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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you find it easy to shrug it off if someone doesn't like you?

48 replies

floraldora · 26/10/2014 22:29

As per title really.

I admit that I find it very hard to just shrug it off and carry on if I am aware that someone does not like me, although I'm getting better at doing this.

In the past I've been a bit of a people pleaser, desperate to be liked by everyone, and have allowed some rather unpleasant types to be my friend. This has then resulted in unpleasant types throwing a hissy fit as soon as I won't do as they want, or something doesn't go their way. So I'm aware that I have about 4 people locally that really do hate me a lot.

OP posts:

Stressing · 26/10/2014 22:35

Why on earth do they 'hate' you? What possibly could you have done for four people to feel like that about you?

Personally I don't really think much about it because it says more about that person doing the hating than anything.

You have to feel happy with yourself - feel that you are a good person - and then you know that it's them and not you.

But I'm still concerned to hear that you have this 'awareness'.

Original poster

floraldora · 26/10/2014 22:45

I know they all hate me as they've given me quite a lot of hassle.

Hater 1 is someone that is generally very unpopular, very demanding, narcissistic, rude and generally awful. I was introduced to her by some other friends (who have all subsequently fallen out with her), and being a weakling I became her friend, and just did whatever she said to keep the peace. After a few years I had had enough of her nastiness and tried to phase her out a little, only for her to phone me and say some awful things to me.

Hater 2 is the mum of another girl in DD's year at school. DD and this girl had some typical childish spats in years 1 and 2. This girl was actually quite horrible to DD but I kept trying to smooth things over to keep the peace. I think I tried too hard and was too accommodating as out of the blue one day this mum sent me a text demanding that I make DD apologise for something that she hadn't done. I said I wasn't going to make DD apologise as DD was adamant that she had not done it, and that it'd probably be best for us all to meet up to get things sorted. She then sent me a further text that was really unpleasant and telling me what she thought of me, and has bitched about me ever since.

Hater 3 is another friend who is unpopular, but again I let her be my friend and she treated me terribly. She did a couple of really horrible things and again I tried to distance myself and she went absolutely beserk, and makes it known to everyone that she hates me. She moves from friend to friend, and basically just wants someone to be her lap dog.

OP posts:

Original poster

floraldora · 26/10/2014 22:50

Oh and not forgetting the husband of a friend of mine, who I don't see very often and certainly have done nothing to piss him off, who decided abruptly that he didn't like me.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 26/10/2014 23:07

I just accepted that I don't like everyone, not necessarily because of anything they did, and they have the right to neither like me not care whether I like them. We all have people we dislike and if it's ok for you to not like them, it's ok for them not to like you.

Life would be hell if you had to like everyone.

Mumpire5 · 26/10/2014 23:12

Only if we have no mutual friends. I hate thinking that somebody that likes me would hear a person say something negative about me, and think "oh yeh i guess so" and then agree with whatever negative attribute they hadnt seen before.

theoldtrout01876 · 26/10/2014 23:17

I am used to people not liking me. I dont care. I find that people either really like me or cant stand me ,nothing in between. My family loves me and I have a very small number of real friends,the rest of the worlds opinion of me means nothing

Truth be told Im not very fond of most other people either

Purpleroxy · 26/10/2014 23:18

Shrug it off.

Your friend's h took a dislike to you for no good reason so it's kind of disrespectful to yourself if you try and get him to like you. If someone mean, have nothing to go with them, don't try and fix it or butter them up when you've done nothing wrong.

OfficerVanHelsing · 26/10/2014 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DraaaamaghAlpacaaaagh · 26/10/2014 23:40

I've got better at shrugging it off as I've got older. It's impossible to like everybody.

I know that in our small village there are some people who don't like me for one reason or another, but I don't care as I don't like them either and fortunately I can avoid them. I have a great family who love me and a handful of real friends whose opinion I do care about, and they are the people who are important to me.

BigPawsBrown · 26/10/2014 23:44

No. I tend to think people's criticisms of me are the absolute truth, even when they are off the wall. I have a counsellor for anxiety and we are addressing all this but if someone is horrible about me I take it to heart and want to hide.

Stupidhead · 26/10/2014 23:57

I never used to shrug it off and would beat myself up if I thought someone didn't like me. Nowadays I couldn't give a gnats fart.

And as for your Hs friend not liking you, if it was a friend of my DP then they wouldn't be a friend of his any more - his choice.

