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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Formerly single mum of two boys - new partner unexpectedly moves in. Please help!

55 replies

MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:11

Ok. So I'm a newbie to posting and I'm really hoping that you guys will be able to lend a friendly ear and offer some constructive advice!
I was a single mum of two for over 12 years and a few years ago began a relationship with my current partner. Things were going well for all of us, my DC thought he was cool and the two of us were getting on brilliantly - up until 2 weeks ago!!! Just to give a bit of background, he is a competitive BB (I also compete). His dad is an alcoholic and his mum after having him suffered severe PND and was the diagnosed with bipolar and a form of schizophrenia. He's also 13 years younger than me (not that that should make Any difference!); a fortnight ago he competed in the national finals and I made the suggestion that post comp, he comes and spends some time with us the week after, following the show. Unfortunately a few days prior to his show, his alcoholic father made an allegation against him (he has done many times in his drunken states) and so my DP had to go and be processed ant he station. Upon advice from them, he came to stay but what was once a suggestion to come and chill out has now escalated into something way more!!! Shock We'd talked about eventually living together but I hadn't quite anticipated for it to be put on me/us so quickly!!! Needless to say, the pressure is now being felt!Confused
My youngest, has now done a 180° and says he hates him (previously, he thought he was nice and kept asking "when are coming to stay here?"), he's angry, hostile and very belligerent (a little bit of puberty in the mix there as well just to mix it up !) And he and I keep squabbling/bickering. I feel more like his mother than I do his lover/partner! Sad Instead of having just two children it feels like I have three!!
I'm now extremely worn out and am feeling like I'm trying to keep Everyone happy but in the process, am not feeling harmonious about anything!
Can anybody give me some pointers please?!?

OP posts:
carlsonrichards · 26/10/2014 13:52

Christ on a bike! This is YOUR and your children's home. Get a spine. He got arsey when you brought up that this isn't permanent? Right then and there was your cue to show this guy the fucking door.

Why are you trying to hang onto this creature?

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:54

I am Far from afraid!! Quite the opposite!! I am a bodybuilding competitor as well, so let'snnot forget that!! And steroids are Not the problem - perhaps his age and inexperience may be

OP posts:
Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 13:55

@carlsonrichards thanks for the kick up the jacksey! ;-)

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 26/10/2014 13:56

OP - sounds defensive to me. It's as other's have said your DC's home, he shouldn't just shoehorn himself in there with little/to no thought re their feelings.

You can tell it's not your DCs fault either as before he was quite happy to have your DP to stay/move in.

I'd be seriously thinking about the maturity of your DP and your relationship.

Another thing, when my mum got divorced from my dad had to let rooms in house, she met my stepdad (he was 10 years younger) - he moved in quickly properly after that and things progressed speedily. Now years later (they're happier now) my stepdad says he thinks he wasn't mature enough (in early 20's) to deal with my mum and the DC.

carlsonrichards · 26/10/2014 13:57

Then there is no reason to be wet about this. It's not working out, the timing's not right.

'This was never meant to be permanent. You'll need to shift by the end of the week.'

KneeQuestion · 26/10/2014 13:58

What happened with his Father? has he been charged?

ImperialBlether · 26/10/2014 14:01

For crying out loud, just go in and say to him, "I fancy a quiet night tonight with the boys, so it'd be better if you went back to yours. It'll give me a chance to catch up on some housework." Then, when he's gone, change the locks and don't give him a key.

2rebecca · 26/10/2014 14:03

It sounds as though he's of an age where he should have been looking at moving away from mummy and daddy anyway so if he says he'll look at somewhere else to rent that sounds much better than moving back in with his parents.
Why are you so keen for him to move back in with his parents? That doesn't sound like a pleasant environment to be in if you don't have to.

2rebecca · 26/10/2014 14:04

I agree that in the short term he could go there whilst he flat hunts.

paxtecum · 26/10/2014 14:05

Love, you need to put your children and yourself first.

Take a deep breathe (or several) and start the conversation about it not working with your DCs and he needs to leave.

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 14:07

@SuperFlyHigh valid point re:your mum and stepdad.
@KneeQuestion nothing happened! They could see from previous incidents that his father has major problems and they tried to give my DP a point toward councelling for living with an alcoholic (alanon). Its his father that needs councelling and help

OP posts:
carlsonrichards · 26/10/2014 14:08

Because he isn't her child, 2Rebecca. He is an adult. If the environment at his parents is untenable then the onus is on him to do what needs done to move.

His presence in her home is causing a lot of upset for the OP's children. Her first obligation is to them, not this adult.

DiaDuit · 26/10/2014 14:10

I dont get it. he suggested he mive back out. What are you so torn about? Confused he has said what he should do, everyone here has said what he should do. The only one holding up the process is you! Tell him yes he needs to go. This is really very obvious.

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 14:13

2rebecca that was exactly what I thought.
@ImperialBlether He's Never had a key!!!! Why would he if I believed this was only a visit?!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 26/10/2014 14:14

Why so stroppy carlson? By "there" I meant back with his parents as other people were suggesting rather than staying with the OP for longer whilst he looks for a flat as I originally suggested as the OP didn't like the idea of him flat hunting for some reason I didn't understand.
At no point did I suggest he remain with the OP or that she should look for flats for him. Reread my posts.

Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 14:16

I know precisely the steps I have to take, thanks again everyone for the feedback and responses

OP posts:
Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 14:20

Just as a footnote, it wasn't that I didn't want him to flathunt, it was that I'm sure he believed i was wanting to end the relationship because of what I suggested

OP posts:
Original poster
MC687 · 26/10/2014 14:26

And Carlson can I just add to 2rebeccas comment, you do come across as a bit stroppy dare I say bitter :-/ I have just been trying to find a positive solution to my current situation . All positive critisim has been appreciated, taken,absorbed. I hope that a calm resolution is found soon so that once again a level of harmony can be experienced all round.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/10/2014 14:30

In short, you invited him for a short holiday (" I made the suggestion that post comp, he comes and spends some time with us the week after") and because of a completely unrelated situation, he has moved in.

He's an adult, he needs to sort out his family situation/accommodation without impacting you and your DC. Even though you had talked about him possibly moving in, it was still just talk - it was a long way off.

So, how to achieve it?

You need to point out that you had invited him to come for a FEW DAYS only. Maybe say that him overstaying is not resolving his home situation, and he needs to go back there and resolve things. Suggest he looks for his own place, but be firm that the time is not yet right for him to move into yours permanently. And absolutely point out to him that you will always put the interests of your children not only before his interests but also before your own.

carlsonrichards · 26/10/2014 14:32

If it's stroppy and bitter to find it ridiculous to hole up a manchild when your kids can't stand him and you don't feel the timing is right, sign me up!

No man comes before my kids.

LineRunner · 26/10/2014 14:35

I think it is unfair to call a poster 'bitter' when they are offering a genuine, heartfelt view.

NewEraNewMindset · 26/10/2014 14:38

It does sound as though he is cocklodging, sorry OP. Can he afford to get his own place or have you inherited him off his parents?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2014 14:41

him jumping to the conclusion that you are ending the relationship by asking him to move out is pure manipulation on his part

sisterofmercy · 26/10/2014 14:46

He needs to demonstrate how mature he is to remain attractive to you, surely. If he doesn't consider yourself warned.

Vivacia · 26/10/2014 14:47

him jumping to the conclusion that you are ending the relationship by asking him to move out is pure manipulation on his part

I thought that.

I'm not sure why the hobby is relevant to this thread Confused