The Rules and Granny

[maur33]

Last week my son gave me THE RULES for his 4 yr old children on a piece of A4 paper with large text. It's not my place to disagree with how they have decided to bring up their children but I found it very hurtful that it was especially printed out for me. At first I thought it was like new targets for my failed performance management in grannyhood, that it was extremely controlling - even passive /aggressive but the bottom line is that really he obviously doesn't expect me to do my best by his children - and that is what hurts.
I love my grandchildren very much but now I'm aware that I'm on trial and I feel uncomfortable looking after them.We usually have a brilliant time together but The Rules have upset me so much that I'm second guessing myself.
Any advice?

[ConstantAcceleration]

I think it sounds pretty reasonable. Perhaps a slightly cack-handed way of doing things, but the rules are reasonable and not everyone would have the same rules so how else is he to tell you what he wants for his children.

If you don't want to follow the rules, have a discussion with him.

If it's just about the way he handled it, then I'm surprised as a seasoned teacher you don't have a slightly thicker skin.

[ginnycreeper5]

Maur, do you provide free childcare?

If so, then your son has got a real cheek setting down rules!
If he's paying a childminder, then yes, rules are appropriate. But any parents that expect Granny to put her life on hold to look after their blimmin kids AND expects her to follow rules and regulations are WAY out of order.

[vitabrits]

It sounds horrible and over the top to me.

I left an infant and primary school child with my parents recently for the day - first time for them babysitting the infant, and a rare occurrence for the older one too as we don't live close. Anyway I wrote a list of baby's favourite foods, what fluids they could give (still breastfeeding) and a short list of foods to avoid for choking risk (I know the last one was ott but I couldn't help myself). I also asked them to do a bit of the older one's homework with her.

I think that's as far as I'd ever go, can't see myself ever writing out rules, that would be rude I think.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

My mum was a peadiatrician, but she has done some boarderline insane stuff with her grandchildren on occassion (leaving crawling 12 month old DN in an antique rocker unaccompanied while going to another part of the house to get a clean nappy because he was getting too heavy to carry about, thinking a 4 year old was old enough to supervise a 2 year old by a river and holding the 4 year old 100% responsible when the 2 year old fell in - none the worse for it very luckily...) She did equally insane stuff when we were children, but I didn't think about it til I had kids... Being an ex teacher doesn't necessarily prove anything...

But I suspect it is a communication issue not a safety one here, and that the kids are coming home hyper and taking a long time to get back to normal after a night or two with granny.

[pinkpeony]

All the rules are pretty acceptable (basically part of their daily routine) except for the no presents except Christmas/birthdays. Surely it's up to you to decide if you want to give your grandchildren presents! Your son should just be grateful for your generosity.

Typing them up in big print on A4 is just completely wrong, unless he has asked you / spoken to you about them many times and you forgot or chose to ignore them. Even then, he should still talk to you first and give you some explanation.

My own parents tend to want to feed my DCs with lots of the industrial kinds of sweets/chocolates with plenty of E-numbers in them, so I sort of sympathise with that one. They don't see them often enough (live in a different country) to cause any long-term health damage in DCs so I tend to let it slide.

[Cerisier]

Maur- I feel very upset for you about this. I would never have insulted my DM or DMIL with a list like you were given. I hope he didn't laminate it and stick it on the kitchen wall.

Whatever the other side of the story is, producing a print out like this is not on. He is a grown man and if he had something to say to his DM he should have said it.

[whatdoesittake48]

I have also presented granny with a timetable of the kids routines. But becauseshe asked for it so that she wouldn't interfere with what we had set up.Yourson may have talked the rules through with the kids and wanted to make sure they were enforced with you too. For the kids sake. not to question your parenting skills.
Wiring the down probably just felt more efficient than talking them through with you.

[Fairenuff]

Whatever the other side of the story is, producing a print out like this is not on. He is a grown man and if he had something to say to his DM he should have said it.

Well maybe he did say it Cerisier. Yet another OP who starts a thread with a tiny bit of information, then buggers off. Bit rude for a first post isn't it

[ChillySundays]

I would sorely be tempted to put the list on the fridge for all to see and if they say anything about no cake or ice cream (because they haven't banned those yet) I would say hang on I just add to the list of rules'
Trips to the cinema or other places are not present so you can spend money on trips. If you buy something to be used at your house only it is not a present.
I knew someone years ago who banned the GPs from taking the kids to McDonalds but it was ok for the parents to serve up nuggets and chips at home.
GPs are there to spoil to a certain degree. My DC uses to end up eating ice cream at 10 o'clock at night but since they were there invariably there for free childcare I shut my mouth as it wasn't often

[Quitelikely]

If they gave you those rules it indicates to me that you aren't doing those things and they would like you to.

Re the gifts, you are absolutely within your rights to buy toys for them to use at your place unless the parents are providing you with play things. Nevertheless I suppose they want the dc to appreciate new toys and they feel like they are getting them too frequently at your place?

