Last night my marriage ended

[emma16]

I can't quite actually believe it's come to this or that DH said what he did.

I've posted previously about the strain on our marriage as we've had many many years of ups & downs with my DS who got initially diagnosed with aspergers last october, how there was an option for DS to go to his biological fathers home to live which DH wanted to do and unfortunately i'd made the mistake of thinking it could have been an option & agreeing with DH.
It wasn't until i was pushed to the very brink of it that i realised I could never hand my child over, he's my boy & my responsibility, and more importantly i didn't want to do that.
At that point, according to DH i turned his world upside down as i had effectively put our marriage as number 2 priority when he'd always taken great pride in believing it was number 1 priority.

I posted under another name just the other day about how 3 years ago i'd had a very brief interaction with another man...shame made me post under another name but that's something im going to have to deal with now anyway..i've no excuse for it & I'm truly sorry it happened. I was struggling to deal with all the change that had happened in my life, the mental abuse i'd suffered at the hands of my mum all my childhood & the separation that had happened with her at the time etc. Someone showed me some kindness & attention, and unfortunately i was too weak.
DH found out, i begged & grovelled to keep my family together.
From that point I made a huge change in being the way he really wanted me to be.
He's always been someone who's needed constant affection, attention, the minute he doesn't feel that, i know about it.
So for the past 3 years i've tried my utmost hardest to be the best wife, keeping home, doing everything for him whilst he works etc. Along with all the seperate issues of DS.

But he said to me the other day that i've changed since i got a job 5 months ago. Up until that point he's been extremely happy, and so had i, but apparently then i changed and as much as he's pushed it to the back of his mind & told himself to think differently he can't help but worry about why I'm keen to get to work, work a bit extra etc & because he feels like our relationship was slipping into the way it used to be years ago. How he doesn't want to hear about my work & who i've spoke to, things that have happened..just general every day chit chat about your day.

I suddenly just thought no, how dare you. For 8 years i've supported you with your career, listened to 8 years of your work life, been the dutiful wife staying at home, giving him the attention & affection that he needs and now the minute I get the job i've been trying to get for the past 3 years, I've changed?? No I haven't changed, you just havent been my number one priority every day & you don't like it.
The minute i chose my son over him the relationship changed, again because he slipped down to number 2. He said the old me had come out again, the independent & fighter woman, i said yes she had because she had to..if she didn't, she'd have lost her son so I had no option.

I'm sorry he feels so put out & unloved, that's not something ive set out to do. Far from it. He said well im the type of person that needs that constant attention & affection and your not the type of person to give it all the time, so what are we going to do? My reply was "Go and find someone who can live up to your needs then."

I'd just had enough. Is it wrong of me? Sometimes when we're in a situation we can't see the woods for the trees but i truly don't think i can do anymore than i have.
I've given that man everything for a happy home but im not prepared to say sorry for putting my son & his needs above his. And I cant believe that after 8 years of not working & me always wanting to get back into a career for myself, that he's now turning it round on me because he feels he's not getting the attention he used to.

He said maybe some would say he needs to man up & his needs don't always come first but that's just the way he is. I said 'yeah your right, your an adult, sometimes our needs dont always come first but i don't think you'll ever understand that'.
And that was that :(

You'll look back in this and be glad, really you will. He sounds utterly exhausting. And to be "proud" you put his needs over your son's? No. You have made the right - the best - decision. Be strong.

So sorry to hear this, it is such a tough time for you. But it sounds as if you know in your heart that it's the right thing for you and for your DS.

I am trying so hard to be strong but i feel so disappointed. I gave up my family, work, moved my DS away from his father to be with DH as after a year together i fell pregnant with our DD.
I feel so angry & upset that he's going to allow our marriage to end just because he's not number 1 priority anymore & he doesn't like it. Just because I don't give him all the affection & attention he needs.
I can't believe he would push our DD effectively to number 2 priority by splitting with me all because he's not number 1.

Your right LongtallJosie, its only now that things have come to a head & ended that I realise how exhausting it's been constantly having to live up to someone's expectations.

As a parent, one of the hardest things to adjust to sometimes is that your needs no longer come first. The children's do. He sounds needy and wants to keep you where he wants you, putting him first in everything, and he hasn't managed to grow up and realise this can't happen. You are grown up though and sounds like you don't want another child to deal with but want an equal supportive relationship, which he will never be able to provide you with. He wants to come first over and above your son and wants you dependant on him, doesn't like you working. I hope you can see that he is being unreasonable.

