Has my DP got Asperger?

[MumsyFoxy]

Been dating nearly 2 years. Amazing man: intelligent, educated, funny. However, very low on social skills and not very good at bpdy language. Doesn't say "I love you", doesn't like eye-contact, doesn't flirt, doesn't talk about feelings.
I am a communicative person and enjoy conversation and flirting and silly little things.
I can't make sense of his aloof behaviour; I don't want to interrogate him about it and make him unconfortable.
Anyone on here has a DP/DH with Asperger?

Does it matter of his behaviour has a name, it is who he is, do you like him enough to be able to cope?

Or are you just playing the lets put people into boxes game(which i enjoy in a light hearted manner so am not being sarky)

No, I'm just trying to figure out who he is. I love him anyway; I need to know if he comes across as distant but, in fact, loves me, and his inability to communicate has a reason, or whether he doesn't love me.

There are websites and books about these things. Also if you search 'Asperger' on Mumsnet you'll find plenty of threads to read through.

My entire family are Asperger. My daughter's husband didn't make eye contact with me for ten years. When he did it twice in a single year I knew I was fully approved.

If you want to know if he loves you, ask. If you want him to behave in particular ways, you can train him, if he's willing.

Does it matter if there's a label? Surely you either accept the way he is, or you don't?

Thanks.
It makes a difference to know because if he doesn't have AS I could tell him I want him to be more communicative and affectionate and question whether his behaviour is because he doesn't love me.
If he does have AS, I will accept that his brain is wired differently and, although he can learn to "act" conventionally, I am not sure he "will mean it" IYSWIM.
From conversations about his past relationships, for example, to me it seems he has never been in love; is this a common trait? Can people with AS fall in love like NT people?
I wouldn't want to buy books on the subject in case it hurts his feelings.

Of course people with autism can fall in love. You need to just accept who he is or leave him. If he's just not affectionate then forcing him to be won't help anyone.

It's a scale, and everyone falls somewhere on it.

My DP hasn't been diagnosed as having Asperger's, but like a lot of people (and especially men, but not always) he has certain traits which commonly coincide with another condition he has. He's probably a good stanine or two up the scale than I am.

He also struggles with eye contact, either using too much or none at all. He doesn't flirt or mess about unless I instigate it, I have to physically touch him to get his attention first-time (he's in his own world a lot of the time - not aware of his surroundings) and he's quite happy to have a meal without a single word being spoken. Too many stimuli all at once in a public space makes him severely uncomfortable (e.g. he's not good in crowds).

But I know that in his way he loves me just as much as a NT man would. He just doesn't express his feelings as obviously.

I was married to an Aspie for nine years. Personally, I wouldn't knowingly choose another partner that had it. It was a lonely marriage. He had no empathy, the ability to understand that what you say/do/don't say/don't do affects other people. Some things they can 'learn' to do (like learning your lines in a play), but as it never comes naturally to them, it leaves you feeling disappointed. I wish you all the luck that you can be happy with him. Inevitably, if you are already second guessing whether he loves you or not because he doesn't show it to you, it will continue and only get more frustrating and isolating for you, unless he learns (if he can, mine couldn't). It takes a very strong woman who doesn't 'need' to have her emotional needs met in general, as you learn to be self-sufficient (but lonely). Sorry to be such a downer, but these are the cold, hard facts of a man with AS in particular. I recommend reading '22 things a woman must know if she loves a man with aspergers syndrome'.

It's not a scale and everyone does not fall on it somewhere you have to have autism/aspergers to be anywhere on the autistic spectrum. If you don't have difficulties in the triad of impairments then sorry you are not on the spectrum.

Sorry but the advice that gets spouted on the relationship boards about asd really irks me sometimes.

Anyway OP yes someone with aspergers can definitely fall in love how they demonstrate it may be different though.

Thanks.
Stopstsalkingme, that's very interesting.
I am frustrated by his behaviour; it makes me feel very insecure and isolated. I am not usually "needy", but his rare text messages and rare affection leave me un-satisfied.
I love him; maybe if he could reassure me it would be easier. At the moment it seems my love and affection are a little unappreciated and un-returned.

Ladeedad, sorry, I assumed you were not with your DP anymore! Does your DH ever say "I love you"?

Have you talked to him about it OP? You don't need to bring up aspergers but you are trying to second guess his feelings for you and clearly you are finding him hard to read. Aspergers or not I think you need to decide if you are a good match for each other.

Very occasionally he says it off his own bat usually in bed . However he can go weeks without saying it. It doesn't bother me...I feel fortunate I'm rather an over-confident and jolly sort and just sit on him (literally) until he gives me the attention I need. Luckily he doesn't mind being sat upon.

If he's always been like this, what has changed?

This is who he is, if you struggle having a partner who finds it difficult expressing themselves, a diagnosis won't change that.

Don't use a 'possible' diagnosis as an excuse to stay with someone who ultimately, you aren't compatible with.

You're going to have to talk to him about it.

Either a) he has Asperger's Syndrome and needs you to model and teach the behaviour you would like him to display in a relationship or
b) he is introverted, uncommunicative and needs you to be very clear about the kind of behaviour you would like him to display in a relationship or
c) he doesn't say I love you because he doesn't love you, or he gets his kicks out of withholding his affection, or he's feeling smothered.

