The Rules and Granny

[maur33]

Last week my son gave me THE RULES for his 4 yr old children on a piece of A4 paper with large text. It's not my place to disagree with how they have decided to bring up their children but I found it very hurtful that it was especially printed out for me. At first I thought it was like new targets for my failed performance management in grannyhood, that it was extremely controlling - even passive /aggressive but the bottom line is that really he obviously doesn't expect me to do my best by his children - and that is what hurts.
I love my grandchildren very much but now I'm aware that I'm on trial and I feel uncomfortable looking after them.We usually have a brilliant time together but The Rules have upset me so much that I'm second guessing myself.
Any advice?

Ok having a mil who adores my son can I say:

Ds gets away with murder in their house (no manners needed at all) and when I arrive there's always drama as he has been let run wild for the day. I totally get that nana wants to spoil him but he still needs manners. Now I wouldn't dream of typing out rules but every week I plead with mil not to accept bad behaviour. He's a great kid everywhere else as he knows his boundaries.

Re the toys, I can kind of see their point. I would ask before producing them. Just mention that a friend passed on some old toys and is it ok for the kids to use them.

Bedtime, how will they know ;)

Treats, I trust mil to give reasonable amounts & to be honest she's more likely to give less than I would.

I think it's an absolute nerve. I can understand parents saying they don't want their child to have sweets, sugary drinks and so on. But a list on A4 paper.

I think these rules are a little sad in part. From those rules you can't treat your grandchildren to a sweetie or little toy? Is that what they're about?

For us, I leave it up to my parents/ILs how they deal with their GC. Our view is that grandparents role is to spoil their GC and they do. And it's lovely for them all.

Why not ask him what's behind it?

I can't see why they would object to you keeping toys at your house - they're not really 'presents' if the toys don't go home with them.

Bedtime and sweets rules - again, best discussed rather than written down. Maybe you have given them a lot of sweets, and they think it best not to encourage this. Maybe they have asked you not to, and you have sneaked more sugar down them :)

But ask him why he felt the need to write it down?

He may be especially fussy - you will know him best!

I don't think it's worth being hurt by it, personally.

I think you need to tell your son you're hurt and upset by this, and that he needs to tell you face to face what he feels you've done 'wrong'. Because to me it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, so there's clearly a conversation to be had. Perhaps the rules weren't meant to target you and they've just been very clumsy in explaining it to you?

I wish my DS's grandparents were more like you!

Really cheeky and very rude. The stuff they have stipulated against is regulating normal grandparent behaviour. I'd be sticking it in the bin. If they have problem with slightly late bedtime and Kinder egg hunts they can get free overnight childcare elsewhere. And keeping toys for them at your own house is not presents. It's just good practice t save your sanity. How else do they think you should entertain them?

Maur what you do sounds fine, lovely in fact...

Perhaps your son and his wife are struggling with the kids when they come home hyped up though - this is normal, but perhaps they can't cope? My kids come home "high" and wild from my in-laws, and usually take much longer to get back to normal than they've been away for... but this is par for the course, a bit like "coming back down" after a birthday or Christmas, its hard to readjust back to boring normality. Its OK when the kids only go 5 or 6 times a year, but would become frustrating if they went every couple of weeks...

How often do you have your grandchildren? Does your son normally communicate well with you? I think you need to chat to him to clear the air - this is probably about how they cope when the kids get home, not about not trusting you while they are in your care.

Is your son socially awkward?

It sounds such a weird thing to do, unless you are maybe on the spectrum and not great with understanding other people's emotions

It sounds like a "good idea" from someone who does not get the nuances of human interaction.

I think the rules sound reasonable.

Has he told you all this verbally before and you've ignored him, pretended you didn't hear/understand or forgotten them?

I can see him saying no sweets and you trotting off and giving them candyfloss and kinder eggs because it's fun and they like it.

But if he says no sweets, you should really respect that.

My DS's granny has been known to hide a handful of sugar cubes in her pockets and takes pleasure "sneaking" them to DS like he's a small horse ... it's ridiculous, but I wouldn't dream of printing out a big sign saying "DO NOT FEED CHILD SUGAR CUBES"! If it really bothered me, I'd just tell her.

I really think you need to speak to your son about this.

What is your relationship with dil like? Do you think this could actually be coming from her via your ds?

Btw the rules sound acceptable, perhaps there's proven reason behind them in the sense that your gc comes home to his parents acting like little Damian after one too many E numbers and not enough sleep / reprimanding, however the way in which these rules have been delivered to you sounds quite condescending at best, when a chat could have sufficed.

Oh, I see. So you got a lecture with a handing over of said rules. That does sound a bit harsh, and I can understand why you would take it badly.

To be honest, I know you say they are 'ok' - but the rules sound a bit draconian to me. No chocoalte and sweets at all, and no 'presents' for 4 yr olds at all. Seems quite harsh.

Did your sone give you a reason for these rules?

And has there been any times where some of this has been expressed before?

TBH I don't think it's that bad for parents to request certain things of grandparents, particularly if there is a behavioural problem or specific issues, but I'm leaning towards those who say this is out of order.

Sounds like you need to sit down with your son and talk it through and understand the reason behond the rules and what probelms there are. Initially I would focus on this, as your hurt may be unintentional and you can raise it after understanding.

But some of these I just wouldn't agree to. I might go along with what some of the others have said - a basic message of 'if you want free childcare then I do it my way' but you may well then get the result of them not leaving the kids with you.

I think if they are staying with you for a few days as a "holiday" iyswim, then that puts a different light on it.

Hand me down toys & 2nd hand stuff from a car boot to use solely at yours hardly strike me as presents tbh.

And a treat/sweet/chocolate on a day out goes without saying doesn't it?

Perhaps the kids are demanding the same from their parents & they can't/don't want to?

Would a talk help?

Surely it's a given that home is home & GMs is GMs?

Putting the rules themselves to one side - it sounds like its the delivery that is the issue, so talk to him about it. Don't let it fester.

What happens at granny's stays at granny's.

Your son sounds a right prat and I wouldn't let it get to you.

Take it on the chin and do it your way.

I would make a big gooey chocolate cake and melt a bar of cadburys ontop of it.

Keep a supply of toothbrushes, bibs etc overalls etc when they eat it

Hide the clocks so they can't see the time

Please and thank you ....fair dos

As for the rest there's more than one way of skinning a cat.

I wouldn't refer to the rules. I wouldn't let him see it bothered me.

I would just stage my own quiet rebellion.

Then I'd send him up....as in oh we are taking them to the park/ beach etc ...have you a few more of them rules?

The delivery is awful, BUT - it could be an accident that it is awful. Perhaps he thought that making a proper poster would be more light hearted than just handing you a list. And those rules are more about the child.
I would honestly just talk to him.

I think the no chocolate and treats isn't totally unreasonable. I don't think it matters , personally, and it's lovely to treat. But your time is more important than chocolate. The kids don't NEED it. If they feel really strongly against it, it's not necessarily a criticism of you.

I agree with the other posters and talk to him about it. What was in the 'lecture'? What is critical of what you do? I'm assuming that you aren't stuffing him full of rubbish but that it is the odd treat. It sounds as though they are taking all of the fun out, no presents (if he is staying it is useful to have toys there for him to play with), no sweets, no Kinder egg hunt. It sounds OTT.

On the whole my parents and my ILs give them treats sensibly (sometimes gets a bit OTT - FIL I'm looking at you - chocolate covered raisins are still sweets) and I expect them to be a little bit spoilt. I just see that as the GP / GC relationship. So long as it isn't causing big issues at home for his parents I think GP / GC having fun together is really important.

So, why do you think he suddenly decided to print off a set of rules and hand them to you with a lecture?

You want us to tell you that he's being terrible, but we don't know anything about what led up to this point.

If, for instance, the last time you had the children there you fed them on nothing but chocolate, bought them tons of stuff they don't need, and let them stay up till midnight, after having been told kindly and politely on previous occasions that this was causing problems, then we might say that he had a point, no matter how badly he expressed it.

It seems unlikely that he's been perfectly normal and sane for 4 years while you've been looking after them without any issues coming up, and then out of the blue printed off a sheet of instructions and gave you a stern talking to for no reason at all.

Also you could add and while you are at it you could design a nice name tag for me with my address on in case I get lost so someone can post me back home!

Sometimes a bit of humour diffuses the situation.

I think we are only getting one side of the story here.

Somehow I don't think she's done that mum

And if she has it's not going to kill them.

OP are you honestly saying that these rules have come completely out of the blue? That they have never been mentioned before and you were not aware that they wanted a specific bedtime or no sweets?

Also, what's with this comment: At first I thought it was like new targets for my failed performance management in grannyhood

It sounds to me like this is an ongoing issue and that you are just not listening to your son. Therefore he has resorted to The Rules in large print writing so that you cannot fail to understand his wishes regarding the care of his son.

What do you think?