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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help, Low sex drive, doctor recommeded counselling,

46 replies

youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 12:19

After getting together when I was 17, I fell pregnant aged 21 and then again at 25 and now am 26 with 2 young boys. I have a very low sex drive, which has always been a problem with my husband. A few weeks ago he said he was so fed up he sometimes wonders about having sex with a one night stand. After this I went to the doctors, who after making sure it was hormones or anything medical has reommended counselling. Has anyone else had counselling for this problem and does it help?

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Original poster

youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 23:28

well just what to expect really. I feel a bit stupid going to counselling about this to be honest!

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handlemecarefully · 03/10/2006 23:42

Yes - went to Relate and no it didn't help. What will help is when my children are that bit older and I get a bit of respite (and start to feel human again, and start to expect to have needs and have these fulfilled. Currently I don't exist as a person in my own right, so why would I have a sex drive?). The same might apply to you...

Original poster

youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 23:43

how old are your kids?

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handlemecarefully · 03/10/2006 23:45

2 and 4. I haven't had more than 4 consecutive waking hours 'off' from childcare since 2005 (when I was working)...it's so simple to me. If you are spent and tired from domestic drudgery and childcare, and rarely have a moment to yourself...your not likely to be chomping at the bit for some rumpy pumpy!

handlemecarefully · 03/10/2006 23:47

From September 2008 when ds (my youngest) starts school there will be no stopping me I'm sure, I'll be down that Ann Summers quicker than you can say 'Lets get down and dirty"

Original poster

youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 23:48

Just been discusing it with some RFs tonight and they say similar stuff. I dont think DH realises how much there is to do in the house etc and how that takes over.

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handlemecarefully · 03/10/2006 23:50

...and how dispiriting it is not to be able to find more than 5 minutes to do something for yourself all day!

Original poster

youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 23:54

yes exactly

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Original poster

youngmumoftwo · 03/10/2006 23:55

and then to be nagged to do something to please someone else!

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GoingQuietlyMad · 04/10/2006 15:14

I think that hits the nail on the head. Your whole day revolves around servicing other people's needs. Then just as the kids are finally in bed, and the housework is kept under wraps for the meantime, you get a few precious moments to unwind. Then DH decides it is time to make his move, and it feels like it is back to servicing needs again.....

I think there are loads of people in the same boat as this. Why not send DH off onto the internet to research ways of getting your interest back into it. But ban anything in advance that you know you don't want to do. Put the onus back on him since it is him that wants it more often.

Northerner · 04/10/2006 15:22

This old chestnut again. I think every couple goes through this at some stage or another (sometimes more than once!) Men think about sex all of the time, its a testosterone thing. Women don't. My dh thinks if he didn't instigate it we'd never do it (he's probably right )

I sometimes think back to that reckless abandan I had when we first met when we'd shag at every given opportunity, grinding against each other in a night club, shagging till 4 am in the morning not watching the clock and not caring about turning up for work knackered and full of stubble rash.

What happens to us? Why do we allow life to get in teh way of enjoying ourselves, because it shouldn't just be about servicing dh. It should be about us too. Sigh.

I wish I was 19 again

Original poster

youngmumoftwo · 04/10/2006 15:56

I would love to be 19 again!!! My husband says the same thing, that if he didnt instigate it, it would never happen. I think we need to change the time we have sex, I would prefer it in the morning!

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MsBionic · 04/10/2006 16:43

Once a week??!! he's lucky

Have you spoken about this to him?

My libido has been up and down for years (pardon the pun!) and thankfully my DH is very understanding. I'm lucky because we can talk freely about sex - likes and dislikes and if I say no he'll please himself (if you know what I mean ;)). The poor soul has gone without for weeks but because we can talk and he doesn't sulk when he doesnt get any (which puts most women off in the first place) I'm more likely to want sex.

