Xmas...my mother...arrrgh...please help me!!

[fondant4000]

Honest opinions please (though of course I appreciate any totally biased support!).

My mother would like to come and stay with us for Xmas. I am expecting 2nd child on Nov 24 (dd is 3.5 yrs). Dh and I discussed and said we'd love to have her to stay, but would it be OK for just 3 nights (4 days) as we're likely to be very tired and grumpy, and don't feel able to manage guests for longer (especially the nights).

My mother says she does not want to travel on Xmas eve, so has to stay for 4 nights (23,24,25,26). I just don't feel that we can cope with that (and said so). She feels like I don't want her to come and will not accept what I say. I explained it's not her, just hard to have guests staying over at that time.

Am I being unreasonable? Did you have your mum to stay for a long period when 2nd baby was newborn? Am I just hopeless at coping?

Advice please...... (BTW I am 42 - you'd think we'd all be grown up by now wouldn't you?)

Are there any alternatives? Are any of your local friends going away for Xmas, and you could get your mum to "housesit" for them? Alternatively, are there local B+Bs, hotels, whatever, that could take her for part of the time?

Well my mum would be really useful if I was in your situation but then my MIL would be a nightmare. Is your mum high maintainance?

Think your Mother needs to be a tad more reasonable here as with your DH, your daughter and a newborn you will have more than enought to do and cope with!.

Some questions for you, these will also help me with regards to offering further advice:-

Will your Mother have to travel a fair distance to visit yourselves?. Any particular reason/s why she feels she cannot travel on the 24th Dec?.

Will your Mother be helpful with regards to the household or will she want to be waited on hand and foot?.

Ground rules regardless of the length of stay will have to be established. She is staying in your house after all.

Would not have my MIL for any more than three hours at Christmas let alone three nights so you're doing very well coping wise.

NQC - my brother has a flat 20 mins away (usually empty), she stayed there when my first dd was born because we only had 1 bed flat, and it took a lot of the strain off. I'm going to suggest it, but she'll still feel I'm rejecting her and probably refuse to come.

CCC - My MIL is actually coming down to help out immediately after the birth. She is much easier, expects less, considers what we need.

Unfortunately my relationship with my mum is a part of this whole situation. I am not close to her, as I feel she put us second in her life to her relationships with men. We have discussed this at various times. She still wants to play that 'mum' role though, and of course I love her

She thinks she is 'helpful' and 'low maintenance' and wants to be my mum and help out. In reality she gets v. impatient with my dd, focuses on me rather than what needs doing - to the point of talking loudly over my dd and ignoring her when she tries to interrupt in the middle of a long conversation.

Am also thinking of dh who will have to talk to her all evening when I slope off to bed at 8pm! They get on all right, but he can't just sit back, watch tv and slob out with her there, so he won't get the R&R he needs to deal with the next day.

Last Christmas, we had a five week old baby and a 17 month old. My parents went to stay with my brother who has a flat 10 minutes away and they came over, with my brother, on Christmas Eve for a few hours when we exchanged presents. On Christmas Day itself we didn't see anyone and ate salmon sandwiches as there was no way I was cooking a turkey or anything else when I had a newborn!! My parents were absolutely fine about it all. Your mum is definitely being a bit unreasonable IMHO.
Is she lonely? Where is your brother going to be - ie. why can't he host her for Christmas and she comes over to your house for the daytimes?
I would be quite clear about what you will and will not accept - ie carry on as you have been. At the worst you can claim afterwards that it was just the hormones!!

well then if she wants to travel up on the 23rd then why doesn't she stay 23,24,25 and go home boxing day..? Sell it to her on the basis that the roads will be quiet...!!

DH & I suggested "going way" for christmas with dd (I will be around 36 weeks pregnant). We were only going to stay in a local hotel BUT wanted it for the peace and relaxation and for us 3 to have time alone.
WELL I suggested to my mum we would be away for christmas............she looked at me............Like I had just said the worse thing ever..

Why is christmas such a nightmare..?? Even when it's october..??!!!

Thaks for the support - howdoo, great idea to say what I want and then blame it on the hormones - love it

My stepfather died just before Xmas last year (they'd been together for 27 years), so yes she is lonely. We had her for a week last Xmas, no question, obviously.

My brother is taking her to Australia for a month in November and she's going to him for a week in the new year (he lives in geneva, but has a flat in London). He doesn't have children.

The thing is, I actually want to see her over christmas, just can't manage more than 3 nights. I suggested going back on boxing day, but... you guessed it, she doesn't want to travel on boxing day either

Am going to be firm, and ring her tonight, so let you know how it goes. She gets a plan in her mind of what she wants to do and then just pushes it through. My brother is very good at being assertive (without being rude), but I feel bullied and often give in.

With the guilt about 'being on her own' it makes it difficult to stand firm, but I'm def not saying 'no', just wanting to limit the stay.

totaally hear wht you are saying, but is it really worth all the gyp for i extra night (ie is 3 night really significantly easier than 4?)

maybe you could put a tv in her room, and both go to bed earlier and leave her to it, or something?

TBH I'd rather do 2 nights. So 3 was a stretch and, I thought, a nice gesture.

I know my mum is going to see it as a bit ridiculous. For me, there really is a difference between 3 nights/4days and 4nights/5days. Plus, it would be nice to see dh's parents at some point over Xmas and I can't cope with both sets here at once. I'd also like some Xmas for me, dh, dd and baby. If the baby wasn't going to be so small, honestly, I'd just leave the country....

I'm not sure how much it's a point of principle (i.e. I always give in to my mum and it makes me angry, that leads to long discussions with dh - which he is fed up with). I feel she doesn't repect what I'm saying, but I know others wd think I'm making too much of it, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just an unreasonable cow - hence posting on mnet.

My mum doesn't understand, because she thinks it's no big deal. I had a run in with her earlier in the year because she booked a flight to see my brother in Geneva, without talking to me, but which involved me taking 2 days off work to take her and collect her from the airport.

I had to get really angry before she would listen to why I thought taking 2 days of annual leave, without involving me first, was unreasonable. My family thought I was OTT. My sister said 'it's just what you do for family' but finally admitted she was also p*d off because she also had to take 2 days leave to take my niece to the airport as she was going with my mum.

My sister is going away for Christmas....

fair point.

how far away does she live? could you go an collect her etc, so that you control her arrival/departure?

I would never have my parents to stay for longer than 2 nights (3 at a push over Christmas!) - little and often works far better in my opinion. NOne of them are that bothered about travelling though and would happily do the journey (2.5 hours) in a day if we said they could not stay.

Think your Mum is being unreasonable, travelling on Christmas Eve likely to be easy this year as it is a Sunday, so people won't be making a mad dash after work, in fact it is likely to be busier on 23rd I would have thought.

melrose - yes that is true if she is driving but not so if on public transport.

How far is it? And how would she be travelling?

If your mother doesn't want to travel on Xmas eve (why?) then she can travel (if coming by car) on Xmas day - its always quieter...

I think she's being unreasonable and not listening to or taking into account your needs. Its about her agenda. But it makes me wonder if she's lonely at this time of year and maybe forcing a longer visit on you to counteract that?

Is this something you can address? Her real motivation for the longer stay? Are there alternatives in terms of other people she can drop in on over that time, to break it up a bit?

Sorry, I don't feel like I'm being very helpful in practical terms, but I do think that sometimes if you get to the root cause (i.e. possible lonliness) its easier for everyone to deal with the consequences...?

best of luck anyway. I've managed to wriggle out of seeing an overbearing MIL over Xmas so I'm feeling very free of this kind of thing (for now...)

i think 4 nights no different to 3 and you should just give in. she only lost her dh 12 months ago and will be lonely. i know it's not what you want to hear but i would just give in for the sake of a quiet life.
OR- how about you all go to her instead and then she doesn't have to travel and you can saty as short a time as you like?

She hasn't decided whether train or car yet. She lives in Derby (2.5 hours drive).

I do understand Xmas eve, sunday on the train is not great prospect.

I think she'll go for car - due to dragging presents etc.

Am thinking of suggesting she comes week before Xmas for 3 days if it is the travel. But i think you're right sleepfinder, it's actually an excuse because she is lonely and wants to come for longer. That's what's making me feel guilty, and I don't know how to handle it "I know you'd like to come for longer, and I really want you to come, I just can't handle more than 3 nights of people staying over"?

Or, "why not come for 4 days now, and come again later in January for a weekend visit". I'm truly rubbish at this sort of thing...... Feel like bad daughter

but then she will still be alone over christmas
what about my idea of going to her so you arein control of when you leave? ( i know difficult with a newborn but puts you in charge)

or how about suggesting that you all follow her home on boxing day and do something there for the day?

You're clearly feeling guilty already - I'd say ACMummy's advice sounds good - consider giving in, let her come for 4 and see if she can't help you out over that time, with the children (you may need a nap!).

I know its awful to say, but if she was to pass away in the next few years, it would be something you might continue to feel very guilty about afterwards - ?

i always think " how would i feel if the dss' were like this with me in the future?"

