Has my DP got Asperger?

[MumsyFoxy]

Been dating nearly 2 years. Amazing man: intelligent, educated, funny. However, very low on social skills and not very good at bpdy language. Doesn't say "I love you", doesn't like eye-contact, doesn't flirt, doesn't talk about feelings.
I am a communicative person and enjoy conversation and flirting and silly little things.
I can't make sense of his aloof behaviour; I don't want to interrogate him about it and make him unconfortable.
Anyone on here has a DP/DH with Asperger?

Tbh I think it's pretty dangerous to try and diagnose your OH with a condition such as Aspergers on a forum like this.

Posters can only give you their experience not any bone fide medical expertise and the danger is you interpret that in such a way to make it fit your own situation.

The only thing you can do if you have a concern is to encourage your partner to go to the GP and get proper medical advice - and take it from there.

Personally I think Aspergers and autism are highly misunderstood in the same way people talk about "being a bit OCD". These are complex conditions that are almost being trivialised as behavioural traits.

I have been with my aspie husband for 13 years and we are really happy. At least this is what he tells me when asked straight out. You do have to deal with someone with aspergers differently and there are different expectations of intimacy, for example I initiate most of the cuddles/ little kisses. He does show me in other ways though, he is a fabulous father not only to our child but one we took on too. I would not have him any other way :) PM me if you want to chat.

I agree with the letter idea. If i have anything to say that i know can be sensitive, if i have to talk to them they usually get offended because i "say it wrong" they react before hearing the end of my explantion, whereas in a letter they may get upset but then read the next sentance so my complete lack of skill is worked around. (Think of mr darcy's letter to lizzy )
Or a car journey where you are both facing forward, ask a simple question then wait.

It's a scale, and everyone falls somewhere on it. No it isn't. There's an online test which apparently is very accurate, you could ask him those questions in passing and see how it comes out or ask him to look at it. Poor OP I didn't see anywhere in her post that she doesn't fully accept and love this man.

I’m sorry to say this but if after two years you can’t tell whether you partner loves you or not, then this relationship is not good for you. Whether he has Asperger’s or not, relationships that succeed are the ones where both partners strongly feel that they are loved, even when it’s expressed in an unusual way. Not ones where one partner is looking round for an explanation for why she doesn’t feel loved. If you’re not yet committed to him by marriage, mortgage or children then maybe you’d do better to move on and find someone who loves you and can show it, rather than struggling on in a relationship that’s making you feel unloved.

Having said that, one book you might find helpful is The Five Love Languages (you can buy it, or Google for online summaries). It could help you clarify whether you and your partner can find a "Love Language" that is compatible. People certainly can learn a different "language" but it sounds as if (even if you learn to recognise his language) your DH may never learn to speak yours, and that's not a good thing.

Maybe you need to tell him in simple, clear terms exactly what you need. If he has got Aspergers then he may never intuitively understand what you need. That doesn't mean to say he cannot be reminded every now and again and that he can learn ways of making you feel more loved.

I am frustrated by his behaviour; it makes me feel very insecure and isolated. I am not usually "needy", but his rare text messages and rare affection leave me un-satisfied

Some women can have successful partnerships with AS men and some can't. I couldn't. If you can't, that is ok too. Just as with non AS men, if it's a wrong fit, it's a wrong fit and trying to 'fix' him doesn't work and only prolongs the inevitable.

Statistically, marriages with an AS men end in divorce in 80% of the cases. There is a reason for that. There's another unexpected consequence of my divorce....data collection for research.

Stopstalkingme my hubby has a 50% success rate so far lol. Divorced before me but I agree you either can live with an AS partner or can't.
Although there are lots of little annoying things he does my hubby is always honest (to a fault),straight to the point and actually easy to work out once I got to know him and his ways. I would not change him for the world .

He may just be very introverted. I thought I may have Aspergers as I'm terrible in social situations and eye contact makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not great at talking about feelings etc.

I did an online questionnaire expecting an answer for the way I am, but based on the answers I gave, I don't have Aspergers.

I'm not an expert, but I doubt you can make a diagnosis based on the info you've given. There could be many reasons why he's the way he is. In my case I think I'm just painfully shy.

Thank you all for your inputs- a lot to think about. I certainly don't think I am in the position to make a diagnosis, but just curious as to whether his behaviour resonates with those of you with experience of AS.
It's not just "shyness" , btw, it's more than that: it's behaviour that sometimes seems very robotic.
I love him dearly, btw! I just wish there was more flirting+ more cuddling + more "abstract" conversation.

Personally I think Aspergers and autism are highly misunderstood in the same way people talk about "being a bit OCD". These are complex conditions that are almost being trivialised as behavioural traits.

This

If he's always been this way you can safely assume that this is who he is. The question is quite simple, If not having the things that you've listed is the price for being with this man, are you prepared to keep paying it?