Christmas dilemma

[Goodgonegirl]

I have been with my partner for 3 years (we do not live together). We both have children from previous a relationship. We have previously spent one Christmas together while our children spent it with their other parent.

This year it is 'our turn' to spend it together while children are with their other parent (due to distance it is not possible for them to spend Christmas Day with one parent, Boxing Day with the other etc, )but this year his children want him to visit over Christmas so they can spend time all together.

I am not comfortable with this for two reasons. I am uncomfortable with them (him and ex) spending time together, even though they are divorced, and secondly I will be on my own, as my kids will be with their father. I have parents I could go to, but would rather be with him. I get that he doesn't want to upset his kids so should I accept that they should come first, or should I insist he spends Christmas with me and sees his children the week after?

Any suggestions or advice gratefully received!

I think at 15 and 16 we're old enough to understand that not everyone can spend time with us on Christmas day. We learn that some relatives don't get on, some of us work. In fact, I started working on Christmas Day at 15. We learn that Christmas Day isn't the be-all-and-end-all over the festive period.

Oh for Gods sake! What sanctimonious drivel! The whole tone of this post is unbelievably annoying.

15 is still very young. Still part of childhood. This wouldn't a case of their father not being able to spend time with them on Christmas day, but of his partner making such a fuss that he chose to be with her instead.

"We learn that Christmas Day isn't the be all and end all". So yes - where there is a CHOICE for a man to be with his CHILDREN who are still 16 and under on Christmas day, or for an ADULT woman to throw her toys out the pram for no good reason and insist her partner spends a couple of days with her, what is really the right thing to do? Grow up I say.

The whole tone of this post is unbelievably annoying

Sorry

My own childhood was pretty much done by 15. I know I'm not alone in that, but it does colour my advice somewhat.

crawls back under her stone

If it's your 'turn' to be together then he should spend it with you I think. It's complicated I know and people should obviously put their children first, but if it's been year on year off and he had his children last year, and you are fitting in with this year on / year off system with your own x, then I think it would be a bit mean to you if he fitted in with his old family for christmas day just to keep his children happy. Yes, what his children wants matters, but at this point, wanting their parents together on christmas day would be a bit unrealistic. they must be used to the fact that they've split up, and if he does this leaving you on your own on christmas day i'd feel too low down on his list of priorities to prioritise the relationship in your shoes. I've dated a man with children. I know how it works, but there's juggling and there's being dropped to the floor, ykwim.

I agree with vivacia, my children go to their fathers after christmas. They accept this and would think it was weird for us to be together. my son saw a picture of his dad at house (before he could remember) and he said "look, Daddy in grandpa and grandma's house ?? "

Children come first, particularly in a divorced family when feelings of rejection arise so easily. This is even more the case at Christmas.

Vivacia what you said made sense to me. They are old enough to understand.

If it's so important that the 4 of them are together why didn't his ex come and stay with him last year? There's a big scale between popping in to say hello and swap presents and staying for 2 days, I'd suggest a compromise.
I agree that you can't dictate to him how he spends Christmas but I also know it's not something I could live with so if that's what he wanted I wouldn't argue but I don't think I could stay in the relationship.

Sorry blush
My own childhood was pretty much done by 15. I know I'm not alone in that, but it does colour my advice somewhat.
crawls back under her stone

& my apologies to you for the tone of my email.
No need for stone crawling.

*my post not my email obv.

I also know it's not something I could live with so if that's what he wanted I wouldn't argue but I don't think I could stay in the relationship.

It really amazes me how juvenile people get about Christmas. You'd end a relationship over something so trivial?

It's just one (or a couple of days). Sure it's nice to be with your partner but it really isn't the be all and end all. Frankly, I'd be quite happy if my DH said "this Christmas you go to your parents and I'll go to mine". I wouldn't mind. What's the big deal about everyone having to be together all the time?

I live with him! I see him all the time. & as I said, no one is going to die.

I guess that different people feel differently about things.

He should go spend Christmas with his kids. At Christmas it's the adults who sacrifice their day for the sake of the kids.

Don't be petty about it, I'm sure you can cope with a day to yourself.

It's the inequalities and inconsistencies and the continued family scenario I couldn't deal with rather than being too invested in Christmas, But I can see how my post may have come across that way. I couldn't deal with my partner continuing to stay with his ex so I would walk away- rather than ask for my needs to be put above children.

I think it would also be because id feel let down if we had agreed to alternate Christmas and then the plans got changed without considering me.