ACM - She has said that 'if it's a problem' she can go to my brother who is spending Xmas in Scotland - but she would really rather spend it with us. And of course I wd feel rotten 'coz she's already with him all of November, and new year.

BTW you're right, it's not what I want to hear, but fair enough point Maybe it says something about our relationship...

We have always travelled (on Xmas eve and boxing day) to visit mine and dh's parents until last year when mum came to us, due to stepfather's death.

My dh def does not want to travel with me and poss c-section, newborn and dd 3 weeks after birth of the new baby. I don't think that's unreasonable, and I'm not going to browbeat him into doing something we both don't want to do.

fondant. I totally sympathise. Especially with the fact that you and DH won't be able to 'slob out' in the evenings with your mum there.

This was a real issue for us with my mum. We've recently moved into a house from a flat. When we lived in the flat she would book into a B&B a short walk away and everyone was happy. She's spend time with us during the day and stay for supper but then DH would walk her back to the B&B at about 9pm so that we had some time alone in the evnings. She would then come back in the mornings at about 10am.

Now that we're in a house I have limited her visits to two nights. She lives up North but has friends who she stays with on the way down to see us and also on the way back. I made a joke of it by saying that DH would only be able to put up with his MIL for a couple of nights! Also, my mum had developed a habit of 'phoning up and saying "I'm coming down on such and such a date" instead of asking if it would be convenient. I had one fairly terse call with her when she'd decided that she was coming down to stay and I had to tell her that it wasn't convenient and that we wouldn't be around. I put this down to the fact that she lives alone and, like many people who live alone, had become rather selfish.

Thankfully, she's taken it well and also knows to stay out of the way in the morning while we're getting the boys ready for school. She has, also, taken them to school for us, which has been a great help.

Good luck with this. Bite the bullet and set your boundaries. Even if she feels hurt to begin with, I'm sure she'll overcome it as she'll want to see you.

honestly, and without all the info, i think the extra day isnt worth all this anxiety it is causing you now. dont waste your last months of preg worrying for the sake of one day?

you know how sometimes you wake in the night stresing about something, going over and over, gettong more and more worked up, and then in the morning - yeah, its still a problem, but nowhere near the scale it seemed in the wee hours. this seems like this. which isnt to dimish it, or your worries or feelings. but just that sometimes when you are worrying soo much, it feels like you cant work through it. but sometimes the worry per se is worse than the actual event. knowwhadimean?

fondant- i agree travelling with a newborn would be a nightmare-it was a vague'grasping at straws ' solution to the problem.
i do think that the issue of 4 days rather then 3 seems to have got out of proportion, but small things do take on large proportions when there are problems with a relationship. i think if i were you i would give in. say to her ' we will expect you on the evening of the 23rd, so she's not there all day, and let her do lots of looking after dd so you and dh can have some time alone with the baby? maybe assign her the task of cooking dinner on christmas day so she feels useful and you get a break? i do think you just need to try and make the best of a difficult situation.

If your brother has an empty flat nearby surely it is less of an issue. Maybe you could suggest she comes for longer stays there but maybe stays over at yours on Christmas Eve night so that she gets the magic of Chrismas morning with her granddaughter. On the other days she could spend most of the day with you but go back to the flat in the evenings so as to give your DH some chill out time.

Maggiesmum, yes I do know what you mean - that's part of the reason I'm agonising!

I really do think it would be an absolute disaster, and cause a lot of tension and arguments between me and dh, which is not good for anyone, when actually we both agree!

There's no way my dh will agree to 4 nights, because he can see what will happen and he doesn't think it's good for me or our family, so it's not an option.

Thanks bubble, my mum does exactly the same thing (telling us when she's coming, and for how long), then it's up to me to be the 'bad guy' having to say 'no' but how about.... etc.

Also, she is not v. helpful (though she thinks she is), she wants to talk to me and dh, not play with the children. She stays up until dh goes to bed watching 'Last of the Summer wine' etc., and dh is too polite to insist on watching what he wants. She makes boring conversation with him about motorway routes and he politely nods. Starting to sound like a sitcom isn't it??

She's already doing the guilt thing 'Am I that awful a guest?' 'If it's a problem I'll go somewhere else' etc. Bottom line - I have thought about it, dh and I have discussed it, w.e have said please come for Christmas, but she won't accept it when I say 'I can't cope, this is what I need'

With regard to feeling guilty. Dh and I agree that we would never do this to dd so hopefully dd will not be in this position. His parents are sympathetic, always consult, and respect boundaries, and we'd do the same with dd.

It's not like I've said 'no', so no, I won't feel guilty if she dies and I didn't say 'yes' to an extra day!! I will feel guilty if dh and end up in an almighty row, and the children have to experience it all.