I feel so angry & upset that he's going to allow our marriage to end just because he's not number 1 priority anymore & he doesn't like it. Just because I don't give him all the affection & attention he needs

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My ex couldn't share me with the kids either and it slowly declined since then. He was an exceptionally needy person/child himself. I couldn't put him above the kids in any regard, but did my best to treat him as you would in any healthy marriage, but it wasn't enough for him. He's found someone now who can fawn all over him and give them all of their attention (no kids herself). I still can't believe he gave up a loving, loyal wife, his lovely little family life and home to go be a selfish twat getting his jollies off to live the 'single' life.

If he didn't appreciate what he had and do his bit to be a good husband and father, then you are better off without.

I can see that he is being unreasonable but at the same time I'm so incredibly sad that I'm going to be on my own with 2 children, through what i feel no fault of my own but having been completely let down.
He says all the right things like you Stripyhoglets about how when you become a parent your not number 1 anymore, but he doesn't follow that through. I've lost count of the times he's said about not being able to wait until the kids have grown up & left so we can do what we want, how holidays aren't what he'd really like & all the places he'd love to go but we cant take the kids too etc.
None of that bothers me, never has. You can keep your fancy holidays, your nights out, expensive meals out etc, my kids are my kids & I've been used to being 2nd priority for nearly 12 years now.
DS has been & can be such a mental strain on your sanity, he takes up so much work & im constantly involved with his school about him etc..couple that with going back into work then yes i probably have changed slightly.
But not because i don't love him, because i've got lots of balls I'm trying to juggle with my ball being bottom of the pile, and everyone else on top.
I feel like he's not given me any credit at all for being a strong woman & standing up for myself, should he not be proud that his DD has got a mum like that? Obviously not.

My Ex was the same. He asked me one day who came first and just told him without any thought, the children! From then on his abuse became worse and worse. I still cannot understand how a parent would not put their children first and to be honest I do not believe for a second that he would ever have put me before our children either. :(

You have done the right thing. He never deserved you.

StopStalkingMe as i read your post & the part about how he's got someone who fawns all over me, i instantly thought she cant have kids!! Do you know i thought exactly the same last night after everything was said, i thought fine you go & find someone who can give you all the attention you need but good luck with that!
I found out that apparently his ex-girlfriend before me, he dumped because she was too independent and gobby......

Congratulations on your new job, May this along with your new life bring unexpected joys and happiness. Sounds like life can only get better

I will hold my hands up & admit im not a big affectionate shower, i don't constantly want or need to touch someone, that just isn't me. It never has been & he knew that when we met.
Whether he thought i would change over time i don't know.
All of that i have no doubt stems from the mental abuse i suffered from my mother through my childhood until she gave me up at about 13..i lived with my grandma till i was 16 & then fended for myself up until i met DH at about 23-24. I was strong, i had to be i had DS & worked & provided for us both on my own.
I can't change who i am, i've tried so hard to be the woman he wants esp since what happened 3 years ago, i really have. My sister has been a huge support to me & reassured me that i couldn't have done anymore than i have, but its still hard to accept & not feel some kind of responsibility or wish things were different.

Thank god you have finally woken up is what I say

The way you describe the last few years it was like you were brainwashed

You were at the point of giving your son away to please a man, ffs !

Tell this selfish prick you have no further interest in being a doormat to an abusive man, and I hope you follow it through

Jesus Christ what a pathetic man child. Being single will be an absolute holiday after this suffocating, manipulative creep has gone. Imagine a life where you can put your children's needs first, then yours, the end! Won't that be lovely. I bet you don't even know what your own needs are anymore do you?

suddenly just thought no, how dare you
And you were right to think it. Hold that thought.

I had a chance of love last year but put my (adult) daughter first. He couldn't believe it. He turned nasty. Quietly nasty, but nasty.
How dare they?

As if men, who arrive and depart at will, can ever be as important as our children, whom we bring into the world and commit ourselves to forever.

In time to come you will look back and think thank goodness that relationship ended, what on earth was I thinking of to put up with all that.

You have done the right thing in putting your da first.

You have done the right thing in working.

You have done nothing wrong. It will hurt to begin with but you absolutely will not regret leaving such a selfish man child.

I agree 100% with you telling him to find his perfect step ford wife. Good luck with that one. You are well shut.

Confide in real life friends concentrate on your own needs and wants, and those of your dcs. Begin to enjoy you're work life. Now you can find a man who you want, it doesn't have to be long term, you are now free to set your own limits.

Enjoy your new life!

Yes, hold on to your anger that he wanted you to put him above your child, and above your own needs and happiness.

Selfish and needy people like that do not make good partners.

I could do with you women in my house at the minute, he wouldn't know what's hit him!!!
I am trying to keep positive, practical, to keep my head going instead of crumbling in to a pile sobbing my eyes out.
I probably will do that but will make sure I'm with my sister or my very closest friend at the time!

