Trying hard to be reasonable. Have I been unfair?

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Husband had an affair. Level of deceit and lies terrible. Kept us both on the go while he told me I was his soulmate, do anything to keep me etc. I found out affair ongoing started divorce proceedings. He accused me of ruining his life but moved straight in with ow. Children were upset did not want to meet her. He said they had to but if they didn't like her they would not have to see her again. Since this meeting he's not seen them at weekends or holidays for 6 months ( does some childcare in week while I work) every time I see him he says he loves me not her and is miserable. I was delighted when he said he'd like to take them out for the day. Kids said they wanted to go but not if ow was there. He said it would just be him but she managed to mysteriously "turn up." I have no issue with them seeing her but very upset by the lies. I've also told him I don't want to hear more of his talk of love and wanting me back. That to me is deceiving her. Was a bit aloof with him today and wouldn't let him come with me for our son's birthday meal. Don't want to play pretend families. His mum has just phoned me, launched a tirade of abuse and accused me of upsetting her son. Have I made a difficult situation worse. In tears as tried so hard to keep this civil for the children. How do I stop this getting even nastier.

Do you think it would be unreasonable to ask him and his girlfriend to have them for a whole weekend once a month. I accept what you're saying they're his kids he can see who he likes. Have I been overprotective. They don't like her. I'd love to have the odd weekend to catch up in everything. I've asked him before but he says their home at her parents would not be big enough. I think them taking them out late, arriving back wound up and upset and me then having to get everyone to bed is really hard. Would him having access away from me help?

I think you should definitely stop hosting his access to the children. He is an adult, and can make his own arrangements for suitable places to see his children. You do not have to host and clean up. What nerve.

regarding his mother - serious question here - do you really honestly care what the rude, unpleasant woman says or thinks of you?

If you do, you have some work to do on your self esteem.

If you don't really care, at base, then just whip the froth of caring off the coffee of indifference ... if you see what I mean.

I am sorry to say it but I think in this situation if the children really don't want to see him / himnher, then I don't think you should ask him to have them for the weekend.

Agreed about he needs to make his own arrangements for hosting the children.

Are you afraid he'll gradually loose interest and loose touch with them?

You sound like you need a more formal contact arrangement rather than relying on anyone's goodwill. The DCs should have access to and a relationship with both parents and it's usually in the DCs' interest to make the arrangement regular, consistent and predictable. That will make them feel more secure than an ad hoc schedule that no-one sticks to.

So maybe talk to your solicitor and propose something reasonable in writing. If he doesn't have a place of his own yet it's not a reason to back-pedal on the co-parenting. As regards the OW, there has to be some sensitivity shown towards the DCs but, with the best will in the world, they don't have the last word over the adults in their lives.

I think you need to find alternative childcare during the week. Then he will possibly be more keen on seeing them at the weekends - out of your house of course.

He lied to you, he lies to his mother, he likes to the OW - what exactly have you done wrong - nothing! I would spend as little time as possible in his company if I was you, he's a complete Walter Mitty and wouldn't know the truth if it hit him square between the eyes. Let his mother think what she likes, she's not important!

Aside from all other things he wants to see the dc.

I would certainly make sure that each weekend your dc were nicely away with their father.

As for the OW she will have to reap what she sows. If she want to take a man on with four dc then let her crack on with it.

As I picture the chaos I can see the lust drain from her body!

I'm so naughty I would even tank them up with haribos before their visit! See how she likes that!

Even if they don't like the OW they haven't had a chance to get to know her so they might warm to her. If they don't let it be your exs problem. You relax and look after yourself when they are away. And even go on the odd date!

I've had a discussion with him. I suggested it would be better if he saw the children away from my home. He told me it was not up to me that I can not control the situation. He is joint owner of the house until it sells so he can come and go as he pleases as he's not coming to see me he's coming to see his children. He also claims he said nothing to his mum that provoked her outburst. I still feel so sad that I've been accused of being a "manipulative, vindictive, twisted controlling bitch who's brainwashed her children against their daddy"..There is no evidence of any of this..I never say a word against him to the children in fact we don't mention him at all we just get on with life. Is he right legally can he come and go as he pleases

No he absolutely can't. What a horrible, nasty man he is. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You need to talk to your solicitor though and put this all in writing.

Of course he can't. He may be a co-owner but he is not entitled to swan in and out. Even if he wholly owned the place as landlord and you were just a paying tenant, it wouldn't mean he can invade your privacy.

Agree with the PP. Put your offer of contact outside your home in writing, get your solicitor involved, formalise the agreements as soon as possible and put this nasty man back in his box. It's a shame that he can't be amicable but that's life. You can't be reasonable with someone who is determined to be unreasonable or you will come off worst.

It's really helpful coming on here and getting some perspective..He's very good at making me feel in the wrong..If I try to make a point back he says "shut up, just listen stop being so controlling you're not in charge it's not all about you"..I know that but I'm beginning to feel out of control of my own home..I'm so desperate to sell it so he's not coming in and out. I've tried so hard not to make this difficult for everyone. I am over his affair..they really are welcome to each other..I think when my mother in law thinks I'm using the children to get at him she is looking at it from her perspective..She thinks he's the centre of the universe so assumes everything I do is related to him.

