Don't know if this is a problem or if I'm being melodramatic.

[NeedToGetThisOut]

Sorry I've had to nc, don't want this linking to other threads I've got.

Will try not to drip feed.

Met dp 7 years ago. He was a bit of a lad. Messed me about. Split up for quite a while. He decided he'd changed and spent the best part of a year chasing me, promising me the world etc and have been back together for 5 years.
First 2 years great, moved in, all fine. Had dc1. family decided to tell me they hate me, always have, I'm no good etc. No reasons given just this. Dp stood up for me to an extent. I've gone nc with them. He took dc to seethem. I wasn't happy about it and told him this but his child too so don't feel I can stop him.
After maternity leave ended we realised (yes I know we should have planned more but there you go) it would cost us for me to return to work so I'm a SAHM. Have dc2.

Basically I want to decide if this is worth it or not. We have no 'love' in the relationship. Only physical contact (kissing - apart from odd peck) is during sex. No romance, no affection. He tells me it's just 'not him' and he's not an affectionate person but it's like living with a stone.
He tells me I'm negative. I try so hard to be positive but I always felt a partner is there for the bad and the good? He doesn't want to hear the bad.
Tells me I'm boring and need a hobby, should be out more. I have no money so can't afford it plus I don't have the time. I never get time away from the kids. If he takes them to visit his family I catch up on jobs I can't do when they're here eg ironing.
He constantly has digs at me for not doing enough. Dc2 is 5 weeks and I was sick all the way through the pg. struggles to look after dc1 and couldn't do as much at home.
Now dc2 is here it's like he expects all house to be perfect again.
I've made a bed in the spare room to sleep with dc2 as I'm bf and can't see the point in waking both of us. It's only meant to be short term because dp doesn't function well on little sleep. Dc1 has been gettin up in the night and dp is having to deal with it. He's now 'exhausted'. Going to bed even earlier so after dc is in bed we have no time together before we go to bed.
It was my idea about the rooms so that's fine- my choice but I found out the other day he's been letting on that we're still in the same room and he's being woken through the night?! Feel really pissed off he's not just said 'oh no we're in seperate rooms'. Feel like he's taking credit where he shouldn't be? Dc1 basically gets in bed with him and sleeps so not like a proper wake up.

He does nothing around the house. He will do anything outside eg cut grass but is always helpin a friend with something or building something in the garden etc.
he does none of the housework which ok I'm a SAHM but with a 5 week old? I have to make dinner while holding/bf baby and dealin with toddler (toilet etc). He won't hold the baby because 'it wants feeding' and he can't deal with the crying.
He doesn't even take his plate to the sink after dinner.
He has started putting dc1 to bed (after I've spent 2 years doing bedtimes until we're at the point of literally teeth, pjs, into bed and nothing more).
I have no money. I keep trying to talk to him about an allowance as I have to ask for money. I get £20 a week from having dc1. It's not really enough. We don't have a shared account. He will give me money but I feel guilty asking. I realise that's my problem.
I know I've for myself into this, shouldn't have had kids before marriage etc but I did and this is the situation so I don't need telling what a stupid cow I've been, I know that already.
Before dc1 he was so different, I never would have seen this coming.
Sometimes I feel like a housemaid (unpaid).
I'd leave tomorrow but I have no money, no where to go.
I can't bear the thought of his family having the dc when I can't have any say over it. They are toxic and I don't say that lightly- lots of example but that whole other thread.

Am I being dramatic? Is this what life's meant to be like? Feeling miserable and trapped? He goes on about how we cost him so much but he buys us nothing (obv pays for us to live here) apart from food. If we left he'd still have the mortgage and bills?!
He hates the 'mess' of the kids toys and if he does vacum (once a month?) it's a big guilt trip show where he huffs and puffs and does a shit job

Sorry it's so long.

You are not being dramatic. What you describe sounds nothing like a healthy, happy relationship to me.

How would you feel if someone posted advice along the lines of, "stick with it, try to make the relationship better by doing X, Y, Z"?

Honestly, I'd like it to work. I feel ashamed I've had kids in this situation and not realised before. I'd feel ashamed to admit it wasn't working and leave. I know I'm unhappy because I'm comfort eating again. I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't want to discuss it. Tells me I'm being silly, I lew what he was like when I got with him etc.

I feel for you

this was me many years ago.

I don't know the solution for you on this one. you feel its all over with him. I'd not worry for now about his parents. sounds like he would be too lazy to motivate himself to see his dc much anyway. housing. that's your first hurdle I think

Why do you want it to work? So far what you've described seems to be all about "sticks" - things you want to avoid such as acknowledging you've not shown 100% best judgement. Are there any carrots? Things that attract you to the marriage?

Thing is, he doesn't hit me, doesn't call me names or do anything ea but he does fuck all to help, expects me to do everything and gives me nothing like affection. I just can't work out if I'm asking for too much?! Is it only perfect relationships where partners help out? AM I asking too much?

Thing is, he doesn't hit me, doesn't call me names or do anything ea

Woah, woah there. Let's not go down the road of "it's shit, but at least it's not as shit as it might be". The only reason you need to leave a marriage is that you want to. That's it.

He provides for us I guess is a carrot. Lovely house (hate the area and only 2 mins from his parents so maybe half a carrot )

you aren't asking too much at all

its financial abuse tho....leaving you with no money

can you claim tax credits? do you get any cb?

but he does fuck all to help, expects me to do everything and gives me nothing like affection. I just can't work out if I'm asking for too much?! Is it only perfect relationships where partners help out? AM I asking too much?

What's the least you would show a stranger in the street? Respect? Courtesy? Kindness? A helping hand? No, you're not expecting too much from your partner.

