Husband diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

[dreamingofblueskies]

I posted back in August when I found out that my husband had been exchanging sexually explicit messages on facebook with an old school friend.
I decided to give us a go and started going to marriage counselling.

At the end of September it then turned out that he had done it (messages on fb) with 2 other women previously, which totally shook my world, as I had been starting to process the initial shock and had seen a very small light at the end of the tunnel. It had apparently progressed over a year from increased use of porn to live web cams to the fb messaging and his therapist says that it was sex addiction.

Anyway, I have stayed with him and we are still trying, and now he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This diagnosis fits him to a tee, with the exception of the abuse to other people, he has never been emotionally or physically abusive to me or anyone else, in fact he's the complete opposite, he's too nice.

He says that he thinks about killing himself regularly but would never do it, the thought of me and the dc stop him apparently. He started cutting himself but told me the next day when I asked him what his coping mechanism was and has now stopped, as far as I know.

The problem I have is this - I am still incredibly hurt, angry and confused by what he did, and can't find it in myself to be as understanding as I feel he needs me to be. I feel like my feelings have to take a back seat in order for him to deal with this diagnosis and I just don't find it fair, which I know is selfish, but I can't help it.

I still love him and if it was someone else then I could of course see why he did what he did just from looking at websites about BPD, but as it's my husband who's done this I can't help feeling that if he wanted to he could have stopped himself from doing the fb messaging.

I suppose what I'm asking is, does anyone have experience of a BPD dp/dh, and if so, can it get better?

Sorry for the long message.

Having a problem with the psychiatrist side of things as his has been sent to Sierra Leone to help deal with the Ebola crisis, so he is in between psychiatrists, which is not helping, also our marriage counsellor has gone on holiday, so all his/our support has gone at once.

He has been put on a desk job for now, he is only allowed to work half days and won't be sent away til at least March. They are pulling out all the stops as when he was first diagnosed with depression they didn't take him off active duty, as he is a senior rank there were some days when he was the one in charge of the guns - not a sensible move on their part.

He does want to get better and is trying, it's fascinating to see him talking about his feelings in our counselling sessions as it is something he has never done and he is finding it incredibly difficult.

He says that it never escalated to anything physical with anyone and I do believe him.

As for help for me, is that something I could access through my GP or would I have to go through the military and his psychiatrist? (When he gets one)

Dreaming

It is a GOOD sign that he is discussing his feelings.

Re help for you. you could try MIND- your local branch should be able to point you in the direction of support groups and info.

Your GP and local CMHT can also help. I'm not sure what the military support structure for spouses is re MH but I would certainly encourage you to ask them. When he gets allocated a new psych then I would ask your husband to make an appointment for the both of you with time for you to speak alone. Your husband needs to acknowledge your needs regarding this.

Re Sierra Leone- does he cope better when he is in a busy, 'needy' situation where he feels he is helping others? I really hope they are monitoring him closely. The army is not very good at MH generally- I have treated so many former service people just left to rot basically. I imagine it might be better whilst you are in service?

dreaming
I agree you need both support for yourself through GP, also maybe counselling for yourself.
AND for you to talk to his psychiatrist so you know how you can help/support and what is part of the illness and what isn't as such.
Not sure if it actually exist, but maybe a support group too for people with BPD and/or partners?

If your DH is away at the mo, them I think this us the perfect time for you to look after yourself to be as strong physically and emotionally as you can before he comes back, learn as much as you can re BPD and get a support network around you.

Tbh I think that learning that your DH has a MH issue like this (or a disability etc) is very hard to get your head around. IMO there is a strong sense of loss/grieving because you know things will never be as you though they would be.
It's also essential to look after yourself and be 'selfish' in that way because you can't keep giving and giving bat some point, it will affect your health (physical and mental) and then you will gave to stop giving altogether if that makes sense??

Again another idea, you could look around and see if you could get stories of oeople who successfully stayed together after such a diagnosis. This will help you see what your DH has to do (eg taking responsibility for his own health) and where you might need to give him some slack (but always within your own boundaries).

Sorry just realised that I misread your last post. It's his psychiatrist that is away not your DH....

I am in a state of bereavement I think, he's not the man I married and he's not the man I thought he was, the man I thought he was would never have hurt me like this. I just have a big black hole where my imagined future was

He does do better in situations where he's busy, we've just moved house so he's throwing himself into jobs to do, which I'm not sure is a good idea.