I've no idea about the next step...do i move out, does he? I'm going to have to increase my hours at work to bring more money in but ideally i don't want to have to involve a childminder for DD. If i have to I will but her parents separating is going to be a huge change for her & I'm reluctant to then bring a stranger in to pick her up from school.

This was another of DH ideas about me working, i wasn't to work full time & just stick to school hours 4 days a week so I could always pick DD up from school. I did agree with him to an extent, ive been fortunate to do that for DS until he started high school & yes i wanted to do the same for DD but her going to high school is another 5 years away!!
Wtf am i going to do for money & survive?? H earns a good wage, £68k a year, £75k with annual bonus. I don't as only work a min of 20 hours a week but obviously im going to increase this to 30 (9-3) to start with i think that way id only have to involved breakfast club for her.

Go and get some financial advice from a family solicitor

You can get the first half hour free

He will be forced to pay maintenance for the children and it is likely you will stay in the house as primary carer until the children are of age

You will have to divorce him of course though

It seems clear you are ill suited to each other. He may find no-one is suited to him. No adult should expect to come first when there are children involved. You are doing the right thing. I am sure your life will be easier in the long run without this needy overgrown baby to look after. Enjoy your freedom.

That's right, focus on the practicalities. There are good, solid solutions to all the questions you are asking.

Think of seeing a solicitor regarding some of those questions (eg. child maintenance from H)

I woke up on my 48th birthday and realised I'd spent nearly had my life apologising for who I am.... That was when I knew my marriage was over.

We'll done, it's the right decision. Us strong independent women have the right to be ourselves and not have to pretend to be a lesser being just so a man can feel strong & superior

Omg what an insufferable bell end he is! What's he done to compromise, to be a good partner for you? Or has it always been about what he 'needs'? Nobody, needs constant affection and attention btw, they might like and prefer it but it's not a need ffs. God, he's giving me the right rage!

I really hope you call his bluff and let him go, I think your life will be soooo much better without his whiny arse! I'm a single parent and I wouldn't change it for the world!

I can't deny he has been a good husband in a lot of sense's & he does genuinely love me & want the best for me..but probably in a bit more of a controlling way than normal.
Oh believe me he, does need it constantly, that or wants it constantly obviously.

When he said to me for the umpteenth time last night about how i didn't realise how much its effected him me saying i put my son first, i said strongly & confidently 'what do you want me to do? apologise for putting my son first over you? I'm his mother, he's my responsibility & im not sorry for telling you how i honestly feel!!!' His response was nothing, disbelief i think to be honest that i'd let him down like that.....

I've no idea what i'm going to do or what's going to happen but i know i'll be ok, i have no other choice to be & i've got 2 children that need their mum to stand tall & keep providing a warm stable home for them.

Awwww!

Something tells me you are going to be just fine.

You shouldn't have to choose between your children and your husband , the love should encompass the whole family circle with everyone being able to dip in and out of it. Like a big porridge pot it should be endless not rationed out in thimblefuls.

Part of me wonders how much your affair has affected him. On the surface he might appear to have dealt with it deep down it sounds like it has tapped into his own insecurities.

I know you cannot keep apologising it for the rest of your life but has he always feel second best and the affair just highlighted it and brought it to the fore.

Maybe if he knows you are serious about prioritising your children and that there would be still plenty of love left for him it might ease his fears.

I'm not one for chucking the baby out with the bath water and I'd be the last to give up on what otherwise is a good man but he is living in fear and that is pushing you away.

You need to be the person you are and he needs to let go of the fear that by being who you are you will not love him less , you will actually love him more.

I actually think you stand a chance and I don't feel it's about your child. I think it's about his fear and you wanting to be the person you've always been.

It must be exhausting for him hanging onto all that fear...how lovely it would be just be able to let it go...and trust.

It's like the angry man/ depressed woman scenario we used to see when I worked at Relate. Once the depressed woman got in touch with her anger and the angry man got in touch with his softer side and his sadness, it actually brought out the love and caring that was being buried by both of them.

Good luck.

This is the bit that makes me think you still might stand a chance

But he said to me the other day that i've changed since i got a job 5 months ago. Up until that point he's been extremely happy, and so had I.

He's been extremely happy and so had you.

So, it's all about getting to that point while you both get your needs met.

Try asking him what his worst fear is?

Another tip is to think about what attracted you to each other in the beginning and try to get back to that.
I bet your strength and independence was one of your attractions now he is just fearful.

Can your sister take the kids for a weekend or even just a night so you can have some time together. Maybe just simple things might give him the closeness he desires without you surrendering your Independence.

As a grandma I have a similar scenario but because I give OH lots of undivided attention ( they are not his grand kids ) neither of us lose out.