Xmas...my mother...arrrgh...please help me!!

[fondant4000]

Honest opinions please (though of course I appreciate any totally biased support!).

My mother would like to come and stay with us for Xmas. I am expecting 2nd child on Nov 24 (dd is 3.5 yrs). Dh and I discussed and said we'd love to have her to stay, but would it be OK for just 3 nights (4 days) as we're likely to be very tired and grumpy, and don't feel able to manage guests for longer (especially the nights).

My mother says she does not want to travel on Xmas eve, so has to stay for 4 nights (23,24,25,26). I just don't feel that we can cope with that (and said so). She feels like I don't want her to come and will not accept what I say. I explained it's not her, just hard to have guests staying over at that time.

Am I being unreasonable? Did you have your mum to stay for a long period when 2nd baby was newborn? Am I just hopeless at coping?

Advice please...... (BTW I am 42 - you'd think we'd all be grown up by now wouldn't you?)

well, there you go. your decision is made.

Blimey, you mnetters are brilliant

You're right alexsCURSEDMUMMY, decision made. Now just have to deal with it!

Thanks everyone for all your support

Oh Bozza, just wanted to say that even I (wicked daughter) do not want mum going back to empty flat at Xmas (Good suggestion if it was a different time of year though ).

I have checked train prices and on 23 and 24 it will cost nearly £100 return, so I think more likely mum will drive. So can't really see difference between travelling on Sat 23 or Sun 24.

just occured to me, why dont you say you have been invited to a party on the 23rd, so just cant receive guests? i often go to xmas parties with my dd. could be a good get out clause?

what you could do is just present her with an itinerary. is there a christingle service on on christmas eve near you? if you said something like- " right drive down on the 24th and get here for 3.30pm and then you can take dd to the christingle at 4"
then you are letting her know your intentions but in a nice way, and with the promise of a nice activity too.
how old is she fondant?

yes maggiesmum!!!! brilliant!!! or say you have to go and see the inlawas as they won't be seeing the kids over christmas?????

i thank you...

doing a little curtsey in the corner right now!

She'll wait outside the b**y house! Great ideas though, you should all take a bow IMO

Good idea about planning something for Xmas Eve, then, she may be grumpy about not ahve been "allowed" to come on 23rd, but will quickly forget it if she arrives on Xmas Eve and canb do something special with her grandchildren perhaps? If she is driving Xmas Eve will be better too

Am going to check out what's on.

If I can't find anything, maybe I'll suggest a nice meal out locally? (save me cooking too!). Hug and a bottle of wine might help with any bad feelings.

where in the country are you? ( am trying to work out2.5 hours from derby!)

she sounds like my parents. who always try and extend their (generally already unwelcome) stay. We just didn't let them when we had newborns and sent them to a B&B instead.

My dsis always pretends she has to go to work. My parents haven't cottoned on that GPs don't actually work nights and weekends, they think she's terribly overburdened.

Dsis-in-law has actually written them a letter asking them to come for only one night at a time but they ignore it.

really i'd say do what suits you, especially with a newborn, but in fact the rest of the time too, and be firm with her. and don't feel guilty. she shouldn't be being insensitive to your needs.

Sorry alexsCURSEDMUMMY, am in London.

Why don't you suggest she comes down on the 23rd (or earlier if she prefers) BUT stays in your brothers flat, apart from christmas eve and Christmas Day when she stays with you, and then stays in your brother's flat for another day or two if she wishes - that way she is not alone for Christmas itself but you should only see her for a few hours on the other days (you can invent things you need to do/people you have to visit if necessary!)

Nice idea KTeepee, but she won't go for that I'm afraid - she'll just think I'm being unreasonable.

Going home now, will post tomorrow on result - thanks mnetters!

Well, it went fine with my mum yesterday - despite giving myself severe heartburn with the anxiety!

I think I handled it pretty well, I told her "We've talke about it and we just don't think we'll be able to cope with overnight visitors for more than 3 nights. BUT, we reaaaaally want you to come for Christmas". She grumpily replied "OK, let's make it Xmas eve".

I asked what she was worried about travelling on Xmas eve. She said that she was going to drive and it was the traffic. She did not realise that 23rd was a Saturday, and agreed it might not be the usual mad rush on Xmas eve.

I then talked about how hard we had found the first 6 weeks last time round, and though it might be different this time, it cd also be worse for us, and that's why we were anxious about it all. She said she remembered what a hard time we had with dd, and some babies are like that.

I talked about looking forward to seeing her, and doing stuff together, and all in all it was a pretty good coversation

Thanks very much for all your help mnetters. I often find it hard to express myself to my mum without feeling defensive or guilty, but because of your support I was able to be firm but nice!

so glad you got it sorted - and everyone stays happy.

brilliant-glad it's all sorted!!!