He's in the navy, not sure if they're any better at MH than the army, you'd think that the army would have to have the best due to the terrible situations they are sent into. I do think he's been left to dangle at the moment, he had to chase them to get another counselling appointment and that's not until next week, his last one was almost 2 weeks ago.

This morning he came up with a theory that he was born 'evil' and just pretended to be good for 30 odd years and now his true sense is coming out. I can't figure out if this is just fishing for reassurance, almost forcing me to say 'you're not evil' or whether he truly believes this bizarre idea.

If you can't figure it out it's because you're not a therapist or a trained doctor. We're dealing with a severe mental illness in our family at the moment - a form of dementia - and it's horrendously difficult when the person appears to have been 'replaced' with something else that looks & sounds like them but is talking rubbish. Keep shouting for support, especially if he appears to be deteriorating.

If there is a hope in hells chance of you staying in a relationship with this man, then you are going to have to learn to look after yourself pretty damn quick, for you and your children's sake.

You have every right to feel angry, frustrated, hurt, neglected and confused, his diagnosis doesn't and shouldn't invalidate your feelings. He is responsible for managing his diagnosis and that expectation isn't unsupportive but realistic. No one benefits on you suppressing your feelings and assuming responsibility for something and someone who is beyond your influence.

Right now, prioritise and focus your limited energy resources on those most in need and right now that is your children and their mum.

Cogito your first line of your last message made me laugh. The other day he said 'if a trained counsellor can understand that doing this doesn't mean I don't love you then why can't you?' I did point out to him that that was like saying 'if Stephen Hawking can see how the universe works then why can't you?'
Sorry for your family situation, it must be horrible.

definitely get some counselling for yourself separate to anything you do with him.

you could also ask about some play therapy/art therapy for the kids if they been suffering or witnessing anything.

set your boundaries.

"so I have to try not to get angry with him for worry of what he might do to himself. " -where a reasonable person might get angry so can you; you don't have to walk on eggshells. it is for him to learn how to handle life's stressors.

there is a book on amazon Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

might be useful. www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

My EXh had bpd. I read a book at the time may be dated now called stop walking on eggshells. It is written for carers/partners/ parents of people with BPd

X post with ceslavie

The thing that doesn't match with his BPD is the abuse part of it, does the 'Eggshells' book deal with other things as well as that, or is it mainly on how to cope with the abusive side of the condition.

The fact that he isn't abusive does make me slightly unsure about his diagnosis. He is literally the least abusive person you could meet, he says that everything about me is perfect (I know full well I am far from perfect) and everyone who knows us says he idolises me. I do see that this may be the 'intense relationships' side of the condition but he has been able to spend 6 months away from me with his job without cracking up.

Not everyone matches every aspect of BPD perfectly. There's a checklist of several different traits, you have to meet quite a few but not all to be diagnosed. If a consultant psychiatrist has made the diagnosis, it's probably right! If you doubt it, can always ask for a second opinion.

If he's not abusive, it doesn't mean the diagnosis is wrong. iirc, there's quite a few other criteria eg shaky sense of self, self-harm, quick emotional changes, anger issues ... there's some more. Rejection issues and black-and-white thinking are two

It sounds like he has black-and-white thinking where you are concerned. If he's going to get better, he might have to face up to the fact that you're imperfect and a real person, not an ideal.

You're going to go through the grief process, as one would with a bereavement, you're mourning the loss of a relationship you thought you had. You will naturally feel hurt, angry and lost and it is really important to get some help yourself. If you look up the cycle of grief then you'll probably relate to those feelings.

Good advice re seeing your GP, that's what I did and they were great, I was referred for counselling which has done me no end of good.

I started reading 'loving someone with bpd' but I found it a bit wordy and hard going. I also read 'bpd for dummies' which was useful and laid things out well. I found that learning more about it helped.

My H idolised me too, it all stemmed from attachment issues and he saw me as his constant. I felt under immense pressure because of this but don't let his needs overtake yours, yours are just as important. I struggled with why, if I was this amazing person to him, I wasn't enough for him to deal with his problems sooner and stop the behaviour. The truth is, no one would ever be enough, only he is able to deal with it by facing up to whatever has caused it. You did not cause it, nor can you control it. It took me a long time and a lot of talking with my counsellor to finally accept that.

Keep talking, it's the only way you will work through the confusion.

