The Rules and Granny

[maur33]

Last week my son gave me THE RULES for his 4 yr old children on a piece of A4 paper with large text. It's not my place to disagree with how they have decided to bring up their children but I found it very hurtful that it was especially printed out for me. At first I thought it was like new targets for my failed performance management in grannyhood, that it was extremely controlling - even passive /aggressive but the bottom line is that really he obviously doesn't expect me to do my best by his children - and that is what hurts.
I love my grandchildren very much but now I'm aware that I'm on trial and I feel uncomfortable looking after them.We usually have a brilliant time together but The Rules have upset me so much that I'm second guessing myself.
Any advice?

[maur33]

So sorry everyone to raise such a storm and then leave you, I had no idea that there would be so many messages. I would like to thank you all for your comments as things seem a little clearer in my mind now and less emotional. I apologise if my lack of posting annoyed anyone - it was unintentional.

[Mammanat222]

Are you able to clarify a few things maur.

• you mention that the rules were delivered with a lecture? What kind of lecture? What was said?
  
• was this all completely out of the blue of have there been issues / discussions around this before?

[WitchyLeaks]

OP has been treated like an unsatisfactory employee rather than a grandparent. What next, a final written warning? Don't blame her in the slightest for being upset..

[TheHermitCrab]

WitchyLeaks That all depends on whether DS has been ignored and not treated properly or respected as a parent. We have no idea if this has been going on for a while and that the "rules" were a last straw... and it would seem the OP doesn't want to expand on it either...

[Dowser]

I'll put my hand up to being the one person on here who would disobey the rules.

Certainly I'd go along with most of them . I wouldn't want to give them sweets at every turn but if cake isn't on the list or ice cream then that's what they would have.

I'm just trying to point out in a bit of a tongue in the cheek way that there's ways of treating the kids without having a head to head confrontation.

If you wanted to take them to the cinema and it meant getting home after 7 does that matter.

I take my grandson to my daughters and they regularly go to bed about 10 pm or later. They are all fine well adjusted kids with lovely manners too.

[Nanadookdookdook]

Well, grandparents are the DGCs parents' parents.

Grandparents are being described in some posts as if they are some strange beings who arrive from a distant planet invading the life of the DM and their DC, usually unwantedly.

If I give my DD unwanted advice she will have no problem whatsoever telling me where to get off, she is my DD after all!! Not some stranger whose life I have decided to interfere with, who I might unwittingly offend, I do know her quite well after all

[paxtecum]

I'm a Granny and used to put 4 year old DGC to bed at 7pm.
They would be far too whingy the next day if they were tired
I never bought them sweets as they have loads of energy already but I do take them special biscuits.

The presents thing is wierd though. Maybe they don't want the DGCs to actually like their Granny.

To be honest your son sounds pretty miserable.

[usualsuspect333]

I'm a granny, I'd ignore his rules.

[Liara]

The presents thing is wierd though. Maybe they don't want the DGCs to actually like their Granny.

I have this rule for my dc. It's not that I don't want my dc to like their granny, it's that I want them to like her because she is fun and does nice things, and not because she buys them lots of crap that costs pennies but is destroying any chance that there will be a planet for said children to enjoy once granny is gone.

I am bringing up my children not to be materialistic because the way we were brought up, where we were taught to equate tat with love, is shit totally unsustainable.

They do love their granny and look forward to her coming to visit, and the absence of presents makes absolutely no difference to that.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

There's a 'no presents' rule for me, too. We had a presents phase and it was fun, but it was time-limited - when baby started kindergarten, random presents stopped.

I sometimes explain to dgd that to be a good grandma, I have to agree with mummy. If mummy says something, I have to say it too, and I have to keep mummy's rules. I am happy to do this because I believe that mummy is right - she has the responsibility for bringing up the child so she needs to have the last word.

dgd thinks I'm a bit feeble - what's the point of being mummy's mummy, if you can't tell mummy what to do? She hasn't articulated this as yet, but I've seen it in her eyes.

[Dowser]

I'll put my hand up to being the one person on here who would disobey the rules.

Certainly I'd go along with most of them . I wouldn't want to give them sweets at every turn but if cake isn't on the list or ice cream then that's what they would have.

I'm just trying to point out in a bit of a tongue in the cheek way that there's ways of treating the kids without having a head to head confrontation.

If you wanted to take them to the cinema and it meant getting home after 7 does that matter.

I take my grandson to my daughters and their kids regularly go to bed about 10 pm or later. They are all fine well adjusted kids with lovely manners too.

