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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My father has been cheating with prostitutes for 15 years....

35 replies

sadnewmum · 02/11/2014 20:31

Over the last ten years my mum has caught my dad cheating with prostitutes. Every time she has allowed him to stay in the home for a huge variety of reasons, including financial and social. She doesn't want anyone to know.

The most recent event was this week, when she checked his phone and discovered that he had been online trolling for local action and had made several phone calls over the last while. I am sure that he has probably had meetings as well.

It is disgusting. He is 70 years old and the thought of it is vile. I am 35 and he looks for women in their 20s.

My brother and I are the people that my mum talks to about this as she doesn't want anyone to know. So there is the pressure of secrecy on top of everything else. We are exhausted with it all.

My mum isn't speaking to him at the moment, which is understandable. My dad has been helping to care for my 8 month ds while I have been working and he has made it clear that he would like to continue to do so.

I don't know if he deserves to get to spend time with ds, I don't know if I can bear to allow him to, I don't know if I can have any sort of a relationship with him but at the same time he is 70 and I know he won't be able to look after himself if my mum kicks him out.

I am confused and hurt and idk what to do.

OP posts:
Patrickstarisabadbellend · 02/11/2014 20:33

Age means nothing. What he is doing to your mother is disgusting.

I couldn't have a nan like that near my dcs.

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 02/11/2014 20:33

Man not nan FFs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 20:39

Your parents' marriage is their responsibility to sort out between them and, even though you are not a little kid, it is unfair of them to involve you in the way you describe . Your relationship is with each of them individually. You are entitled to tell your father that you strongly disapprove of his behaviour and you are entitled to tell your mother that you can't be complicit any more in keeping secrets.

NoelleHawthorne · 02/11/2014 20:41

i dont see how this affects his relationship with an 8 mo baby!!

greedygal · 02/11/2014 20:42

Sorry to hear this OP.

It sounds like you have your DF looking after your DC while you work (so you get free childcare). Your Mother has clearly accepted your DF seeking intimacy from others for reasons that are private to them. Your DM is also staying with your DF for financial reasons.

Leave them be as you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.

Some would argue that your DM is as bad as your DF for accepting this for financial reasons. . .

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/11/2014 20:42

Doesn't sound like your mother will chuck him out, so him not being able to look after himself if she does is a moot point.

I know your father's sex life is supposed to be his own business but in your place I'd cut him out of my life like a cancer. What he's doing to your mother is a bloody disgrace

Original poster
sadnewmum · 02/11/2014 20:43

I know that I am entitled to do so, but I am not comfortable standing up to either of them. They were both very domineering when I was a child and although I am a confident career woman in my own life, that confidence crumbles around them. I don't have the balls to tell either of them what I think to their faces... or to hurt my mum any more than she has already been hurt by him.

I agree that it is not right for us to be involved in their marriage in this way but I don't know anything different.

OP posts:
CaptainSinker · 02/11/2014 20:44

Your fathers behaviour is awful, but it is not fair of your Mum to involve you. I am sure you would rather not have this level of detail! Can you encourage your Mum to find another outlet?

ApocalypseThen · 02/11/2014 20:45

I guess the real question is whether you can tolerate him transmitting his disgusting attitude to women to your son.

Also, let your mother kick him out if she wants to. Don't be deceived - his sense of self preservation and ability to look after himself first and foremost will mean that he'll be fine. But mainly, why should your mother look after him if she no longer wishes to?

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 02/11/2014 20:46

If your mother will kick him out, encourage her to do so. He can find himself a bedsit where he can entertain his prostitutes to his heart's content.

Remind her that its his shame, not hers.

How will your mum survive financially?

Sack him as a babysitter. Without wishing to be disrespectful to prostitutes, who are women in difficult circumstances, his lifestyle is not healthy and I wouldn't want him near my children.

'Deserves' to spend time with your ds is a strange idea. 'Deserving' isn't the issue. Is he clean? Is he likely to pollute your child's mind? Would your child be present when the grandfather contacted or met with prostitutes? These aren't matters of 'deserving' - they're strictly practical. You have to protect your child against things that you might consider harmful. That can include granddad.

Let go of your hurt. He doesn't go with prostitutes to hurt his children. You can't 'fix' either your mum or your dad. Tell them what you think is right, and what you are prepared to accept in your role as protector of your son.

And arrange alternative childcare.

Original poster
sadnewmum · 02/11/2014 20:47

greedygal - my mum has not accepted this. Every time she catches him out it is a huge drama with tears and arguments and threats of divorce. Every time it is stressful and upsetting and my brother and I are called to counsel and listen.

If I could leave them be I would but they drag me in every time.

The issue with the childcare is that he will use my son as an excuse to be allowed to stay - ie you NEED me here to help with the baby... I am capable of finding alternative childcare and/or paying for it, but my mum looks forward to seeing the baby when she gets home from work, so to take him away would punish her. But on the other hand I don't like the idea of him being used as a bargaining chip.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 20:51

You have to stand up for yourself. They may have intimidated you in the past but you're going to have to turn the tables and take control if you want to stop feeling stressed. They won't like it when you say enough's enough, but both of them are behaving badly in different ways. Either they want you involved and have to accept it's on your terms or you may have to walk away and leave them in their own mess. ..

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 02/11/2014 20:58

Your mum shouldn't force you (even passively) to allow your son to be in the care of someone you know has a private life you can't accept.

