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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much to help?

75 replies

Sleepingbunnies · 04/11/2014 11:18

Some of you may remember a while ago my friend was attacked by her partner (he bit her!!) and I took her in for all of a day and she went back etc.

She has messaged me this morning saying she needs my help.

I am going to sound like an unbelievable bitch now but I don't know if I have the energy to help again. Added complication if her telling me she has met someone else. I want her to leave him I truly do but I can't spend weeks of my life again worrying and feeling sick etc when Iv got a family that need me too :(

I feel awful

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 17:36

I tried to search for the thread I meant and couldn't find it, but found this one instead.

Send her the link ?

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 17:38

this thread is the one I meant

AMumInScotland · 04/11/2014 18:40

Your friend has choices, though she may not be in a mental place to accept and deal with that yet.
Your children don't.
You can't take an action which brings a violent man into your children's lives in order to try to help an adult.

That may feel harsh, because not jumping in to save someone else always feels wrong. But (as a First Aider) I can tell you that the advice we get is to look for a ring to throw to them, not to jump into the river and drown alongside them. Sad

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 04/11/2014 18:46

I have read that thread anyfucker I am going to forward it to her.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 19:23

That is a great analogy, AMumInScotland

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 04/11/2014 19:45

Yes it really is. She is calling me in a bit :(

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:02

Any news ?

DollStar · 04/11/2014 21:08

She wants a bed for 3 nights...does her new man come with her??

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 04/11/2014 21:13

She has said that this time she is serious. She practically begged me for help. DP has said no, I can support her in that I can do all the donkey work with regard to housing etx but he doesn't want her here. :(

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:15

This is very difficult for you Sad

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:16

Did you talk about her going into a refuge at all ? Has she spoken to Women's Aid ?

KingCrimson · 04/11/2014 21:29

If she really won't go to a refuge and you're not too strapped for cash, could you lend her the money to stay in a Travelodge or something for a couple of nights?

I agree with all the others that a refuge is the best solution, though, because of all the support she'll get.

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:31

Would your partner agree to lending her the money for a B+B for a few nights ? But like someone else said, what then ?

Don't tell me she is planning on moving in with the new bloke (or has been promised such ...)

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:32

if she could get a refuge place, she will be assisted in getting rehoused... that is the long term answer

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:33

oops, sorry, didn't mean to miss what KC said...a Travelodge also a good idea

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 04/11/2014 21:39

She thinks her situation 'isn't bad enough' to go to a refuge even though I have said I think otherwise...

I spoke to woman's aid last time she was here, I am thinking of calling them again on her behalf. I just want to help. DP thinks I got no thanks last time and I'm too soft for my own good.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:43

if it's "not bad enough" why is she begging for your help and your sanctuary ?

heyday · 04/11/2014 21:43

Thanks for the thread Anyfawker, it brought tears to my eyes. We are so fortunate to have these wonderful facilities here in this country. I only wish a refuge had been a viable option many years ago when my mother was facing severe domestic violence. If only we, as a family, had been able to flee from my father then so much mental and emotional damage could have been avoided for both my DM and us her 4 vulnerable, emotionally broken children.

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:49

heyday unfortunately facilities like refuges are increasingly under threat due to cuts in government funding etc

if you are looking for a way to help support them, here is an opportunity

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:51

OP, I don't think you are too soft, not at all.

Unless she is willing to accept appropriate help though, I fear your efforts may be in vain Sad

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 04/11/2014 21:51

I don't know anyfucker I don't know it it's her warped way of looking at things. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 04/11/2014 21:53

All I'm thinking of is if this was me I would have so many places to go to ask for help, and I would get it. I don't want to be the one who turns her away and then something awful happen.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 22:00

that circles us back to whether you are a) the right person and b) in the right place to offer help that is a) safe from your own POV and b) appropriate

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 22:02

It's a good idea to phone WA on your own account, to see if they can advise how much you can be expected to risk in order to support her

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 05/11/2014 08:13

She is coming to stay for one night only on Thursday. We will phone woman's aid, look on the internet at her options etc.. Thank you all for your advice- you really have helped.

OP posts: