Husband diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

[dreamingofblueskies]

I posted back in August when I found out that my husband had been exchanging sexually explicit messages on facebook with an old school friend.
I decided to give us a go and started going to marriage counselling.

At the end of September it then turned out that he had done it (messages on fb) with 2 other women previously, which totally shook my world, as I had been starting to process the initial shock and had seen a very small light at the end of the tunnel. It had apparently progressed over a year from increased use of porn to live web cams to the fb messaging and his therapist says that it was sex addiction.

Anyway, I have stayed with him and we are still trying, and now he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This diagnosis fits him to a tee, with the exception of the abuse to other people, he has never been emotionally or physically abusive to me or anyone else, in fact he's the complete opposite, he's too nice.

He says that he thinks about killing himself regularly but would never do it, the thought of me and the dc stop him apparently. He started cutting himself but told me the next day when I asked him what his coping mechanism was and has now stopped, as far as I know.

The problem I have is this - I am still incredibly hurt, angry and confused by what he did, and can't find it in myself to be as understanding as I feel he needs me to be. I feel like my feelings have to take a back seat in order for him to deal with this diagnosis and I just don't find it fair, which I know is selfish, but I can't help it.

I still love him and if it was someone else then I could of course see why he did what he did just from looking at websites about BPD, but as it's my husband who's done this I can't help feeling that if he wanted to he could have stopped himself from doing the fb messaging.

I suppose what I'm asking is, does anyone have experience of a BPD dp/dh, and if so, can it get better?

Sorry for the long message.

I honestly thought that we could work through this

He needs to work through it. The problem is not you, and you can't fix it, no matter how much you love him, or shower him with motherliness, look after his every need. He will still be as he is because, as you have realised, he is not doing anything but sit about letting you do all the work. And until he does the work, he will stay exactly as he is now, and you will run yourself ragged trying to achieve the impossible.

Keep that epiphany at the forefront of your mind.
You did not cause this. You do not control this.
You cannot fix him.

I am terribly sorry.

He may manage it, but only if he puts a lot of effort in. He doesn't need to put any effort in because everyone else is doing that. So stop. The only chance this marriage has is if you stop and he has to face the consequences and take them seriously.

Well yesterday after I told him that I wouldn't be trying anymore he has been fluctuating.

First he says he's strong enough now to sort it out, then he started self harming again last night. I told him he didn't have to hide it from me anymore because I didn't care. I realise that he'll do it no matter what I do. So this morning he wants me to look at them (the cuts) because they show how much he loves me, WTAF?!

I told him to pass me the scissors so that I could do it too (not because I wanted to, but to try and show him how I feel when he does it). Obviously he was horrified at the fact that I would do this, his double standards are astounding. I asked him if I carved 'I heart Mr dreaming' in my skin would that prove how much I love him? I'm starting to wonder at what point do you get someone to go and get some residential care.

Now he's back to being Mr strong again, I'm sure that'll change in the next half hour though.

Couple of things from your post.. Firstly re anger and SH is a way of controlling emotions. It also can be anger directed inwards.

Secondly you are still trying to make him see sense. It was explained to me once by a psychologist that Ex had stopped Emotionally developing at a very young age. so when he is responding he is almost responding like a 2 year old.

I am afraid he has to find his own motivation to get well. I am sorry but the CBT homework is a sign he isn't desperate to change. It is hard to understand but in his turmoil he is familiar and a hard place to want to drag yourself from

He does come across as a child, the way his emotions change from one second to the next make me think of a kid trying to keep someone happy when they're angry with them, even his face looks like a child's. It's heartbreaking in a way, I wouldn't treat my children like this so its hard to treat him like this, even though it's for his own good.

You need to prioritise obtaining professional advice as to how to respond him because no matter how well intentioned you are, a lot of the responses that come naturally to us actually perpetuate the problems. Co-dependence, collusion and other dysfunctional aspects of relationships come into play.

I understand where you where coming from re the scissors/self harming episode BUT it escalates the level of emotion that is being expressed and actually he won't suddenly go "Oh I see where you are coming from so now I will stop". He will increase his attention asking actions instead and you will both risk becoming locked into a mutually destructive cycle of reaction/behaviour.