My father has been cheating with prostitutes for 15 years....

[sadnewmum]

Over the last ten years my mum has caught my dad cheating with prostitutes. Every time she has allowed him to stay in the home for a huge variety of reasons, including financial and social. She doesn't want anyone to know.

The most recent event was this week, when she checked his phone and discovered that he had been online trolling for local action and had made several phone calls over the last while. I am sure that he has probably had meetings as well.

It is disgusting. He is 70 years old and the thought of it is vile. I am 35 and he looks for women in their 20s.

My brother and I are the people that my mum talks to about this as she doesn't want anyone to know. So there is the pressure of secrecy on top of everything else. We are exhausted with it all.

My mum isn't speaking to him at the moment, which is understandable. My dad has been helping to care for my 8 month ds while I have been working and he has made it clear that he would like to continue to do so.

I don't know if he deserves to get to spend time with ds, I don't know if I can bear to allow him to, I don't know if I can have any sort of a relationship with him but at the same time he is 70 and I know he won't be able to look after himself if my mum kicks him out.

I am confused and hurt and idk what to do.

Well if it were me I would

Seek and then use alternative childcare arrangements
Tell my dad his behaviour utterly revolting and if he were not still living with my mum I wouldn't have a relationship with him any more
Tell my mum that I'd be there for her and that she can see DS at her home while he is out or meet me with him somewhere at weekends or come to mine to see him
Tell my mum that if I were here I'd be long gone from that relationship but obviously it's up to her

Sort of more or less that anyway

For me, I would want nothing to do with that man, at all. And I would act on that, no question.

FWIW I did cut contact with my dad but it was a bit different as he had a large number of affairs and we only found out when he left. I didn't speak to him for 2 years and that was fine. These things are do-able. My mum took him back in the end, when it finished with the other woman, people have their reasons for doing this stuff, my mum had her reasons, I don't think I'd have done what she did.

This is an awkward question but I have to ask, how would you feel if your dad took your son along when he visits prostitutes?

Can you be really sure that he has not already done this, or could in the future?

Aside from not knowing where he goes to do this and how safe it is for your son, then your baby could be left unsupervised while your father is having sex. Or be in the same room.

What your Mum and Dad accept between themselves is nothing to do with you. Your Mum was wrong to involve you at all.

The only thing you need concern yourself with is the relationship between yourself and your Dad and your DS. Make your decision solely based on that.

And iggymama - WHAT? You really really think that ? I am disgusted that you would even put that into words!

AesSedai what Iggy has said is not so much of a stretch. What do we know about Granddad? He sees sex workers when he is away from the house. Taking the DS out for a 'bit of fresh air' is a great excuse to get out and about. We know he has the morals and values of an un-neutered TomCat that has got away with multi shagging in the past. It's an unpalatable thought but far and away from impossible I would say.

Sad have you offered to help your Mum leave him? A genuine offer to do all the paperwork/legwork and physically help her with the move may make her feel less overwhelmed by the prospect of going. I had a relative in a situation vaguely similar (no prostitutes though) and once I had extended the offer of helping find new place, sell the old and handle everything, they moved on and all the problems fell away with a new key in a new door.

OP, absolutely loads of sympathy. My mother found out about 5 years ago that my father has been other men for sex for years. I have no idea if they were prostitutes or not. My mother told me and my siblings but my father has no idea that we know. I hear you about the pressure if having to keep secrets.

It is highly inappropriate for your parents to involve you in their marriage in this way and you don't have to take it. I understand that detaching will not be easy and I wasn't surprised to hear you describe them as domineering in your childhood. But you can simply refuse to get involved in any more discussions about this issue. You can also set your own boundaries around when you see them and how often they see your DS.

I don't have much of a relationship with either of my parents now - they are both highly toxic apart from this issue. I have worked hard on accepting that its not up to me to fix their marriage and its not up to you to make your parents lives better either

The thing that struck me about all of this is: this isn't something you should know about! Most people would rather not think about their parents as sexual beings at all - and that may be a bit silly - but nobody needs to know their parents on that level.

And so I think both of your parents have done wrong by you. That your father has repeatedly been caught out shows that his lack of respect goes beyond the mere cheating: he can't even be bothered to cover his tracks! And then your mother has done you wrong: she has vented to you and laid this burden upon you even though she'd be ashamed if the neighbours knew. Your mother stays with him and then makes you suffer for it. Your father is even calling you and talking to you about it.

There is something seriously wrong here that goes well beyond cheating and prostitution. There are problems with boundaries and appropriateness in all directions. But you don't have to participate. You must do something to extricate yourself from this tragic madness. Protect yourself and let the two other adults (your parents) sort their own lives out.

If you want to take sides, take sides.
This is your family and that's what family is about.
Sitting on the sidelines is for strangers, not regarding people you love deeply.

Your father is a disgusting creature and has no respect for your mother and the concept of 'family'.

Ban him from grandchild duties. He deserves it.

AesSedai, I am sorry if I offended you, but it could happen.

There was a thread on here a few months ago where a MNer found out her SAHDH had been leaving their toddler crying downstairs while having sex upstairs with the OW.

Yes, disgusting, but possible.