Yup, time to formalise the contact arrangement.
Solicitors are great, because they don't care about any "he said/she said" stuff: they just deal in legal certainty and cold hard reality. It's a HUGE relief to go through that dispassionate channel when you are faced with unreasonable people or emotional issues.

BTW.. now that you are an independent woman, it actually is 'all about you'. :) When you were a couple with him it was 'all about us' but he ditched that idea. So now in your life you come first, your priorities are the top priorities, your feelings, needs, wishes etc are more important than anyone else's. You are looking after #1, it's all about you from now on and in a very positive and constructive way.

Send MIL Bit 's response.

He is a prize twat. He tells you to shut up? I'd walk away then and there. 'You don't speak to me that way. I no longer have to listen to you at all.' And then don't engage.

See a solicitor to formalise access.

Also, do NOT delete those messages from your MIL.

Legally you cannot change the locks as the house is also in his name. Quite a few people on here will tell you that you should not change the locks.

But, oh, damn you have lost the keys, what to do? Have to change the locks now, safety and all that. When ex tries his key in the door you tell him that you lost the keys and had to change the locks. He asks for a key, you tell him that yes, you will give him a key. Several weeks later he asks for the key, oh you forgot, scatter brain will get right on it.

If and that is a big if he decides to take it to court to get a key it will take weeks and weeks, and by then hopefully your house will have sold.

Definitely get a formal contact agreement in place, he maybe co-owner of the house but it's now your home. My friend was in this situation with an ex who turned up whenever however a solicitors letter resolved it. Where are you will divorce proceedings?

Your ex will have to accept that this is the transition phase and he needs to work towards getting a place where the children can visit and stay overnight. In the interim he will need to take the children out.
Over time it's possible that the children will learn to tolerate OW but he can't decide the timetable. He seems to have a high degree of entitlement (and his mother is doing him no favours by not making him accountable for his actions).

Yes you are trying to be in control - of your own life and home..nothing wrong with that.

What's the situation with the house, can you get it on the market so that you start to have an independent life? I kept the family home and in reflection it wasn't the best decision as it always felt like my ex's 'home'. When I did eventually move it was a fresh start.

Come on now OP. Get your logical head on. I am a lone parent to 4dc too. You are coping and working and a fantastically strong woman. Too smart to be playing into the idea you are being unreasonable.

He cheated. He chose to move in with her. He lied to his children and to you about her not being there on this outing. You have been honest with your children and not fed them any lies.

Of course he's going to behave like this. He isn't in control and he knows it. Of course his mammy is going to back him up, she's not going to admit her parenting was cramp for her son to be behaving like this.

What your children need is stability just now. And love. And truth. Until this father and grandmother can give tem that tell them to take a running jump.

Your response to your husband should always be: if you wish to contacted please either email or put it in writing. Go to your solicitor. Reply to everything in writing. And don't let either of them intimidate you. You have done nothing wrong. Remember that and imagine you were your child and this was her husband. You wouldn't tell her to put up with his shit now would you. Be strong. Stay in control. You will come out the other side of this with dignity and the respect of your children. That's all that matters.

Why do you care what he thinks, his morals are in the sewer.

Thanks so much for all your advice..it's making me feel so much better. It has been hard, working and doing all the childcare and then having these accusations thrown at me..Your advice has galvanised me in to action..I'm going to look into getting an au pair, the divorce is ongoing although the judge has now questioned why ex husband is paying none of the costs so will phone my solicitor and discuss all this while I'm dealing with the cost issue ..Just reading all your comments makes me realise it is my life not his, the frustrating thing is the house is on the market but just not selling and that makes me feel trapped. Onwards and upwards to get these idiots out of my life..He said I have to accept we will always be linked as we have the children, I suppose that's true but him meandering around my house is a step too far! I have no desire to control anyone, looking at this more logically it's him and his mother who are attempting that!

Wow! Good for you. An au pair sounds a fantastic idea and will give you some respite and freedom.

"One of the very few advantages of your son being a lying, cheating adulterer, is that I no longer have to pretend to give a damn about what you think. Do not contact me again."

Oh yesss! I would SO send that! Yet again I wish I'd had mumsnet when I was going through my break up.

Mojito is spot on - you are not linked.

Stop worrying about whether he thinks you are 'controlling'or 'manipulating' - you are doing what you need to; if he doesn't like it, he can take it elsewhere.

You sound far too nice, op. Stop him just walking into the house. Get legal.

And as for MIL - def send something along the lines of ^ the above. You don't answer to him, and you certainly don't answer to her

It will actually be rather lovely never to have to listen to the tedious stories again. Lost count how many times I've heard about the triumphant time my husband first used the potty, what a remarkable little boy he was etc, etc. irony is we had a really amicable arrangement and the children never saw any arguments. Husband all pathetic yesterday saying it wasn't his fault his mother had behaved like that. I asked him for one example of me using the kids as a weapon. He acknowledged I never have. Silly woman said she wanting to give me a few home truths. Sadly those truths were all in her head. You're right her son will have to take the children to her now. He bothers to see her about once every 8 weeks. I feel bad she'll never see them but I can't have that behaviour in my life.