[Fairenuff]

Yes, I'm for real.

I do think it's odd though to come on to a new forum, start a thread and then not even reply.

If you know you can't be around for a bit, it would be more polite to wait until you knew you had time to engage with posters.

This thread is so one-sided at the moment, it's impossible to give advice requested.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

Faire she did reply at 12.02 - perhaps she hasn't used forums much...

These things are always one sided though - 80% of the time the only resonable answer to an AIBU is "there is insufficient information available to form a fair conclusion" :o but this isn't a court of law... :o

[Fairenuff]

And this ain't AIBU either

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

Well true Faire :o But people can and will only post from their own point of view all over any internet chat or support or whatever forum... The "other party" never gets to have their say, and people can only speculate about the "other side" in most cases...

[Fairenuff]

I just find it strange that the children are 4 years old and, according to OP, these rules have just suddenly appeared from nowhere.

Isn't it more likely that the son has been telling her, for four years, how he would like his children treated and she has just ignored him and gone on doing it her own way which has led to him actually writing down the rules in large print so that there can be absolutely no misunderstanding whatsoever?

That's what I would like OP to clarify if she ever comes back.

[AMumInScotland]

I do think we need to know a lot more about what happened before this printed list was handed over.

Comments like "It's not my place to disagree with how they have decided to bring up their children " in the OP suggest to me that she has disagreed with how they bring up the children, and that maybe this is something that has been brewing for quite some time.

It certainly seems odd to me that a parent of 4yo children would suddenly do this without there having been any kind of previous issues leading up to it.

[AMumInScotland]

Fairenuff I think you and I are on the same track on this one...

[Fairenuff]

Yes, something doesn't add up here.

[5madthings]

Well it sounds odd, though the rules are okish but why do it now? I like fairenuff think there must be some build up to this.

My kids go to grandparents over the holidays, they go one at a time and I know they will get puddings everyday and come back with a small treat but that's fine. They tend to stick to regular bedtime and the kids get one on one time with doting grandparents and yes maybe a little bit spoilt but they love it. Obviously if they were providing childcare on a regular basis the treats could not be as often but they are not close enough to provide regular childcare.

I have never had the need to lay down rules but then my parent's and in-laws have similar rules to me and we have a decent relationship and would talk over any issues.

[pippinleaf]

My sister and various friends always leave me with a MEGA list of instructions when I babysit. I'm happy for them as what calms one child down isn't the same as another and it reassures me that I'm doing the right things by their children. I'm also a primary teacher and I'm sure I could cope perfectly fine without 'rules' but I wouldn't get knickers in a knit about them.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

That is true ...

OP how often do you have the children, and has your son been asking you more politely to do the things on the print out for years? Do they come to you for free childcare or because you like to have them - both are nice, but do you think your DS and his wife might be on the verge of not letting you have the children over night any more because of these issues?

[TeaForTara]

OP, can you tell us more about the lecture he gave when handing over the rules? What has been said after previous visits? It really does sound as though there's a backstory that we're not getting.

It reminds me of when a friend of the family was doing some work for me. We would agree each morning what needed doing that day, then I would come back later to find he had done something completely different. All with the very best of intentions, and he always had a reason in his own mind for why he had done something else, but it drove me absolutely mad, because he had AGREED what he would do that day, it wasn't just me imposing on him. I ended up writing a list in BIG writing on an A4 sheet each day. He thought I was unreasonable. I eventually ended the arrangement because I couldn't trust him when I wasn't there to keep an eye on him.

[SelfLoathing]

When you have your grandchildren to stay for a few days it's lovely to give them treats, the circus and candyfloss or the seaside and icecream. or hide a Kinder egg etc.

Of course. And you are right to do so. I really don't know what is the matter with parents today. "No sweet things" FFS!! Organic alfalfa all round eh?

It's part of the pleasurable childhood memories of being with your grandparents.

Moderation in all things. The occasional treat at granny's won't kill them.

Saying please and thank you/bed at 7pm is fair enough I'd say. Part of their routine.

No presents??? Same as "no sweet things".

I think you need to have a calm chat with your son and tell him how "the lecture" (which sounds the worst part of all of this) made you feel.

[Meerka]

well there's been at least one person posting who suggested completely ignoring the rules and undermining them at every turn.

if that's what the OP has been doing (hopefully not!) and the parents have tried talking about it reasonably before now, then I can really understand their Rules. A grandmother who undermines and twists everything to ignoring what the parents say isn't fit or trustworthy enough to be looking after the grandchildren.

There's a middle ground and those rules sound fairly reasonable to me, if a bit strong on the No Sweets/Presents thing.

If she has been following the requests of her son and DIL about the way the children are looked after, then it's really odd that this came out of the blue. If there's no reason at all for them to have done this, then yeah it's a bit offensive.

But even so I still think the best thing is to try to respect the parents' wishes while laughing a bit at the way they've handled it.