the DCs (especially taking account of you earning less while the DCs are little, if that's at all likely).

Then make your own decisions about your baby's surname, your finances (you do own your house as tenants in common, with a deed of trust, don't you) and what you're willing to accept.

Then tell him.

Assuming she's on the deeds of the house I don't see what additional legal protection marriage would offer.

. Yes or no....not yet isn't in there. Pin the bugger down!

But this isn't a game NoMarymary and I feel that you're just encouraging OP to try playing it.

She has her answer. He doesn't want to marry her. As was said above, she should play the hand dealt her. Protect herself and the children and presume that her partner doesn't necessarily see this as a lifelong relationship.

Assuming she's on the deeds of the house I don't see what additional legal protection marriage would offer.

Really?

And is she even on the deeds, we don't know.

well thank you all for advice. Just to clarify, yes we are BOTH on deeds to house. And to those that judge about my age - is there ever a right time to have children? Yeah I agree there could be better times.. But I think why the hell not now if we're financially stable, have a roof over our head and are generally happy? I admit I should have waited until my degree was finished. So yeah when I am about 24 would have been better timing. Just makes me angry when people - and before I had my first son I judged other people thinking "why are they having kids so young" - then they enter your life and it is the best thing ever. Oh and I really didn't appreciate SolidGoldBrass comment. "FFS don't have anymore". We all have the right to have as many children as we want if it makes us happy. I will be stopping at 2 as the cost will get too much when it comes to school, holidays abroad etc. Marriage isn't everything I guess (though it is important to me), maybe I should leave the thought of marriage for a while and concentrate on paying the mortgage and making a happy life for my son. Well im glad I asked this question originally, because a lot of people seem to thing he's just with me till someone better comes a long.

Some of the posts here have been a bit condescending, I think. The poster wasn't asking for advice on settling down when young (she's already done that so it's a bit pointless to point out she is young to be doing that, and in any event its her choice). She also wasn't looking for advice on contraception. A lot of assumptions going on here about young mothers if you ask me.

Alice - Cogito's post probably sums it up for me - good advice there.

"Marriage isn't everything I guess (though it is important to me), maybe I should leave the thought of marriage for a while and concentrate on paying the mortgage and making a happy life for my son"

Paying the mortgage and more importantly making a happy life for your son are both fine and dandy but never sell yourself short here by putting your own feelings on and thoughts of marriage to one side. After all you want marriage to this man. He has been happy to buy a house with you and become a parent so what are the real reasons behind his apparent reluctance?. Honestly I would sit this man in front of a Solicitor to spell out the legal ramifications to you both of remaining unmarried. It may be that he may not ultimately want to marry for at least 10 more years or equally get married to you. You and your man need to talk further; why should he hold all the cards here?.

" Well I'm glad I asked this question originally, because a lot of people seem to thing he's just with me till someone better comes a long."

That makes no sense . How is asking whether you are unreasonable to want to be married helpful when people say it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you?

Reread your OP. It doesn't read as written by someone who is happy and knows they are loved by their boyfriend and he is in it for life.

Don't disregard the importance of being married if you ever split up.

There are so many threads here with people in white situations because they absorbed the hit to their earnings when the children arrived.

Now their exes are quite comfortable, while they're struggling.

Don't let that be you!

It has nothing to do with age, it's just about protecting yourself for the worst-case scenario. Just like when you took out that life insurance.

You can have a massive renewal of vows later, but you do need that piece of paper today.

People in shite situations, not white...

OP a HUGE number of posts in Relationships are from women who have several children, work part-time or are SAHM's and are unmarried. They have been cheated on, or their husband has suddenly died or they have fallen out of love/been abused and have no way out.

It's just v frustrating to see someone so young at the start of their lives potentially allowing themselves to slide into a similar situation. That's why you are getting a hard time. Bitter experience from many posters who thought it could never happen to them.

Many of those things happen to married women obviously. Financially and legally they have more protection. Equally so, married fathers have more protection under the law.

In your shoes, I would collate your evidence/reasons as to why it is not just a piece of paper to you, sit him down and present them to him along with your plan for what your wedding would look like. Frankly if you want the big white wedding and won't marry without it it probably won't be happening anytime soon anyway.

