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Original poster

Help, Low sex drive, doctor recommeded counselling,

46 replies

youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 12:19

After getting together when I was 17, I fell pregnant aged 21 and then again at 25 and now am 26 with 2 young boys. I have a very low sex drive, which has always been a problem with my husband. A few weeks ago he said he was so fed up he sometimes wonders about having sex with a one night stand. After this I went to the doctors, who after making sure it was hormones or anything medical has reommended counselling. Has anyone else had counselling for this problem and does it help?

OP posts:
SoMuchToBits · 03/10/2006 12:20

How low is low?

Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 12:22

Once a every week or even 2 weeks. But most of the time I dont really want to do it, I just think I had better "reset the clock", so that we get on.

OP posts:
SoMuchToBits · 03/10/2006 12:24

I don't think that IS particularly low for someone with two young children.I think your dh is being a bit unreasonable.

Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 12:29

Well he says that he has put up with it for 6 years now and he really wants me to do something about it. Its causing him to be pissed off with me in other areas.

OP posts:
TutterIckOrTreat · 03/10/2006 12:30

that's not unacceptably low - he's delluded

mumblechum · 03/10/2006 13:54

What's your husband going to do about HIS behaviour to help?? Will he organise childcare for a weekend so you can go to a nice country house hotel and shag like rabbits???

Or will he just leave you to work all day and evening and expect you to shag joylessly just to keep him happy?

Spidermama · 03/10/2006 14:03

It's totally normal. Just another in built conflict between men and women which seems designed to make our needs diverge and our lives together very difficult I'm afraid.

I think the Doctor is a prat for recommending counselling. There's nothing wrong with you. Why don't they ever recommend counselling for men for being dirty bastards who want to be at it all the time? Eh?

Good luck. I know it's a stressful situation.

Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 14:32

I suggested this and he did organise a night away on my birthday to a lovely country hotel. However I was 5 months pregnant at the time and that night we had another argument as all I wanted to do was eat chocolate in the bath and watch tv! So he says he has tried that and it didnt work.

OP posts:
Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 14:32

Has anyone actually had counselling for a low sex drive?

OP posts:
Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 14:32

Has anyone actually had counselling for a low sex drive?

OP posts:
SoMuchToBats · 03/10/2006 14:35

Does he help much at home, or does he expect you to do most things? Also, does he treat you well in other ways, e.g. complimenting you, spending time with you, and being affectionate even if it doesn't lead to sex?

If you are doing everything at home, and he isn't very caring, then I'm not surprised you don't feel like it after a hard day looking after the children.

Enid · 03/10/2006 14:37

counselling

dh would be delighted with once a week

SoMuchToBats · 03/10/2006 14:37

And no, I haven't had counselling, and don't know anyone who has (although I suppose it's not the sort of thing most people would talk about in RL is it?)

SoMuchToBats · 03/10/2006 14:38

I don't think you need counselling btw, I think your dh needs to be a bit more tolerant.

Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 14:40

He isnt too bad really, he does nothing in the house, but can be away from home during the week. He is always wanting affection from me. I am happy to cuddle etc but sometimes back off in bed as he always takes it a step further.
I am just wondering if couselling is actually going to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 14:40

He isnt too bad really, he does nothing in the house, but can be away from home during the week. He is always wanting affection from me. I am happy to cuddle etc but sometimes back off in bed as he always takes it a step further.
I am just wondering if couselling is actually going to help.

OP posts:
Spidermama · 03/10/2006 14:53

I know exactly what you mean youngmum. I have become less likely to want to cuddle because dh always wants sex. It's a vicious circle. Could you let him know you'd like to cuddle without having to go further and say, perhaps, sex is totally off the menu for a week so don't try, and you may cuddle as much as you like?

My dh likes sex when we're not getting on very well as it's a way of him feeling close to me again whereas I need to feel close in the first place to want sex. Difficult.

SoMuchToBats · 03/10/2006 14:59

Yes, I think it's often that way round spidermama. Men seem to need sex to be affectionate. Women need affection to feel sexy.

Spidermama · 03/10/2006 14:59

Yet another in-built tension. Cheers mother nature!

Original poster
youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 15:09

Spidermama,
What do you do then?? Do you and your husband fall out over it?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 03/10/2006 16:28

Is the GP recommending that you both go to counselling, or that it's just for you? Seems to me it'd only work if both of you go. Relate seems to have a good track record.

It reminds me of that Woody Allen film where the couple are in counselling and when asked how often they have sex, the woman says "constantly, he's insatiable - 3 times a week!" and the man says "almost never - only 3 times a week!"

spider is absolutely right, women need affection which leads to sex, men need sex which leads to affection. You both need to compromise and make an effort to keep the other person happy. As to frequency, everyone's different, but if we have sex less than 3 times a week, it's because there's a problem, but having said that you wouldn't want to just go through the motions, as it won't be satisfying for either of you.

Spidermama · 03/10/2006 18:09

Youngmum we do fall out over it sometimes. Sometimes I just do it to please him but not as often as once a week. There are times when I enjoy it and then our relationship is better all round.

JoolsVoodoo · 03/10/2006 18:35

Article in the DM today with section on FSD

"There is no current treatment specifically for FSD, though testosterone, which has been known since the fifties to boost women's libido, is sometimes prescribed. However, it is not officially lecensed for this use. Side effects include skin problems and excess hair.

FUTURE TREATMENTS
PT-141 - Nasal spray containing a hormone which affects parts of the brain involved with appetite and sex frive. It significantly increases arousal in men and women, but it will be martketed to women first. The 18 women involved in the first trial reproted 'strong [sexual] desire'. Side effects so far observed include a runny nose and headache.

FSD500 - Cream containing nitroglycerine, this relaxes blood vessels, increasing blood flow. it will be available over the counter within the next two years.

Intinsa - Testosterone patch rcently licensed in Europe for women whose ovaries have been removed. Studies show it produces a 74% increase in 'frequency of satisfying sexual activity'. side effects - see testosterone. Could be available next year.

Buproprion - Anti-depressant licensed as an aid to stopping smoking and to treat ADHD. Increases dopmaine levels in the brain, so increasing sexual arousal. Claimed to be the latest treatement for global orgasmic dysfunction. No licence date yet. Side effects include dry mouth, tremors, anxiety and loss of appetite.

apologies for any typos!

Tinkerboo · 03/10/2006 18:39

Once a week seems pretty good to me. Your DH needs to read mumsnet and re-adjust his expectations.I think men are sometimes under the illusion that every one else is at it constantly, whereas we women talk to each other and know that's not really the case!

lilymolly · 03/10/2006 19:42

we are going to relate for my problem with low sex drive. I have dd 9months old and we NEVER do it!! so once a week sounds normal to me???
Having tea now so will post more about counselling later. What do you want to know??

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