Ways to stop being bloody silly about someone

[LoisPuddingLane]

Some of you may remember that I was on about a bloke a while back whom I've known for a while. Despite his seeming to really like me at first, it's never got beyond friendship. I've now moved but we are still in regular contact, usually instigated by him. (I have this mantra in my head DON'T CHASE DON'T CHASE DON'T CHASE.) He contacts me a lot and we talk about him coming to see me. And then nothing happens. I am aware that this probably means he's not that interested. The question is how do I stop my feelings? I know I tend to go for men who are or who make themselves unavailable, and it's really unhealthy.

I want to not think about him. I want to stop crushing on him. I fantasise about him sexually to a really stupid degree. Any tips for getting him out of my head (and other parts)?

If you want to stop your feelings for this man Lois and move on from him, then I think the usual advice given on MN is to go No Contact with him. It's been a while since the roast potatoes with chicken dinner and he still doesn't seem interested at all, but you still have feelings for him; which is unfair on you really.

I can vaguely remember your previous thread about him Lois, but I can't recall any actual final outcome. I remember you being disappointed after the meal; but did you make your feelings known to him, or was it all still left hanging in the balance and he's still clueless about how you feel?

I never said anything, no. We just message on facebook - sometimes not for a few weeks and then it becomes more regular. Since I moved (about 30miles) in Sept he's been going on about visiting, so I've called his bluff and named a specific weekend. I know I should just move on. I'll call this my final shot.

Is this the same man that liked your chicken and roast potatoes that time (last summer I think?) Lois?

OK. I've now read your previous thread and 100% think you should not contact this guy again. It doesn't sound like he is treating you kindly like a friend, so he's not actually your friend; and you don't see him like a friend.

I think you should re-read your chicken & roast potatoes thread. Do you remember how it ended? password/internet café?!?!! Why are you even in touch with this man.

I hope this doesn't sound mean, I confess to being very surprised at your age because the tone of your posting sounds much younger. While I was looking for the chicken thread, I read another thread you had posted on about a younger man you had some passing involvement with.

My assessment is that you seem very desperate for physical contact and your loneliness is leading you to make very, very bad decisions. You need to work on yourself esteem and the rest will come naturally.

From what I've read my advice to you would be:

1. Stop all contact with this man now. Cold turkey.

1. Decide that you will not date or look for a man for at least 3 months.

1. Go on a serious diet and health kick. Commit to it. Join a gym. Go walking. Start swimming. Do something physical 5 days out of 7. A long brisk walk will do. Cut out all alcohol except Friday/Sat or special occasions. In 3 months you will look differently and feel very differently about yourself. Then it's time to start maybe thinking about dating.

I think the least painful and frustrating route would be NC. I know someone who does as you describe Potato Man does. Unless there's a brilliant friendship/potential friendship you're trying to protect, give up (IMO, anyway).
To be honest even if he did come visit and you had a great time together I would suspect things would return to this vague-talk shit after.

If you dont want to be direct about it, or too rude, wait a while and maybe just a dry/factual response. He can read between the lines. His interest might peak but things will probably return to you being frustrated/led on again quick enough when you're back to replying etc.

yes it is really hard but I think you should block him on Facebook or close the account for a few months, block his number on your phone and block his emails. Then he cannot give you any of his worthless chat and you won't get any quick thrills from him which encourage you to still like him. You know then you have taken control and doesn't give him the chance to do any quick fix pretending followed by treating you like he isn't that bothered again.

Think the plan to get fit and concentrate on that is a good one and just get busy before you know it you'll just meet someone who is interested but he has blown his chance and that's his hard luck.

Your roast potatoes thread was from 2013. And we are almost in 2015! Have you been living in hope since then?

Honestly, how are you giving yourself a chance to meet someone else when you are still putting everything on hold for this waste of space. He's not even a genuine friend.

I'd "forgotten" the internet password thing. And yes, I'm very much in need of physical contact. Not just sex (although that would be very nice) but human contact. It makes one make bad choices.

Since the summer I've actually lost nearly 20 pounds in weight. I don't "do" dieting because I think when you finally come off it the weight goes back on, but I'm off certain medications that were making me fatter and I walk to work now. And back, obvs. I only have alcohol about once a week.

I know you are all right. Funny how clearly you can see other people's situations - I know I always can - but not your own. Against all good advice, we've fixed a day for him to come over, but I think I need to draw a line then. As you say, "roast potatoes" was a long time ago, and we are still here.

well if he is coming over then I think you should make it very clear what you want from him and as someone else says if he does anything else apart from kiss you you need to basically tell him to get lost!

When is he coming over I want to know as well - I need to read your roast potato thread:0)

Early December. I didn't want to seem too keen.

Oh dear, I can see my roast potato thread becoming one of those Mumsnet Things. How not to get a man.

So: A non-date date, in a month's time.

Do you really want to keep torturing yourself?