But this doesnt help you if your DH won't talk...

weepingwillow · 04/10/2006 17:40

I don't actually feel that your husband is unreasonable to want sex. It is one of the few things between you that doesn't involve the children. I understand that you are tired 'not in the moad', but men are simple creatures and it must feel hurtful to them. How about alternating between a blow job and a more active session. He'll be satisfied and still feel desirable and it only takes a few minutes!

lilymolly · 04/10/2006 19:38

Hi, sorry just got chance to get back on here.

We started relate sex therapy in June, and following some history taking from the therapist, we have established that the issue with us is mostly my fault.
I have issues with control stemmed from childhood, and issue with the fact that I was a late starter and found it extremely painfull for years as I had vaginisimus spl? therefore I have created a viscous cycle where as sex hurts sometimes therefore I do not want to do it iyswim?
We have gone back to basics where sex is banned, and we have to do these massage sessions with NO sexual touching at all to regain the sensuality back into our relationship. the3 no sex ban takes the pressure off us, but finding the time after long days with dd and dp at work, is really hard, and to be honest we end up lying at our therapy session as we simply cant be arsed to do it half the time. There in nitself lies a probem very commen with all mums, we are soooooo knackered at the end of the day all we want to do is crash out on settee with tv on. So to the normal couple where there are no issues with sex like you are describing, then I think its a matter of finding the time and energy to do it!! HOWEVER
if there is one of you obviously having some issues with the lack of sex, as your dh does, then I think you must address this, in whatever way you can. He must either appreciate that once a week is all he is going to get, or you may have to up it to twice, its all about compromise. It is no good us mn rs telling you that once a week is great, if your dh is not content with that amount. this will only lead to other issues raising their ugly heads.
It may be worth your while going to relate to discuss al this, and nip it in the bud before it excaltates out of control. Good luck, and dont end up like me xxx

mumblechum · 05/10/2006 10:22

I think you're right Lillymolly, how often other people have sex is totally irrelevant to the man who doesn't feel like he's getting enough. Ignoring his feelings is dangerous if you want the marriage to work.

joelallie · 05/10/2006 11:52

But I'd love someone to say to this DH (and many others) that ignoring the way his wife/partner feels isn't acceptable either. Don't act like a spoilt brat 'cos you're not getting your end away. It's not abnormal to only have sex once a week. What if the man in this case wanted to have sex twice a night? Would you say that she had to perform just once a night to keep him happy as a compromise. Life changes and we have to change to keep up with it - no one persons needs come first.

MsBionic · 05/10/2006 12:02

Bravo! joelallie my sentiments exactly. I know its a two way street but there is nothing sexy about a sulky man!

I hope you can discuss with him like grown-ups and sort things out because sex is a very important part in a relationship. Sometimes what's called for is re-think of likes and dislikes and be brave.

Lets face it when kids come along life changes and so does the relationship between husband and wife. So try and have a laugh about it and hopefully find some common ground and maybe learn some new things!!

lilymolly · 05/10/2006 17:02

Totally agree with everything said, the only point I was making, was if you do not get issue sorted, then other problems may occur, or sex issue becomes more intense iyswim? Not suggesting we should all lie down and take it for england to keep them happy, but their is 2 people in a relationship, and some compromise has to be reached I think, cos yeah life does change and people change etc, but most of us want to stay with our partners, so I think we have to work at it.

MsBionic · 05/10/2006 19:55

Lillymolly I wasn't suggesting that when the relationship changes than thats the end of the marriage. What I meant the huge life changes, like having children, mean that you have to adapt and compromise which certain aspects and thats what i call working it out...

Original poster

youngmumoftwo · 06/10/2006 14:27

Thanks for that molly, I do agree, and that is why I am going to th counselling. I have kept all this bottled up and havent spoken to anyone, even my closest friends as I just assummed that I was a bit of a freak and that everyone was doing it every night! Now I have actually started to discuss it with RF and MNers its really given me the confidence to confront it.

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