The Rules and Granny

[maur33]

Last week my son gave me THE RULES for his 4 yr old children on a piece of A4 paper with large text. It's not my place to disagree with how they have decided to bring up their children but I found it very hurtful that it was especially printed out for me. At first I thought it was like new targets for my failed performance management in grannyhood, that it was extremely controlling - even passive /aggressive but the bottom line is that really he obviously doesn't expect me to do my best by his children - and that is what hurts.
I love my grandchildren very much but now I'm aware that I'm on trial and I feel uncomfortable looking after them.We usually have a brilliant time together but The Rules have upset me so much that I'm second guessing myself.
Any advice?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Please do what KillmeNow suggests and tell your son how disappointed you are that you didn't enforce better MANNERS from him. How dare he? Angry on your behalf.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Sorry - meant print out the 'Granny's House, Granny's Rules' as per KillMeNow's suggestion.

[HerrenaHarridan]

No presents at all?

Fuck off. Tbh, you don't own children ffs. They are part of a family.
No bulky presents, fine. No noisy presents, fine. Don't give them a present EVERY time, fine. No presents. Fuck off

No sweets at all, unless there are health issues then this is too far.

Bed by 7, mostly I agree with sticking to bedtimes but for occasional visits not the end of the world.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Manners should be expected!

[diddl]

TBH, even if OP were providing fulltime free childcare, I don't necessarily think that it should be her huse her rules. But no trests whilt holidaying with he seems extreme imo.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

With adult children, what you have to do is suck it up a bit. They had to live by our rules when they were young, it doesn't do us any harm, as grandparents, to live by their rules now.

Instead of thinking your son doesn't trust you, or that you're under Ofsted-for-grandmas, think instead that your son and his wife have rules about how they bring up their children, and have kindly written them down so that you can follow them and do what they think is the right thing.

Then, keep the rules. [And laugh quietly to yourself every time they break them.]

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Would the rules then apply to Ds and Dil when they visit too?
It crossed my mind that they (ds, dil, or both) may be jealous of the good time you are having with the lo. That would shift this dynamic from the realm of tips and boundaries for minding the child to simply controlling you…(don't have fun with their child lest the child begins to like you best). There would still be lots of fun to be had around their structure.
Although I do agree that encouraging good manners is valid across the board but would not need to be written down.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I didn't quite catch your last line there, PBITW. I didn't intend to repeat your idea.

[ZenNudist]

I think these rules are reasonable. They are rules I'd prefer my mil followed. The toys and present thing is especially annoying as they get older and want to bring things home.

It's insulting to see it written down. Why wouldn't you get then to have good manners? Why wouldn't you observe their bedtime? The rules are easy to stick to, even the spoiling them with treats and presents.

Personally if my dc are being looked after by DPs or ILs I just leave them to it and am grateful.

As it is I'd be telling them you find it rude and hurtful and not doing then any favours any time soon . Suggest that they chaperone when dc visit to save them worrying about the rules.

[ZenNudist]

Also could you clarify if you are doing any daytime childcare for them? Don't let them hold you to ransom seeing your dgc.

[tobysmum77]

So they don't trust you but they are leaving their children with you . That is a very high level of trust imo.

If gps bleated my house, my rules at me they wouldn't look after them. Gps don't have a right to look after gcs without the parents being there. If I can't trust them then I can't leave gcs. And yeah I turned out alright but there are things my parents did that they will NEVER do to my kids (and they know it)

That said the method of delivery is a touch rude.

[Nanadookdookdook]

Well I'm a granny. I was recently telling my DD (in a tactful way I thought) not to start giving DGD pudding. No one needs puddings and if you aren't brought up to expect one you won't. However I was pointedly ignored (of course I and my DCS had pudding but that was the norm then).

And I never buy toys, why when their house is full of them.

I have second hand toys at my house but they are Not given as 'Oh. look what DGM has bought for you' or 'here's a special present for you' . They are just in the house for them to play with.

I am a sugar fiend and really don't want my GCs to develop the cravings I have.

DS is being tactless but I think the rules are not unreasonable.

[Yarp]

The rules are OK.

The mode of delivery was crass in the extreme.

Did they do this in front of the child? Was this about sending him a message, rather than you?

[Yarp]

Actually, i i k the routine rules are OK, but not the presents thing. They need to chill out, or talk to you if they feel you are excessive in your gift giving

[TheMaddHugger]

They gave you the rules in this way for a reason

this doesn't just happen out of the blue.

