Bought a house, 1 child, expecting, together 6+ years.. Still no engagement

[AliceC92]

Hi everyone, sorry in advance if I sound childish but would just like to know if anyone else in similar position, or what their opinion and advice is. Il try keep it short.

I'm 22 years old and other half is 23 next month. We've been together 6 & a half years!! We went to secondary school together. Had a little boy together who is now 2.5 years old. Bought a house together last year. Found out last week that I'm expecting again. I told him the news and he is very excited. I'm excited too but the fact I work in an office 2 days a week and at university the other two days it's daugnting as I'm going to have to finish my second year and then take a year out (luckily not due till 5th july).

SO I want to get married. Well at least be engaged so I know the commitment is there, I can eventually plan my dream wedding and most importantly have the same surname as my children. I've hinted about marriage a lot recently and he doesn't respond with much. Just says it's not really his thing and that a piece of paper doesn't mean anything and he would hate the attention. So yeah I didn't like that response. Now I'm pregnant with baby number 2 I can't help but feel I want to be "official". So a few nights ago I asked him out right, 'do you think we will ever get married? It is really important to me especially with the baby on the way'. His response was basically "One day yes but not at the moment. We will be engaged eventually but were still only 22 and I don't want to get in engaged knowing that we won't get married for years".

I don't at all believe him. It's not like we have no money to plan a wedding he has a good job and I do okay working part time. I just feel like he doesn't want to and how long I am expected to wait? As you can all See its very important to me! rant over - it has been a long day x

I wanted to get married after I had a child. I had never been particularly bothered before this but afterwards, all the legal stuff became really important to me. I asked my partner if he wanted to get married and pointed out the practical benefits. He said no, he wasn't that bothered. I said, well I am that bothered so we need to do it because otherwise I will feel as though I am too vulnerable. So, because he genuinely did think of me as his life partner and because he realised that it was really actually important to me, we did it. Cost less than £200 and was all done and dusted inside a couple of months. If you want a 'big wedding' it seems clear that you won't get one right now. If you just want to be married, you can do it easily. As long as your partner actually wants to be with you long term. If he doesn't, you have a problem that is bigger than not being married.

"Bought a house, 1 child, expecting, together 6+ years"

"I want to ... at least be engaged so I know the commitment is there"

Ummm...

As it stands you do not have the legal and financial protection that marriage affords, which leaves you in a vulnerable position financially if you split.

Personally I would insist that you either a) get married or b) go to a solicitor to sort out all the legal implications - wills etc.

But if he doesn't want a 'dream' wedding you have to accept that. A trip to the registry office just the two of you would suffice.

Why on earth do you want to get married so badly? You're so very, very young and you've been with him since you were a kid. At least having your own DC at such a young age means you will be young enough to do something with your life when they are grown up, but if this man is thinking of you as his 'will do for now' partner I have some sympathy as that's how you should be thinking of him.

BTWm, do you have a problem with contraception, or are you one of those unfortunates who is massively fertile? It doesn't sound like you particularly planned either of your babies, and (again) you are very young to be having them. FFS don't have any more, t least not for a few years.

I've no idea why the OP wanted to settle down and have kids so young, but having done so it would be better to be married than not.

"Better to be married than not" - to someone who doesn't want to marry you? Really?

"most importantly have the same surname as my children."
^
I know this is not helpful but am gobsmacked at this. If I wanted to get married and my partner was dragging his feet like FUCK would I let my children have his name.

So I guess my advice would be to say "as you are not committed enough for marriage, new baby is having my name and I want to change DCs name back too." But I doubt that would go down well . . . still, it's what I would do.

Oh dear OP. You've done it all a bit backwards (in the conventional sense). There's no point in the why did you have a child, give the child his surname, why haven't you experienced other adult relationships before settling with this man, you're so young, buy a house etc... You made decisions and you have to stand by them.

You sound like a sorted happy family. Stop hinting be an adult. Make it clear to him how vulnerable you are and how you want to be married. Stop hinting. Be clear. If he doesn't want a massive wedding (I had one £25000 but we were free and childless - I'd never do that as a parent, is save that money for them or provide them with a better home) then get yourself to a registry office and do it. You're young, but if you have children with this man you should at least be able to talk to him clearly about the adult stuff... Marriage, divorce, death etc... You need to make provision for your children.

He doesn't want the attention so might be more willing to have a low key marriage with 2 witnesses. But you are still young and theses plenty of time

Alice,

re your comment:-

"Just says it's not really his thing and that a piece of paper doesn't mean anything and he would hate the attention".

Not really his thing is perhaps his way of saying no to marriage. Or at least for many years to come or to you. I sincerely hope you are not his "she will do for now" woman but you have been together since you were teenagers. Think both of you still have an awful lot of growing up to do.

I think that he sitting with you for 30 minutes in front of a Solicitor would dispel him of the wrong notion that marriage is just a piece of paper. Why does he think for instance that same sex couples fought so long and hard for civil partnership?. Its because of the legal protection it gives. At the very least you need to ensure that you are as financially protected as you possibly can be. However, setting up all that would perhaps cost eve more than a registry office wedding.

His "hate the attention" comment is an excuse and furthermore a poor one at that from someone who likely does not want to marry you ultimately.

You've handed all your power to him and your eldest child has his surname. It may not be possible to change it now.

As it stands your legal position is a very poor one indeed if you were to separate or dies suddenly. If he was to drop down dead next week you could well be in financial dire straits as well as dealing with your own grief. You could not claims widows allowance, open letters of administration nor even choose a headstone. You could become very reliant on the goodwill of his parents as well.

