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Original poster

Do you find it easy to shrug it off if someone doesn't like you?

48 replies

floraldora · 26/10/2014 22:29

As per title really.

I admit that I find it very hard to just shrug it off and carry on if I am aware that someone does not like me, although I'm getting better at doing this.

In the past I've been a bit of a people pleaser, desperate to be liked by everyone, and have allowed some rather unpleasant types to be my friend. This has then resulted in unpleasant types throwing a hissy fit as soon as I won't do as they want, or something doesn't go their way. So I'm aware that I have about 4 people locally that really do hate me a lot.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/10/2014 08:28

Who wants to be Coldplay when you could be the Pixies?

Yes. This!

I really couldn't give a rats ass if someone doesn't like me. I really couldn't. I see all these people trying to be cool, trendy, and go getters when in fact they are just ignorant, sloganistic, Ego warriors. I spend a long time honing the art of being dull and only those that get into the inner circle get the benefits of my affection and adoration. Which is worth it in spades. I don't want that to be diluted for the good people so am more than happy when others don't like that I am not trying desperately to be like or to like them.

Most people spout complete bollocks half the time. Choose your friends wisely.

MaryWestmacott · 27/10/2014 08:36

OP - i think the problem is that you are more accomodating to twats than other people. The fact that these people don't have many friends should be a great big warning sign - other people don't like them for a reason! i guess you are giving time to people that others get a bit wary of and don't give their time to, so you become closer to them so they can turn their fucked up attitudes on you. It could be you are coming across as a bit needy which attracts people like this who can't get none-needy types to give them the time of day.

I know I had to re-tune my 'twat' radar a few years ago. trust your instincts and don't let your disire to be nice to everyone and liked by everyone make you give time and effort to people you even have the slightest worry about.

The important point is to try to accept that not everyone will like you no matter what you do, and you won't like everyone either, you don't need to be friends with everyone, not liking everyone is ok, both for you and for others.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/10/2014 08:48

Yes, I do. But then it's usually mutual. It doesn't happen very often as I find it easy to talk to people and they seem to like me. I make friends easily.

I have been in situations where I have moved somewhere new and struggled to make friends, and that has been really tough for me as I'm used to having friends. I decided I was in the wrong place and moved.

CleaninQueen · 27/10/2014 08:52

Yup, just one of those people that couldn't give a flying fig if someone likes me or not. My job means there's people out there that don't like me. Doesn't bother me as there's people out there that do like me.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 27/10/2014 17:44

It does bother me a little bit, especially as I seem to attract toxic people at the moment who I think could be good friends then fall out with me or just become very odd. Don't have time for it and leave them too it because in the end it's not worth the worry if they are going to be rude to you or not. I left high school a long time ago ;-D

Original poster

floraldora · 27/10/2014 18:12

Thank you everyone for the replies and advice.

ROUNDandROUND I too feel as though I do attract toxic people, who then fall out with me or just go weird. I've figured out recently that it really is best not to see one particular friend a large amount, and to concentrate more on having a wide 'fun' social circle. I'm very lucky in that I have a couple of very good childhood friends. Unfortunately we live very far away from one another, but they are there for a chat if I need them.

I agree too that I probably do come across as a bit needy. I think in the past I have been grateful that someone has wanted to be my friend, and have gone along with things whereas a normal, reasonable person would probably not even go there in the first place and just wouldn't let that person close.

Unfortunately the people that hate me are all quite loud, brash people, who are very vocal about not liking me. Which then bothers me because I would hate for one of my friends to be turned against me by someone who hates me.

OP posts:

Poopooweewee · 27/10/2014 18:36

People can be odd. When I had bleach blonde hair women used to openly seem to hate me, they would give me dirty looks and be quite horrible!! When I went brunette, that changed overnight and now I rarely have any trouble with either sex; people are either neutral or nice.

Either way two is exactly the amount of fucks I could give. If you don't like me, that's your business.

WonOnBingo · 27/10/2014 18:44

I never mind if people I have gotten to know or have spent time with don't like me. Not everone likes everyone.

What REALLY grates me is when people don't like me after meeting me for a few minutes. I can be a bit noisy / full on if I get nervous, but they don't take the time to get to know me :( I find that hard to shrug off.

I have an ongoing problem with people's girlfriends / wives not liking me. And no...I don't flirt with my male friends. I am just "one of the boys" in a way and for whatever reason their wives and gf's often take a dislike to me.

That does hurt, yes, but I have a lot of good friends who know all my good qualities so I try and focus on that.

WillkommenBienvenue · 27/10/2014 18:57

Hmm I think your ability to make allowances for people is the problem. I often get into similar scrapes because I see the long view, or because I think I can be bigger than that. So put up with crap behaviour and rise above it. But these people aren't friends, they are people I have to function with in a collaborative way. Some of them are a nightmare. Perhaps your problem is distinguishing a friend from someone you just have to get along with.

There are a lot of people in this world who have no integrity and no values. None of them are will ever be friends with me, clearly not with you either.

