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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Formerly single mum of two boys - new partner unexpectedly moves in. Please help!

55 replies

MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:11

Ok. So I'm a newbie to posting and I'm really hoping that you guys will be able to lend a friendly ear and offer some constructive advice!
I was a single mum of two for over 12 years and a few years ago began a relationship with my current partner. Things were going well for all of us, my DC thought he was cool and the two of us were getting on brilliantly - up until 2 weeks ago!!! Just to give a bit of background, he is a competitive BB (I also compete). His dad is an alcoholic and his mum after having him suffered severe PND and was the diagnosed with bipolar and a form of schizophrenia. He's also 13 years younger than me (not that that should make Any difference!); a fortnight ago he competed in the national finals and I made the suggestion that post comp, he comes and spends some time with us the week after, following the show. Unfortunately a few days prior to his show, his alcoholic father made an allegation against him (he has done many times in his drunken states) and so my DP had to go and be processed ant he station. Upon advice from them, he came to stay but what was once a suggestion to come and chill out has now escalated into something way more!!! Shock We'd talked about eventually living together but I hadn't quite anticipated for it to be put on me/us so quickly!!! Needless to say, the pressure is now being felt!Confused
My youngest, has now done a 180° and says he hates him (previously, he thought he was nice and kept asking "when are coming to stay here?"), he's angry, hostile and very belligerent (a little bit of puberty in the mix there as well just to mix it up !) And he and I keep squabbling/bickering. I feel more like his mother than I do his lover/partner! Sad Instead of having just two children it feels like I have three!!
I'm now extremely worn out and am feeling like I'm trying to keep Everyone happy but in the process, am not feeling harmonious about anything!
Can anybody give me some pointers please?!?

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2014 13:13

Yes, it's quite simple.

Tell your boyfriend it's not working out and he needs to move back to where was living before.

Whereisegg · 26/10/2014 13:14

Can you just ask him how his house hunting is going?
Has he said if he thinks this is a permanent arrangement?

scarletforya · 26/10/2014 13:15

Ask him to move out.

Also what's bb and what allegations did his father make? What do you mean 'processed', arrested? charged?

Hakluyt · 26/10/2014 13:15

Yep. Tell him sorry, it's not working out and he has to move out. Then back off loads and go very very slowly.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 13:17

Whatever you do, the longer you delay the harder it's going to get. Tell him he's got to go and, if he takes offence, that's his problem. (What's a BB? )

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 26/10/2014 13:19

Tell him he needs to leave as soon as possible. Get him out of your home, your children's home. Give him a leave-by date - Wednesday at the latest.

SuperFlyHigh · 26/10/2014 13:19

tell him to move out. and go slowly.

Rollercola · 26/10/2014 13:21

He's a bodybuilder? Tell him there's been a communication misunderstanding and that you only meant for him to stay for a few days.

AliveAndAlsoWell · 26/10/2014 13:23

Take charge - this is very unfair to your DC- no wonder he's angry.

A leave by date is needed - issue it today.

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:26

BB - bodybuilder Yes he's a bodybuilder! So am I!!!!
We had talked about living together but no concrete plans have ever been made.

OP posts:
Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:28

@Whereisegg initially he had ummed and ahhhed about living together but as I said, circumstances kinda backed him into a corner, hence where we are now

OP posts:
carlsonrichards · 26/10/2014 13:29

You tell him, today, that this is not a permanent move, was never meant to be, and he needs to leave by the end of the week or sooner.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2014 13:31

This man needs to move out asap, it should not be your concern where he goes.

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:33

@AliveAndAlsoWell my DC and I were having issues before - he was spending waaay too much time on gadgets (my fault ??) and that was difficult enough without this! We have been making headway on that front but because DP is now adding options it can be somewhat counterproductive and I can feel.slightly undermined

OP posts:
2rebecca · 26/10/2014 13:35

Why have circumstances meant he is living with you? I'm not sure why the stuff with his parents has affected where he lives or was he still living with his parents? If the latter I wouldn't want a bloke living with me who'd never lived away from his parents anyway. He needs to look at renting. Staying with you shouldn't have been an option with 2 young kids unless you discuss it withy them and plan it.
It's his emergency, not yours. If he was single he'd have had to sort out somewhere to live, it doesn't become your problem just because you're going out with him.

LineRunner · 26/10/2014 13:35

Get the bb to a b&b.

PlantsAndFlowers · 26/10/2014 13:35

Your kids are your priority in all this, and if such a sudden change has upset your son reassure him that it's only temporary and speak to your DP about it.

If he's the right one for you he should be looking to make the transition as smooth as possible for your kids. Is he doing that? Doesn't sound like it.

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:38

Also, I had said, just yesterday actually, that I felt it would be a good idea.for him to go and stay back at the house for a bit just to get my house in order,(if this is to be permenant) but he just got defensive and metaphorically threw his toys out a the pram!!!
Its not that I want to end the relationship just for things to be taken at a gradual pace to accommodate my DC

OP posts:
Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:40

Everyone has really helped! Really appreciate the feedback!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:41

@LineRunner ????????

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 26/10/2014 13:41

I'd be worrying about your BB DP's reaction in all of this, defensive etc? is he using steroids?!

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:42

@LineRunner X-D

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/10/2014 13:45

So what if he gets upset? You need to start getting wayyyy more assertive. This is YOUR house, it's YOUR children who need to be the priority, he is a GUEST. If you ask him to leave, he needs to go, and if he gets upset then that's his problem.

Are you physically afraid of him? If so, be careful. But you're acting like all this happened and there was nothing you could do about it -- it's your house, if you want him to leave (and it sounds like he should) then he should go.

Knottyknitter · 26/10/2014 13:46

Steroids or hormones my first thought.

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:50

@SuperFlyHigh maybe defensive was the wrong terminology, when I made the suggestion of going back he said he felt rejected and then (as everyone is suggesting anyway) said he'd find somewhere else (rent somewhere) almost like a retaliation for me saying he should go back.
I'm definitely feeling torn and wrung out

OP posts: