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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been sad for months now

31 replies

Charley50 · 30/10/2014 22:31

My DP of 8 years moved out from our home nearly 5 months ago now. Initially I said that if he moved out it was over, but I've found myself seeing him still, maybe once a week. He hasn't stayed the night while my DS is there since he moved out, but he has occasionally when DS is at his dads.
He doesn't want to move back in, he wants an easy life at his mums (he is 50 years old FFS)!! I know that going NC is the way forward but I'm finding it so difficult. I want him back with us but it's not looking like it's going to happen. It is all so painful to me. Would anti-depressants help me to get through this? I've got lovely friends but I don't let most of them know just how bad I am feeling. They tend to give me advice rather than listen to me.

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 30/10/2014 22:51

If you're feeling that every day is a struggle, ADs may well help in the short term. They won't necessarily make you feel better, but they will help you feel a little more detached from the situation so that you can see things a little more objectively and make clearer, better decisions. In the meantime, there is mounting evidence that for milder depression a good diet, sleep and regular exercise can achieve the same benefits, so I'd try that as well (especially as ADs can take several weeks to kick in).

It's early days yet though. 5 months is no time and you were together a long time. It's natural to still be grieving, and that's exactly what you are doing. Your X may not have died but you're mourning the loss of your relationship - and all the hopes and visions of the future you had together. It's a lot to lose and it takes time to work through. It's ok to feel sad about it. Eventually, this new uncertain future will feel exciting rather than bleak and daunting, but it's normal that you don't feel that way about it at this early stage. Don't dismiss your friends too quickly by assuming they'll be fed up of you going on about your X. If they're true friends they'll be happy to listen for a while longer yet and talking is your way through this.

If you're a practical get-on-with-it type of person, you may find it helpful to write a sort of action plan for yourself. Try to deal with what you have rather than chasing after dreams. If you Knew that it was definitely over for good, would that change how you relate to your X when you see him? You can still grieve without diverting valuable energy on a hopeless proposition, and the grieving will be over more quickly because you are able to give it your full attention.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 30/10/2014 22:53

Just sack him completely. Until you stop digging into the wound its not going to heal.

Original poster
Charley50 · 30/10/2014 23:05

Thank you both of you.

OP posts:
SpanielofDoom · 30/10/2014 23:09

NC is the only way you're going to get over this. Complete NC.

It can be really hard for the first few weeks, but nothing is harder than seeing someone once a week when that someone used to live with you, and you want it like it used to be, but they're happy as a pig in shit with the new arrangement.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/10/2014 07:04

You do have to make a clean break and he should respect your decision when you tell him to stop coming round. If your friends want to help, perhaps they could be on the end of the phone for if/when you feel yourself wanting to get in touch? I'm not sure that ADs are the way forward, however. I think sometimes people need help dealing with hopeless situations or they need a helping hand over the worst, but at other times it's important to let the hurt happen naturally so that you can feel when you are starting to improve. Good luck but do make the break

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/10/2014 07:10

BTW.... with friends who want to give advice (and yes I'm aware of the irony... :)), if you just want them to listen it can help if you preface what you tell them with the words... 'I'm not looking for solutions yet, I just need you to listen and understand'.

Original poster
Charley50 · 31/10/2014 07:40

Thanks Cogito..Tbh it is me asking him to come round. I think if I stop asking him he will just fade away. I have been hopIng that he will realise he has made a mistake and that he loves me and wants to move back in, which is why I've kept things going.
In the meantime I have relegated myself to a booty call in a way. (Although he does still help me with stuff). But yes I need to make the break and move on.

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Nanadookdookdook · 31/10/2014 07:51

Can you afford to visit a counselor - they're paid to listen!! And it can be so cathartic to off load to someone.

And ime can really help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/10/2014 07:56

I'm sorry your optimism has come to nothing. Being someone's booty call is not a great way to live, you're quite right. Keeps all the hopes alive but ultimately you still end up by yourself. Worst of both worlds and that's when it's particularly difficult to shake of the sadness. Even though you asked him round, he could have said no. It would have been kinder.

IME someone you've been with for several years leaves a big hole in your life. All the things that you used to do as 'us' are suddenly 'I'. Everything from booking holidays to wallpapering a room to washing the pots becomes alien. You're suddenly conscious of happy couples everywhere, holding hands. It's really not easy at all and it takes time and application to stop seeing a space where the person used to be. So be kind to yourself as you make the break and ask for help if you need it.

SpanielofDoom · 31/10/2014 08:03

I'm worried about your "fade away" comment.
Don't let it happen like that. You need to tell him that you don't want to see him or have contact with him again, and stick to it. Him "fading away" if you don't ask him to see you is still dragging things out and causing you more hurt and mental anguish.

Original poster
Charley50 · 31/10/2014 08:39

I have told him. He said 'ok.' I still carried on seeing him. He has also said a few times since we split that he will move back in and then changed his mind (with no adult discussion). I know I must have really low self esteem to carry on with someone so unbothered.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 31/10/2014 09:34

"I know I must have really low self esteem to carry on with someone so unbothered."

