Last night my marriage ended

[emma16]

I can't quite actually believe it's come to this or that DH said what he did.

I've posted previously about the strain on our marriage as we've had many many years of ups & downs with my DS who got initially diagnosed with aspergers last october, how there was an option for DS to go to his biological fathers home to live which DH wanted to do and unfortunately i'd made the mistake of thinking it could have been an option & agreeing with DH.
It wasn't until i was pushed to the very brink of it that i realised I could never hand my child over, he's my boy & my responsibility, and more importantly i didn't want to do that.
At that point, according to DH i turned his world upside down as i had effectively put our marriage as number 2 priority when he'd always taken great pride in believing it was number 1 priority.

I posted under another name just the other day about how 3 years ago i'd had a very brief interaction with another man...shame made me post under another name but that's something im going to have to deal with now anyway..i've no excuse for it & I'm truly sorry it happened. I was struggling to deal with all the change that had happened in my life, the mental abuse i'd suffered at the hands of my mum all my childhood & the separation that had happened with her at the time etc. Someone showed me some kindness & attention, and unfortunately i was too weak.
DH found out, i begged & grovelled to keep my family together.
From that point I made a huge change in being the way he really wanted me to be.
He's always been someone who's needed constant affection, attention, the minute he doesn't feel that, i know about it.
So for the past 3 years i've tried my utmost hardest to be the best wife, keeping home, doing everything for him whilst he works etc. Along with all the seperate issues of DS.

But he said to me the other day that i've changed since i got a job 5 months ago. Up until that point he's been extremely happy, and so had i, but apparently then i changed and as much as he's pushed it to the back of his mind & told himself to think differently he can't help but worry about why I'm keen to get to work, work a bit extra etc & because he feels like our relationship was slipping into the way it used to be years ago. How he doesn't want to hear about my work & who i've spoke to, things that have happened..just general every day chit chat about your day.

I suddenly just thought no, how dare you. For 8 years i've supported you with your career, listened to 8 years of your work life, been the dutiful wife staying at home, giving him the attention & affection that he needs and now the minute I get the job i've been trying to get for the past 3 years, I've changed?? No I haven't changed, you just havent been my number one priority every day & you don't like it.
The minute i chose my son over him the relationship changed, again because he slipped down to number 2. He said the old me had come out again, the independent & fighter woman, i said yes she had because she had to..if she didn't, she'd have lost her son so I had no option.

I'm sorry he feels so put out & unloved, that's not something ive set out to do. Far from it. He said well im the type of person that needs that constant attention & affection and your not the type of person to give it all the time, so what are we going to do? My reply was "Go and find someone who can live up to your needs then."

I'd just had enough. Is it wrong of me? Sometimes when we're in a situation we can't see the woods for the trees but i truly don't think i can do anymore than i have.
I've given that man everything for a happy home but im not prepared to say sorry for putting my son & his needs above his. And I cant believe that after 8 years of not working & me always wanting to get back into a career for myself, that he's now turning it round on me because he feels he's not getting the attention he used to.

He said maybe some would say he needs to man up & his needs don't always come first but that's just the way he is. I said 'yeah your right, your an adult, sometimes our needs dont always come first but i don't think you'll ever understand that'.
And that was that :(

Thank you for your advice Dowser, it is helpful to see another side to things.
I think i might not have been as honest in what i said about being happy for the past 3 years.
Yes in a way i have been happy that my family has been together but it was & has been a constant effort to keep it that way when i'm really honest with myself.
I've always felt like i've had to watch what i say, how i act, put a lot of effort in to giving the affection & love he needs which hasn't come natural to me as im not a very touchy feely person.
He was like this before my brief fling, was from when i first met him but because i hadn't had any real proper long term relationship, i kind of just thought this was what a relationship was like & i will openly admit i did struggle with it.
I think he liked the woman in me he first met but after time he would always say about me being too independent etc & during recent years he's even said to me he's glad i changed as the old me was really annoying & hard work from always being so independent & not just giving in to being really in connection with someone.

What said a lot for me was last night when i said i wasn't going to apologise for putting my son first over him, i would do the same for DD & id like to think he would too if he was in my situation..and that i wasn't prepared to compromise on my job after 8 years of not working & supporting him with his career, how dare he say he's bored of hearing me talk about my work life after just 5 months! His answer was, well its not going to work is it as I need someone who can give me the attention & affection i need & you can't.

You were only "happy" for those years because you subjugated yourself to him and his "needs"

he has also been punishing you for your "fling" ever since

This relationship is toxic, but above all unsustainable unless he is the the one to make big changes

if you have any doubt he is willing/able to do that, then walk away now before you waste any more years trying to please an unpleasable (and abusive) man

It seems your husband's idea of having a "connection" involves you completely subsuming your own personality, interests and priorities to devote yourself full-time to pleasing him.

This is not love, it's using you as a prop for his ego. No one alive could keep that up for a lifetime (you are waaayyy more forbearing that I to have done it for three years!).

Someone who loves you will share the responsibilities of family life so that you can work as a team to find time for each other, not stand by while you kep all the balls in the air, whining "What about meeee?"

When I met DH, I was a single parent to DS!, then three. DH had no children. For a good long time, I was hesitant to even introduce them, but what swung it for me was when I cancelled a date with him at very short notice because DS wasn't feeling well and wanted me to stay. DH wasn't fazed one bit and said, "That's OK, I got into this knowing that there's someone in your life way more important than me."

I'm telling you this not to be smug, but to illustrate that this is what adults with healthy self esteem, who are capable of functional, mutually supportive relationships do. This is the minimum standard.

He has said he's unable to change, i said that from the 'conversation' we had last night & how he needs that but i can't give him it.

On another note this is also someone who last year his mother got diagnosed with terminal cancer, she died 13 weeks later but in that time i took over care for her as no-one else stepped forward or could do it to be honest.
The woman had never given me any time the 7 years previous to that, she was a difficult character to be around but at that time in her life she needed help & support & i stepped forward for her, i had to i couldn't ignore her.
After 7-8 weeks of me caring for her, washing her, taking her to the toilet, to chemo, cleaning her home, dressing her, husband said to me one night how he didn't like it as he felt like we were barely seeing each other & it was all about her & why should i be looking after her after the way she's behaved to me all those years & how she never looked after him.
I turned round & said to him, because she's dying, on her own. Regardless of past history or your feelings about her or the effect it's having on our family right now, her life is limited & she needs people around her & to feel like she is being looked after & cared about. She died 6 weeks later.

OP, I suggest you direct your husband to StepfordWivesDating.com

Cross posted

Emma, he sounds completely devoid of empathy. My armchair diagnoses him as a Narcissist.

he will never change

SweetErmengarde - i take all your advice on board & your completely right. Im happy you've found someone that gets you being a mum..i will keep that bit about DS not being well & his reaction in my mind for a long time!

This bizarre advice of putting children ahead of the marriage and spouse is what destroys lots of relationships.. Putting hobbies, friends, careers, socialising in front of a spouse is also foolish as is using children as an escape from working on a marriage...

Parents often make the mistake of allowing their children to consume every minute of their day which isn't healthy for the children to be smothered in the relentless pursuit of being the perfect parent, children thrive when they see that the marriage is the backbone of the family..

Red carpet children are a typically modern phenomenon and a unwelcome change in parental thinking..

Long lasting marriages take great self reflection, mindfulness, control and understanding of our own feelings which are in the main forged during childhood.. Lots of people basically need to get to know themselves before embarking on having children together..

Paradoxically the advice given on this forum will mean that women who leave will be more economically tied to the child and their careers with all the extra emotions this will create as well as dealing with latent feelings over the relationship failing, some of which they will carry over into the next relationship, which will like all relationships will hit a rocky patch and then the established default position of running will again be played out..

As for the dalliance with another man, this is often the most traumatic and damaging of all situations to hit a relationship and only 100% honesty and openness of both parties can heal the rift..

frank, have you RTFT ?

This bizarre advice of putting children ahead of the marriage and spouse is what destroys lots of relationships
Get real. They are from our bodies. Nothing, no-one, has higher priority than the little dna carriers, even when they're adult.

I don't quite know what to say or think to that Frank. You make me feel like im just walking away from my husband for no reason...im not.
He made me choose between my son & him basically...not in so many words but in his own roundabout way instead of just saying it.
So because of me protecting my 11 year DS that is just a child, and putting my husbands needs second, im some kind of awful person because that's how it feels right now.

I have open & honest since that time 3 years ago, 100% so, but it's not enough. Tell me what i do if 100% plus changing the way i am isn't enough for a man?