In average relationships, in my experience there's none of this "helping out". There's "Being part of a family, being a dad and doing what needs doing because a family is a team effort".

He provides for us I guess is a carrot.

He would still have to provide for his kids if you split. You would still be capable of creating a lovely home.

Can't claim because of how much he earns. It's not a huge amount but enough to live comfortably on. He wants me to work and seems to forget it would cost us for me to do this. I have to ask him for money for Childcare at which point he agrees I'll be a SAHM but I know he resents this. Kids were his idea.

Knowing what he was like doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Yes, you've made a few tactical errors along the way but that doesn't mean you have to stay stuck with your mistakes either.

If you're feeling trapped then do get advice on where you'd stand legally, practically and financially. You may find that an independent future is not as dire as you imagine.

Sorry. I've been head in the sand for so long it's humiliating to own up to all of this.
I don't have time to wash my hair but he goes off to do his hobbies 2/3 times a week them moans that I 'sit around all day'

Shame is a horribly, horribly paralysing emotion. But you can handle it. Wouldn't you forgive it in someone else? As a wise friend once said to me, "nobody died Viv".

I asked you how you would feel if someone suggested you stay together.

How would you feel if somebody advised you to separate?

I think you now need to stop treading on eggshells around him

he needs to be told what is going to change

if he doesn't start to apply himself then make it clear you are heading towards separation......and he will be required to pay 20% minimum of his wages as child support. he wont be able to afford his home by himself. spell it out to him op

Vic I'd be miles better off alone. I'd not have a third child to deal with. I'd be in charge of my own money. I'd not be worried what someone was going to say if I left the dishes and played with the dc instead.
But I'd be alone. I feel so lonely already. I don't know what's worse. Being alone for real or being with someone who makes you feel so alone. I really thought he loved me and in a weird way I think he does. He's just fucked up about how he shows it. He's never had to think about anyone but himself. He is the most selfish person I've ever met and it's killing me that he doesn't think enough of me to change.

26, I'm not good at being forward, making myself heard. I get too emotional, it all gets mixed up in my head and I end up apologising.
I've tried to leave a couple of times (tried? Threatened? Not sure any more) and stopped because he promised he'd change. Never spelt it out exactly what he had to do though.

I wish I'd asked you that question first! Your answer is pretty decisive, isn't it?

Would it be helpful to have separation broken down in to small steps?

I'm too scared to do it

You don't have to separate from him. You don't have to do anything at all.

You could just visit a website and see what income you could expect if you were single.

Or you could have a little browse on a property site and see what kind of place you might live in if you were separated.

It's far worse being with someone who ignores & rejects you than it is to be on your own. If you are independent you have the freedom to do as you please or be with others as you wish. As for people who are obnoxious whilst claiming to 'show love in their own special way' I'm afraid that's just clutching at straws. Judge people by their actions and, if those actions don't make you feel good, reduce their involvement in your life

OP I am a SAHM at the moment. We have a joint account, I have my own account to which I transfer some money for Xmas/ Birthdays etc and I have Child benefit paid in. It just keeps that sort of stuff separate. Up until a few months ago I had full control of the joint bank account, then DH got mobile banking. Up until then he was a bit clueless as to what we had each month. and what I spent

I never have to ask him for money. I might ask what he thinks of a particular purchase if it's a big one / none essential e.g new bedding/ curtains or similar.

My DC are older than yours 9 & 6, and I've been a SAHM, in PT and fulltime work over that period. But all the time I have had firm control of the purse strings. I set my stall out when we first moved in together and opened a joint account into which both our wages were paid. I followed my mother's example of finances in a marriage. I knew I would take time off to raise children and there was a good chance he would always earn more than me due to the nature of his job.

My DH is quite supportive at home and will chip in with the housework. I pick up the slack of course as a SAHM.

He wouldn't dream of telling me off about the washing up, if it wasn't done because I was busy with the kids or in my voluntary role.

I would however, feel comfortable in telling him to clear his pots away if he was taking the piss! Sometimes one of us will do the tea pots whilst the other supervises bath time.

It doesn't have to be like the situation you are experiencing.

Do you feel you can sort things out with him and get him to pull his weight and sort out your finances?

Do you want to try?

First things first, Its very easy to feel completely overwhelmed in the first few weeks after having a baby and its only been five weeks. Its easy to get a bit low because of lack of sleep and you are are now caring for two very young children. Consider also whether you may be suffering PND, this will effect your complete outlook and the way you view everything.

Just a few ideas,...as regards the support, it isn't unreasonable to expect extra support in the early days, irrespective of who works/who does the stay at home role. Of course he needs to help you more...at the moment. Perhaps there is one thing that would really help, ask for one thing at a time and get it agreed.

In order to decide who does or doesn't do enough, stop looking at who does what and how the labour is divided, just consider instead who has the most free time in which to relax or unwind. If this isn't equal then that is what needs to change. Its irrelevant really who does which chore.

Start making changes, not just in terms of the relationship, but in terms of you and what you want. Take control of one area of your life. Its hard to control your time because young children can be unpredictable, so take control of your comfort eating. This will make you feel 100% more in control. Then start to focus on the rest of it.

Don't make any rash decisions until you are over the early months (its nearly always tough and can put a strain on even the best relationships) and spend some time thinking about what you want to change, what you need and then calmly talk to him.

As regards money, ask for an allowance and sell it to him as saving him time/stress etc, I did this and asked for housekeeping plus all CB payments. I had worked out prior to this that at least half of what I received was extra/pocket money.

Give yourself a few months, change takes time but it is possible. If in a few months you have tried and he can't be arsed then ask again if its worth it.

As regards money, ask for an allowance and sell it to him as saving him time/stress etc, I did this and asked for housekeeping plus all CB payments.

This is heartbreaking.