Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you go out with a smoker if you were a non-smoker yourself?

71 replies

Blowmeonelastkiss · 03/11/2014 08:46

I have started seeing a guy who said he smoked occasionally when out socialising or drinking. However six weeks on I find he is a regular smoker and I am finding it unpleasant.

When we went to a restaurant recently he left the table twice during the meal to go outside to smoke and when he called at my home he kept making excuses to go in the kitchen eg get water and then went outside to smoke. I didn't think I would mind if he smoked outside occasionally but the smell on him and in my home in the morning was awful. After a cigarette, if he holds my hand or kisses me it reeks. I can smell it on my hair and my clothes.

As much as the smell, the other thing that bothers me is that he seems agitated and restless as if he is constantly itching for the next smoke so it's not particularly relaxing to be in his company.

In all other ways, he is great but I am thinking is this a non-starter? I am also worried about telling him it bothers me but feel I should tell the truth.

(I also think he drinks too much for me/my lifestyle but it's the smoking that's the real bugbear.)

OP posts:
NoMarymary · 03/11/2014 09:17

I loved him but would never kiss him in his smoking days because his breath was vile.

susiedaisy · 03/11/2014 09:18

Op I think you already know your answer. Eventually I think he will stop going outside and will most likely smoke inside the house and probably smoke more as at the moment he's being polite and not smoking as much as he normally does. Same for the drinking.

PedantMarina · 03/11/2014 09:20

Absolutely not. The smell, the lying. Just. No.

Original poster
Blowmeonelastkiss · 03/11/2014 09:23

During the meal, he said, I fancy a fag but I don't want to leave you on your own. Because he was all twitchy I said, it's fine, go on. The second time, he said he was going to the toilet but he went in the wrong direction and came back reeking of smoke!

OP posts:
Bakeoffcakes · 03/11/2014 09:23

I said I'd never go out with a smoker but I needed up marrying one, he has stopped now though.

However he always smoked outside, never smoked in front of me and usually only smoked half a ciragrette. His good ponts far out weighed the smoking.

I wouldn't have gone out with him, if like your friend, he was leaving the table twice during a meal or was getting tetchy when he needed a cigarette. Ditch him I say.

YvetteChauvire · 03/11/2014 09:26

He has lied about something quite important. He leaves the table twice to have a cigarette. You think he drink to much. It's only been 6 weeks.

Smoking is a no-no for me. I would never have started a relationship my husband if he had been a smoker. I am also the same with alcohol, I am quite intolerant of people who drink a lot, they are boring. He would be dumped very quickly if I was in your shoes.

PedantMarina · 03/11/2014 09:26

There you go, onelastkiss - that first time when you said it's OK gave him blanket permission for the rest of your life, his tiny addicted brain reckons.

walkingonwater · 03/11/2014 09:27

If I really liked someone I'd give them the chance to change by mentioning how much I hated it. It might give them the push to quit- but if he doesn't know then he's not going to, is he?

Tell him and at least it will give him a choice- and the odds are that unless he hooks up with another smoker many women will feel as you do.

Fontella · 03/11/2014 09:27

I went to a concert with a bloke the other night. It wasn't a romantic date or anything like that - not my type. Nice enough fella but OMG he stank. As an ex smoker myself, I honestly never realised how bad that smell is.

Fair play to him he never went out once during the whole time we were there, and we sat in the bar having a drink for about 40 minutes before the gig started, same in the interval, and he never went out once. However, he was clearly a heavy smoker because he reeked of it, and first thing he did when we got outside when the concert finished was light up.

I never noticed the smell so much in the bar, but when we were sat in the concert hall I started to notice and by the end of the gig I actually felt sick. It was rank. He's a single bloke, lives alone and obviously smokes in his flat, it must have been in his clothes, skin, hair everything.

campingfilth · 03/11/2014 09:28

Yes but he left a meal twice when with you in the early days of a relationship when he should be trying to impress you. He is a very heavy smoker to have to do that while having a meal with someone he wants to go out with. He clearly is a very heavy smoker and I would put it around 30+ a day to have to leave twice during what was probably around a 1-2 hour meal.