Not necessarily low self esteem; you probably still have deep feelings for him and are hoping he'll change and turn into a man that can be bothered with you again instead of dossing at his mum's.

CuttedUpPear · 31/10/2014 09:46

I feel for you charley. My situation is very similar to yours, including the involvement of the mother.

I am trying to find the strength to get out of this relationship so I'll be watching this thread and wishing you the best.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/10/2014 09:50

Have you ever heard of the term 'hysterical bonding'? AKA 'The Pick Me Dance'. Happens when someone gets dumped and has a chance to get back with the ex. In shock they 'hysterically bond', often involving lots of sex, in a desperate attempt to win back the affection that has been withdrawn. Eventually, the panicky reaction subsides they realise that all they're doing is demeaning themselves. The grief they were trying to avoid is slightly worse because now there's an extra element of self-loathing and a feeling of failure

I think that's roughly where you are now, sadly. Low self-esteem is a factor, certainly, but it might help to understand that it's not an uncommon process.

SpanielofDoom · 31/10/2014 11:18

I went through this a few years ago Charley, hung onto someone for too long even though I knew it wasn't good for me.

The day I decided once and for all to go NC I can't tell you how relieved I felt. I was also very sad and very disappointed and it did take time for me to get over it.
It's not surprising that you're feeling really low and sad.

Original poster
Charley50 · 31/10/2014 13:48

Yes I am grieving and am finding a lot of things trigger the tears, even at work and on the street, which is embarrassing as I don't look fetching with a blotchy crumpled face.
Maybe I can use this thread as a support when I go NC (hopefully very soon).
All your words make sense to me but I have found it hard to put it into practice so far. Just got to be strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charley50 · 31/10/2014 13:56

And sorry the PP who is going through similar. Feel free to post about your experience and going NC etc.

OP posts:
AYellowCreation · 31/10/2014 20:41

I was with my XDP for 8 years too. When he left I knew I could have got him back for a similar arrangement to what you have. But I didn't want someone who didn't really want me, apart from for a booty call.

I went NC. It wasn't easy and I particulary missed him with helping me with odd jobs and sex

I missed him greatly, but a year later my life is really, really good. What will life be like in a year's time........have you thought about that?

Original poster
Charley50 · 31/10/2014 21:39

Well ayellow, it will be much better I'm starting to realise that. He would just string me along indefinitely so if I end it properly I can get my misery over and done with, and get back to being the upbeat person I naturally am.
I yearn for a strong solid supportive relationship, like some friends have, that's what I wanted with ex... but that can wait a few years now. My DS has just turned 12 and it's been heartbreaking to see the man he has known since he was 4 just fuck off out of his life too without making an effort to fix our relationship first. We actually get on really well, another reason it's hard to let go.
Sorry, I'm rambling. Post trick or treating wine has gone straight to my head.

OP posts:
Dowser · 31/10/2014 22:58

Homeopathic ignatia 30 , see holland and Barrett is excellent for grief or loss.

It's not addictive or habit forming and can help you over the rough patches...

It's worth a try.

Original poster
Charley50 · 01/11/2014 08:55

Thanks Dowser, maybe I'll try that. Thanks Cogito, I've read about hysterical bonding on here. One of the reasons it is hard to get over is that we never stopped having good sex and being affectionate, and making each other laugh etc. The only problem he had with me is that I was 'moany.'
I just think he wants to have an easier life at his mums, bills paid, food in fridge, hand her a oner a month or something. I find it so sad and insulting.
I know I should think I've had a lucky escape from a man child, just find it hard to genuinely feel that as we got on so well.
I'm writing all this to stop myself from contacting him.

OP posts:
SpanielofDoom · 01/11/2014 09:47

I'm writing all this to stop myself from contacting him.

Don't contact him. Keep telling yourself you deserve a happy relationship with someone who loves and wants to be with you.
Have you told him you don't want to see him again? If not is it normally you who makes contact to see each other?

Original poster
Charley50 · 01/11/2014 09:59

Last night I texted him and said that unless he loves me and wants to be back in a real relationship with me it's best if we don't see each other any more as it's too painful.
He didn't respond.

Before that, since he left, we would both contact each other but it was me instigating meeting up more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charley50 · 01/11/2014 21:23

I also don't know if my DS is coping or if I'm worried about nothing. He never wants to go out at the weekend anymore. I practically have to drag him out the house. This is also getting me down. He is a lovely boy but not very affectionate and I feel very unloved. He says he is fine about ex DP leaving. I feel anxious and a failure. Is this all normal for a breakup?

OP posts:
SpanielofDoom · 01/11/2014 22:07

Sorry Charley I've only just seen your reply from this morning.

Ok so you've sent that text, laid it out to him. He knows the score now. So you must go fully NC now, do NOT go back on this.

I wish I could remember what was the one thing that finally gave me the motivation to go full NC after a couple of years of putting myself through hell...if I could remember maybe it would help you.

I think a lot of your anxiety is because this hasn't really been a break up because of the ongoing contact. It really is like ripping a plaster off in super slow motion, it just hurts more. I was a complete mess mentally and when I finally finished it for good it really was like a weight had been lifted.
You will feel better, honestly. Just keep posting when you feel the urge to contact him.