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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF won't have sex with me.... Getting me down

35 replies

Anyone1234 · 28/10/2014 14:44

I got pregnant unplanned and to start with BF didn't want the baby! After he came round to the idea he was really excited but from the day I got pregnant the sex totally stopped! He said it just didn't feel right knowing his baby was in there!

It wasn't just sex pretty much any intimacy including kissing and cuddling stopped as well, he doesn't find any part of pregnancy attractive!

So know the baby is here I'm 100% back to my pre pregnancy size and shape and I'm more than ready to have sex again and for the past 3 weeks have been hoping to but every time he just says he is to tired etc!

It kinda came to a head last week and I got upset and asked him if it's me he is just not attracted to and he assured me it wasn't so last night he planned a nice quite evening for us and cooked!

Before dinner we started kissing and a little foreplay begun but he didn't get hard and after only about 2 mins said the baby (who was sleeping) was looking at him and it wasn't right, so said don't worry we will have dinner first!

So evening goes on and we just sit on the sofa and I get the vibe that sex is bid off the cards! So cons midnight we go off to bed!

When we get into bed he says "oh I came over all tired after dinner sorry about that" again I get upset and ask him what's really going on, as it's now been a year we haven't had sex for and again I get upset and cry and he promises me it's him just being lazy, and that he loves me and finds me attractive and he is not interested in anyone else but the pressure is getting to him!

So anyone got any ideas what's really going on! I told him when I was pregnant that the lack of intimacy was going to be rally hard to get back after baby came and he assured me wouldn't but he just appears to have no sexual interest in me at all!

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 28/10/2014 15:17

I know this will sound trivial but isn't intended to be: Do you think he may have a whore/Madonna complex?

& now you have had a baby he sees you only in the role of the Madonna mother and has a mental block seeing you as a sexual being

It was this bit that made me think this could be possible:

said the baby (who was sleeping) was looking at him and it wasn't right

Original poster
Anyone1234 · 28/10/2014 15:30

Cheers

I don't know maybe! But if that's the case how do we overcome that?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/10/2014 15:36

Perhaps he associates sex with getting you pregnant, and that's something he wants to avoid?

Vivacia · 28/10/2014 15:36

Either way, I think you (pl) need to talk to a professional.

TheHermitCrab · 28/10/2014 15:36

I was going to suggest the same thing as CheersMedea..

Doesn't sound like he is a bad guy or that there is anything suspicious going on, but doesn't seem to be able to separate the you (that is still you and wants sex..etc) with the you that is a mother...

thisisnow · 28/10/2014 15:38

I don't think I could get down to it with a baby lying there, even if he/she was asleep.

Original poster
Anyone1234 · 28/10/2014 15:44

It doesn't matter where we are, even if I snuggle up in bed he still brushes me off!

I'm just totally at a lost where to go with this as talking to him really gives not answers

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2014 16:09

I think he may be frightened about another unplanned pregnancy. Have you got proper contraception organized?

CheersMedea · 28/10/2014 16:11

I agree with Vivacia that he probably needs to seek some professional help to get to the bottom of the issue.

guitarosauras · 28/10/2014 16:13

Would he accept help?

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 28/10/2014 16:22

He might be feeling a lot of pressure to perform after such a long time and be to worried? Could you ease back into it? A week with lots of cuddles and touching, then move on to kisses etc. All when it's obvious it's not going to lead to sex.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 28/10/2014 16:30

How about taking the pressure off, and say you won't have penetrative sex for a while? Obviously he had an issue whilst you were pregnant, and it may just be a hangover from that. If you haven't had sex for a while he may be worried about 'performance issues' which is always going to be a passion killer. So taking the pressure off might be a start.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/10/2014 18:06

Some people aren't very sexual and basically look for excuses not to do it. What was your sex life like before kids?

RayaCarmen · 28/10/2014 18:12

This is really normal. Just google it and you will see for yourself.

Do you think he could be suffering from a minor pnd?

Anomaly · 28/10/2014 18:23

How long were you together before the pregnancy? What was your sex life like before? You say he didn't want the baby did he never want kids or was it just the wrong time?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/10/2014 18:26

Pnd? Fuck that. He's not had sex or even given her any intimacy all through her pregnancy. And men don't get pnd.

ArabellaTarantella · 28/10/2014 18:49

He clearly didn't want the baby, as you said, and you say he came round. Doesn't sound like it to me. He's obviously making sure you don't get pregnant again.

Original poster
Anyone1234 · 28/10/2014 19:29

Together 3 years before the pregnancy! Sex life was brilliant first two years but did slow down in the 3rd year. Which is normal I guess, we're still having it regularly just not all the time!

We both have children from previous relationships and both thought we were done! He does adore the baby

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 29/10/2014 01:53

Why are some men like this? Makes me think of Elvis? My friend told me ages ago that they had not had sex for ten years after the birth of dc. Long story short he was a porn and prostitute user and said it was her fault because she was fat? Not saying this is what is happening to you but some men do have a weird attitude and this needs nipping in the bud.

badbaldingballerina123 · 29/10/2014 02:09

Porn.

lostincumbria · 29/10/2014 10:51

Dear me, amazing how quickly a thread gets sidelined into porn/sex workers.

Let's try taking Anyone and her bf at face value. Take a step back and take sex off the table for a few weeks. Try kissing and non-sexual touching for a week - just arms, shoulders , neck etc. Lower your expectations of him getting an erection, wanting to follow through. Enjoy the intimacy.

After a week, introduce sexual touching but without intercourse or orgasms. Keep it up (!) for as long as you can.

There's a good chance that after a few weeks of this, things will be reset and you'll both be raring to go again.

Good luck.

Dirtybadger · 29/10/2014 10:55

Cumbrias idea (similiar to whatsthatcomingoverthehill) sounds like the sensible place to start. If he has issues with simply being touched, or touching you, without sex even being on the cards....then you have a problem.

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 29/10/2014 11:00

Depression that's my DPs excuse

lastlostmonkey · 29/10/2014 20:22

Is he uncomfortable because the baby sleeps in the room with you? Can the baby sleep in another room? I think you need to talk, talk, talk and take it slowly, don't expect to get back to what you had before straight away. Can you just start with kissing and cuddling and see if you can go on from there gradually? Sounds like he maybe feels pressured, and maybe some other issues as well. I posted about the same situation earlier this year and things have improved a lot. That was after years of v little sex, so I think it is possible to sort things out. Hope it improves for you, OP, it's a lonely place to be in.

Original poster
Anyone1234 · 29/10/2014 21:25

Thanks for all the replies I really don't understand what it's all about!

I would be fine to take it slow with just kissing/cuddling to start but we don't even do that anymore and really haven't done since I got pregnant!

We also don't live together so I would of thought seeing as we only spend weekends together he would be even more keen to have sex/intimacy!

I really just don't know how I can bring it up without making it worse now! We first spoke about this 3 weeks ago and he said it wasn't me and he loved me and was just being lazy and that next weekend would be different etc..... There has been 3 weekends since then and he has made no effort! I have now got to the point where I actually cover up around him and undress in the bathroom which is stupid as I'm 100% back to my pre pregnancy body and pregnancy was very kind to me and I didn't get strech marks or anything!

Wondering if best thing to do would be just to ignore it for a while, don't make any mention of it so if it's a pressure thing then that should help that?

OP posts:
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