Wow couldn't that's exactly what I think, if I'm so great then why couldn't he stop what he was doing and think about me? If you don't mind me asking are you still together with your husband? And if you are did things get any better between you all?

No, we're no longer together, I ended it because I realised I could never be ok with it and I had to put myself and my dc first. A bloody tough decision but the right one for me, I feel like a fog has been lifted.

Things got better to begin with, he opened up and whilst what he told me destroyed me, it gave me hope that things could be ok. Over time though he went back to being closed off and couldn't, or wouldn't, fully face up and deal with his deep issues. I couldn't wait around, being a parent to him too, to see whether he would get better.

Hang on tho if you are perfect in every way why would he seek sexual flirting with others ?
Surely you being everything to him would make that unnecessary....

And the putting you on a pedestal that you are saving him from hmself..it s a massive burden on you. He would kill himself if it wasn't for you..etc. depends how he is saying it but it s possibly manipulative.

That's the thing, cestlavie, nothing will ever be enough. Until the cause is dealt with he will seek an escape in something else. With bpd that escape can be gambling, drinking, reckless promiscuity/sex, the list goes on. There can be a real feeling of self hatred, that they are not worthy of anything or anyone and 'if they knew the real me then they would hate me too.' The behaviour continues and self perpetuates.
You're absolutely right about it being a burden and manipulative. Whether that manipulation is intentional is open for debate. It can stem from a deep fear of abandonment, 'this is how much you mean to me, please never leave me.'

I told him he was being manipulative before we went to marriage counselling, he basically said (but not in these words) that if I wasn't going to go to marriage counselling (I was reluctant) that he would kill himself, not as bluntly as that but that was the general gist. When I said that he was emotionally blackmailing me he didn't see it that way at all.

I told him this morning that he needs to take responsibility for his treatment, I looked on his emails last night and saw an email from his therapist from over 2 weeks ago with some CBT for him to do, he hasn't tried it once. Only after I mentioned it has he now printed it off, apparently he was waiting to feel calm enough to do it.

Basically I think he needs a mother, not a wife. I said to him 'I'm sorry your mum wasn't a 'proper' mum, but I can't be your mum.' I'm very wary about mentioning his mum, as her death almost 3 years ago seems to be the catalyst for this, but I need him to know that I'm not going to be nagging him to do his 'homework.'

I am walking on eggshells as to what I say to him because whenever I say something 'angry' to him he says 'you're right, I'm just being stupid, I need to just deal with it,' I've told him that that is not the way he will get better but all he sees is my anger and frustration, not my love for him. I know I should tell him I love him but I am so angry that I don't actually want to right now. I would have hoped that the fact I am still here shows him that I love him, but probably not. I have given up so much for him over the years, I am a completely different person to who I was before I met him, but he still can't see the love I have for him which makes me feel like all the sacrifices I have made for him mean nothing at all.

Threats of suicide are abuse. Not doing what you need to do to make a marriage better is a form of emotional abuse. Making you feel responsible for mothering him is abuse.

Abuse takes many forms. It needn't be in the form of overt physical aggression.

I had an epiphany this morning while I was hanging out the washing. I was busy thinking of ways to make him feel better when it struck me that although he's the one who broke my heart I'm the one who's spending time trying to make him feel better, surely that's not right?!

It's been 3 months since I found out about the first messages and I still feel as wretched as the day I found out, he has done nothing to improve matters, it's all been totally one sided, I'm the one who got shit on yet I'm the one doing all the work. I honestly thought that we could work through this but now I see that we can't.

In a nutshell.... You need to focus on you. You deserve help all of your own. You shouldn't approach everything through the prism of him. He has responsibilities to you, to himself and to his profession. I am deeply concerned that the forces have allowed him access to weapons. Deeply concerned that they are letting him fall through gaps whilst new psychiatrists are brought in.

Please focus on YOU. And do not let him make you feel guilty for it. If he loves you then this would be something he'd support.

What lilannie said, you must focus on you. You've made a big realisation today and to admit it all to yourself is difficult. He's getting plenty of support and sympathy but it is actually you who deserves it as you have done nothing wrong and somehow have to deal with all of this. How are you feeling now?

Ah yes when you try and try to do things to make them happy... That is an epiphany indeed.
You can't make him happy. Happiness comes from within...
Do nice things for someone sure. But if a reasonable person would be happy and he is still not .....