Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Christmas dilemma

40 replies

Goodgonegirl · 28/10/2014 11:28

I have been with my partner for 3 years (we do not live together). We both have children from previous a relationship. We have previously spent one Christmas together while our children spent it with their other parent.

This year it is 'our turn' to spend it together while children are with their other parent (due to distance it is not possible for them to spend Christmas Day with one parent, Boxing Day with the other etc, )but this year his children want him to visit over Christmas so they can spend time all together.

I am not comfortable with this for two reasons. I am uncomfortable with them (him and ex) spending time together, even though they are divorced, and secondly I will be on my own, as my kids will be with their father. I have parents I could go to, but would rather be with him. I get that he doesn't want to upset his kids so should I accept that they should come first, or should I insist he spends Christmas with me and sees his children the week after?

Any suggestions or advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2014 11:35

If it's your turn to spend it together and you've got some kind of system in place, then insist that's what happens. Why are you uncomfortable about him spending time with his ex, though? Don't you trust him?

Fudgeface123 · 28/10/2014 11:35

He should go and see his kids, Christmas is all about the kids. I wouldn't try and stop him, it's selfish and a bit me, me, me. It's not like you'll be on your own, you can go to your parents. It's only a day

CheersMedea · 28/10/2014 11:39

secondly I will be on my own, as my kids will be with their father. I have parents I could go to, but would rather be with him.

Go to your parents. They'd probably appreciate it. It's only one day in a life time. No one is going to die. Personally, I think it would be a bit immature to insist he spends Christmas with you. You aren't a child, you see him all the time and as I said it's only one day.

Christmas is important to children.

getthefeckouttahere · 28/10/2014 11:40

how old are the kids?

SouthernOne · 28/10/2014 11:42

I am not in your situation, but would you want to be with a man that didn't put his kids first?

Will it be a flying visit, ie nipping in to see them open presents, or will it involve him having to stay over somewhere due to the distance?

I think for me it would depend on the age of the children.

I can understand you not wanting to be alone on christmas day though

FluffyMcnuffy · 28/10/2014 11:42

Erm yes you should accept the kids come first Confused. Why don't you like him spending time with his ex?

guitarosauras · 28/10/2014 11:45

I'd be really worried if I was with a man who didn't put his dc first.

How old are the dc?

guitarosauras · 28/10/2014 11:47

fwiw, it's my ex's 'turn' to have our dc but he's coming here with myself, my dp and the dc. The children come before us adults especially at christmas.

Original poster
Goodgonegirl · 28/10/2014 11:50

The kids are 15 and 16. So not young. But I do know rationally that their needs should still come first. The visit would involve 2 days stay due to train travel, and he would stay in the house with his kids and ex. I know he loves me but this does still make me uncomfortable for some reason.

OP posts:
getthefeckouttahere · 28/10/2014 11:52

3 years down the line, kids 15 and 16?

Nah, it doesn't sound reasonable to me. The kids will be fine without him, it smacks of an inability to move on by all concerned to me.

IsItMeOr · 28/10/2014 11:52

No, don't insist he spends Christmas with you. You would be incredibly mean-spirited to do that.

If he wants to go and see his kids, support him to go.

Could you have a special day together alone on Christmas eve/Boxing day instead?

IsItMeOr · 28/10/2014 11:55

15 and 16 is still young. From what I have observed, young people really value having special time with both parents together at that age, showing that they can still get on.

I think it helps them to know that everybody is okay to be together - and it helps for occasions like weddings down the line.

Could he get a nearby Premier Inn, or similar, so he's not staying in the house?

kinkyfuckery · 28/10/2014 11:57

Would you be welcome to join them?

If not, I'd go and stay with your parents, they'll likely love having you around without the hustle and bustle of the kids.

Vivacia · 28/10/2014 11:58

I think your feelings are very understandable. They'll be with their mum and close to friends and family without him. You'll be far more isolated.

I haven't a clue what to suggest other than to ask him to explain why the arrangement that previously worked is changing.

iwantgin · 28/10/2014 12:03

I thought you were going to say that the DC were young - like 4 yo?

I think at that age they are old enough to understand that a separated family might not want to spend time together. I certainly wouldn't want to spend Xmas day with my ex - nor my
DH's ex!

However - I suggest that you leave the decision up to him. If you tried to stop him either by demanding, or just getting upset about it - then you will be the bad 'un in the equation. I would do nothing. you know that you can always visit your parents if you want to.

Finally.. If he does decide to go-why not have a late/early Xmas with both of you and ALL the DC to do your celebrating then. A lot of people have to work things this way.

iwantgin · 28/10/2014 12:04

Does the ex have a new partner?

I bet she doesn't. That would be odd for the new partner to put up with ??

crazykat · 28/10/2014 12:08

Its a tough one and your feelings are valid. However its his decision really.

In your place I'd ask to go with him. Its not ideal but its a compromise and its not like you're in a new relationship even if you don't live together.

Riverland · 28/10/2014 12:11

15 and 16 is young, they will love having their dad for Christmas, it will mean a lot.

Your parents will love having you.

You and DH can have your own christmas, separately.

There is only one fly in the ointment here, and that is... What's your real problem, here? Fear of being excluded based on insecurity? Or what?

jingleballs12 · 28/10/2014 12:26

Can you go too?

StopStalkingMe · 28/10/2014 12:31

I can see your point. But.

I think the best thing to do is suck it up and although you will be uncomfy around his ex, make the best of it and go with him. It will show the kids and him a willing spirit. And for his kids, it shows them another person is there who loves them. Isn't that what matters at the end of the day? Everyone wins then.

Vivacia · 28/10/2014 12:34

I would suck it up, I don't believe in trying to control someone's choices, but I'm really not sure I'd be there when he got home Sad

Vivacia · 28/10/2014 12:35

They weren't with their mum last year, why didn't they insist she travelled and stayed near dad's over the Christmas period?

AMumInScotland · 28/10/2014 12:39

I think, at Christmas, what the children want should be top of the list when there are no practicalities that make it impossible. Even at 15 and 16 children still want to see both their parents if at all possible.

But I think the main thing here is that you feel uncomfortable with your partner spending a couple of nights at their house. Without any background to why you feel that, it's hard to say if you're being unreasonable. But, all else being equal, 3 years on from a breakup the idea that they can get along reasonably well for a couple of days is a good thing, not a bad thing, isn't it?

You and DP can celebrate another day, or make a big deal of New Year, or anything else to spend special time together. Christmas Day is about children and/or religion.

Pandora37 · 28/10/2014 12:40

Hmm, difficult one. I'd also ask if you could go as well, and stay in a travel lodge or something, although of course that depends on how well you get on with your DP's children. I'm assuming you have little contact, if any, with his ex so I guess it could be uncomfortable all round.

I can see why the thought of him going without you makes you uncomfortable. I'm assuming the ex doesn't have a partner? It would be very hard to say no though without coming across like the wicked step mother. If you can't go, or don't want to go, then I'd agree to it as long as he doesn't stay in the house.

Vivacia · 28/10/2014 12:42

I think at 15 and 16 we're old enough to understand that not everyone can spend time with us on Christmas day. We learn that some relatives don't get on, some of us work. In fact, I started working on Christmas Day at 15. We learn that Christmas Day isn't the be-all-and-end-all over the festive period.