[TheMaddHugger]

People.... the OP isn't telling us ALL of it. Obviously she only told of HER side of this.

I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle between OP and her Son

I want to hear HIS side

[wheresthelight]

unfortunately I agree with everyone else that there has to be more to this than the op is revealing. however based on my own experience with my Dm I suspect that she is completely oblivious to her own behaviours.

my Dm criticised everything mil did with dsc's and then promptly does exactly the same including overruling dp when he reprimands his own kids. she was not impressed at all when I laid the law down of abide by his wishes or don't see the kids after months and months of trying to be subtle about it

[TheHermitCrab]

Nanadookdookdook you give your DD rules on what to feed her child i.e. pudding? (despite the fact you did it, because it was the norm) I would ignore you too, her child, her way. When she was young I'm presuming you did things your way? If any grandparent even tactfully suggested something like that I would tell them where to put their nose.

Now as for the OP - You haven't really responded to anything anyone has said? I don't know if it's because you don't have regular access to the internet or because you just wanted to vent and walk away. But nobody after 4 years just prints something like that off out of the blue... There's clearly more to this.

I.E too many treats and the little un is playing up or demanding more from the parents due to it being the norm at grandma's. Or they have been regularly playing up and you just don't see it because you are the doting grandparent i.e. the manners rule. I would think it would be common sense that manners are used, so maybe your son thinks your grandchild is basically taking the piss out of you, and that this attitude could expand to other people they should be courteous to?


There's just not enough info...

[Nanadookdookdook]

Nanadookdookdook you give your DD rules on what to feed her child i.e. pudding? (despite the fact you did it, because it was the norm) I would ignore you too, her child, her way. When she was young I'm presuming you did things your way? If any grandparent even tactfully suggested something like that I would tell them where to put their nose

Well, exactly, my point was it works both ways, 'as you would tell them where to put their nose' you would probably also give them a large print list of rules. People are very protective of their DCs, GPs and DPs, and imo the OP shouldn't take offence, just make sure she appears to keep to the rules and not expect them to accept her way of doing things.

[TheHermitCrab]

I don't think it does work both ways like that. As a Grandparent you should not be interfering in whether your DD is feeding her child pudding (in their own home!), it's her child, not yours. If it was something serious you had spotted with a grandchild or a very sensitive subject maybe, but over the sake of pudding why even bring it up? That's just being a busy body grandparent.

From the other side is different. I find it very hard to believe the A4 sheet came from no where. IT's likely that DS tried tactfully saying "please don't do this" because it is causing a problem with their child after the visit to the grandparent's is over.

I have a grandparent like this in my family (not a grandparent to my child) but one who the grandson is shall we say excitable and overactive. Despite friendly mentions of "oh no sweets today he's been very aggressive" or "don't get him worked up after tea with DVD's late at night he has a big day tomorrow" The grandparent is "ooooh he'll be fine" and carries on on her own sweet way (while agreeing to/ignoring the instructions while the parent is there). Grandson is clearly and angel because he's getting everything he wants, only to be an absolute pain with parents afterwards because he doesn't get what grandma lets him have.

Total clash of grandma letting things be "the norm" that the parents are trying to restrict for reasons of their own = unruly child.


Complete guessing game though as the OP seems to have gone AWOL

[Golferman]

Fuck that, when we have our grandchildren it is our 'rules' and take no notice of what their mum wants. We spoil them rotten and they get loads of stuff they are not normally allowed.

[TheHermitCrab]

Ah good old grandparents teaching the children to ignore, disobey and belittle the parents rules all so they get brownie points... mature.

[wheresthelight]

golferman would bot be seeing my kids with an attitude like that!

[TheHermitCrab]

Agree Wheresthelight.

And those kind of grandparents will be the ones complaining the grandkids never get to visit anymore...

[livelablove]

I do think it is a respect thing and should go both ways. Parents should listen to GPs advice respectfully and especially if they are a childcare professional like the OP. Of course they may choose not to follow the advice and likewise the GPs should be respectful of their choices. Also parents should be a little flexible about GPs way of looking after the DC and take into account how often they visit and so on. If it is several times a week its a lot different with regard to sticking to everyday rules vs. once a month or less. The question is how will you feel if your DC grow up and decide your way of parenting was all wrong and refuse to let you have any autonomy in looking after their DC. Or give you a laminated list of rules.