Have the "dude" conversation now. Or go no contact. You need some kind of decisive action in order to put your mind at rest (it's what your thread title says you want), and a non-date date in a month's time is not it.

I am not sure what the reference to roast potatoes is (!!!) but this has being going on since 2013?!

Ditch, ditch, ditch!

The chap I referred to has been messaging me on and off since March and I already feel like I've wasted too much time on him. Hence him being phased out!

Also I would reiterate the comment another poster made - that if you pull back his interest will peak and then lapse again. Have had this happen to me too.

Agree with GoatsDoRoam that a non date in a months time is not the answer. Pull the plaster off, woman.

Having taken some steps to get rid of the timewaster in my own life I feel much 'lighter' and more carefree if that makes sense. I'm probably a bit lonely too - would really like to meet someone but I would honestly rather be alone and enjoy myself with friends that mooch around after this knobber.

Stop 'goldfishing'! You can do it!

I'm starting to get it. Slow, ok, I know. But I was thinking "you're my only real pal here in " and that takes a while to process.

I should point out at this stage that he has never displayed any anger towards me. But a couple of red flags: he reported to me that he had a bit of a meltdown in the migration office because of something to do with waiting times. Surprising because I've always found them to be lovely and efficient.

And this weekend, he was accused of stealing something in a shop. I do not think he did, because he was just doing what most people do - taking an old, dead bulb in to compare to the one you want to buy. However, someone thought he was looking shifty, and told the staff.

I would have been just as angry if wrongly accused, but his reporting of it to me was verging on a personal attack on the woman - calling her "bitch" and going on about her badly dyed hair. It's certainly dampened my feelings for him.

I'll still have him round for lunch as planned, as a mate, but I think then I ease off a bit.

define "ease off a bit"

Not invite him over. It's not like we see each other often anyway. I think the last time was...no, can't actually remember. It might actually be when he came round for lunch last year.

And not respond much on FB to messages. I really don't like it when men call women "bitch".

And improve my social life.

Look up 'limerance' on the internet. It may help to realise this is a normal behaviour but that it's about you, not him. :)

Yes, I've done a fair bit of limerring in my time.

The main red flags are just that you don't see him and he doesn't make an effort to see you, I think, never mind the other stuff. I don't really understand how he is your only friend in a foreign country if you don't really see him anyway. That is more of a pen pal or online friend to me. Not saying online friendships can't be hugely rewarding but it is no substitute for friends you can hang out with, or an actual relationship.
I would make an effort to get busy with other people. I know you are abroad but I've had friends who lived abroad who jointed ex-pats clubs etc - there were loads of social events organised through them. Meetup.com and citysocialising.com also organise social events and interest groups - not sure if those are active near where you are.
Also, when I felt lonely I joined a choir - there were weekly rehersals, and also performances, and also the opportunity to socialise more if you wanted to - go for drinks after class etc.

He's not my only friend, but I think the manner of our communication has fostered a kind of faux closeness. You know how online things can be.

Yes, I do.
I think online friendships can be great but I have been in the situation myself where I've mistaken something that was basically online for something more than it really is, is all. It becomes very frustrating, in the end.

Yes. Well fortunately the "bitch"ing has given me a bit of a wake up call. However angry one is, that sort of personal attack is not necessary. And he does seem to have quite a few of these situations. Hm.

FWIW, Lois (don't know how much it will match your experience), but in retrospect I have found that the only people I go limerent over are those who echo in some way one or both of my parents. Who are your typical bully-enabler couple.

So, IME, the limerence signals unhealthy partner material. (as well as, you know, being an unhealthy thing in itself since obsession and fantasy =/= reality.)

Maybe something similar is going on for you? Since he is clearly a man who is not interested in you, wants to use you for your internet signal (and ego stroking), and has unkind things to say about others.

You may have a point. I don't think all of my limerence-crushes have been like my parents (except the unavailability) but certainly there are aspects.

Oh dear. I suppose there is still time to get things right with myself but as one gets older the pool of interested men (unless you are Joan Collins perhaps) gets very small, which diminishes both confidence and a sense that there is much choice. And the best choice feels like being alone, which is fine up to a point. But I've been alone an awfully long time and just crave cuddles and kindness.

Yeah. It's a bit shit. But the alternative - going for unsuitable and uninterested men - is worse.

In the absence of a couple relationship:

• You are your own number 1 relationship in life. You can make that mean something.
• Kindness and companionship comes from good friends. And those are much more stable and long-lasting relationships than romantic ones, frankly.
• Cuddles - I recommend Mediterranean friends, as they are very free with the hugs and affectionate physical contact ;-)

Wise words. I'm very introverted which, while not a problem as such (I have come to realise that after many years of thinking it was part of a wider problem, but I just need to be alone a lot for my sanity), does make it harder to form relationships because there is not that driving urge to be around people. Still, the people who are my friends are lovely people.

I think mental cat lady is probably the way to go.