Stupidhead · 26/10/2014 23:59

Oh sorry, I read it wrong - I'm tired!
Your friends H is different, I've had friends Hs not liking me incase I led their wives astray. This was when I was single, they seemed terrified of me!

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 27/10/2014 00:00

I've had to get used to it over the years.

Horsemad · 27/10/2014 00:14

I'd only be bothered if I liked them and they didn't like me. Other than that, I wouldn't care less if they like me or not!

DarceyBustle · 27/10/2014 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sandgrown · 27/10/2014 00:35

A couple of men I have met over there years have disliked me. They both thought they were God's gift to women but because I did not fall at their feet they disliked me. I am quite intelligent and can hold my own in a conversation (even about the offside rule!) I think they found me a bit scary .

FolkGirl · 27/10/2014 02:52

Well, if you befriend people who are already unpopular because of how they treat other people, you are generally going to find that they treat you in the same way. They way those 'haters' feel about you is all about them and nothing about you.

As for the mum at school, I had one of them. I just ignored her and got on with my real life. 9 years down the line, I can tell you which one of us is happier...

As for the husband who has abruptly decided that he no longer likes you, that's going to be because he doesn't like the relationship his wife has with you, possibly because you take her away from him; or because he 'likes' you, and knows he shouldn't; or because you don't automatically agree with everything he says, his wife does, and that's how he likes it.

Stop making friends with the people nobody else likes. Nobody else likes them for a reason.

FolkGirl · 27/10/2014 02:59

Who wants to be Coldplay when you could be the Pixies?

Absolutely!

Now I don't think 'school gate cliques' exist in the mind of the beholder (well maybe they do) but I do think they are the preserve of people who have nothing going on in their lives other than their children and whose friends are all the parents of their children's peers.

Be amazing, dora. At least then you'll know they're just jealous and you just won't give a damn!

LosingAllTheLego · 27/10/2014 04:01

Honestly I just tend to shrug it off. I'm pretty awesome really so if people don't like me I tend to think it's their loss because plenty do!

MexicanSpringtime · 27/10/2014 04:42

As my darling MIL says, you are not a little gold coin that everyone is going to want.

I, like everyone, like to be liked, but as that is not always possible, I don't bother about what eejits think. If I respect someone and they don't like me, that is hurtful, but if I have no respect for the other person, it really doesn't matter. As it is, I am not someone people get excited about either way.

velourvoyageur · 27/10/2014 06:33

I don't think I mind very much because I know I don't like some people particularly and that feels very natural to me, so why should other people be these tolerant saints? you must dislike some people or find them boring or something

insancerre · 27/10/2014 06:43

I think it really does depend on your personality type
I'm very comfortable with myself and I'm definitely not a people pleaser
I'm also an introvert and a little bit shy which to some people can come across as arrogance or snobbery.
But I don't care what people think of me. Its what I think of me that matters.
This thread reminds me of the AntiNowhere League song " I hate people and they hate me"
You need a little bit of punk mentality

winkywinkola · 27/10/2014 07:07

Sometimes it bothers me.

There is one woman at school who I've chatted to in the past but who just blanks me even if am chatting to her companion. I've no idea what I've done and it bothers me. But I don't make any effort with her.

In general, I'm pretty unpopular. I don't have any good friends that I could count on in a crisis to be honest. Everyone is so busy and wrapped up in their own lives or just not crisis kind of people.

I was dropped by one friend after I leaned on her when I had a marriage crisis so I'm very wary of letting any friends know I have troubles.

So I guess the answer is to be self sufficient, know that you are a good person - you sound like you are and you've done your best by these people.

i think you can also know that other people will probably form the same opinion as you on these dreadful characters you describe.

I guess not to give them headspace is the best plan.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2014 07:18

I've never bothered with anyone that hated me. I was a bit of a geeky kid growing up - tall, glasses, intelligent - and a target for bullies as a result. Learned pretty early on, therefore, that other people should be carefully handled and were not guaranteed to find me adorable :) I've ended up with a thick skin (which has been useful for my work) & a pretty small circle of close friends which suits me just fine.

Joysmum · 27/10/2014 08:24

If the person is someone I like and respect I'd find it hard. If it's somebody unstable and that I don't like very much I see it as vindication of my dislike.

I have I trying to please all of the people all of the time years ago!

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