How much to help?

[Sleepingbunnies]

Some of you may remember a while ago my friend was attacked by her partner (he bit her!!) and I took her in for all of a day and she went back etc.

She has messaged me this morning saying she needs my help.

I am going to sound like an unbelievable bitch now but I don't know if I have the energy to help again. Added complication if her telling me she has met someone else. I want her to leave him I truly do but I can't spend weeks of my life again worrying and feeling sick etc when Iv got a family that need me too :(

I feel awful

[scarletforya]

Make sure you're clear that it's just her and not her new man also.

Be firm with her.

[AnyFawker]

Yes, the new man should not be within a mile of your house. Seriously. If there are any shenanigans from that POV, she leaves immediately.

[AnyFawker]

Let us know how it goes. And you are a wonderful friend

[Sleepingbunnies]

To my knowledge he will be no where near. Now, just to tel DP that she is staying tomorrow!

[ruddygreattiger]

Dont suppose it would be worth you re-reading your last thread to remind yourself on how scared you and your husband were when you were dragged into it last time?
Good luck with it op, but at the risk of being flamed I think it is very unfair of her to put you in that position when you have given her more appropriate options and for your husband to be dragged back into it again - he sounds very sensible.

[Sleepingbunnies]

Funny you should say that, I re-read it late last night.

It doesn't make pleasant reading. I am hoping to get her to talk to woman's aid tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

[blondenessie888]

Does she not have family to turn to?

[Sleepingbunnies]

Not that are local. Although I do think moving hundreds of miles away to her mums isn't a bad idea!

[AnyFawker]

What is the plan for after the one night at your place ?

[Sleepingbunnies]

I have no idea, I'm going to get as much info as I can for her about her options etc. I think she has no choice but to live there until she has a refuge place. Any idea how long that will take?

[AnyFawker]

I expect it could vary widely around the country. What is she telling her violent partner about where she is going for the night ?

Don't get me wrong. I think you are making the wrong decision, but I support your right to make it and I hope it works out ok.

[AMumInScotland]

Ok, well, you felt you had to in spite of how you felt last time, so that's your decision to make.

I think you need to spend the time making sure she is planning how to move forward though - one night away from home isn't the solution, so it needs to be part 1 of a plan for what she does next. Refuge or going to her family sound like the available options really - if you could convince her, then her moving far away does sound like a solution, specially if her partner doesn't have their contact details.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

OP can I ask what your plans are for if, having stayed "one night" she decides she needs "just one more" then "just to the end of the week" and so on and so on?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Sorry, I should have added that once she's under your roof it then becomes your problem to persuade her to leave - if you see what I mean? She's already said her situation isn't bad enough for a refuge, so if she also maintains she can't move away to the family ... what happens then?

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

You offered her a place for the night after agreeing with your DH that you wouldn't?

Is he going to be the one forcing her out when she "can't" leave after one night?

A refuge is her only option other than going back after one night. So why can't she do that now?

I truly believe you are making a huge mistake. I grew up in a household with DV. I know how hard it is for someone to leave. You are not actually helping. You are only helping her to avoid the inevitable. A refuge.

All while putting your safety and your marriage at risk.

[AnyFawker]

It's happening now. We should try and support the OP, IMO.

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

Arse. Apologies for being unhelpful. Good luck.

[Sleepingbunnies]

I know I know that it is probably a huge mistake. But I just can't imagine being in her position.

I have made a list of things to look up and research etc tomorrow and to let her see she has options.

I have spoken to DP and while he isn't the happiest he is wiling to support me. Thank you for all your advice I have really listened to what you have all said.

[AnyFawker]

Stay safe. If new LoverBoy turns up send him (and her) on his way immediately. If abusive fuckwit turns up, call the police. Try to help your friend make an action plan that is realistic.

[heyday]

Please stipulate that nobody is to know where your address is under any circumstances. Once these blokes think she may possibly be at your place then they could turn up at anytime in the future and it will probably have to be your DP who has to face them.
I hope for everybody's sake that this works out ok.
Please let us know how it turns out.
I was faced with DV (daughters b/f) a few months ago. I still have panic attacks and cry when I think of it.
She HAS to get professional advice/help as you are not equipped to deal with this.

[Sleepingbunnies]

She has called. She isn't coming tonight. DP is relieved and I am angry, I want to make sure she is safe. :(

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Have to confess I'm relieved for you, OP - I'm honestly not trying to sound mean, but I really couldn't see it ending well for you, had she stayed

As so many have said, you can help her to be safe (indeed you are doing, in the suggestions you've already made) without her actually being in your home. It's wonderful that you care so much for her, but in the end only she can do this - though I'm sure you'll back her all the way when she makes her decision

[heyday]

Not sure why you are angry that she is not coming to stay with you now. Personally I would be relieved. I am with your DH on this one. Please don't think it is your responsibility to protect or 'save' her. You have offered support you have been a good friend. You have done all that any good friend could do. You could tell her that she can make any necessary phone calls from your house but other than that you need to stand back from this. She is probably going to go back to the bloke, one or the other of them. You cannot help her until she truly wants to help herself. Please don't let this cause a rift between yourself and your husband. You have your opinions and he has his. This is a highly emotive subject and it's obvious that feelings are running high. I repeat..... It is not your place to keep her safe. She has to take responsibility for that for herself.

[AnyFawker]

Although I am relieved for you I can see why you are annoyed. You have been through a lot of worry this week and it had caused friction in your own relationship

The fact is though, she is messed up and like hey said, she alone can pull herself back from the brink

Maybe now you will properly detach yourself ?

[AMumInScotland]

Angry and relieved both sound like appropriate responses to me. Have a think about the way you feel, really focus on it. She's messing you around. Fair enough, she's not in a good place right now. But unless she makes a choice to get herself out of it, there's sweet FA you can do to save her.

You need to distance yourself from her trainwreck. Help, but on your temrs, not hers. She needs to get to the point in her own head where she knows she has to change this. You can't get her there, and her spending an odd night away from the awfulness of her relationship isn't going to fix anything.