Mixed race relationships

[Lauramay02]

Hi,

I've been in a mixed race relationship for over three years and have decided to write a post on reactions to mixed race relationships in the uk as it's a subject I feel strongly about.

Has anyone that's in, or been in a mixed race relationship ever been met with negative or racist reactions?

In my case, a white woman with a black man, we actually do get quite alot of stares which I didn't think would happen, but only ever 1 racist comment in London. However when we went to St Ives it was much worse.

How about you guys? Do you find it a problem?

I'm really shocked by some of the experiences on here, particularly so because of the perspective that I am about to offer ...

My DH (mixed race probably, suffered a lot of racist abuse as a child but not since becoming an adult) has noticed that it is becoming quite common to see mixed race relationships on television dramas and in adverts, but they are almost always black man, white woman. Where, he asks, are all the black women? Do they not have relationships in TV land? And where are the black families? Do they not buy furniture or insurance, or have gently comedic day-to-day lives?

This thread is really interesting. I'm white, DH is Chinese and we have a gorgeous mixed race 6 month old DD, who looks more Chinese than British. I don't think anyone has batted an eyelid really, but when it's just me and her I do sometimes get asked about it, but not in a rude way. DH's Chinese friends find it more unusual, apparently it's more common for Chinese women and white males to be in relationships than the other way around iyswim. When he tells people that I'm British they often assume I'm a Bbc rather than white British which is quite amusing!

I do know a lot of mums with different colored babies to themselves, I think it's pretty normal especially in London.

NE here, an ex colleague is married to a Chinese woman. I was amazed how calm he was when one old customer ranted on and on to him about Chinese people living here. Stupid old fucker didn't know about colleagues wife.

And a woman I know who considers herself an old 'right on' punk who hates racists was busy telling a mixed race lad in our pub how happy she is that her new grandchild is a'the N word'. Ignorant fucking bitch. And yes I pulled her up on it.

it is becoming quite common to see mixed race relationships on television dramas and in adverts, but they are almost always black man, white woman. Where, he asks, are all the black women? Do they not have relationships in TV land? And where are the black families? Do they not buy furniture or insurance, or have gently comedic day-to-day lives?

It seems to me that non-white families or comedies on TV are not 'normal'. On soap operas the ethnicity of the non-white people is part of the story.
Even Kumars, the race of the actors is part of the comedy.
Wouldn't it be better to just have the non-white people in there and not comment about it? Normalise it, since it is - well - normal!

I'm white and my husband is Asian. I've never seen or heard any negativity or dirty looks from anyone in the 13 years we've been together. Maybe we're just not very observant. Or maybe, if people did disapprove, they did it quietly.

I've yet to encounter what it's like raising a mixed child because our daughter is 3 and has never asked any questions. She obviously knows that half of her family are white and half of her family are brown, but she takes it all at face value. I know we'll have to address it more overtly when she's older, though.

My partner is of pakistani/middle eastern heritage (although born in the UK) and I am white British.

To my knowledge we have never been on the receiving end of any racism or negativity because of it. We do live in London though so mixed race relationships are old news and lots of friends/family/colleagues are in similar relationships. Before meeting my partner I tended to date black men and had no problems either.

Did overhear DD(8) telling DS (3) that they were just like our cat whose parents are different colours, although apparently they are lucky because they are not patchy like her!!

"However when we went to St Ives it was much worse"

What happened? Was it just stares?

Mixed relationships are extremely rare here.

My partner is British Asian and I'm white, we're just about to have our first child. Maybe it's because we're in London, but I've never experienced any racist comments about his ethnicity or our relationship and I'm pretty sure he hasn't either. Two of his older sisters are also married to/in a long term relationship with white men, so we haven't experienced any negativity from his family.

Otoh, my cousin has been married to a Kenyan guy for about 25 years and they have two children. They live in Somerset, and I know that they did experience racism when they were first together, particularly once they moved out of a city and into a more rural location.

In response to TrevaronGirl yes it was just stares, but not quick glances or double takes, it was like being a goldfish in a bowl.

One night during dinner the waitress just stood and stared at my partner the entire time. It was only after I turned around in my chair and looked at her as if to say what's the problem, she scurried off.

On another note, a member of staff asked my partner whether he knew of a 'coloured' lad in London as if all black people knew each other. We chuckled at the ignornace.

I had no idea this was such an issue still :( It's always been normal to me and I'm quite shocked to hear otherwise.

I'm white, my DH is Chinese. We've never had any issues as a couple in London or the UK, although my DH did once get called an 'ignorant immigrant' by an old man at a train station for accidentally stepping on his foot. DH was really upset. Actually, a lot of the assumptions about Chinese people in the Daily Mail and similar rags do upset him (they all look the same, eat dogs etc.) Somehow people think it's OK to be racist about Chinese in a way that they would never be about other ethnicities.

We get stared at a LOT in China, but never in a negative way. People just aren't used to foreigners and are quite curious. Plus like one of the other posters has said, Chinese man/white woman combinations are pretty rare. Not as rare as Chinese man/black woman combinations though - now they do experience a lot of racism in China.

There have been a few times when people have assumed that DH is my tour guide or translator, which we just find funny!

My favourite though was my granny. My DH has picked a very German sounding western name, and when my very elderly, northern and slightly senile granny first met him she said 'no offence like, but you're not a GERMAN are you?' Despite the fact I'd told her a million times he is Chinese...

Haaaa, Xiaozhu that made me chuckle!! When my DH first went to meet uncle and his family it went really well, but my young cousins (aged 8 and 10) said afterwards they were disappointed, as they'd expected him to be wearing Arabian robes!

And the bit about being the tour guide - in Morocco once everyone was convinced DH was my tourguide - one salesman pulled him aside and offered him a cut if he could get me to buy a rug !!

I don't mind these things though, and well-intentioned ignorance never bothered me. It's just the insight into racism against him that I as a white woman never experienced that upsets me :(

Nope.

We live in a village in rural england and nobody gives a shit.

I'm currently seeing a British Asian guy, never noticed any stares or anything, no-ones ever commented. And he's 11 years younger than me too!

The guy I was seeing before was also British Asian, and we used to get stared at all the time! I remember one quite posh looking oldish man walking past in a pub and doing a blatant double take with a look of horror! We just burst out laughing at him really obviously. Prick. And one time we were saying goodbye and having a bit of a cuddle, nothing x-rated whatsoever! And this group of guys were staring and one shouted 'oi put her down!' I just eyeballed him til he looked down.

And I've dated lots of other men of different races, black, Chinese, Middle Eastern, Brazilian, and several other Asians but never had anything with them.

I did used to wonder if it was because this particular guy was married (he was Muslim, it was an arranged marriage, I know I know I used to think maybe people could somehow tell we weren't supposed to be together because of that?

Two young friends of mine (she is black, he is white) told me the worst experience of their lives was a semester spent at university in New York when they were students. They had been a couple for a long time and had never experienced any issues whatsoever in London. In New York when they went out together in public, the young woman in particular was subjected to constant verbal abuse on the street and overt hostility and agression on campus, mostly from other black women. My friends commented that different races did not seem to mix socially, even within the student community.

The fact they were British actually seemed to make things worse and added an extra level of abusive comments. There was no understanding or awareness of cultural differences, or of the fact that these young born-and-bred Londoners might have grown up with different perspectives on and experiences of inter-racial relationships to those of African-American New Yorkers.

Lapsed - I have heard similar stories about New York and other quite cosmopolitan parts of the US too. Was very surprised but apparently mixed race relationships are less common there..

Xiaozhu that's shocking, I do wish people knew how hard it actually is to immigrate here, DH has had to pay a fortune in visa fees and pass a British knowledge test (that I managed to fail!). I second what you said about China, we do get stared at quite a lot there!

EEVEElution, yes the visa nightmare! Even though I'm British, it was clearly a 'genuine and subsisting relationship' and we followed all the rules, we were treated like potential criminals/benefit scroungers throughout the whole process. It was hellish and drawn out and very expensive.

I think that a lot of the racism experienced by some couples is down to the automatic suspicion that it must be a 'green card' arrangement. Really, really unpleasant atmosphere for migrants in the UK at the moment.

I consider my mixed-race heritage an absolute BLESSING as it has made my life more interesting / different / exotic . My Chinese father met my "English Rose" mother more than 50 years ago in a very small English town - it caused quite a stir but no outright negativity. They/we children experienced more of that when we moved to a supposed cosmopolitan / urban big city. So I have been subjected to racism in various forms over the years, from primary school onwards, some subtle, some utterly vile - but have seen people being bullied/victimised/ostracised for all sorts of reasons anyway! Why let others dictate who we love / live with ?? There are still occasional veiled and not-so-veiled comments/slights etc, but I consider the protagnists to be ignorant and moronic and very sad for them as they haven't had the benefit of my mixed-race background!

Sad but not surprise to hear some of the stories here. Dh (black) and I (white) have a gorgeous son. I was asked once by a jamaican lady here in london if i "could not have found one of my own lot to have a baby with". Charming...

At playgroup my son wanted to cuddle a stuffed iggle piggle and the teacher gave him rasta mouse instead and said "here you go, this one is better for you".

Shocking

he young woman in particular was subjected to constant verbal abuse on the street and overt hostility and agression on campus, mostly from other black women

I've lived in the states and would agree with this. I saw this kind of thing a lot - in terms of attitude I mean. Generally (and I realise this is a generalisation!) Blacks in america seem really racist to me. I think it may be born out of their slavery heritage and maybe the way it is taught in schools. It's almost tribal. So there is a much stronger sense of black community and an almost resentment of whites.

I heard and read a lot of negative attitude from black women about black men dating white women. I'm sure if you google it there is tons of stuff on this. The attitude was "these women taking our men". There was also a sense that a black man dating a white woman had "scored" - ie. a result, traded up - that was really nasty.

When I had just arrived and knew no one, a couple I knew through my work place took me out to dinner to a fairly smart restaurant with their young daughter. A mixed race couple walked in - he was black, she was white. The daughter commented on it in a negative way. She was 6 years old! I'm guessing she didn't come up with that all on her own. I was very shocked. But after a couple of months, I saw that this was not unusual.

Nope, never had any stares or remarks in all the time I've been with P or dated other black men. Live in London where it's v common.

LndnMummy at rastamouse, I would've hit the roof. Also I've heard some negative comments from black women about mixed relations in work and when I was in school.

mixed in London. as far as I can tell, nobody here gives a shit.

I am white British. My dh is half white British half Chinese - brought up over here by an English couple. He experienced plenty of racism as a mixed race child in the 70s. We have only enjoyed lovely comments about beautiful and exotic our daughter is and I LOVE telling people she is a quarter Chinese. It's become a bit of a joke now actually because it only takes two seconds before I blurt it out. we live in London and it's lovely and multicultural and welcoming. I'm Jewish and some Jewish friends of my parents said to my mum and dad "the Chinese are the Jews of the East"!! Which cracked us up!! It wasn't an issue for my parents that I didn't marry a Jew. Somebody said to me years ago that the future is mixed race.