Depending on his reaction to that discussion I would plan accordingly whether it was working FT, not putting his name on the birth certificate [probably somewhat inflammatory and a huge hassle to sort later, but would certainly give leverage], and having cash/assets in your own name as well as a pension etc. I would certainly not allow myself to become an unmarried SAHM [but I wouldn't do it married or unmarried personally]

I know someone who had two children and a house with his ex, he told me that he knew he didn't want to be with her for the long term before she became pregnant with their first child, but felt trapped after that and wanted to "do the right thing" by staying with her and buying a house. I have no idea why they went on to have a second child under those circumstances. He said he didn't want to marry her as he didn't truly even want to be with her and wouldn't be if she hadn't become pregnant, but she did want to marry him.

Obviously that was never going to happen and they split up not long after their second child was born, she lost her home as her name wasn't even on the house deeds, and she was a SAHM.

Having kids and a house together doesn't necessarily mean that someone is 100% committed to spending the rest of their life with you, sadly. At least marriage is a good start as it shows your partner is committed to you as well as to your kids. OP, put your foot down with him.

He is too young to get married but not too young to have two children? It sounds like he may be keeping his options open for the future. Did you know your chances of divorcing are a lot higher if you get married under the age of 25? I was 22 when I got married and 2 years later, we are separated.

I am judging your choices a bit...I had my daughter at 22 and I am now back in education. I will not have another child for years because I am putting my career first and do not want to depend on a man. Sorry but you cannot put all your trust in a man, why are you putting your education on hold while to have another baby at such an young age? He is very young and unless he is a rare kind at that age, I don't see your relationship lasting.

Why are you rushing everything?

I think people are being a bit hard on you here OP. Having had a child in my twenties and then one at 40 it was way easier in my twenties when I had more energy.

OP can return to study and build her career slowly with children, the same as many others.

In terms of wanting to be married, I can see how you've got to this stage, I think lots of people do. Life just goes on and you go with it and it's easy to make assumptions about things and not be explicit. I don't have any advice, and for sure you should have clarified this earlier, but I can see how this situation can happen. I hope you resolve it happily for everyone.

People often say that having children is a bigger commitment than marriage when there is one half of the couple not wanting to be married. That makes no sense. People who don't want commitment don't pick the more committed option.

Time for a serious talk OP.

Register office and a meal with parents is enough to get you married and protected and your children protected. Of course, you want your "dream day" but that isn't going to put food on the table if he leaves you all high and dry.

You can have a blessing later with all the fancy pants stuff, costing a fortune, if you want that. Which part do you really want the most? Be honest.

I don't think there are that many posts here commenting on OP's age

The majority are merely commenting that if marriage was so important to OP it would have been better to address that before kids and a mortgage, at least to make an agreement that it will happen one day. That logic would apply at any age.

alice
I was exactly the same as you at 22(am 27 now). I'm now expecting my third and have had to defer uni.

I ended up with both my dc at my wedding. I think generally weddings appeal more to some women than their partners.
My dh was very dismissive of my suggestions to get married because he was planning the proposal!
I dont think there's anything wrong with wanting to get married at all, but remember the lifetime bond ultimately comes from the 2 lives you've created together!

Whatever you do, do not quit your jobs and become a SAHP with an unmarried partner and no legal protection in place.

SO many women sleepwalk into this situation, and then you see them on here, asking about benefits when the relationship breaks down and they are left with nothing and a bunch of kids, no work experience, no childcare whilst he swans off into the sunset.

The whole 'dream wedding' thing is something that needs to be compromised on, IMO. A lot of people use 'can't afford to get married' as an excuse. There is the cost of the license and the registry fees. That's it. You don't need a party, a new dress, or even rings. Nice to have, but c'mon, you've got two kids with this man already.

Go and see a solicitor to get the lowdown on the legal protection marriage brings and see just how much that 'piece of paper' means. A will is a piece of paper, too. So is a university degree, a driving license, a title deed.

You are leaving yourself very vulnerable here and burying your head in the sand isn't going to help.

One suggestion would be that the new baby gets your surname. Why should you be the only one with your surname?

If he wants the baby to have his name, you two get married and all four of you then have the same name.

Also why should his name be on the birth certificate if bits of paper don't matter?

You have a bit of bargaining power at the moment. Don't let it slip through your fingers.

And herein lies the danger of having babies and buying houses before you are married when you are a woman who wants marriage. Really where is his incentive now?

always makes me when people present as a reason to get married "so you are protected in the event of a split"
Er, that only works in one direction , and is exactly the same reason the other person might NOT want to marry