Aww, emma16, I can't believe that about his mum. It speaks volumes for you that you stepped forward for her during her last weeks. I'm afraid (barring any issues between them which you haven't mentioned), he really does come over as completely lacking in empathy.

You sound lovely and extremely capable; you will be fine whatever happens. Please do as posters above have advised, take tons of advice (legal, CAB and so on) and rally your friends and family around you.

We're here for you too.

Emma, I wouldn't actually give any headspace to what "frank" posted. There are always randoms who come on threads like this to try and ensure that women forget they have choices where tolerating shit treatment from men is concerned.

He's probably rocked up from one of those pathetic Male Rights sites that scan places like MN looking for opportunities to kick women in the teeth just a little bit more.

interesting also the choice of user name

Ignore Frank.

Apart from the mother/child connection as a human being we (should) all recognise that child needs care and attention. An adult wants it, a grown man is perfectly capable of looking after himself a child is not

The only issues i know and this is from DH himself is that he never felt like she'd been the mother she should have been. He's got 3 younger brothers and he says once he started high school he got forgotton about and left to it because the other 3 younger brothers took up all his parents time...as i type this i cant help but feel like this is familiar!!!
His mum did suffer with a lot of depression, why she kept on having kids im not sure..but from what he's said im like 'really, thats it?' he wants to try having had my life with my mother!!
I'll turn my eyes off to franks post, im totally open to help and advice but im so glad i dont live in just a 'mans' world..how cold and lonely that must be.

Some of this is to do with your own childhood and feelings, self esteem and coping mechanisms, some is the pattern of behaviour established by both parties after the affair..
Counselling for yourself, him and as a couple would help..

As for talking about work, I've always kept work, friends and socialising separate, the wife on the other hand likes to talk about her day in great detail, and some of her and our social life revolve around her career, which tbh I manage but it's not ideal... I find careers and work chatter combined with socialising nauseatingly boring..

I'm not going to argue with you PBTW you are of course entitled to your opinion, children's health, stability and happiness is a direct result of how healthy, stable and happy your relationship with your spouse is.
Which in turn will mean your children's ability to form their own future families in the right way will depend on your example. You can either make it easier or harder for them by how stable your marriage example is.

You can also improve your children's stability and ability to form functional relationships in later life by not modelling poor ones (like this one) and showing them that women do not have to tolerate them.

Ultimately though, it's your husband that is the poor role model. Unfortunately if you choose to stay with him, you get that label by association.

Wtf is a 'red carpet child?'

But two people have to be happy with themselves before they can hope to be happy in marriage and life in general, two people bring two different upbringings and expectations together, some of which are not compatible, and in this case both parties have issues about there own childhoods, which they are now playing out during this time period of conflict..

And yet the default answer is to leave..

Same as "red carpet bloke" I suppose. I think frank thinks all men should be "red carpet" and women/children know their place.

So what do you suggest Frank ? She sends her DS away? Because that is what DH wants. Do you think she was wrong to question the motives of a man who asks a woman to put him above her son?

I don't diagree that people need interests outside of their children, but apparently OP's DH has an issue with that. Again, what should she do? Give up her job to pander to his insecurities? I quote he can't help but worry about why I'm keen to get to work

So essentially DH doesn't want her to look after her own son or work but OP should overlook this to demonstrate how stable her marriage is?

Sorry, OP, was derailed, by Frank and his frankly bizarre posts.

From reading your posts, it sounds like you have been on eggshells, acting in a certain way so that your marriage "works". Only it seems to me that whatthis has meant is you have traded what makes you happy for what made DH happy, rather than you both making each other happy. No wonder he doesn't want things to change.

The Op had an affair and then embarked on attempting to put it right..
Maybe he/she should have walked.. And then she wouldn't have any choices to make and all this emotional turmoil would have been avoided.. Right..Er..

Your situation feels similar to mine. My husband also wants that one to one closeness but I can't give it. However he has recently understood my need for independence simply because I insisted he did. The choice was lose a part of me or lose all of me. He chose to let go a little bit. My counsellor describes it as an attachment disorder. He fears abandonment and so must cling tightly to anyone he can. Any deviation on your part from that will seem like a knife in the guts to him. It brings up all his fear and he must get back to the status quo. Getting counseling for yourself will help you through this and to understand him more. People like him are damaged and so difficult to change. Truly you are better off finding your own path.