Fingeronthebutton · 02/11/2014 21:02

Patronisingbitch. Are you for real? How many 'working girls' have you met?
What sort of diseases do you think an 8 month old is going to catch from their GF via a working girl.
Can you tell me how GF is going to pollute the child's mind? And why do you assume that GF is dirty. I think that's more a case of your mind.

Steben · 02/11/2014 21:03

I think it is v unfair of your mother to seek you and your brothers counsel on this I really do OP. Their relationship and sexual preferences are not something that you should be directly involved in, I feel for your mum but can they not try counselling, or she could speak to somone alone?

Cabrinha · 02/11/2014 21:10

And this is why I haven't told my XH's family why I left him. I shudder at the thought of my child bearing this knowledge about their father.

I would break my relationship with your father. But I have a very personal view on this. Leave aside what you think of prostitution. This is how he treats your mother. I wouldn't have someone like that in my life.

whyMe2014 · 02/11/2014 21:24

I know this sounds awful but has you mum been to a sexual health clinic?

My husband left me in August and he told me he had been using prostitutes and meeting women on the internet for casual sex for the past two years. He also had an OW as well and now he's moved to be with her.

I went to be tested and I'm clear thank god.

heyday · 02/11/2014 21:39

He treats your mother badly but, for one reason or another, she has allowed this by remaining in the relationship with her husband. We don't know the ins and outs of their marriage. He may well have a high sex drive and/or they may have been in a totally sexless marriage for years. Who knows?
I can't see that he is in any way unfit to be caring for your DS, morally perhaps yes, but it's probably not a valid enough reason to stop him seeing him if you are continuing your relationship with your DF.
You know what you should do and that is a) tell your DM that you no longer want to be told the personal details of their marriage and b) tell your father that you know about his use of prostitutes and you find it repulsive but I very much doubt that you will do either of those things and probably, in all honesty, most of us wouldn't want that sort of confrontation.
Perhaps what you can do is minimise contact with both of them. Buy in some more childcare and use them less. If your mum phones then ignore it most of the time and if she starts going on about it again then say 'sorry mum, but I'm really busy right now' and get off the phone asap. It won't be easy but you do need a break from this emotional turmoil, it's very unfair indeed to put you in this awful position.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 02/11/2014 21:47

Fingeronthebutton
Plenty. Through my work. Male and female, all under sixteen. Oh, and the ones I worked with for a short time, though my job was a little different from theirs.

A man who is using prostitutes regularly is not a man who cares particularly for his own health or that of others. His primary interest is his sexual gratification. That makes him unsuitable to care for any child of mine, but by all means, leave yours with him daily.

Cabrinha · 02/11/2014 22:05

Sorry to derail, but why do people always make this high sex drive / sexless marriage comment, offering excuses for this disgusting behaviour?

There are depressingly frequent posts on here from women who suspect or have discovered their husbands cheating and using prostitutes to do so. Not one I've seen has described a sexless marriage or mismatched sex drive.

Men who use prostitutes do so because they are selfish lying cheats. Not because their wives don't put out enough.

FGS, the OP has said that her mother has clearly expressed her upset over this to the father. Please stop suggesting he has any excuse whatsoever for this, that the wife is complicit. Angry

Original poster
sadnewmum · 03/11/2014 18:13

My dad has just phoned me nearly in tears, saying that he loves me and mum and ds... that he feels so terrible for fucking up our family and that he would very much be keen to look after ds, no matter what happens with him and mum.

I hate that I have to take a stance on this. That I have to make a decision.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 03/11/2014 18:17

Only nearly in tears.
He doesn't love your mum, you can see what he is putting her through.
Your father is not a nice person. He's not a decent person.
He may have plenty of good about him (like my XH) but fundamentally he is a cruel and selfish man.
That doesn't mean you have to cut him off. It doesn't mean you can't have him look after your son. It doesn't even mean you have to take responsibility for supporting your mum.
But whatever you decide, at least be honest with yourself about the kind of man he is. A cruel, selfish, disgusting one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/11/2014 18:19

Isn't that part and parcel with being an adult? Even more so once you're a parent arguably. Deciding what's acceptable and what isn't sort of goes with the turf. Treat this as an opportunity to reposition yourself as 'the ones in charge'. You'll feel better once you do

Haffdonga · 03/11/2014 18:30

Hello sad Sad
From an outsider's view point it seems pretty clear that your dad is using your ds as a way of cementing his own position in the marital home ( but I can't possibly leave because you all neeeeed me ) and pulling you into the family drama for good measure with the guilt and heart strings performance.

You say you don't want to be involved or confront either parent so arrange alternative childcare for ds and with one easy fix you have removed the bargaining chip and taken yourself out of the equation to boot. You can reassure both parents that you don't intend to cut contact (if you don't want to) and leave it to them to sort out their own mess.

I'm sorry but I find it quite creepy that your parents are involving you in your dad's sordid behaviour. You could straightforwardly say that you don't want ds to be around them while they're working through their relationship issues - with very good reason, and still maintain the contact through visits etc.

Extricate yourself!

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 19:01

Love, you need to detach yourself from this whole sorry business now

Make and pay for alternative child care arrangements

You should no longer be the child used as a pawn in your parents fucked up relationship. Except you are allowing yourself to be and even more crucially, you are allowing your son to be one too

be the adult here...it looks like no one else is remotely capable of it