Could you go out with a smoker if you were a non-smoker yourself?

[Blowmeonelastkiss]

I have started seeing a guy who said he smoked occasionally when out socialising or drinking. However six weeks on I find he is a regular smoker and I am finding it unpleasant.

When we went to a restaurant recently he left the table twice during the meal to go outside to smoke and when he called at my home he kept making excuses to go in the kitchen eg get water and then went outside to smoke. I didn't think I would mind if he smoked outside occasionally but the smell on him and in my home in the morning was awful. After a cigarette, if he holds my hand or kisses me it reeks. I can smell it on my hair and my clothes.

As much as the smell, the other thing that bothers me is that he seems agitated and restless as if he is constantly itching for the next smoke so it's not particularly relaxing to be in his company.

In all other ways, he is great but I am thinking is this a non-starter? I am also worried about telling him it bothers me but feel I should tell the truth.

(I also think he drinks too much for me/my lifestyle but it's the smoking that's the real bugbear.)

You're entitled to have your own standards, and if not smoking is one of those standards, then more power to you.

The fact that he lied to you is an even bigger issue here, though: if you cannot trust him, then he is NOT partner material.

my last relationship was with a man who smoked, and whilst it definitely wasn't the reason we split up, I als hated the way he'd disappear as I was half way through telling him something, or we'd be walking past a shop and he' go in to buy tobacco or wrappers or matches or mints or........... yeh, smoking even "occasionally" seemed to take up a lot of his time.

The drinking as well but be too much. You're entitled to be turned off by something. I think we're all told to overlook everything and not to be superficial blah blah blah but if it's a turn off for you then so be it.

Not a prayer, I'm one of those awful ex smokers who feel that, because I gave up, everyone else should too!

The last smoker I went out with wouldn't consider going on holiday abroad because he wouldn't be able to smoke on the plane, never had any money to go out anywhere, and moaned at me if I put the heating on because it costs money - but doesn't mind spending all his cash on something to stick in his stupid face and set fire to.

DS1's birth father smoked. I never have but, as I'd grown up with my mum (alifelong heavy smoker), I always thought I'd be fine with it. How wrong I was.

It was just as you say, OP, the smell, the twitching, itching and jittery moods if he had to go longer between cigarettes than he was comfortable with.

He tried a couple of times to quit when I was expecting DS1 but after only a few hours he'd be pacing, fidgeting and flying into a rage at the slightest thing. The real kicker was when I went into hospital to give birth. He took the midwife aside while I was in labour and asked her where was the nearest place he could buy fags.

The look of mute sympathy she gave me made me want to sink through the floor.

I think this isn't the right man for you.

But having always said no, no way in hell would I date a smoker, here I am dating one. Trouble is he's so blinking fantastic; kind, generous, hard working, honest, intelligent, I can't exactly walk away just based on the fact he smokes. He knows I hate it, he has plans to give it up by the time he's 50 (I know that's not a given). He only has 4-10 a day, I've been with him enough to see that, he only smokes outside and generally he doesn't smell of smoke at all. On our first date we kissed and I didn't twig he smoked; I couldn't smell or taste it.

I'm terrified in the sense I don't want to lose him to lung cancer in 20 years time but he doesn't drink and eats healthily, and had a health check recently which came back with excellent results so I've just got to put up with it and hope he will quit and will be ok healthwise. Am hopeful he will switch to e-cigs one day, just for my sake. I would be ecstatic if he quit.

Oh and he doesn't do that desperate for the next fag thing. He occasionally takes himself off outside for his cigarette, but often it's only 2x in the day so it's fine by me in that sense. He doesn't get jittery/aggressive ever.

I'm married to one!

So, how did he take it, OP?

God no! Filthy revolting habit. Never.

I wouldn't as a non smoker. And to be honest, I think the only way it can work is if you really don't mind. If you're not relaxed about it (and I would not be) then it's a pain for both smoker and non smoker .

I wouldn't bother trying to get him to quit either, or even hoping that he will. It's an addiction and can't be easily broken no matter how much you want it to be .

I have to say, I couldn't respect him, and would find it embarrassing and quite common as well.

My current partner was a smoker when I met him. People knew my stance on smoking (my mum died of emphysema) So It was a big NO NO NO for me, but I really did fall for this guy.

We ended up together despite it and he knew I wasn't a smoker so was polite about his habit, didn't leave tables or rooms or anything like that, would just have one if we were walking from place to place...etc.

When I told him about my mum..etc when the relationship got more serious, he stopped that day, on that conversation. He never touched one again.

Decent guy, well done him, so I'm glad I gave him a chance and didn't just say no based on that one thing. (still together 5 years later expecting first child)

Your guy seems like it's not just smoking that is his problem.. but manners. I know a lot of couples where only one smokes and they leave tables..etc mid meal (or between courses) it really annoys me when dining out with them.

Well I am having a rethink! After the replies on here I planned to call it a day. I avoided his calls when I was out and about then he arranged to call in for an hour and I thought I'll tell him then face to face. He turned up with a present and didn't smoke at all! I just couldn't pluck up the courage to say something.

You need to say something. If it's going to go anywhere you both need honesty.

E cigarettes?

Yes he had been talking about trying e cigarettes this week. We will see!

I wouldn't date a smoker. Because it's a terrible addiction. I wouldn't collude with it. I wouldn't want to be an 'enabler', so I wouldn't accept smoking around me, not in my garden, outside my house, or during dates with me.
Why? Because it's profoundly toxic to the body. I can't condone it.
I wouldn't condone racism, homophobia, or smoking or gambling addictions. Toxicity isn't something I want to be around.

No. Just no. You already said you can't stand the smell. It doesn't matter what other non smokers think. Some don't mind at all.

And I won't believe anything about them wanting to give up. It's a very addictive habit.

Like drinking and gambling this is a total deal breaker.

I would never have thought I'd go out with a smoker but I am and it's because like chrome says, he is otherwise a great bloke. He is an adult, knows the risks and I will not be telling him what to do.
but it does worry me. He could die prematurely.

Know your own standards, Blowme.

I'm concerned that you're just going to sit back and see what he does.

Be more proactive: tell him that you don't like that he misled you about his smoking, and tell him what you will and won't accept. And then stick to it.

Do you know what your own standards are? Can you articulate them?

I smoke and my partner doesn't.
He doesn't mind as he doesn't consider me a 'smoker' because I only smoke 2-3 a day.
If he did mind it would be better.
Tell him you don't like it.
E-cigarettes around you would help a lot instead of stinky real ones!