He is going to end up impotent, with cardiac failure and shite lungs do you really want a relationship with someone who is going to end up so ill?!?!

carlsonrichards · 03/11/2014 09:29

Look, he has already lied to you. Said he was occasional, he's not. Said he is going to the toilet, for water, so he could smoke.

He drinks too much, too.

Dump.

NakedFamilyFightClub · 03/11/2014 09:30

No, I couldn't. The smell on clothes/breath makes me gag.

As for the rest, if he lies about something 'minor', it's probably not a good sign.

chrome100 · 03/11/2014 09:31

I have never smoked but every partner I have ever had has been a smoker. I don't really mind as long as they don't do it in the house. Yes it does smell but you get used to it and I love the man and his personality rather than his habits.

Original poster
Blowmeonelastkiss · 03/11/2014 09:31

Yes fontella, I had forgotten how awful the smell is. I thought I was quite tolerant as my father always smoked at home when I was a child. But over the years I have got used to smoke-free nights out and none of my friends smoke. I don't understand how my whole house can smell if he only smoked outside.

OP posts:
Zazzles007 · 03/11/2014 09:31

Another ex-smoker here, who hasn't smoked for 16 years, and doesn't want to go out with a smoker either. I have also had a health scare in the past, which smoking increases the risks of, so that really puts the brakes on a relationship with a smoker for me. A partner who smokes would be a deal breaker for me.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/11/2014 09:32

I sat next to a heavy smoky at work for a year once, I would go home every day stinking of cigarettes. Disgusting habit.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 03/11/2014 09:43

No.

I really, really hate the smell & the fact that everything ends up revolving around it.

Won't bore you with a long story, but tried it for a while as I really liked him, but like yours turned out he was a heavy smoker and apart from the smell it's just irritating to have to keep waiting for them, and Jesus Christ on a bike, flying with them is torture.

Get out while it's just a bit sad and a bit annoying to split up.

Dowser · 03/11/2014 09:53

Deal breaker for me . Horrible habit.

Yes, hate that twitchiness when they need another fix.

It will drive you bonkers OP.

Time to cut your losses.

SelfLoathing · 03/11/2014 10:08

If I really liked someone I'd give them the chance to change by mentioning how much I hated it. It might give them the push to quit- but if he doesn't know then he's not going to, is he?

Tell him and at least it will give him a choice- and the odds are that unless he hooks up with another smoker many women will feel as you do

I agree with this. Tell him. If he really likes you, it could be his incentive to stop.

Otherwise I'd end the relationship. It's bad enough going for a drink with a friend who smokes (keep popping outside). I'm SO grateful to the Gov. in this country for introducing the smoking ban. I remember being in bars, coming home and my clothes (especially coats in winter) absolutely reeking of smoke. The whole room/house would smell of it.

Living with a smoker will be like that forever.

Jan45 · 03/11/2014 10:19

He's not deliberately smoking to piss you off - smoking is a very addictive habit, nobody who smokes relishes in the fact they are wasting their money and health on it, it's a very hard thing to give up.

Other than ensure he always smokes outside, and not when you are having a night out, as well as constantly having a packet of mints, the only other alternative is to not see him, you can't insist a person stops smoking, it just doesn't work.

Original poster
Blowmeonelastkiss · 03/11/2014 10:26

No I would never expect him to give up on my account and I doubt he would/could anyway. I am going to tell him today it is an issue for me and call it a day.

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 03/11/2014 10:37

nobody who smokes relishes in the fact they are wasting their money and health on it, it's a very hard thing to give up.

Some people do relish it! They are unrepentant and really enjoy it. & have no plans to give up. I have a couple of friends like this.

DaisyFlowerChain · 03/11/2014 10:37

No, I have a few things I would not tolerate and smoking and drinking are some of those things.

SelfLoathing · 03/11/2014 10:38

No I would never expect him to give up on my account and I doubt he would/could anyway.

It's not an expectation! It's just saying I can't date a smoker. He may come back with an offer to give up.

You never know!

Chunderella · 03/11/2014 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.