People with autism spectrum disorders do fall in love. Of course they do. But as its says, sometimes they display it differently from NT people. But unless you talk to him, you're not really going to get any further, are you? He's going to continue to be oblivious (or worst case scenario, he's doing it deliberately and so will continue) and you're going to continue to be frustrated. There's no magic wand...

Itiswhatitis, when I talked about "us" before, he only gave yes-or-no answers and it made him uncomfortable to be put on the spot imo.
I guess I will talk with him again, but sometimes it feels like I do a monologue then all he says is "no", or "no that's not the case", end of conversation. If I prod further, he thinks I'm looking for a row.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett, I exclude the fact he might be deliberately acting cold. He is a lovely person of sound principles, he wouldn't do that.
I guess I'm more frustrated when we're not together, as he sends few messages and zero "affectionate" ones!

How is he when you initiate affection, OP?

Lots of aspergers in my extended family. I would suggest you do some reading about Asperger behaviour (eg. Food sensitivity, noise/crowd issues, obsessive traits etc.) & see if anything ties in with your DP's personality.

If you think he fits the description, then you need to decide whether you can live with him as he is. Yes, you may be able to make him more affectionate and communicative, but it may not happen. From my experience, if the Apergers man is with you, he loves you, as it wouldn't be logical not to. Also, the upside Is that they tend to tell the truth and, if you asked, would definitely say if they didn't love you!

Again from experience of the men in my extended family, they will show you they care in lots of little ways, which may well be very practical. Eg. He'll make sure your car is always serviced.
People with aspergers can appear to be very selfish, as they are often very single minded and unable to consider how their actions will be viewed by others. Again you may need to be able to cope with this.

My DP remembers things that I say I like, and months later (usually when I've forgotten all about it) he'll surprise me with tickets to see something or suggest we try out a restaurant because they do the kind of food I've wanted to try.

I like to appreciate the romance in this, rather than the constant displays of affection.

very interesting thread. I think the advice that you need to consider if you are compatable regardless of diagnosis is probably the most key.

I think both my DH and I and our children to various extents have traits. I would say of the two of us (me and DH) I am probably the worst but really just realised that after reading this thread. I would say that he has a greater need for affection than me and I don't think I have ever said I love you to him (rather than replying) more than once or twice and weve been together for 20 years! I think we both have different ways of showing affection - I very much get the bit that if we didn't love each other we wouldn't be together so why say it? and also that I demonstrate it on a very practical level. I don't think it is enough for him at times though, equally, I feel that I expect him to do practical things for me to show me he loves me which he doesn't always do so I end up feeling doubtful.

We have had a few issues recently in that he also suffers from depression from time to time (caused by me?).

I do however love him and our children more than life itself but would feel very uncomfortable telling them.

I guess the crux of it is whether you feel happy to accept him as he is or if he is willing or able to try to change.

Ladeedad, he likes receiving affection (more rhan giving), likes being stroked (does little stroking tho).
For example, to me kissing is very important and he doesn't do a lot of it..
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myotherusernameisbetter, interesting that this thread has made you think of yourself as having AS! Sorry you wonder if your DH is depressed "because of you", can you talk to him about it?

If you're on fb there's a page called a The girl with the curly hair. She has AS. The page is aimed at women and children with AS but she often posts interesting things about relationships between people with AS and people without.

Mum I have learned that love isn't enough sometimes. In my case, he had every drop of my love and I gave everything I had to understand, help, accommodate, support him. It was completely one-sided. He even joked that trying to learn how to fulfill my emotional needs was like the movie 'GroundHog Day'. A different day to learn it all over again, no retaining any of it (subtle permutations of a situations through him all off).

My ex was a sweet, caring, kind man.....as long as I didn't put demands on him. And when the kids came, he crumbled as I needed him more than ever and he couldn't be there for me. Then he blamed me for how I made him feel (I didn't give him my undivided attention and have sex with him 5 times a week). Not all related to AS, as some guys can't share when kids come into the relationship.

I knew my ex loved me, but just knowing it as a logical fact wasn't enough. I needed to 'feel' his love too. For example, he gave me hugs, cuddles, massages, kisses only if it would score him points to 'get sex'. Massive score-keeping like a logical mathematical problem (If I hug her and then have a cuddle on the couch, then she'll have sex with me). If I rebuffed him, he'd sulk and withdraw into his cave. And then he wouldn't give me hugs or anything for a few days coz he said 'whats the point?'. Not a good way to build intimacy.

Mumsy - we have talked about it, he says it isn't my fault but tbh a lot of the reasons he says he is depressed are to do with me. It's funny cos at times he thinks I am unhappy but actually it takes very little to make me happy. I don't want or need a lot out of a relationship. I don't like to be ignored, I don't like selfeshness but otherwise I am pretty easy going and don't stress about stuff and it often comes out of the blue if he tells me that there is an issue as he sees it.

Dont get me wrong, we are generally happy together but have come close to the edge a few times in the last couple of years. We almost split up a few months ago, I know I could be happy on my own but i can also be happy with him which is my preference, I think he struggles to see that but was happy that said it.

Would it be worth writing him a letter so he doesn't feel so put on the spot and you can ask him to write back about how he feels? My brother has asperger's and is able to articulate his feelings much better in writing than in person, in fact I only really get a true glimpse about what's going on inside his head from his emails and texts, I've never heard him verbally express himself in the same way.