Why is he of the opinion that you wont get married for years? With two kids and a mortgage, surely marriage is a legal underwriting of all that, rather than a bit commitment leap.

Why dont you both just have a simple ceremony and smallish celebration next year? What is his reason to "wait years"?

Playing the hand dealt i.e no marriage in the foreseeable future..... protect yourself legally. Wills and life insurance are a good start but they only cover you in the event of his death and they need to be regularly reviewed and updated. What happens if you part ways? Make sure that you are properly documented as an equal owner to your home and any cash and other assets. As you're both young there may not be much in the way of savings or equity in your house but five or ten years from now, that probably won't be the case.

So play the hand dealt and be sharp about it. He may be immature and object to 'a piece of paper' but he's going to have to sign quite a few pieces of paper to give you and your DCs the same level of financial security.

Your reasons are all wrong.
Marriage is the sensible thing to do because it means you are protected in the event if a split.
Wanting commitment seems ludicrous when you already have a house and children- that's far more commitment than marriage is. Also wanting to do things 'properly' isn't really a concept that exists anymore and suggests there is a wrong way to do things. If 'properly' was so important, you should have had this conversation years ago.

Tell him you need the protection and security marriage offers, that it doesn't need to be fancy or expensive but it does need to happen now.

Surely in your 6+ years together you have discussed marriage?

We discussed it within about 6 months?

There's more to a marriage than planning a dream wedding and having the same surname as your DC (you could always have given them your surname if you felt so strongly about that ).

I'm sorry your DP isn't in the same place as you are on this, but if you define commitment as getting engaged, then why did you have babies and a house together without that commitment being present first?

As long as he is a good DP and father and he's made provision for you in the event of his death, then I think you need to be patient and accept that he's just not there yet on the marriage front.

For goodness sake, women in general, if you want to get married, think before you shack up, don't get pregnant, don't commit yourself financially until the wedding ring is on your finger.

This with bells on. I made it crystal clear to my DP from the outset that there would be no children and no merging of finances without marriage. I want to be 100% sure I am financially protected since as I'm the one who will be birthing the children it is likely that it will be my career that will take the hit.

I'm a bit of an old romantic and believe that marriage (aside from all the legal protections it affords which IMO are vital), is a public declaration that you are committed to spending your life (and raising a family if you choose), with one person. There is no fucking way I would be having children or sacrificing my career for a person who saw me as their "good for now" partner.

OP I think you need to lay your cards on the table here and tell him how you feel. If he's had two children with you, I'd like to think he's reasonably sure he wants to be with you forever. Marriage costs about 250 quid and I think realistically, you're going to have to forget the big flashy wedding.

It's horses for courses isn't it? My partner and I were both agreed that we didn't believe in marriage, but we talked and talked and talked and changed our opinion and agreed. There was no hinting or assuming.

Perhaps we had to compromise, it's a while ago now and I can't remember.

I am in a similar situation although dp and I are a bit older. We have one dc, another on the way, house, mortgage etc. Honestly, marriage isn't at the top of our agenda right now. I know one day we will marry but we just can't afford to right now, nor do we have the time to plan for a wedding. Your dp has said much the same hasn't he, one day but not right now? Isn't that enough? He sounds committed to you from what you describe, people don't tend to have children and buy a house with someone if they aren't planning a future with them. I think you should concentrate on what you've got going on right now.

I had a similar issue with my DH in that although there was always the agreement to get married (international marriage so potential issues with inheritance/citizenship/residence rights/kids if there was a disaster with one of us) we eventually sorted out a wedding after DC1- and it was hard to do.
Instead of it being a 'this is our wedding, life changing event and after it we will do x, y and z' it was more 'we are already committed, have already built a life together happy, strolling along in the same direction and strongly intend for that to continue' - which is not what the traditional marriage ceremony is about

plus we both really hate being the center of attention! so we had a legal ceremony and then tacked on a big party with a short humanist service, very laid back,with the focus on it being a family get together now we all have kids. Totally not most peoples ideal wedding, but actually planning the humanist ceremony was quite an experience since it made us be really honest with each other and talk about things that get put to the side when you are getting on with day to day life

I think the 'you're so young' brigade are looking at the wrong issue here. The age is a bit of a red herring. The vast vast VAST majority of people I know married their first loves/people who they were with from about 18, my grandparents' generation right down to me. I know one divorced couple and they married in their 30s I think. I was married at 22, home owner at 23, and now pregnant at 24. I think people think this is far more uncommon these days than it actually is!

I think having kids is a big commitment to the child, that you'll be there for them etc, but not to your spouse - having kids evidently doesn't stop people getting divorced or splitting up. Only the OP can judge her partner's commitment to her really. I definitely think you should stop the hinting and have a frank conversation about why he doesn't want to get married OP!

I wouldnt make any big decisions or do anything big when you are pregnant (going off my own experience here)

Have you babies, enjoy, finish studying.

Doing too much 'big' life stuff takes it toll, even the nice stuff can be stressful.

I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to be married. He hasnt said no. I'd back off and concetrate on your pregnancy and uni work - thats going to feel more demanding over the comming months with a 2.5 year old surely.

Let this go for a while, be patient. I wish I'd learn to be patient many years ago. I feel like Ive spent my whole life jumping about looking forward instead of being more in the moment.

It is different for you thought muddylettuce so your circumstances are irrelevant here. You BOTH want to marry at some point. The OP's boyfriend is saying he never does.

I agree Itsfab. The OP wants to marry. He doesn't want to marry. OP does not realise this.