Original poster

floraldora · 27/10/2014 19:31

Willkommen, I have to admit I do just end up getting sucked into friendships, and by the time I end up thinking "Erm, I'm not really keen on this" and start to distance myself a bit, or at least not do every thing that they say, they think I'm their best buddy and end up kicking off big time.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 27/10/2014 19:43

Yes. I don't really care if someone doesnt like me. Im comfortable with who I am, which is a bit like marmite. I have a few close friends that have been friends for most of my life. I have a few peripheral friends that have also stayed that way. If someone doesnt like me then the feeling is usually mutual. I dont people please.

MintyCoolMojito · 27/10/2014 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinks42 · 27/10/2014 20:58

I have 20 friends on facebook, that includes my family. I deny people that don't actually know me. People who think that others take more than they give really need to become ok with theirselves. Work on you, be kind to you, do what you enjoy then you will find people that are the same.

Hatespiders · 27/10/2014 21:47

When I was quite young, I used to be anxious about being 'liked' and hurt if anyone seemed not to 'like' me. But in about my forties (late, I know) I met a very nice lady who absolutely loved me and approved of all I did. She was....MYSELF. Nowadays, me and myself get along beautifully, and we both know that if all the world detested us, we'd still be perfectly fine.

I suggest you learn to love yourself and be able to feel strong inside, as a kind of armour against all these unpleasant folk. Once you have a good, stable opinion and knowledge of your own character and personality, no-one can hurt you again.

maggiethemagpie · 27/10/2014 22:03

Hell no. Every time someone rejects me it fucks my head up. I was bullied/friendless at school and I don't think that ever leaves you. I have a friend who says she doesn't care what other people think of her, but she's very popular and it's easy not to care what people think of you when you've always made friends easily. She didn't have to care what other people thought of her. I did.

I'm older now, and slightly wiser, it still hurts if people don't wanna be friends but not quite as much as it used to.

winkywinkola · 27/10/2014 22:03

Hatespiders, great post!

SoleSource · 27/10/2014 23:39

I don't have many friends, i;m not a nasty person.

WillkommenBienvenue · 27/10/2014 23:42

That's interesting Minty, I found the dawn of Facebook quite liberating where friendships were concerned. Until then friends were limited by how often you met them. Cliques were very tight because there was so much more to lose. Facebook has allowed me to get much closer to a lot of former acquaintances and somehow I feel that people understand me better.

I saw that other people had different circles of friends, that was somehow reassuring and meant that the pressure of the people you do know is slightly less. The controlling types don't like Facebook because it means sharing your friendships, or at least opening up your friends list to them.

It has now dwindled down to a handful of people on Facebook who I get on with very well, were never really my bezzy mates before but share a lot in common with. It's helped to view people with a different perspective.

MintyCoolMojito · 28/10/2014 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brassrubbing · 28/10/2014 11:32

OP, let me tell you about my mother, as a warning. She's an insane people-pleaser to the extent that she's completely incapable of resisting any demand made on her, however unreasonable, as she thinks that saying 'no' to someone means they somehow have a legitimate grievance against her - this means she is both surrounded by the needy, the obnoxious, the chronically unpopular AND ironically, is completely friendless, as she only pops into their heads when they need her. Also, she has rendered herself completely personality-less by agreeing with whoever she's with 100%. She waits for people to tell her her opinions.

She is completely baffled aged 70 as to why I have friends, given that I don't always bend over backwards to accommodate people, prioritise my own stuff, and say what I think.

Toughen up, OP, and stop choosing to be around obnoxious people. Whether you like person X is surely as, if not more important than whether X likes you?

AliveAndAlsoWell · 28/10/2014 12:37

There are a few people who have decided not to like me and to behave in a very negative way towards me. Its unkind and undeserved and it does hurt. However I try not to dwell. Anything in life is only as important as you want it to be. So I'd say fill your thoughts with something pleasanter.

Original poster

floraldora · 28/10/2014 17:51

I've been reflecting on this today, and I've come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily the fact that they don't like me that bothers me, but that the type of people that have fallen out with me in the past are the type to divide and conquer, to bitch about me and to try to cause general bad feeling.

The first person that I described that hates me has a child in the same school year as one of my children. Since she had a hissy fit at me, she has made it her mission to befriend all other mums at the school that I was already friends with. I know that everyone can be friends with whoever they like but I know that she is just doing this to be spiteful. I have been told by a couple of friends that she has been unpleasant about me to them and they have told her that they don't want to know, but weaker other friends have been taken in by her, and are a bit 'I'm sure she didn't mean it, she's just very lonely' about her, even though I can see that she behaves toxically to them too.

I suppose though that nasty using types are also the types that will bitch and kick off and fall out with others when anyone upsets their apple cart. Normal, decent people don't tend to fall out in the first place, or if they do they just keep things amicable, rather than causing trouble.

OP posts:

Stressing · 28/10/2014 22:30

Maybe ask yourself why they are unpopular and have no friends. I think you seem to have come to the conclusion yourself that it's the people who go around 'hating' and causing trouble that have the problem, not you. Carry that with you. Keep a cool distance from people in the future and be your own person. That doesn't mean keep people at arms length, just save yourself for deserving friends and not the twats. And there are a LOT of twats out there as you have found out.

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