[usualsuspect333]

I'd tell my DS to get over himself if he gave me a list of rules.

[DollStar]

Seriously, if you were a primary school teacher, you will be a fabulous Grandma and he is being a little condesending. Maybe the wife has a little more input than him?

[Sallystyle]

Yeah, if my children ever gives me a set of rules I would tell them where to stuff them.

I am a grown adult and they can talk to me. Maybe he has tried to talk to her already, who knows, and the OP isn't answering questions, but if that is the case then I wouldn't be using granny for child care.

We have a 'no presents to take home' rule with my mil. That came about though because I have five children, three with my ex and two with my husband and she has known my first three children since they were tiny, but thought nothing of buying her bio grandchildren toys while the non bio grandchildren got nothing. They found it heartbreaking because in their eyes she is nanny as they can't remember a time when she wasn't a part of the family.

Apart from that rule I have none. Nanny's house is a place for fun, treats and special times.

[enWoooquethesythebearingwizard]

A printed out rule to remind Granny about Please and Thank You?

Seriously?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

What happens at granny's stays at granny's

No presents? Ffs

[CariadsDarling]

It's atrocious goings on like this that make me realise all the more how wonderful the mums and dads of my 5 grandchildren are. They seem to work along the lines of she knows what she's doing and let me get on with it. But that said its not really possible to not know their views on certain things and mix it into your blend of how you do things.

I currently have my 11 month old grandson staying while my son and his wife are away for a much deserved weeks holiday. There was no significant handover or list of things we had to do, or not do. Thankfully.

[Yarp]

U2

I agree. If they have tried to talk to the OP, then I'd say patronising lists won't work either.

[paxtecum]

But does 'no presents' mean if you visit a museum you can't buy them anything, even a pencil, from the shop?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen you cannot even start to encourage the DGCs to keep secret what goes on at Granny's house.

[magpiegin]

I just don't think anyone can comment because there is clearly more to this than the OP has said. I agree that on face value the no presents thing does sound odd, but could it be that when out and about the grandson is told he can have a toy up to the value of £5 but he cries unto Granny lets him have something that costs £10 or a situation like that? That could cause a problem for the parents elsewhere.

Unless the OP clarifies I do no think we can speculate whether the list is odd or not.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Pax-I didn't say anything about keeping secrets.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I left ds with my SIL who has 4 kids when he was about 9 months. First time I'd left him with anyone as I'd been in hospital and very poorly. She ordered me and Dh to go out and have a day to ourselves and not to worry about a thing. She mentioned that she'd got him some chocolate buttons as a treat,I inwardly blanched as I thought he was too young BUT she is his aunty, she has brought up 4 wonderful children and ds isn't 'mine' as a pp mentioned, he belongs to the family. If that family want to give him a treat or do something different than the norm,I can live with it. My sil is fantastic and I love her dearly so as far as I'm concerned what goes on at her house stays at her house and we can have normal rules at home. It does kids no harm to see different families have different rules imo. And looking back 13 years on I can't believe I was so precious about a packet of chocolate buttons

[Fairenuff]

OP in light of the fact that you haven't disputed it, I am going with the earlier suspicions that you have been ignoring your son's wishes over the past 4 years which has led him to make these rules.

There is a very real possibility that this is your last chance. If you continue to override him, you may find that he stops letting you have the children. Have a word with yourself and see if you can follow his rules and prove to him that you are trustworthy.

I know plenty of people who won't allow their parents to watch their children because they consistently go against the parents wishes, even when being asked nicely not to. There are plenty of threads on mn too about similar situations so it's not uncommon.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

One of the reasons I'm so keen to comply with my daughter's wishes is that she's still my baby. I want to support her, so I want her toddler to know that mummy is in charge.

[drudgetrudy]

Many of the responses here are at two extremes.

1. Ignore the rules Granny can do as she likes
   
2. OP must have done something wrong or this would not have happened.
   
   
3. Is a very unhelpful response -will lead to conflict and possible NC
   
   
4. Makes massive assumptions. OP may have been undermining but we just don't know. Sadly some people are very inflexible about the need to control all aspects of their children's lives and wouldn't be beyond issuing THE RULES without Granny having done much wrong.
   
   OP can you discuss with your son what he means eg if he really doesn't want you to have toys at your home or give treats.
   On the whole though I wouldn't comment and would generally go along with THE RULES-you can still continue to enjoy a lot of fun with your GC and the parents are in charge whilst he is little.