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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need your honest opinion ...sorry long post

29 replies

redstar · 02/10/2006 22:34

My DH has left me and 2 boys (5 and 7) a couple of weekends ago. To be honest I am quite glad to see the back of him.
He would be in a foul mood as he walked in the door from work and growl at me and the kids until he packed them off to bed so that he could light up a few spliffs(At first parents evening for eldest son DH was very stoned and acted a bit weird, I was really mad with him) He would wine on about his day, rant at the telly and be sarcastic about everyone and everything he came across. He had no ability to enjoy most situations, it was if he was just barely tolerating family life. Every six months or so he would go on a bit of a downer and I would get a rant about how I was ruining his life usually because I did not want to have sex with him more than about twice a week so was therefore frigid. To be honest, I need to have good feelings and respect towards a man to want to sleep with him and I was really not particularly having these towards my DH. He found it really difficult to care for the kids by himself when they were younger, so I got very little time to myself and I admit that it was a handful as my eldest had hearing problems and is on upper end of autistic spec so his behaviour was at times a challenge! Just before last xmas he had a sort of fling at work, swore no sex but met up with girl couple of times. To be honest that was it for me but I made a go of the marriage for kids sake. Last few weeks DH gone very cold and distant so I challenged him and he said he didnt love me. I told him to move out then, so he went to stay at his dads. He admitted at the weekend that he is now dating the girl from work...he wont admit it but no doubt this has been going on a while. I'm quite happy its over, kids seem fine with it, DH sees them every day.
Trouble is my family think I should be fighting to get him back for kids sake, that this is a midlife crisis thing and he will come crawling back eventually. To me its over and I think he has behaved unreasonbly but my family dont seem to think he has been so bad and say all marriages have their ups and downs. Please tell me I'm not going mad and I am well rid? But be honest and tell me what you think.

OP posts:
hairymclary · 02/10/2006 22:36

you aren't going mad and you are well rid.

that's my honest opinion. you and your kids are better off without him

TortUREoiseChamber · 02/10/2006 22:37

I'd say you are wel rid and you and your dc will have a better life without him there.

koshkaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh · 02/10/2006 22:38

If you were not happy then it is the best thing.

alexsCURSEDMUMMY · 02/10/2006 22:39

well rid . tell your family to mind their own.

teabags · 02/10/2006 22:40

redstar, I think you have answered your own question. My advice is to listen to yourself and your own feelings and not what others are telling you you ought to feel or do. You sound strong and like you have the strength to deal with this situation successfully
Good luck

carol3 · 02/10/2006 22:43

you are very brave, i'm in a similar situation but have'nt the guts to kick him out. I'm sure things will get easier now he's gone, as for other people's opinions only you know how he treated you and how he made you feel. Thats no way to live your life. I should know.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))).

wartywarthog · 02/10/2006 22:49

it's fine for your family to sit back in the comfort of their homes and pass judgement on you. they don't have to live with the reality. you should write down what it was like, so that when they start to wear you down you can read it and remember how awful he was. you're doing the right thing - trust your feelings and your instincts.

edam · 02/10/2006 22:52

Oh, you've done the right thing. Sometimes famlies just want us to be miserable because carrying on in the same old way is just more comfortable for them. You should be proud of yourself for having the guts to stand up for yourself and your children.

redstar · 02/10/2006 22:52

Thanks to you all. I think I've got my head straight but when you are right in the middle of it sometimes you arent so sure.
Carol3, sorry you are having a rough time. Is there no practical way out or is it the fear of going it alone that stops you? I am scared that I am now a single mum suddenly.

OP posts:
carol3 · 02/10/2006 22:56

no practical way as in tons of debt, also very scared of being a single mum even though i'm practically one anyway !

redstar · 02/10/2006 23:09

Really hoping things get better for you. You are right when you say its no way to live. Hope you have some support around you and can find a way to improve things.

OP posts:
carol3 · 02/10/2006 23:12

you to,
sorry didn't meen to hyjack your thread.
keep strong

moondog · 02/10/2006 23:13

He sounds like an utter arse.
Good riddance is my gut feeling.

jasper · 02/10/2006 23:38

You are not going mad.
You are well rid.
Good luck for a happier future for you and your kids x

BATtymumma · 03/10/2006 00:36

your only going mad if you have any intention of listening to yoru family!

this man is a complete waste of space and you are soo well shot of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2006 09:17

redstar

Think your family are mad frankly, not your good self. Its all too easy for them to criticise you but as has already been pointed out they do not have to live with the day to day reality of him and his behaviours. Fortunately for both you and your two boys you have seen sense to kick him out.

Being around a cannabis user (his downers and mood swings may be partly attributable to his cannabis suage) will not do these children and yourself any favours either.

You have done the right thing.

fartmeistergeneral · 03/10/2006 09:23

I did fight for my dh (after he had an affair and left me and 2 ds). He came back, that was 3 1/2 years ago. The difference was that we always had had a happy marriage and one year we were really tired and niggly with each other, not happy really. Then things got a wee bit better then the affair.

I just felt that we had been really happy before and that to me, it was a bit of a mid life crisis thing for him. Things have been good - better - since then. In fact, bizarrely (but I still wouldn't wish it on anyone) the affair and the whole thing saved our marriage and gave it a real kick start.

It's like now I think he realises that he can't just go off with any woman he finds attractive. Or else, what's the point of marriage? Obviously as a woman I had worked that out (when I was like 13) but as a thick man, he only worked it out when he was 32.

DominiConnor · 03/10/2006 09:36

Sounds like he had issues.
You don't say how long he was like this, months ? years ?
It may be a useful shock, not just for you but him.
Probably not, but it's worth a go.

As for fighting to get him back. To me it begs the question of who you want back ?
I'm guessing that he was once better than this ?

It's practically impossible to fix someone else against their will, but you can provide an incentive to do so.
If you make it seem that this is just an extra big row, then he may not bother to sort out his life, indeed I'd bet money that he's blaming you.

Also the behaviour you describe isn't going to be all that attractive to the "other woman". The occasional trip to the pub and random bonk requires a lower standard of behaviour than a relationship. Although I am of course short of facts, I don't see that lasting very long.

Also, I don't get the impression of someone who will do very well on their own. Easy to see a spiral where he sits on his own with a bottle every night, work suffers and possibly disappears.
Hard to predict that even if you know someone, and of course I don't.

My bet is that the quality of his life is going to degrade, possibly quite quickly. He will of course blame you, her, his job, and possibly even David Cameron, but maybe he will get the message that this is largely self inflicted.

At that point you have some decisions to make...

mell2 · 03/10/2006 09:37

Hope you are well today redstar. Would just like to say that no-one really knows what your life is like and what it is like to live with dh other than you. You will do what is best for you and your family.

Take care and big hugs (and to carole3)xxx

sleepfinder · 03/10/2006 12:36

perhaps your extended family will see in time that you're benefitting from the relationship being over - and ease off trying to get you to reconcile. It does sound like things ended for the best...

skippydog · 03/10/2006 12:42

As someone who put up with a bad marraige for 16 years for the sake of the kids (very very bad idea as the kids have now told me)and never been happier than to be rid - I reckon when the love has gone it doesn't come back - you oly get oe life and you deerve to be happy!

skippydog · 03/10/2006 12:43

As someone who put up with a bad marraige for 16 years for the sake of the kids (very very bad idea as the kids have now told me)and never been happier than to be rid - I reckon when the love has gone it doesn't come back - you oly get oe life and you deerve to be happy!

dmo · 03/10/2006 12:46

you sound very strong i am sure you will surv as a single parent and at least exh sees the children often which is good for them

noddyholder · 03/10/2006 12:49

You sound really together and will probably flourish without him.Let him go

redstar · 03/10/2006 13:02

My DH really started behaving like this when our first son came along over seven years ago (been together 15 yrs, married 2yrs). He had always smoked blow and liked a drink but it wasn't really a problem at all. He had also always had a very blunt way of talking to people and had a bit of a selfish streak, again accepted him as he was really (he also had alot of great things going for him too) Then our first son arrived, money was tight,new parents, I got postnatal depression....things went rapidly downhill. He just wasn't the father I thought he was going to be, he was distant, unwilling to help out much, didnt know what to 'do' with kids. Well he didnt disappear down the pub or stay out all night with the lads, he always was here with me - but only in body...he would get stoned or drunk at every opportunity. I began to get annoyed and lose some respect for him, sex life suffered and that always drove him mad. He was very unkind, sulky, angry, bitter about things (obviously there were good times too or I would have booted him out a long time ago! But there was always an underlying anger towards me) So it just seemed that life had not turned out as he wanted, he felt trapped and he was trying to blot it out with blow and wine. No doubt if you asked him he could list all my shortcomings and I am sure that I am far from perfect, but I always treated him with respect and tried to help him, tried to make things better - he just never tried back.
I think its sad, I dont want him to crumble as I want him to there for our boys but I dont want to ever have him back and treating me and the kids the way he did, I know he will never really change. I can and I will cope fine by myself. I think.

OP posts: